parallel to heart
eyes, wet and teary
without knowing

sobbing

wet looks inside
inside me
deep

tears do not
roll up
heartaches or momentary pleasure

without doubt, I set everything free
yet
putting myself on a bed
of doubt,
and some more doubts

every second
each minute
it burns
inside

I am not the one
who I used to be..
am I going to remember anyone?

perhaps not
all the depth inside has
turned into cold

no need to be for free
or at service
all else continues to live
with or without
like
how I breathed.

I smoke awaay
My pain my sorrows

Letting them drown
In a world
Which i don’t know much about

I counsel myself
In my own hearings
Presenting my heart
Against all the wrongdoings

Where do I find you
Where do I look for you
My heart sought
Those blissful mornings
When I didn’t know much of this world

I caresses my heart and my wounds
In my own inflicting pain
So to never lose
Of a person
Like you

Since I never liked losing
And even though I’m drunk
In these passionate remorse
All I am thinking
Is your heart

To remember you
In my finest touch

strange people are lonely
be in a crowd
or at a party
they are weird
i have never been lonely
never have i tried to find it
anyone could enter
and go
as they like
bothers me not a bit
since i have always had this itch
for loneliness
it never bothered me
people did !
with people
or at crowd, full of noises
my heart wandered alone
cherished solitude
I've felt
intense
and cried
bitterness ran within these veins
which i not bother speaking
nor do i want anybody to see
that's my property, my possession
which none allowed to enter
well ..
because you see nothing
you hear none !
words are only medium to express
i am bothered by nothing
spoken words just another thing
filling up this deep thick air
paper is a blessing
i lay my soul bare
with no scratch in my heart !
i believe we are all alone
we are all dumped
to nothing
cities are full
air is polluted with noise
mouths are big
tusk tusk
it's stupid to be who you are
truth hurts
yet it doesn't !
forget what you wear
or how you do
you are nowhere
but in a world
who is incapable to see
to feel
me neither !
its only loneliness sometimes make sense to me
when others don't !

lets fall in love again
and whisper our secrets
to the sunshines, fragrances
beauty
lets possess passions all over again
and forget all the bitter songs
comfort ourselves with brightness
smiles, hope and more love
life flying away soon
darkness crippling our souls
let's forget everything
be in love
and feel the beauty of love possessing
come and take
I am not here to decay
its not to be shaken
lets not fade our real selves
lets not forget our realizations
lets not forget our shortcomings
lets accept all and fall in love again

I want to hold again
let's stay and let this make it memorable
may we never feel sunset ever
lets make ourselves friends
and fall in love again !

let me live love
seize the moments of happiness and ecstasy
I am here just and only for this
let's not hurt ourselves more
forget the pain-giving matters
and embrace ourselves with love!

beware of the word love
it will haunt you
like an addict parent
or a missing brother

put everything aside
and follow
what desires you the most
even if it tastes
like a sour madness

and beware of them
who follow love
and asks for love
in return
for deceiving
and uttering shallowness

take instructions
as they have no other way
other to juggle you
in worst form

loneliness is not crime
being lonely
with people who claim to love
is the worst of all

better be alone
spread your wings
and fly
like a free spirit

we are unlucky
only when we think
of our bad luck
but think
of all the beautiful things
like nature
and wind
birds
oceans
and children

they make me smile
even i no longer want
we are all adolescent
living in a trapped minds

beware if somebody says
you are beautiful
your face doesn't define the nature of your beauty
it is for who you are
with your flaws
and with your rawness
imperfections

let everything fall apart
if it wants
and be what you want to be

follow your dreams
and fly as if you know nothing else

they say
'love heals all wounds'
let not bitterness
sit in your heart

i done all
people see
me
burning
bit by bit

love burns me
bitterness come inside
sitting in me
my heart

i try to raise my level
yet
it comes to me

i thought i am done
with bitterness

my heart says a different story
i can't breath
i am suffocated
in this skin
with all my 'love'


drunk in this bitterness
sitting by myself
gathering all my thoughts
trying
so hard
not to let it win
over me

my troubled heart
tells me
to speak up
guess
i am too shy of a person
to speak with my vocal words

am i running back?
I thought i came
forward with my life
but here we go
again

sitting in bitterness
with agony
in my heart
i can't fight
anymore

even for the sake
of love
guess i don't know my strengths


i am, yet
just so done
with hatred
bitterness
all over my face

i am burning
even if its' snowing outside
my own burning
burnt me, inside outside
like this tiredness
so what, if life has stopped living for me
so what, if love has stopped knocking at my door
i will walk, regardless
sooner, i will fall in love, again
to nature, to streaming beautiful waterfall
and i will start trusting again.
to those random faces, and their smiles
their beautiful words--spoken to me
telling me, 'oh, i look nice to them'..
why can't i trust--i have stopped asking
since its my own tiredness
in people, and their empty words
yet, i continue to move on..

imagine, if i find a soul, too
to make me fall in love again..
and let this burning go away
even if i find you, so what?
will this ease away my burning
that came, by your empty words?
or will it stop making me feel this tired
and lonely

so what, even if i get you..
i had this ache that if with you,
i will stop being this
alas, it was you, who made me feel
the loneliest

i have stopped looking
letting this burning consume me
i shall regardless, move on..
and continue to hope
that i, too recover from empty promises
and hollow words
so to be immortal again

such alone-some time
i feel
in my heart
my heart is like a machine
that never ceased
my eyes shut
sleep is shattered
the midnight dream
this little whim
all a messy thing

II
I hated people spoke
words are not the medium
but a reflection
shrunk heart's;
memorial of harshness
nothing persists
but some madman's roar
they cared only what they had
i am unaware of my state
in good humor
my heart listens to the world's lost glory

III
that blue sky, a dreamer's passion
flower like of red, pale, purple
such soft and beauty
thorns with them- and they die too
sobs my little heart within me
my mouth is quite
i am of depth; like of an ocean's
might and profoundness
such passions !
I despise them all
pale face; dim lips- grey eyes
colorless theme all around
my life like a motion picture
without of ******, or an end
Of its beginning i couldn't recall
recalling has been too ******* my mind
despite still, i could still spot them
one by one
and could believe it never came through me

IV
Counting and calculation are not my natural traits
i still am nature's most gifted soul
i blink, and i start crying
without tears, without care
i am diminishing little by little
tree holds too many leaves; those leaves reminds me of my rejections
reminiscent of my worn-out love
all your beauty, all your wits, all your profound speeches
i wish to believe them to be true
truth adores me, truth comes to me
like a weary emotion
whatever i write, i couldn't bother to read again
such tiredness in me
i don't plan any written stuff, or care about any stanza's; or any grammar
pain don't know language- its a hearts lost freedom
where our souls are its captive
since long
my idle state- my idealism, and my dreamy world- i long to be in there
reality is too big enough for me to take
i am solo in my ride

V
freeze, frozen- cold statue
a little gift you all brought while you appeared
with you, took away my pieces of sacred heart
claiming to having had felt
these little pangs, sore aches within ones soul
i bother not to confess that i am of another land
this world- i never enjoyed !

when the night plunged
darkness took me in its closet
i begin to vouch for the taste
my delights, my dreams
we've got nowhere to go
we've got no secrets
and i stand alone with solitary soul
its a consolation
where else you see real picture
the dusky shadows
and murky humor ..
it does not submersed me in its charm
neither voices
nor people..the happening
it never has..it never did
living in cracked life is a joy
pursuing myself
day by day- endless
to get what i lost
i thank heaven
for the mercy he bestowed me with
staying with me..in my worn out heart
it did mend..it did get widen
and the songs of my wonderings persist
without a desire to be heard or
to be understood
it was a solitary ride
about a soulful thought ..forgetful of any cares
they all turned out to be my weary companions
my the loyalist- the friendliest of all
i slowly took everything out of me
minute to minute..it profoundly wounded my affections
and pinched my soul; all my profane profanity stir up
I refuted with all my confessions; and made it be absent!!

I have no ******* idea
why was i doing
of what i did
you can call it
whatever
in my heart
i know
this is darkness crawling into me
I hurt my morals
my values
and I freed myself
from pain,
bitterness
to an untying knot i had
I let it go
selfish friends
meaningless acquaintances
from the past, from gone memory
i erased them
they met only in their need
used, only while they wanted
to them
i look like a shining star
with intellect
i took them
as my heart, my attention
with all sincerity
it doesn't matter
because i can't begin to notice anything

it is not enough
its never enough
it will never be enough

to this moment
now and afterward
it matters nothing
as with a heavy heart
i moved on

we all have our dark sides
sometimes, it turns us
black, cold
complete shallow
and hollow
sometimes, it drown us
and i wonder about my values,
my morals, my beliefs
where did they all go?
Is it a curse
or might it just be my own escape?
this darkness, that i feel
it made me loose myself
and i let it go
of my past, of my bitter realities
as i give myself
to people,
and to all people, of all kind, and race
its not even me
i do realize
yet i can't think more
as i dont know who am i
my heart sinks
and sometimes a lot
just in this moment
when i feel at loss
not feel like moving anymore
and i wonder
why i had to let go?
is it better than before?
this loneliness
that i wont tell
is something more of a soul
and heart
I guess, i just don't enjoy much
this world
or people
and maybe
o my darling, this just my too many thoughts
this darkness, that i feel
and it has no restrictions
as it drown me
completely.

come
and take this way
come let's bury our hearts
let's collectively build the memorial
of 'good one's'
who lost too soon
come and let's prepare a speech
we must know
what we speak to them
we must ensure we all did care very well
it's god's will
who can change the destiny
come and let's not speak to anyone
about our games
we must bury soon
before the wounds open up again
to catch us up
do not be afraid
nobody will get to know
the dead body won't come up rising
come
and take this way
let's bury our souls
collectively
we must mourn
to make others believe
we all took care of the matter very serious
it's only
we couldn't stop the happening
we must surrender
on god's will
let's bury
and forget it soon

I was a soul
i will stay a soul
in your love
i remain a crazy existence
hearts do not know what to do with their core
they are dissolved
day by day
not knowing of their lost self
i am determined
my mind did not took me along
when all the love was being disbursed
i was left alone
to feel alone the lonesome
in a world
which i know is not mine

-2014

t's a tragedy of life
that we think
whatever we like
regardless of how it is- in truth
the screams of our agonies
set us apart
from life and living
and we must know- we know nothing
we learn no secrets from earth
nor we make anything out of rivers, and oceans
we continue to be in our dark shells
where neither hope resides nor love
it's this inability of us- not loving
that makes our lives so hollow
i am disgusted to think
there's no equality, no compassion
in our hearts, nor in our minds
too much could have been done
and achieved- if only we knew
and realized
these words; i believe are the most powerful asset
i'll use it to depict the reality of the world
carrying the notes of hope, beauty and love
these are the most beautiful things happen to our restless hearts and souls
and the agitated wondering human mind
foresaking people for ones own pleasure
this world is getting crazy to craziest
and i know- this is the beginning of all the end- to be followed
life's still around, each day some dying
and some coming to this world of grief and torture
i wonder of mankind's ability to disobey
and rebel, how it overlook the essence of human existence
of one's own value and worth
i care to hold my mouth shut
yet my words come upfront
through the might of my passions
in sittings, in walking, in midnights, in mornings
not knowing how it pierces my world of peace
i, like many others destroy my own destiny with my foolishness
and regret afterwards
there's no room for regrets still
when there's ample space for dreams, for hopes
to all the lovers and dreamers
and i am aware of the setting of my heart's endless gloom
fiercely ablaze storms- meeting its dust of deceased
as it should and must
as i'm a dreamer, a soul set to fly soon
of a heart known only for love; and giving
even it hurts every inch of soul living and the bones composing the shape of my body
I, out of my sheer gratitude give out the submission to the nature
since i know not how to bow down
to people, even if loved
I remained unknown and fearless to their remarks
despite they are my heart's best lyric
all the piles of dust been thrown at me
to destroy the character, to belittle my passion
for which i care nothing, only a remorse
of deep sorry state that i feel
these words will always lack of what heart truly feel
in times of utter humiliation!

Do i hate you?
Or am i angry at you?
I don't hate you, i am not angry at you
but i just feel better
when i don't see you, when i don't speak to you
i remember the things that made me so miserable
and i know, this won't go away
just like that..
i am happy, i am truly happy that you are happy
and you're moving on
this is best for both..
but there is no room for anger,
or hate, or boredom revenge
hitting with each other with knife
and telling me later, how sorry you are
you were my little one..
what i felt with you, of what i never felt with anyone else
yet, let me tell you
i just don't want to speak to you
nor do i want to speak about you
my heart had enough, so did my soul
of tortures ..and these endless desires
of seducing and making out..
it seems you care, and have cared
but truth is..you cared only about yourself
nobody else..
and this will, once realize
will daunt you and your life..
i just wish, i never get to see this
and never had to see your face
ever, again..
till i breath.

everyone tells me to move on
yet here i am
writing poems, prose's about you
memories haunting me
like a needle in body
it won't leave my heart
is there a remedy?
for how we played? or how you played?
why do i care?
telling me, how naive i am
i wish i could stop moving on
any further..
while each word i write
it torture my soul
yet i cant keep it to myself
so i close my eyes..
i am scared i would lose myself
just like you..
i wish i become immune, cold
and remote..like you..
who do i compare with you
it won't be enough..
everyone tells me to be strong
just like how i appear to be..
but i keep guessing,
why i am still here?
feeling this, writing this
that continues to run in my head
like a time-machine
i don't want to wake up..
to feel any further, cause i know
there is no relief out there
my dreams tell me
i will be fine..
but this reality of darkness whispers something else..
yet there's no escape
except of sleep.

get dressed
and go to a club
this is where you will feel your soul mate
lying somewhere
drunk in its intoxication
waiting to be held..
people, things, life..and love
everything that jumbles up inside
like a drowning arrow
thrown to us..
waiting to hit us..

we stir ourselves..with more and more pain
by isolating us to people we love
who am i to judge?
All i feel is this endless trauma inside
waiting to be eased
is this my constant companion?
like a calm, superior wave
to drown me
inside its roar
who is there to save?

i remember those dangerous games
that i played--
now it's time to pay back
all i know..is i abort to this drowning hurt
to take me in its arm
since no other is there to hold me tonight ..

dress and make yourself look pretty
so the world outside see how happy you are
to sleep with you, to make love with you
to kiss you like a baby
so what, if we are hurt?
all i know... that i have sold myself
to these statues of pain..

to those pictures of hurt..
people who come by, saw its beauty and left it
on its own..
and here i am ..
drunk in my intoxication
giving me pain every second, every minute
wishing i stop breathing
for a minute
and forget everything
that ever existed..

Dec 2017

shhh
they will listen
don't make noises
what will they think?
you cry
even in this spirit
they must not know
you are like a fool child
who cry each time
why do you have to be so problematic?
can't you just behave?
i must not hear a word any further
that's an order!

this is not your playground
where you could be whatever you want
go and sit in your room
i shouldn't see wondering around
nor should i hear anymore
complaints about you
neighbors have been complaining
of your ill-remarks, of your illogical presence
don't think i am absent to any of your activities
do you realize how ashamed am i to have you!
you should not bring bad to my name
or i cut your legs
and i must separate you
as you neither deserve respect nor credentials
you don't know how to respond
look at others!
How well they behave; have you seen them crying?
they perform so well
they all outrun and excel
look at you, your ***** manners
little grumpy fellow !
I must warn you
before you get more spoil
you will be denied to any outgoing activity
if i receive a complain from another source
you are gone
wipe your ******* eyes
and these crocodile tears
nobody will going to buy you for your tears!
Remember you scoundrel
in life
you have to be your own
realize it
before it gets too late
and i must again warn you
this is all fools tricks!

Wind cries
Feeling whirls
Owing to life's constant playing
Tell me of good
Speak me in your beauty
Forget all cruel
Hold cheers in your dancing matters

-2014

dead man walking
another footsteps
i am afraid to feel
within soul
let's be quiet
or else they will hear
you don't want yourself to get in trouble
we find trouble anyway
not many know
we are all dead man walking
carrying the skeletons
colored with flesh
lets take it somewhere
feeling cold
nowhere to go
the dead man walking too close by
i hear his footsteps
awaiting to catch
his face reminds me of hurt
he is there always in my heart
not too small
its carrying me around
wherever he goes
like a big boy
i am afraid
his presence makes my heart heavy
i want to close it down
forgetting where he lives
wish he takes exit
for good!

time's imperative need
to always perform
and be in conscious
of all the things that matters--is that nothing matters
Why do we even care?
i witness these movements, in and out,
here and there
As if, at some times, it will make sense
and for what?
with solitude, and with darkness in our minds
we move around--ask these wind,
the waves, and lyrics that you listen to 24/7
trying to relate to what we feel
night and day
in bleak of solitude, dwelling in profound drunkness
ask that who cry with their wide smiles
ask that which whines with their perfections
ask that who are restless in between sleep and awake
for life's eternal burden--that breaks and pierces within
and you must stop worrying
for words can't tell
what we go through
it's a forever going circus.
let's fill ourselves with wine,
poetry, our floating existences..
and these careless words, sometimes deep
sometimes shallow
and must stop worrying.
for each other, and for one another

i dont know much
i can't recall
either
nor do i understand
too good or too less
the swaying away
or staying firm
i don't remember
the going
or coming
even or odd
head or fall
is it the winters game
or falls season
there's no alternative
no going back
i dont!
dancing away with the pain
and joys
i dont remember much
as my memory can't trawl back
it cease to be !
in the moments of downfall
if my wings could fly
or date back to time's origin
we never know who, what
and why
i never sought
too consumed to think
hanging on
around and around
there
here
like a clock's tic tic
now i sit
without substance
just like this
avoiding a narration
that it hurts like a knife in heart
stabbed deep
so deep

what i felt with him,
i felt with none
and what i feel
for him,
i feel nothing more
for anyone
other than ***** eyes
over my body
awaiting to be licked and pressed
but he was none other than my own idea
of love
and of being loved
his were nothing but
women
and other women
wanting him more and more
out of desperation
i feel nothing
other than him

2015

don't die
we all need you
you are too good
it doesn't matter to us what you feel
we don't think
about you
nor do we care about it
don't give us despair
you are mad--full of craziness
we don't understand anything
but too good
your actions make us want to have you more
like an addiction
we do take your presence for-granted
we believe we have a right on you
you let us think this
so we do it
we don't see your tears
we don't feel your thoughts
it doesn't matter to us
i told you we are all indifferent
but i assure
we all need you
you bring us good
you do us good
you make us feel good
yet perhaps we are not able to do same
because we can't
if we will
we fear of losing you
who will we have for free?
such a good deal
who leaves!
We don't..so we don't bother
about you
for you
don't expect
are you listening me?
you can't die
you are too good
who will make us feel good
if you die?
don't think we will cry
our lives will still continue to go on
unlike you
who stops and cry for everyone
don't expect us
we are all indifferent.

It always has me hooked; writing. The sentences, or concatenation of words. This sentence, writing about home; in a black canvas; but i don't feel anything. A doubt sets in. The terrible silence of blank paper, judging the every line i write here; makes me intimidated of its existence. I can see in my mind, i want justification of everything. A perpetual quest, i felt; since i discovered in me. From childhood. It's like there, existing within my existence. I was more used to writing, words; before--now, it's like changing phases; staying with nature--wish i had more time. Or I had more of life, in me---or wish i had the meaning of home;  a search for meaning. Those meanings that i lost, in my own meaningless. Every word betrays my existence.
Home is the silence; like a graveyard of memories--that never existed. Or a perfect illusion. In my mind, i created the delusion of perfect harmony; of home--a dear home. It never existed, or maybe it will exist in these white, horrifying silence of blank paper. In a dismal of time and space. This blank paper, or jumbled up words; is a testimony of home. All the fleeting answers, or the questions i had; are lost. In empty, broken mirror of home. Piercing thunder of these words, dark words--in a hope to feel meaning of home.

I belong to heart
I belong to mind
I belong to all of you
I am your friend
I am your enemy
I am your stranger
I stay in disappointment
I stay in prayers
I stay in tears

I belong to heart
I belong to mind
I belong to all of you
I am your friend
I am your enemy
I am your stranger
I stay in disappointment
I stay in silence
I stay in tears

-2014

i feel like a *****
ended up being used ...
trying to sell my body
and my soul
i have sold myself
to people...to people i love
sometimes its the life that hurts the most
but not people, that hurts..
sometimes i am too vulnerable
like a wreck
i end up hating myself
each moment, i breathe
sometimes it's the things that hurts
but not yourself..

we are the slaves of our emotions
drifting into each other like a lover
this love--that i speak, hurts like a needle in body
why do i care so much?
i am too alien to my own thoughts..
i wish i knew the answers--all i had the questions
that wrecked my soul..

sometimes its not the words that hurts
but life, itself--that hurts the most..
yet, in the end...
it's the hurt, that i feel
my companion for night and day
that's there to stay with me forever ...

i feel like destroying everything but i can't
my hands are tied, so is my heart..
little tiny thing inside us,
that aches like a burning volcano
all i know..
its' not always the people that hurts
but life itself, that hurts the most..

Dec 2017

I won't let you speak me
There's too much in my mind
and i won't let you read
you don't have to be anything
i won't have to taste it
i will taste it
even if it taste so bitter
and i'm so on my own.

i'm back on my own
with my black and white
and i don't know where to call my home
i'm my own home
i'm my own shelter
i don't have to be anyone
to be accepted
i don't have to be anywhere
to be seen
they know I'm here
true and kind

if you will call
i won't let you mind
this distance is fine
and i know you can't care
I've no heart to care
there's no big deal
i don't want you back

And I am fine with that
i don't have to pretend that i care
reminding myself of my lost mind
all my wasted energy
as i don't care
any less or more

there's too much in my mind
i need to speak
but i don't have time
as i've no heart
i had to see how you not bothered

I am so amazed
these changing colors
it's summer here
the sunshine is keeping me warm
i was cold in my own fire

did you see it
as i see you not noticing anything
you didn't see me leaving
there was too much in life that you wanted to keep
other than I,
so i didn't mind
your mind won't let you leave my thoughts.

But i won't care
i don't pretend.

****** me
when i am gone
kiss me
when i am no more
touch me
when i am nowhere to be seen
drink me
when i am dying ..

I am haunted by my own
All i had was myself
to my own,
i don't recall myself
leaving behind, i don't care how i am seen
i lost myself to a place
where i dont belong
i lost myself to people
who i don't know no more
i lost myself to myself
to a one, i don't recall much.

If i die
don't cry
or feel sorry for me
but rather
celebrate my life
my heart
my soul
it once gave away
everything; for people
people of all kinds
race, religion
color or region
it didn't stop loving..

let my life be told like a beautiful rhytm
rekindled in tears, casual smiles
lonely moments
sitting in coffee shops, just by yourself
or amidst people, in crowd..
knowing there's no one else who would hear your stories
and yet willing to take as who you are

if i die
don't feel i was miserable
because i was a life within life
a smile in laughter
a soul who doesn't trouble any
my life was a beautiful ride
and remember so is my going away
it will touch you deeply
and you will be reminded me of
in moments, in casualness
in summers, in autumn
of love, of beauty, of friendships
of relationships - of being with people
without ever asking
just don't stop feeling
because of my going away

if i die
don't cry, don't grieve
as i have moved to one place to another
so celebrate my smile in your smiles
and let my memory be like music
forever there in background
keeping you alive
and young..

how i loved you
it will be like this
putting your heart into a box
hoping it transform with its force--like a real jewel box
the shy sweetness of your eyes---i have longed to forgo these glimpses
i craved you out of my miseries
i looked for you
in my hallucinations
i have desired you
even when i felt nothing else
in life after life
in moments to moments
yet nothing leads me to you
your ways are distracted
your mind is too dreadful
in my most innocent forms
and shapes
i have loved you
like a real spell
it's an old pain --like of an old age
being together or apart
you held me in most bewildered shapes
in your most captivating ideas
i had longed for your soul to wrap around mines
i had longed for your eyes to give its insight to mine
i had longed for your mind to speak through mine
in a most timeless manner
i executed everything
and have felt the most distressful pain in my swelled up heart
my body aches --my heart trembles
my sulking eyes do not shed any more tears
they are afraid of the loss that it feels
you emerge in me like a son to her mother
like a rainbow in rain -- i had loved you in my most worst times
in ways i cannot describe
all my words fall short
while reflecting how truly i feel
my mind goes numb
my soul rejects everything
and i stare on you
looking at your bewildered ways
of deceiving, of your ideas and of your norms
your tribes and your so-called values
they fail to reflect you of a character
of which, i hold the best

if i tell you of the ways
you will not be yourself anymore
you will fall trapped by the darkness that you left on me
at the heart of another, by eyes of another
you will lose the way out -- you will find no where
even if it gives everything; you still fall behind
you became an image
that my mind adored---my heart craved
both past and future
present and lost ---my heart has made love songs out of separations that it felt
the memories merging into one another, the love madness cherishing it like a mother
you are no more than bewitching idea
yet i can't keep myself away, from your thoughts
from your memories, from your heart
as if it knew nothing else--other than yours
in so many forms
i became formless
creating a charm of another mind--the daughters and sons of love
but if i tell you
clad in the dark spot of heart-- it no longer desire knowing you anymore
and i will let my heart spill out
in ways and ways-- of speaking its force
to be safe till it desires least of you in every bit of time!

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a British thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

you bought me a lipstick
red lipstick
it keeps me warm
and young
tell me when you're done
i am a canvas that may be loved
till madness
yet i am so lonely, with all my colors
i am haunted by tenderness, gentle memories
with thoughts of heated arguments
where my looming gloom sets in
have i thought of you too much?
tell me when you're done with your ******* and find peace
in this gentleness
I am just too bored to think of you anymore
my head hurts, my arms are empty
where do i find the thought that keeps me moving on
yet i am too wrought by in's and outs
of your gloom in me
love has quit my soul and replaced it
with your spirit of lust and craving for utter madness
i wear the color of red, on my body
and my lips..
yet i am so cold

i have to tell you
I remember
even the misty sounds of silence
deep glimpses of your eyes
there are times
when i am surrounded by images
sounds, voices
mystery and strange
i dont let anyone know it
like a great fictional memory
i remember
even the alphabets used in dialogues
so were the syntax of statements
this sun strike me
like a bus hits a man
a vagabond
of it's own
i'm like this
wondering on my own
to escape myself of the voices
and the sounds
visions
there are times
i hardly even bother to read
my mind becomes my diary
these alphabets become
my love life
so i solitary i keep them
without a need
to define.

I drank my sorrows
Leaving them behind
Somewhere
I don’t recall
All I know
Is the key
To this locker
I’ve thrown away
Far from my reach
So I could be sober
Again
To find my heart
Once more
And embrace it all
To heal my unheard wounds

am i home
am i home
am i home
can you see
can you see
can you see
let me know
if you can
let me know
if you can find
let me know
if you can feel
lets embrace the changes
lets face the challenges
don't mind keep going
make a chance with the world
it is not to take seriously
or else
you will have another heartbreak

romance with me while you smile at me

photographs, and the vivid memories
will it turn into a beautiful rhythm
of our bygone love..
listen, and let me fall in love with you
all over again
listen to these falling words
hearts that are beaming in mixture of love
and separation
if, only you could come
love will come to me
and life will smile with me
it's like a desert without rain
reminding me of your smiles,
of your love--
telling me, i don't belong here

for another heart, you may be a person
with beautiful appearance..
but listen--listen to these words
that will make you fall in love with yourseslf
listen from my heart, listen to these songs of my heart
asking me of your whereabouts..

my beloved, listen to my breaths that i take
sleep that has gone away from me
and from not loving you
i have stopped loving all once
and yet, here i am
feeding my love to grow over me
beseeching me to find the beloved
that has gone away..

Last night
I saw a boy
Standing, leaning back, gloomy and lost
As if he lost something precious
Something that was closest to his heart
Drunk and sunken eyes
With no identity
And I wondered, what's in his mind?
What's that keeps him distant
Distracted and aloof
To the world
Where everyone strives to be
He didn't look at me, nor did he speak to me
As I walked away
I felt his pale face, his sunken eyes and lost soul
I wondered of his belongings
Is he like me too?
A drifter, a nomad
As wherever I go, I carry this restlessness
And wherever I am, I no longer feel home
That boy, he reminded me of my own escape
My running away
From everyone,
to comfort people by being distant
He was lonely, despite being surrounded by people
And shy, trying to be present
When his soul was drifting elsewhere
As I walked away from him,
I still wondered what he did with his life?
As I write this, in a coach station
My mind ask a million questions
Am I doing worthwhile doing?
Last night, I felt my reality facing me
An escape, feeling many goodbyes
Numbing the pain,
Hoping not to feel it.
I wonder, does anyone feel same as I felt for that boy?
Despite that, like that of boy
I'm unable to see, or hear
But I still wonder
Am I doing anything worthwhile doing?
I hear nothing back in response.

I used to have words
I could write them
through my fingers
with a rhythm
of my heart
of my life
it feels words, too,
gone far
from my reach ..

this struggle
i bear inside
i no longer can narrate
with feelings of my words!

i see so many people
around
all
over
me ..
yet i no longer feel the empathy
of hearts
or
companionship of my words
it hurts
it aches within!

all my efforts
all my struggle
seems to go in vain ..

glasses get broken
so many people
with broken heart
broken limb, empty soul
it feels nothing heals

people come
and go..
sometimes, people stay
to change their colours
their patterns
with each passing day

yet, no words seem to soothe anything
so maybe it
an end to all of beginning
of this slaughter
martyrdom of hearts and passions

this, maybe the
beginning of my freedom
reviving through
my words
and this story!

I tried to called the name,
with a name
which i didn't knew
but i wished to know it still, long enough ..

i said it loud and clear
in a place
of where i didn't remember
but i wished to feel it still, long enough..

i held it close, so hard
to be mine, in a night
which i knew was not mine
but i wished to sleep it still, long enough ..

i cried it bitterly and slow
in a dream
of what, i knew didn't longed
but i wished to hold it still, long enough ..

i lived it near, so close
to be with me, in a heart
which i knew didn't felt
but i wished to heal it still, long enough ..

i saw it more and more
in the drunkenness
of the feelings which i knew is broken
but i wished to drink it still, long enough ..

i loved it passionately, so ardent
to be loved
when i knew i hadn't even gone close to long enough
but i wished to be loved it still, long enough..

love inside me
future seems bright
yet so lonely
and without love

love is all over me
past is full of evilness
pain, hurt
and burning
love never came to me

lies, betrayal
failure
loneliness
have,
shielded me
in its wrath

words have always been my companion
my saviour
my lifeline
it seem to have gone away

whilst i write this
in middle of night
alone
i write with fury of my heart
no knowing
what words come of me

memories haunt my peace
life betrays me
in a nutshell

i cry with all my love
dying inside me
yet so alive

my heart, you'll always long for
despite, I'm love bound
for you
regardless of where you are
I've been holding you for too long
tears never dry--my sweet love
everything is bright and lovely
and goodbye, my love
oh my darling
I chose to let you go off my mind
yet, my heart
you will always long for
because I am love-bound
these good-bye angles
kissing you gently
reminding you of our love and our undying spirit
it feels so unreal
but i know, i must move on
and this love bound heart
oh my darling, you will always long for
despite, its just I won't be there
to console you
anymore and any further

love is never enough
you hit me, and it felt like love
i am filled with rage
so many passions, burnt up emotions
in my own burning volcano
why didn't i die there?
i marvel on how much it can hurts?
yet i am here
refusing to move on..
feeling every punch of you
as if it's the best thing ever..
knowing it's the only thing you gave
boxed in beautifully wrapped named 'love'
filled with poison,
rage, and so much hurt.

love can't be held
it can be captured
it can't be described
what i feel, might you feel same
but we feel all of us,
burning desire,
little by little
i thought i know pain--of letting go
it's more than that..
i loved with this love, of being loved
i am not angry
but i just thought---i know pain
i was wrong..
all i am feeling is pain...a lot of pain..
you can't escape
i wasn't enough
even if you loved me
inch by inch of you--yet moving on
i would imagine i knew the feeling
but i forget--every time
how much it hurts--of love
love, that runs in my body
like veins, like rushing blood
i feel for everything, and everyone
yet it's for only few
you amongs them
and its not enough.

the one i love
is not with me
i don't cry nor i discuss
melancholy stays with me
night and day
whats melancholy?
is it the pain of heart
or sadness of soul
i trade with both
there's too much
we move on
not knowing the whereabouts

life rolls on and on
like a roller coaster
why do i write
despite i feel empty
so hollow
i don't even think i am living
i feel non-existent
a memory a hallucination
of a loved one
of being loved
yet these words comes like a lava
waiting to erupt

we are too busy
living a dream
not ours'
but everyone else's
to keep everyone happy
to ensure they stay with us
they don't
nobody does
we are often accused for being too cruel
too corrupt

yet we all live
like a standby picture
as if we have been waiting for time
to embrace us
to befriend us

the little pains and our sorrows
i wanted to get rid
but sorrows know how to swim
it's all around me
its all over me
its all on me
and the one i love
is not with me

4 am & i am up
thinking about life; and those casual heartaches
blurred over lines, from
hangovers; from last night
dissolved in an abyss
lost in momnets of love.

6am and this struggle
continue in my vassal, holding into hope
these are careless whinning
another vegabond- bottled up
in crazy soul; and this body
how do i refine myself of these
'too many' memories
i still don't know why i cried
it's something that my heart
rearranged & felt in its cage- waiting to be free
carved in moment of silence

8pm - i replace smiles
and removing soberity
putting on wilderness- empty roads
empty brothels
people- of their smiles; faces; of all kind
and rendered between those faces
dancing away like i am not myself
as long as i can dance.
who cares to be carrassed.
this town is a blessing-
slowly & drifting away- i am crafted in these soulless ***** nights

midnight- & those fading passions
everything changes- like a bad man's dream- why did i leave?
i was never meant to stay back?
never fits into this mess
there''s no healing- and no way back
unable to recognize this emptiness- not everything gets filled
it's like both way- glass half full; and half empty
all surrealist--fading away
into a myth of starry night.

Everybody says me weeper, gloomy
gentle in pain
everybody thinks me pain, weeping
delightful weeper
I am a delight force, my weeper
bitter delight
my words are the companion
tasteful but alone

O the weeper, the gloomy heart
take me to the river
and tell me; why do I love?
Cover my heart and my soul
from thickness of your sheet
Or else, I will die
by the coldness of hearts

Because I love ardently
and I am alone; You listen
for your needs, for your needs
I give every drop of my blood
and You take delight, calling me weeper
gloomy but beautiful

Who are everybody; but you
alone do I cry; my weeping heart
take us to the mountains
in heights where we sing together; loud
intense but gentle
What do you want more
and you call me gloomy

I am like a beautiful smile, my gloomy
sweet but short
I am like a taste of intense, weeper
bitter but powerful!

Do you want more, the weeper
my words are the only one left out here
Along with my heart
the departing heart!

- June 2011