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I feel like I have lost everything
I feel myself breaking
I am so lost in this ****** up world
I am surprised I'm still living
I am losing my one and only best friend
to a mistake I do not regret making
although I know I will get through this
my heart just won't stop breaking
My favorite song no longer helps
writing this poem just makes me cry
I want to give up on everything
right now I'm not strong but I got to try
because if I fall apart too much
I am going to lose everything
but without him I have nothing
now my life doesn't mean anything.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: December. 3, 2011 Saturday 8:20 P.M.
Self- harm is a coping mechanism meaning people self-harm as a way to get them to focus on something other than their emotional pain. When you are hurting physically, you don't have time to deal with your emotional pain so you push your emotional pain off to the side. That only lasts so long though. Your body is like a volcano. The more you try to cover whatever it is that is causing you pain, eventually you will reach a breaking point and snap. When that snap happens, your in real danger. Some people have an emotional break down, some self-harm even more than they already do and some even try to commit suicide and succeed. You can't stop self-harming overnight. It doesn't happen that way. There is a reason why people do it and most of the time it's because something happened and the thing that happened is too painful to deal with. In the end, in order to quit you need to confront the issue you are avoiding and it can be anything: death of a loved one, a break up, a car accident, abuse, abandonment, witnessing a ******, being kidnapped, miscarriage, divorce, moving around a lot, bullying, near death experience. All these things can cause a person to self-harm and a lot of the time these people aren't suicidal, they just want relief. To get relief they need to confront the issue. Confronting the issue is scary. By confronting the issue they are reliving their traumatic experience and they are forced to feel things and talk about things that they have been hiding through self-harm. Those who self-harm also need to learn other ways to dealing with their pain which can be hard to do especially if you were raised in an environment where violence, self hate, anger and abuse were how you dealt with your emotional problems and if you have been self-harming for a long time, it's very difficult to let go of something that has been your comfort blanket for years. It's strange that something so painful can be so comforting to people. Self-harm is something that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it yourself. It is an issue that needs to be addressed. You can't make somebody stop doing it. Just like drugs you can't make a person stop their addiction unless they want to. What people don't want to see is that self-harm can **** someone. All it takes is one wrong move with a razor or whatever you self harm with and your done. If that truth doesn't scare anybody into taking this rising issue seriously, I don't know what will.
I sat next to your hospital bed
gently holding your hand
I was trying my best to stay strong
but it was hard because I didn't understand
You were dying in front of my eyes
there was nothing I could do
but I sat with you everyday
because I didn't want to be away from you
When the doctor said they did all that they could
I got frustrated with their words
they told me you would soon be gone
you will never know how much that hurt
to be told your losing the one you love
and you have no sense of control
it leaves you helpless and speechless
and in your heart it forms a hole
When you started throwing up your food
I knew what was coming next
your body was going to shut down more
all you could do was rest
I stayed up for nights praying
that a miracle would come
but I don't think God heard me
he still took you away from everyone.

The day you died was horrible
I wanted to fall apart
but I couldn't let you see me cry
so instead I kept strong
it took all I could to laugh with you
whenever you told a joke
it took every part of me to smile
whenever you spoke
on the night you night
you quietly whispered my name
you put your hand on my cheek
and for a minute it felt like nothing changed
you looked at me with those beautiful eyes
and you told me the words "I love you"
that's when it hit me
your life was finally through.

I kissed your lips for the last time
I laid beside you as you closed your eyes
I kept listening to your heartbeat
until God took away your life
when the beeping on the monitor went blank
I sat up and looked at the screen
I saw the flat line flashing
and right then I released everything
I think about that moment a lot
that memory never leaves my brain
I think about it so much
that it keeps me from doing anything
everyday is a struggle
it's a struggle because your not here
I'm used to doing everything with you
your voice was all that I used to hear
everything changed with one diagnosis
we didn't have time to prepare
so many dreams we had were shattered
but at the time we didn't care
So many things happened
during the last days of your life
your death taught me appreciation
it taught me to realize
that life here on earth is short
you never know when your time is up
you taught me to keep on fighting
and to never worry about the small stuff
I miss you more everyday
some days are hard, some days are easy
but I remind myself everyday
that you are always here with me
I will never forget our life together
you are someone I will always treasure
thank you for keeping your promise
to always love me forever and ever.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 19, 2011 Friday 6:01 P.M.
I have so much to tell you
I don't know where to begin
half the things I want to tell you
will probably be a sin
So I'm going to be honest
as honest as I can
I'm going to try my best to talk to you
without raising my hand
I really, really hate you
you are the biggest ******* alive
you make life so painful to live
I wish you all would just die
I don't want an apology
apologies don't mean ****
but you better back yourselves up
before I decide to hit
Why do I hate you all?
I can't believe what I hear
maybe it's the way you treated me
whenever I shed a tear
or maybe it's the way you put me down
when I had a smile on my face
or the way you called me white
and made fun OF MY RACE
MAYBE IT'S HOW YOU TOLD ME I NEVER DRESS RIGHT
HOW I'M SO DUMB
I WILL NEVER BE BRIGHT
OR THE TIME I SAID I WOULD BE SUCCESS FULL
YOU SAID "YEAH BY DANCING ON POLES"
OR MAYBE HOW YOU MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THE ONLY SHOES I HAD WERE WITH HOLES

........................

Maybe it's how you never knew me
but you judged me all of the time
or how you always laughed at me
when I had no money, not even a dime
Maybe it's how my hair was "stupid"
"I was trying to be a wannabe"
or maybe when I had a crush
you told me nobody would want me
I don't care about the things you said
or maybe I do
I don't hate the things you said
I just really hate each and every one of you
I hope you burn in hell
or I hope you suffer in death
"I hate you" are words I never say
but for you girls I mean them
and I'm never taking them back.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: September. 26, 2009 Saturday 9:59 A.M.

To the girls who used to bully me in High School.
I want to go far away from here
I'm sick of being in this place
I'm sick of feeling sick all of the time
I'm sick of seeing her face
I'm tired of being an outcast
I'm tried of being a joke
I'm tired of being questioned
I'm tired of wanting to choke
I'm fed up with being unaccepted
I'm fed up with how I look
I'm fed up with my emotions
and my dignity that they took
I'm sick of feeling out of control
I'm sick of being sad
I'm sick of feeling out of my skin
and always being mad
I'm sick of being a loser
I'm sick of being lame
I'm sick of being misunderstood
I hate feeling ******* insane.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: Started May. 12, 2010 Ednesday, Finished May. 13, 2010 Thursday 9:02 A.M.
Once upon a time
you played games with my heart
you gave me false hope
you tore my world apart
You threw away memories
some I'll never have again
even if we weren't a couple
I still wanted to be friends
How do I feel?
I don't really know
my heart is in pieces
yet I still love you so
All I can do
is try to move on
and just always remember
I wasn't the one in the wrong.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: August 4, 2010 Wednesday 3:02 P.M.
I turn the music up loud
to block out the noise
I put on my headphones
so I can't hear my voice
The guitars are blasting sounds
that are taking away my pain
the words are making me cry
and making me sweat like rain
My teeth are chattering from the cold
I'm afraid I'll get yelled at
I'm afraid to leave my room
I don't want to get screamed at
I'm afraid to be myself
I can't be something that I'm not
I'm tired of being depressed
and hating what I don't got
I turn the music off
I can hear myself cry
I really can't leave my room
but I'm afraid I'll have to try
I take my headphones off
I turn off my bedroom light
I fall asleep in my warm bed
and let everything fall into the night.
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July 30 2009 Thursday 12:30 A.M.
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