I was sitting next to him on his couch
watching a television show known as "Family Guy"
A commercial began to play so I decided
to look at him and stare into his eyes
He was quietly scrolling through his phone
unaware of what I was doing
He looked up and asked me what was wrong
and I had no answer to give him
I was speechless
for a moment it felt like the world stood still
Time was eternity
and I could feel myself tearing up
I watched his fingers touch his beard
as his eyes lit up like fireworks
I watched his lips as they formed little smiles
and my heart began to go crazy
He is so beautiful
I know that's strange to say since he is a guy
but he is
He is like a painting
you never want to stop admiring
He is a song you want to put on repeat
and dance to all night long
He is a story in a book you can't finish
because you never want the story to end
He is a dream you never want to wake up from
He is probably sitting there thinking I am crazy
I would be thinking the same thing
If only he could see himself through my eyes
maybe he would think differently

The other day I told my boyfriend I wanted to hurt myself
It was just one of those days where I was really depressed
and I felt like I couldn't handle how I was feeling without
causing physical harm to myself
He stopped what he was doing and held me as I cried for twenty minutes
He never once told me to get over myself
to stop being dramatic or anything like that
He just held me
He listened to me
He took time to try to make me feel better
To be emotionally vulnerable and to be accepted without judgement
was a feeling I have never felt before
It was very liberating
It made me feel closer to my boyfriend in a way
*** could never do

I'm not sure how to explain it
I can't even put it on paper
The man I like is heaven on earth
he is absolutely wonderful
I have wished for someone like him
for the past three years now
He is like a character from a book
that always steals your heart somehow
I lie in bed on nights like tonight
wondering how I got so lucky
A part of me feels like I'm in a dream
so I pinch myself repeatedly
He isn't a dream though
he is as real as the moon in the sky
He is Christmas, rain and England all wrapped into one
and I'm proud to call him mine

Sometimes I get so depressed
that I don't have the energy to pick up and write
Writing is everything to me
It is what has saved me so many times in the past
It is the one thing I turn to when I feel like I am drowning
in my unpredictable sadness
It scares me when the one thing that seems to always save me
is the one thing that I want nothing to do with
when I am at my absolute lowest
That is how I know I am more than just sad
I am in danger of losing my life
That's not easy to confess on paper
or to someone in person

I want to try to understand
why I am so impossible for you to love?
What did I do to make you dislike me so much?
I know I am not the only child you have so
I'm not trying to play victim here
I am the only child though who tried to get to know you
because I needed closure
As a little girl you were supposed to be my protector
instead you were an alcoholic monster
You would rather spend your nights at the bar
only to come home and beat the **** out of my mother
As a kid I needed someone to lean on
when other kids at school bullied me to the point I was starving myself
at eight years old
You were in jail paying for your sins
because the first arrest didn't mean **** to you
As a teenager I needed a man to look up to
I needed someone to show me how a lady should be treated
I got with ******* because my role model was just that
an ******* and the one who stepped up
to fill your shoes wasn't that great of a role model either
I risked every relationship I had with my family
including my mother
so I could try to find closure for the emotional wounds
that just could never seem to heal
In the end I was disappointed
I was called a ******* because I moved an ash tray in the basement
or called a huge **** up for falling asleep with the television on
The only great memories I have of you are smoking cigarettes with you
The only reason I picked up the habit was so I had a way to deal
with all of the anxiety I felt whenever I thought of you
Your Mother wasn't that great of a role model either
she was like Satan in every way possible
I couldn't even breathe around her
without her telling me how much she hated me
I moved away from you because I felt unwanted
It was bad enough I felt like a mistake to the rest of the world
I didn't need to feel that way around you
A week after no contact you call me to tell me you love me
you apologize to me telling me you are sorry for the way you treated me
So I forgave you
because that is what daughters do
Only to get a e-mail months later
telling me how much of a **** I am to you
So I let you go
I drop contact completely only to be dragged into court
four years later to find out that you stole my identity
SERIOUSLY??????
WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??????
I NEED ANSWERS!
I NEED SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH!
I AM TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD
I AM TOO OLD FOR DADDY ISSUES
I AM SO TERRIFIED TO LET MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND LOVE ME
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE ****** UP **** YOU DID TO ME
I TRUSTED YOU, I NEEDED YOU
I CUT MYSELF SO I COULD FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE REJECTION YOU CAUSED ME TO FEEL WHEN MOM FILED FOR CHILD SUPPORT
Did you know I tried to **** myself in your basement after that note you left on the kitchen table?
I tried to **** myself with pills but guess what I CAN'T EVEN **** MYSELF RIGHT EITHER!
What scares me the most is that despite all of the *******
I still love you
I don't have it in my heart to hate you because hate kills you
Hate is ugly and I refuse to carry that around and let it ruin my life
I am never going to have the Father that I want
I've accepted that now
I have no problem doing your job and giving myself the support
and closure I need to move on with my life
A part of me will always ache because a part of me will always want a relationship with you
but I can't let you into my life
I can't take being called a **** up again
I fear the next time I hear those words I will end up killing myself
I've come too far for that
I deserve better, Dad
even if you don't think so

You have no idea
how much joy you bring into my life
Every time I am around you
I feel more and more alive
You make me giggle with a simple stare
your blue eyes are just gorgeous
When I hear your voice my heart does jumping jacks
and all I want to do is kiss your lips
You have a positive affect on me
you make me want to be a better person
You listen to me when I speak
you are there to comfort me when I am hurting
You make me feel so comfortable in my skin
I feel so pretty when you're around
You have a way of making the world shine beautifully
when my depression has me down
You're the sun that radiates through me
You're the waves in the ocean
You're my endless adventure
that makes me want to be closer to you
You set me free in a way no man has ever done before
You're the sparkle in my eyes
You're the inspiration behind this poem

Being with him is different
from any man I have ever dated before
He gives me the courage to face my demons head on
instead of allowing them to eat away at me for days on end
When he touches me I don't flinch
I feel so safe around him that when I need to break down and cry
instead of going home to cry alone in my bedroom
and risk becoming a victim to my unhealthy thoughts
I go to him
He doesn't turn me away
He holds me tightly and listens to me as I speak
although I don't make any sense when I am upset but
he gets me
He gets me in a way no other human being on earth has before
It sounds hard to believe but
I honestly feel like the Lord made him just for me
I believe that when the Lord created him years ago
he kept me in mind as if he knew I would need him one day
Being with him is like coming up for air
after drowning for so long
Being with him is like Wisconsin on a snowy day
but instead of freezing we just run and play
Kissing him is like a dream you never want to wake up from
When he looks at me I can feel his love for me
At night when he holds me I can feel my heart
dance along to his
He's like magic
He's like the fall to Wonderland without the emotional pain
and frustration
He is everything I wished for
He is everything I have ever read about in books
He is everything I have ever wanted
I have finally found him
I finally found my soulmate