It's four in the morning
yet here I am wide awake
thinking of all the reasons why I
am a *******.
Out of all the bad habits that need to be broken
this one I can never seem to shake.
What the **** is wrong with me?

To my poor damaged heart
I'm sorry that you feel things so deeply
Every time you see a person in pain
you become so weak that it makes your job of keeping me alive so much more stressful
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to warn me about that ******* back when I was eighteen
Instead I ignored you and allowed him to break you into pieces with an emotional hammer
I'm sorry that I kept you in a box for three years
when all you wanted was to be felt,
to be heard,
to be given the freedom to beat so loud
the world couldn't help but stop and listen to what you had to say
I'm sorry for not giving you the time you needed to heal properly
when every man you trusted bruised you with words
that still bring tears to my eyes when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I am sorry that I tossed you at the first person I thought could save me
when it was me who had the ability to save myself all along
Most importantly I am so sorry that now that I have set you free from your box you are too damaged to do all of the things you wanted to do for a long time
You're so terrified of being handled with any kind of care because you fear you won't survive the next time someone gets tired of me and decides to drop you as you shatter to pieces on the floor
I am so sorry for being a disappointment
and not taking better care of you
My poor damaged heart
I am sorry
I am so so sorry


I blamed some of my past personal pain on people when in reality I was the cause of some of the pain I went through. I made certain choices that forced me to face serious consequences. It's true that people have hurt me but I also hurt myself by letting my pain have control over my life. I kept punishing myself for so long over things that happened years ago. I am learning to forgive myself. It's not easy but I think it's time I allowed myself to be happy again.

I can't walk up to a stranger and introduce myself
without feeling out of my skin
I can't be surrounded by family
without feeling my world caving in
I can't text a person without feeling like I am bothering them
I can't open up to people
without worrying I am too weird for them
I am not putting on a show
or making up excuses
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder
yes it is a real illness

I don't want to get up today
Why make the bed when I know I will just mess it up later?
I just want to stay in the dark because I don't want the world to see me
COFFEE! I NEED COFFEE NOW!
I hope my shower washes away all of the uncomfortable feelings I am feeling right now
Taylor Swift always makes everything better
These jeans make my *** look big
My hair is so frizzy I wish I looked cute bald
Lipstick doesn't cure ugly but I can dream right?
I wish I could physically jump into the book I am currently reading
I don't want to go outside
I feel sick
This grocery store is making me claustrophobic
I can't figure out where anything goes
My head is full of chaos
WRITING HELPS!
I can't wait until my boyfriend comes home from work
Doing the dishes is so therapeutic
SERIOUSLY! IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE DO I NEED TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK NOW!!!????
I can't sit still
Something is wrong
I wonder if he thinks I'm fat
I need to eat slow
I hope this wine doesn't turn me into an alcoholic
I wonder if I annoy my boyfriend
I feel so **** and fat at the same time
WHY CAN'T I JUST ENJOY THIS ICE CREAM?!
It feels so good to laugh
Don't stop
BEDTIME! I'M DRAINED!
I wonder if he wants to break up with me
I can't sleep
Anxiety won't let me

Time to get up
Make the bed
Let some sun shine through a window
Make some coffee
Take a shower as Taylor Swift plays on the stereo
Put on some jeans
Comb my hair
Put some lipstick on my lips
Read a chapter from a novel then run some errands
so my breakfast doesn't stick to my hips
Buy some groceries
Put them away
Write some poems until the boyfriend comes home
Wash some dishes
Watch a movie
Do anything that distracts me from feeling alone
Eat dinner
Have some wine
Cuddle and kiss babe on the couch
Eat some ice cream wearing nothing but his t-shirt
while I laugh to the point my cheeks hurt
It's 11:00 pm now
Time for bed
I lie down as his arms wrap around me
I let myself drift away
praying I don't get woken up by my anxiety

He whispered into my ear "I want to make love to you"
I opened my eyes
I noticed the clock said 5:13 am
I rolled over to face him and his arms wrapped around me
causing goosebumps to form on every inch of my body
His right hand touched my face as he kissed me
his tongue dancing perfectly with mine
Before I knew it we were making love
It wasn't the kind of love making you seen in the movies
It was gentle, slow and passionate
Every move he made forced me to hold back a moan
I swear would take away my voice if I let it out
I dug my nails into his back
as if I was holding on for dear life
The only noise between us were our heartbeats pounding
everything else faded away
I felt him come into me
and a part of me fell deeper in love when I looked into his eyes
There was so much love in them
it was impossible to look away
He moved my bangs from my forehead and kissed me
leaving me wanting him all over again

I sit in the steaming hot water naked and vulnerable, both mentally and physically  to blemishes accumulated on me.
The mental thoughts race back and forth between  my eyes playing and rewinding  back through mistakes I have made.
Remembering the wrong paths that dramatically  changed my history.
As the water rises I feel the anxiety inside my chest making me hyperventilate profusely.
I close my eyes plunging my face into the water, feeling my hair floating over me.
Staying under as I feel the anguish of the misconceptions of my life fall off of me.
coming up as if awakening from the dead, while ceaselessly  stepping out of the ***** water leaving it behind.
I peer into the mirror inhaling the air surrounding.
Slowly wrapping my arms tightly around my body, letting the women in the mirror know I except her.
Telling her I will always love and fight for her.