I am terrified of love
The thought of a man loving me unconditionally terrifies me
I would rather be alone and miserable than face my fear
I am such a ******* coward

(The things you write about when you are under the influence)

Having a baby is not a decision to be taken lightly
Everything changes when you have a baby
Your relationship with your lover changes
Your finances change
Your social life changes
Your body changes
Your view of the world changes
Your priorities change
It's not just about you anymore
Whether you keep your baby or abort it
that moment when you find out you are pregnant stays with you forever
Whether you decide to give your child up for adoption or keep it
that choice you make will impact you forever
For nine months nothing is in your control
even though the choices you make are healthy ones there is no guarantee of a positive outcome
When your baby is here you are a parent not just for the next eighteen years but for the rest of your life
Everything you do, everything you say, every person you surround yourself with, every decision you make, every mistake you make will impact your child in some way
From the time your baby takes it's first breath
your life is changed
From the moment you hear a heartbeat your life is no longer yours
Having a baby is not like ordering something off of a McDonald's menu
It is a decision that should be thought about and weighed carefully because once you make that choice you cannot go back
There is no break from being a parent
There is no vacation
There are women struggling to have children and get nowhere while women who don't care are given babies like it's nothing
I don't know if that is a cruel joke made by God but it ****** me off that children some who are not even a day old
are being neglected because their parents don't think or care about the consequences of their actions
A baby is not a toy
A baby is a human being who will one day grow up to make a difference in this world
That is a huge responsibility
I don't have children
I don't want any children
I don't know if I am meant to have children or not
If I did however choose to have a child
I will make sure to be 100% ready not just for myself
but for my child who deserves nothing but the best

He confessed to me that he wants to commit suicide
I told him that he shouldn't do that
He said he was tired of fighting this constant battle known as depression
I told him I understood the battle he was fighting
He began to tell me how exhausted he was
He is tired of the therapy, the medication, the hoping that things will get better
He admitted to accepting the fact that his depression will never go away
He understands that it is a part of him and that there is no cure for it
He also admitted that he gets angry when people get mad at him for feeling this way because they think he's selfish but then again they are not in his shoes so they can't understand what he's going through
He's right
When you're tired,  you're tired
A person can only take so much
It's hard fighting something that can't be seen physically
You can try to explain in every way possible but you can never truly understand it unless you live through it
I don't care how long you went to college for
I don't care how many people you know with the same problem
IT IS NOT THE SAME
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IT
I am against suicide but who am I to deny someone of wanting peace
I can only do so much
I think locking someone away is cruel
I think it makes people worse when they are forced to live with something they don't want to live with but at the same time I think it's important to keep fighting
I admitted to him that I think his decision to die was stupid
I also admitted that I didn't like seeing him in so much emotional pain
It is selfish to **** yourself because it hurts so many people but it's also selfish to want to see someone suffer so much just so you don't have to lose them
He told me his awful secret of wanting to die
I told him my opinion
As messed up as this subject is a person will do what they want to do
I confessed to him that I don't support his decision but if he wants to go then to go
I told him to not tell me when he was going to do it
I also told him that I was going to tell someone his plans and that even though I was breaking a trust I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do anything to stop him
Does it make me a bad person for understanding his reason for his plans?
Does it make me a horrible person to want him to stay and suffer when he has tried everything to get better?
Suicide is a topic so painful it's enough to devastate a person for the rest of their life
It's a topic as fragile as abortion, ****, war and other devastating topics that shake a person's world

I got a phone call at 4:13 this morning from his mother telling me he had killed himself
I fell apart with the realization I will never speak to my best friend again
I was also relieved to know he was not in any more pain
Does that make me a horrible person?

A man called me white trash the other night
I'm not one to let other people's words get into my head but
on the night those words were said
My stress level was already sky high
My depression wouldn't leave me alone which caused me to have anxiety attacks up the ***
Stress causes me to be weak
That comment "white trash" was enough to send me down a depressing spiral
I am obsessed with how the world sees me now
Am I white trash?
Am I a ******* who is dumb enough to think I can be anything great in this world?
Am I just a waste of space because that is how I feel
I feel like my presence is an annoyance to everyone I come in contact with
I can ask people these questions but their answers won't make my thoughts of being a mistake go away
I am questioning my existence
I know better than to listen to some *******
I'm better than this yet something inside me broke when I heard those words
"White trash"
That's what all of the guys in middle school and high school used to call me
I feel like a cheap piece of *** who deserves nothing but garbage because obviously that is what I am
I'm garbage
I know I sound ridiculous
I feel ridiculous for wasting my energy writing a poem about it but it hurts
My heart hurts
My self esteem hurts
Everything hurts
Feeling like your not good enough hurts
I am so tired of feeling like I am never good enough

I hate ***
It's everywhere
It's all anybody thinks about
I find it disgusting that no one can do anything anymore
without feeling the need to rip their clothes off
I have a hard enough time looking at myself naked in the mirror
how the hell should I let a man see me exposed
I would rather jump off of a cliff
than let a man see me without my clothes
The thought of letting a human being into my personal space
is like an anxiety attack that can't be calmed
*** does nothing but create problems
in which someone is left emotionally harmed
The pressure to have *** is so intense
I don't think I can handle it
I honestly would be perfectly happy
if I never had to engage in it
I feel bad for women who feel the need to have ***
just to feel significant in this world
When people bring up the subject of ***
it's enough to make me want to puke
I don't know why I dislike *** so much
it's a topic that throws me into a state of panic
It ***** that nowadays a relationship doesn't mean ****
unless the guy your with has seen you naked

I know the negative stuff people say about me
I sleep around
I am too emotional
I'm fat
I post too much on social media
I am an attention *****
I'm annoying
I'm fake
I'm too emo
I'm immature
My front teeth look like double doors kicked in
I dye my hair too much
I repeat outfits
I wear the same t-shirt a lot
I'm white trash
I'm a drama starter
My taste in music *****
I'm too poor
My poetry stinks
My head is too far up in the clouds
I'm worthless
I play victim too much
My acne makes my face look like it is covered in pepperoni's
I should go **** myself
I have been called every name in the book
I have been attacked verbally in every way possible
I'm called names through social media
I'm called names to my face and behind my back
People are going to talk no matter what I do
Does it hurt my feelings?
Hell yes it does!
The only way these people and their mean comments have any power over me is if I allow them to have power over me
I am a human being with feelings that get hurt sometimes
I am also a human being who is strong and knows better than to let foolish people, some who have never even met me personally, to have any kind of negative affect on my life
I am well aware of what people say about me
I am also aware of all of the people in my life who love me
The ones who love me are the ones worth worrying about
Not the haters

It has been three years since we have been together
I have had a lot of time to think, to sort out my feelings and figure out some things
I am now ready to confront things I have never dealt with simply because I was not ready to
I am in love with you
I fell in love with you the very first time you texted me "hello"
I fell in love with you the first time you called me on the phone and even though you were crying hysterically your voice was like music to my ears
I fell in love with you again when I met you for the very first time
You had that white car with the ugliest orange seats I had ever seen and even though that car was hideous I was still sad when you sold it
You saw me for who I really was
You loved me in a way that I can't really describe
It was like being in a movie that ended before the last page of the script was finished
Even though our fights were so terrible sometimes I never went a day without wanting to kiss you because your kisses were enough to shake me to my very core
I told you everything about me
Every little secret
Every little thought
I let you read my poetry and your answer to everything was "MORE! I WANT TO HEAR MORE! I WANT TO READ MORE!"
I walked to a different state for you because you were having a nervous breakdown at 3 am and you met me halfway so I didn't have to walk in the dark alone
You saw my flaws and you kissed each of them as if they were the most beautiful parts of me you had ever known
You wrote me letters everyday just telling me everything your soul loved
I was so insecure
So terrified, so needy, so emotional to the point I pushed you away
You moved away just to get away from me
How embarrassing is that?
I dated your best friend who wrecked me and traumatized my belief in love and I think I only dated him because he was the closest thing to you I had when you left
I compare every man I meet to you which explains my reason for being single
I still have dreams about you that turn into nightmares when I realize how crazy I must be
I can't watch certain things,
Listen to certain things,
Go to certain places without remembering you
I've gone to therapy
I tried to smoke you away
I tried to drink you away
I tried ******* you away yet you show up in my mind more now than you already do
If I'm not careful your name shows up in conversations and that drives my friends insane
My mom still gushes about you
You were her favorite
She talks about you as if you are still a part of my life
She says she has never seen me happier than when I was with you and she's right
No one will ever compare to you
I know you're alive and happy
You have fallen in love and moved on with your life
I can deny my feelings all that I want to but denial will leave me stuck
I know you will never hear or read these words but this isn't for you
It's for me
It's time to let go
It's time to stop living in the past
It's time to stop holding onto something that won't come true
It's time to close the book on the most incredible time in my life
I won't lie I will still think of you
I can't do anything about that
I will always be in love with you
I can't control that either
All that I can control is me moving forward
I've stopped running
I've confronted my feelings
I've cried, I've grieved, I've accepted
I don't know what the future holds
What I do know is that I still want what I have always wanted for you
I want you to be happy
I want you to make all of your dreams come true
Even though a lot has and will continue to change that never will
I am closing the book now
It's painful but it's what needs to be done
I love you
I will always love you
Goodbye...

To the man I could spend hours writing poems about....