and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Nothing's the same because of you.
I miss our hugs and kisses.
The way we would laugh.
They way you smiled.
The way I saw myself in your eyes.
I knew I meant everything to you.
But I didn't see it
And I needed too.
Now that you have your life and I have mine, I have no one to run too.
I'm alone without you.
I need you here.
Please come back.

I’m trying to convince my friends that I don’t like you anymore and that I only think of you as a brother.
But am I trying to convince them or myself?
I close my eyes and see your ridiculous smile
I see you in the faces of my school mates
I see you everywhere
My heart aches every time I think of you
Is this love?
Probably not
Love don’t exist
I see the proof is my friends heartbreak and my parents fights
But how do you manage to make me feel like this
Get out of my head you’re driving me crazy
Stop it
You’re torturing my brain
This is an endless torture
You’re a personal devil sent straight from the fires of hell to torture me
To make my heart crumble as I listen to you talking about another girl
Feel my heart break into a million pieces and crumble into ashes as I see you with another girl
This is against everything that I stand for
I refuse to let this get to me
I will be immune to you
I will be immune to everyone else
I will be heartless

(s.a.)