I have accepted a truth
that I have been trying to avoid for quite some time
I am going to spend the rest of my life alone
I have believed in true love ever since I was a little girl
I wasn't the type who dreamed about a big wedding
I dreamed about life after a wedding
Buying a house
Raising dogs
Cookie dough fights during the holiday season
Painting a bedroom a wacky color
Going to concerts to celebrate anniversaries
Traveling to Europe
Growing old together and still sharing kisses in the snow
I have come to the conclusion that true love is not in the cards for me
You know when a woman gets news that she can't have a baby
Her heart breaks, she cries but she has to accept that reality?
That is sort of what happened to me tonight
I was writing a poem about love like I always do
and it hit me
The stuff I write about will never happen to me
I will never buy a house with someone so we can build a home together
I won't be raising a puppy with anyone
I won't be throwing cookie dough in my kitchen during the holidays
The bedroom I paint will not be a wacky color
I won't go to concerts for any reason other than to enjoy live music
I won't be sharing a story in Europe with anything other than my diary
I will be 80 years old still loving the snow by myself
and that is okay
As heartbreaking as that is
I am totally okay with that
Some people grow up to be famous
Some grow up to make a difference
Some grow up to raise a family
Some grow up to fall in love and spend the rest of their lives
with the one who took their heart and never let it break
I have been by myself for the last two years
I have become comfortable with loneliness
I have adapted
I am better off this way
I won't be able to hurt anyone and in return no one will hurt me
As tough as this was to accept
once I said the words out loud I felt this weight being lifted off of me
As if I had revealed a horrible secret I have been hiding
Do I still believe in true love?
Yes I do
It exists
It really does
It just doesn't exist for me
Am I sad?
I am heartbroken
Maybe more heartbroken than I have ever been in my entire life
But I will be okay
I will take this truth and move on with my life
That is what I do
I am not depressed
I am realistic
No man is ever going to want me
I am too complicated
I am too emotional
I am too much to handle
I love too much, I have been told before that I love too much
I don't know how to not love so much
I am not beautiful enough to be looked at naked
and take someone's breath away
I don't have what it takes to make someone happy
I am twenty three years old
It is better that I accept this now
so I don't waste my life hoping for something that won't come true
I will always be the brides maid
never the bride
I will always be somebody's friend or sister
never a crush or girlfriend
I will always be on the sidelines cheering on every one else's love stories
never will I have a beautiful story to look back on and cherish
I am okay with all of that
I really am

I saw you in my room last night
You were sitting on the edge of my bed
Stroking my hair
You kept telling me how beautiful I looked
For a minute it was as if you never passed away
I could see in your eyes that you were worried about me
I haven't been well since I laid you to rest
Seeing you in your coffin
touching your hands that once held mine so tightly
as we walked the strip in Las Vegas
Do you remember that day?
It was a spur of the moment thing
We just got into the car and drove
We held onto each other so tightly
as we walked looking at everything Vegas had to offer
That was the night we got married
It was so out of the blue but I knew when you proposed to me
that I was making the right choice by saying yes
Everyone thought that we were crazy
Maybe we were
But I have never been so crazy about another human being before
Being with you was like heaven on earth
You were romantic
You were kind
You were wonderful to me
Then you died
In the blink of an eye it was all over
One hit by a drunk driver and you were gone
I was left with more than a broken arm and a couple of stitches
I was left with a shattered heart
I was left with guilt for surviving
I was left with depression because I ached for you
I was left with fear because I forgot how to live without you
I cried so hard when I woke up in that hospital room
I called out your name but you didn't answer
I felt lost
I felt incomplete
I reached for you in my dreams but you weren't there
When your Mother told me that you had passed
my heart ached so badly that I went into cardiac arrest
I hoped to be with you
but the Lord wouldn't take me

It has been three months since that accident
I have lost weight because I can't eat
I hurt from lying in bed all day because I have no energy to do anything
I know you're angry at me
This isn't who I am
To dwell on pain and let life pass me by
That was never us
We lived
We lived for the moments that people dreamed about
We made love under the stars
We kissed in thunderstorms
our hearts collided and time froze still just for us
That's all over now
As I watch you on the edge of my bed
I want so badly to hold you
I want to be in your arms
I want to feel safe again
You won't hold me
You want me to let you go
You want me to be happy
You tell me we will be together again
as you kiss my forehead
I watch you go to heaven
as an angel holds me and lets me cry into her chest

The ones you love the most
will break your heart once or twice
It's not because their evil
their human, they will mess up sometimes
The one you give your heart to
will disappoint you one day
It's not because they don't love you
their fighting demons that won't ever go away
The people you call your friends
will make mistakes that will upset you
It's not because they don't care about your friendship
it's just what they have to do
The sun won't always shine
sometimes it will rain
It doesn't mean something bad will happen
it's God's way of cleansing your pain
Your parents who you thought were perfect
may overstep their boundaries by telling you what to do
It's not because they doubt you
it's their way of saying that they care about you
The God you lean on 24/7
will cause you to hit rock bottom
It's not because he deserted you
it's the only way you will grow

My God it drives me crazy
that you don't know how amazing you are
It breaks my heart when you look into the mirror
and all you see are flaws
But I, your girlfriend see radiance
pouring out of every pore of your body
You complain about all of the things that I love about you
It frustrates me that you are so blind
to the very things that make you absolutely wonderful
Sometimes I just look at you and think "wow
he chose me, he is my other half
and he is perfect, so so so perfect"
You're a work of art I can admire all day long
You're a song that dances through my nervous system
and causes me to shiver in excitement
You're the high a person gets
when they smoke their first cigarette in the morning
Your eyes shine like fireflies
that glow in the dark at the end of a summer day
Your presence is enough to scare
all of my demons away
You're the firework that bursts inside of me
every time we make love
You're my lucky charm
Life with you is like reading a book that never ends
Each chapter gets better
Each minute with you is a blessing
Each day I love nothing more
than to tell you how much you mean to me
Hopefully, one day when you look into your mirror
you will see exactly what I am talking about

They were total opposites
In fact they didn't even belong together
They were so incompatible
Even their friends thought their relationship was strange
He was a high school graduate with a good paying job
She was a high school drop out
working at the mall during the day
For fun she wrote poetry at night
while he enjoyed listening to eighties music as he worked on cars
He was a huge *** smoker
whereas she was the type to read books as a way to relax
He had a minor criminal record
and she couldn't take a risk to save her life
They fought over stupid things
Things that didn't even make sense half of the time
He was the kind of guy to crack jokes when she was mad
She was the type to get angry because he never took anything seriously
He wanted to stay in his hometown
She wanted to travel the world
He hated the cold
She adored it
He hated Christmas and didn't believe in Jesus
Christmas to her was heaven on earth and she was a christian
He sometimes wondered why he was with her and vice versa
When he thought of breaking up with her
he knew he would miss her
He never thought of himself as attractive
in fact he saw himself as a loser
But in her eyes he was perfect
She couldn't get enough of him
She never had high self esteem
in her eyes she was the low life *******
She felt intimidated by his success
she couldn't help but wonder why he liked her
People close to them have said before
they would never last as a couple
They were too different, too abnormal
they were better off with other people
What he didn't know was that his smile
gave her butterflies you wouldn't believe
What she didn't realize was that her body
made him weak in the knees
Despite her obsession with always trying to be good enough
he was crazy about her mind
She was smart in a way he couldn't put into words
Her laughter drove him wild
She hated how whenever she tried to express herself
he would make a joke about what she was saying
She sometimes felt offended
and stupid for not being more interesting
The way he made her feel comfortable in her skin though
it was like fireworks on the fourth of July
She was never afraid to get naked in front of him
she was beautiful in his eyes
When worse came to worse they were there for each other
If anyone made her cry
he would beat the **** out whoever caused her tears
Even though he was an idiot sometimes if anyone called him that word
she was on their *** faster than they could blink
Despite the fear of vulnerability
he worked hard to open up as much as he could
Even though the pressure to be perfect was like a drug
she did her best to just be herself
He enjoyed reading her poetry
especially the ones she wrote about him
She enjoyed hearing his jokes
even if she couldn't understand them
At the end of the day they loved each other
they accepted each others flaws
They both got what they always wanted
to be able love another human being so deeply
and to be loved in return

It's three in the morning
I have had the same stomach ache since ten o'clock last night
The pain is so intense I can't move
without feeling my insides turning upside down
Nothing is helping either
Tums are not working
Sprite is not working
A hot bath hasn't helped
I feel like I need to throw up
but that just causes me to have an anxiety attack
Now I am at the point where breathing is so painful
that I hold my breath
Feeling on the verge of tears
I break down and take some medication
Two hours later
Nothing
By now it feels like my intestines are knotted
through each of my ribs
I'm shaking
I'm sweating yet I'm cold
I break down again
I can't take it anymore
I smoke some ****
I light the joint
Take a hit
It hurts to inhale but I need some relief
I take two more hits
Within half an hour my stomach ache is gone
I feel like I am floating in a swimming pool
while wrapped up in a blanket
The shaking has stopped
I can breathe without feeling like something inside of me is tearing
I am so tired
It's amazing how much energy pain can take from you
It feels so good not to be in pain
I finish the joint
I lay on my bed
I allow myself to relax
I'm thirsty but too exhausted to get back up
I fall asleep with relief
hoping to God that this pain doesn't come back

You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me