When I tell you that I am exhausted
I am not over exaggerating
I really am exhausted
I work, run errands, spend time with my family
but that isn't what exhausts me
I live with a disorder that has no respect for me whatsoever
When it creeps up on me
it is unexpected
It wraps it's arms around my neck so tightly that I can't even breathe
When it happens no one knows it is happening except for me
Sometimes the invisible strangulation goes on for hours
Try being in the middle of work when that happens
Try typing on the computer
Try serving drinks
Try cleaning a room with someone's arms wrapped around your neck
not letting you breathe and with every attempt to ignore it
the strangulation gets tighter
What is scary is that it's mental and emotional
I can't do anything about this physically
so I fight the feeling with my mind which is needed for other things
I can't do because the strangulation has my minds full attention
When it finally ends I am left wanting to fall to my knees
and cough until I can catch my breath
If you have ever thought you were drowning
and you struggled to keep you head above actual water
think of the terror you felt
think of the tiredness you felt when you were out of the water
Times that feeling by 100 and that is what if feels like to live with depression

Never stop falling in loves with books
you have read over a million times
Never stop believing in love
even if you are given 1,000 reasons to stop believing in it
Never stop appreciating your family
they may forget to tell you but they truly do love you to the moon and back
Never stop seeing the beauty in everything
because when you do you open doors to negative things that will always leave you sad
Never stop loving those who mean the most to you
for love is the very thing keeping you alive
Never stop being yourself
you may not realize it but people respect you for always being you
Never stop cherishing the moment
you don't want to die missing out on something magical
Never stop speaking out about your depression
continue to show depression who is in control
Never stop making friends
for there are people out there who need a shoulder to cry on
Never stop listening to your heart
no matter how painful your journey is your heart will always guide you to the right place in the end
Never stop being honest
for honesty is rare so be proud to have the courage to speak the truth
Never stop facing your fears and
Never, Ever give up on your dream
for your dream is how you will be remembered when you die

Whenever I feel insecure
you kiss my body from head to toe
Whenever I am sad
you sit with me on our cold kitchen floor
Whenever I am angry
you do your thing and give me space
Whenever I am unsure of myself
you read to me a poem I had once written forever ago
Whenever I am tired
your chest becomes my pillow
Whenever I am sick
our home becomes a Winter wonderland
Whenever I need inspiration
you drop everything and take me out of town
Whenever I am missing someone who has passed on
you listen as I tell endless stories about them
You always open the car door for me
I always wake up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee
Sticky notes with messages are found in random places
and the freezer is always filled with my favorite ice cream
Every "see you later" ends with a kiss
every shower contains an hour of you yelling "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"
from outside the bathroom door
Every evening is a cuddle session with Bruce Springsteen and wine
When I write you watch me in admiration
When I laugh you light up like a Christmas tree
When I embarrass myself in public
you do a fake fall so people laugh at you instead of me
Whenever I am upset and need to vent
you give me your undivided attention
and even when we fight you never end the night
without saying those three special words

One Monday afternoon
I found a quarter on the sidewalk
the state on it read Illinois
I didn't think anything of it
so I put it in my pocket
I went to the grocery store
I was craving ice cream really bad
I got my change back in quarters
Each one had the state of Illinois on them
I was watching television late that night
distracted by a movie filmed long ago
Out of nowhere my movie was interrupted
by a commercial advertising the sights of Chicago

The next morning while driving to work
I was in a heated discussion with a friend
As I stopped at a red light
the radio blasted that Chicago commercial again
As my week went on it seemed that signs of Chicago were everywhere
On Tuesday we got a shipment of Chicago Cubs merchandise
at the store I work at which was very rare
On Wednesday I got an e-mail newsletter
from my favorite bands website
It said on Saturday at 8 pm
they would be playing in Chicago that night
On Thursday night I closed up the store
and bumped into a man
He said "I'm sorry for my rudeness
us Chicago folk can be clumsy sometimes"
On Friday I booked a flight to go see a friend in New York
halfway into my flight it started to snow
So the plane made an emergency exit
as the captain announced we would be landing in Chicago
I wouldn't be able to go to New York until Saturday
meaning I had to stay the night
I got a room at a hotel
and stayed up all night watching the snow fall outside

Saturday morning Chicago was pure white
no flights were happening that day
I knew I wasn't going home soon
so I decided to explore Chicago
As I was crossing the street to get to a museum
I slipped on some ice
a man about my age caught my fall
and asked me if I was alright
I couldn't give him an answer
he was completely gorgeous from head to toe
After he walked me to the nearest sidewalk
he let me go
After my museum visit
I went to Starbucks for a Peppermint Mocha
In line behind me was that same man
who had me in his arms an hour earlier
We got into a discussion
about things we were passionate about
He wrote songs for a living
while I struggled as a poetry writer
He asked me to write a song with him
I said that I would
We went back to his place and spent the rest of the day
writing as many songs as we could

When the moon greeted the sky
he asked me out to dinner
I was enjoying his company way too much
so I said yes
We ended up going out for pizza and beer
I laughed like I never had before
He walked me back to my hotel
once we were there it started to snow
He asked me if he could see me again
I told him I was leaving town tomorrow
He said "That's a shame"
then gave me his number with a smile so beautiful
Once I was in my hotel room
my laptop set off a ding
I got an e-mail from a publishing company
so I decided to give them a ring
The company wanted to publish me
they liked my style of poetry
They wanted to meet with me right away
I told them that was possible
I asked them where they were located
their response made me freeze like snow
I hung up as I looked outside
to welcome my new home which was now Chicago



As a believer in signs I think when we feel lost the universe has a way of giving us signs to let us know we are on the right track. When we ignore these signs, life has a way of forcing us to pay attention to these signs. This poem is complete fiction but I do believe that the things I mentioned could possibly happy. Chicago is one of my favorite places on earth. I rarely write about it so that is why I chose Chicago as the scene for this poem.

You asked me what I wished for last Christmas

Last December I went to my favorite spot under a pine tree
that held the most Christmas lights
I picked up some snow
held it gently in both of my hands
closed my eyes and said
"I wish for a love so powerful
it's energy is enough to cause an earthquake
A love so beautiful
it is enough to cause me to shed tears of joy in random parts of my day
A love so spectacular
that kisses cause the oceans to sing as the waves crash
A love so pure
that not a **** thing can ruin it
A love so extraordinary
I feel like I am in a constant dream
A love so real
that it makes it impossible for me to breathe"

I blew the snow from my hands
then opened up my eyes
I saw you squinting your face
as I saw snow sitting on your eyelashes
You asked me if I was alright
I told you I was making my Christmas wish
"Some wish" you muttered as you offered me your hand
As soon as I took your hand
I felt the ground shake
When you asked me for my name
my eyes began to fill with tears
You walked me home
and before you left you noticed mistletoe above my front door
You kissed my lips
as my phone began to play a song I have never heard of before

Christmas came, then New Years
Valentines Day too
From March to June we were miles apart
but somehow we made it through
July through October felt like a dream
On Thanksgiving Day you proposed to me over turkey

It is December again
we are under that same pine tree
Your presence still takes my breath away
You're waiting for me to answer your question
I keep going back to that day
I think about my wish
and all of the wonderful things it put us through
I put my arms around your neck
and say "my Christmas wish last year was you"

My husband is an ***
he claims I have no class
He will have a tough time getting to work
when he realizes his truck is out of gas
Maybe he could drive his truck to work
if only he kept his mouth shut
But instead he likes to get under my skin
by purposely ******* me off

When I first showed interest in you
you told me to find someone better
You told me you would end up breaking my heart
and that you could not stand the image of me crying
I didn't understand
You were such a gentleman
You told me yourself that you have never been in a relationship
so how could you know what type of boyfriend you would be
I knew you were keeping a secret
The way you acted sent off signs
After months of being your friend
you finally told me your secret
You told me that you had cancer
You have had it for a year
The day we met was the same day
your doctor told you that you would pass away soon
You also told me that you have been in love with me
since the day you laid eyes on me
You wouldn't allow yourself to be with me
because you didn't think it was fair
to let me fall for someone who was going to die
That was not your choice to make
I loved you before I even knew you were sick
I fell for you even more through our friendship
and the fact that you were sick didn't change how I felt
I kissed you
I kissed you multiple times until you kissed me back
I was determined to make you see that I wasn't going anywhere
Your cancer didn't scare me

It is six months later now
You're confined to your bed
Your cancer has taken over your body
You can't even hold my hand without wincing
I just lay next to you
I'm not sure if I will look into your eyes tomorrow
yet I'm not scared
You have shown me that life will end for us all one day
so embracing the moments is mandatory
Getting lost in moments that won't ever come again is a must
I feel your hand on mine
You feel different
You feel at peace
I turn my head to look at you
You're staring right at me
You smile so perfectly
as God finally sets you free