It is a learning process for me
I am not used to being heard when I need to vent
I am not used to being stopped and kissed unexpectedly
in the middle of the day
I am not used to being put first
I have no idea what it is like to be adored
to the point I am on the verge of tears
I do not know what it feels like to be half naked
and feel comfortable in my skin
I do not know what it is like to be loved by a man

When you spend so long being mistreated
disrespect is what you expect from everyone
I am teaching myself to expect the opposite
It is not easy when my anxiety is always in my ear
whispering all kinds of negative garbage but
I am learning
I am accepting the fact that someone loves me completely
I am facing the fact that someone wants to love me
and most importantly
I am learning to accept that I deserve to be loved so deeply
I am breaking the habit of thinking I deserve to be treated any less

You miss out on so much when you do not take the time to read anything. Sometimes the things your soul really needs to hear are right in front of you. You just won't make the effort to find it and read it.

It makes me so sad when people do not have the courage to dream big. I get that life is not a fairy tale. Life is nothing like the television shows you watch and I understand that life is full of ups, downs, disappointments, heartache, etc. but you have to have something to believe in. You need to find the courage to dream. I cannot stand it when people ask me about my life and the goals I want to reach and when I give them my answer all they can do is wince and tell me to focus on something else. For example: I want to get out of the town I am currently living in. I do not like where I'm at. I would love to be in a bigger city in another state with cooler weather and when I tell someone that, their response is "Well you need to just make the most of where your at. No matter where you go life's challenges are everywhere." What is wrong with me wanting to live in New York, L.A., Seattle hell even London? Do you not think I can live there? I know it cost money to live in places like that but I believe I can have the life I want with hard work, dedication, faith and confidence that I can do it. I understand that things take time and I am not expecting my life to change over night. I may be a dreamer but I also know to pay attention to reality too. I do not appreciate people putting limits on my dreams. I have every right to be bitter and choose not to believe in anything but I will not live like that. I cannot live my life in doubt. I cannot live my life thinking that life is always going to be ****** because my circumstances right now might not be so great. I do not have time to be sad, angry and crushed. I will not be ashamed for dreaming big. I will not put limitations on my dreams. I think I am capable of doing a lot in the world and what I want will not come easy but I have been through hell and back before. Guess what? I am still standing and I think having something to believe in played a huge part when it came to battling past, present and whatever future demons might come knocking on my door. Do not put limitations on my dreams just because you put limitations on yours.

I realized that I love him one random night

We were lying in his bed
my arm wrapped around him
as his hand held mine tightly
I could hear him breathing
I was almost asleep
when the words came out of my mouth in a whisper
"I love you Christopher"
I felt my heart pace
I was sure I was about to have an anxiety attack
until I whispered the words again
"I love you Christopher"
All of the fears that once prevented me
from living the life I wanted suddenly disappeared
All of my insecurities were now burning
in a pit of fire
All of my anxiety melted away
The walls I had built around myself fell down
The chains I wore around my emotional state of mine
just broke free
I began to breathe in air that was just new to me
It was shocking
but exhilarating all at once
I asked myself "Is this real?
Am I really feeling this way?
Do I really love this man?"

I do love him
It sounds so cliche but it's true
Looking at him is like watching a beautiful sunset
at the end of a Summer day
Kissing him is like watching fireworks
on New Years Eve
Holding his hand is like that first sip of coffee in the morning
Hearing him laugh is like running through an endless field of roses
It's beautiful
He is beautiful
The way he makes me feel is so intense
I am convinced it might **** me
Yet I want to feel
I want to feel everything this man causes me to feel
I want to embrace every emotion
I want to soak it all in
I want to breathe it
Sing it
Live it
Allow it to change my life
and brighten up my world
He has renewed my belief in love
he has taught me that I am worthy of love
he has me seeing things from a different perspective

Christopher I love you
I know it may be too soon to hear those words
I would freak out if you spoke those words back to me
but I do love you
I have loved you for a long while
I was too frightened to let myself it

I feel so much pressure
to be at certain places in my life
I am a dreamer
I like to think of the future
but I don't like to stress about it
Fear is a horrible thing to carry around with you
fear prevents you from having any kind of personal peace
Without personal peace
you leave yourself exposed to every negative thing
Negativity can ******* up
so you have to be careful
I just want to live my life
I want to do what I have to do to be a functioning adult
and also not want waste my free time
worrying about things I have no control over
Worrying is not fun
I am not one of those people who does something
because someone thinks I should
I have never been one to follow the crowd
I sure as hell am not going to start now

I hate it when my parents fight
they have been doing it my whole life
Sometimes their arguments don't even make sense
I personally think they get off by fighting
If that is true
I don't understand why people do that
I hate fighting
The very idea of it
stresses me out to the point my stomach feels like
it is in flames
No one seems to care how much the drama stresses me out
How am I supposed to show my face for family fun
when I am dreading the social interaction
I don't want to be uncomfortable around my parents
yet I am sometimes
I could ignore how I feel
but that would cause me to emotionally shut down
Which in turn awakens the constant chaos that already corrupts my mind
I feel like I can't breathe now

"Do you like me?"
was the question I asked you
We were sitting on my bed watching television
and I just had to know the answer to that question
I was so scared to hear your response
I thought you would say "no"
Instead you said "yes"
which made my heart hopeful
I have liked you for quite some time
I never imagined you ever liking me back
I am so used to being rejected
I was sure I would never have a shot with you
It still takes me by surprise that you are my boyfriend
It's all that I think about when we are on a date
Feeling your hand in mine is so surreal
it feels like a kiss from fate
I really enjoy your company
you leave butterflies in my tummy
Your kisses are like that first bite of cheesecake
your hugs are sweeter than honey
I am so blessed to call you mine
you make me so happy
My only hope is that I make you happy too