I do not not have anyone to save me

Just a kayak

Money I can only have if I go to school

And a dream

I'm currently at a family party
I was grabbing a chicken finger
When I saw my great uncle
How are you
He asks
I smile
Say
I'm fine
And
He
Chuckled

Said
I don't believe that

I ask why

He says

Because
I
Know
You

I had a dream last night
For the first time in months
And in that dream, I saw her again
I was sleeping, and I dreamed I was alone in a glass capsule floating in the middle of the sea
It was dark, i couldn't tell if the water was black
or red
And the sky was full of charcoal clouds and fire
There was a window type thing open in my capsule
I was trying to figure out how to close it when I started sinking
Water didn't suddenly flow in though
It was a slow trickle
And no matter how far down i sunk,
I had a theory after a few hours there was no bottom,
I could still see the sky and the sea
Trying to strangle eachother
But through the water it was tinted red
And the water was getting very close to my neck
And it was flooding in faster now
But instead of trying to take another breath, I sat down in the water
And I drowned as I watched the futile battle, lighting flew down at the churning sea as it rose higher and higher to drown the clouds
And I woke up screaming
I got in a car
And I drove to her
No phone, no maps, it didn't matter that I don't even know where I am in my own neighborhood usually,
Because it was my fate to find her
Our heartstrings were tangled and I was following that invisible thread
That lead me straight to her
So I knocked on her door,
And she opened it and smiled
The first genuine smile I have been given in months
And she took me inside
And she held me while I cried
And listened as I told her my dream
I apologized for not calling ahead
As we sat on her bed
But she told me she didn't mind
And she stayed by my side
As weeping started turning to sleeping
And when I closed my eyes there

My eyes automatically opened here
This world they call reality
And when I realized I did not actually see my old friend, and that the comfort I recieved was not comfort at all, it was just a wish
And I cried again

It's dark under all these blankets
And right now, the only thing I can feel is the beating of my heart
But that's not such a bad thing
Because at least I know I'm alive
And memories come flashing back
Of years ago, of yesterday
I was little once
And living was a very fun thing to do
And the only high I knew of was on the swing sets
When I was convinced with just one more push, I could kiss the sky
Then I got bigger
And what I cared about
was being funny and my grades
in that order
Didn't even realize no one liked me til I overheard a conversation in a bathroom
I was so confused
So broken
People aren't supposed to be like that
I told myself
It was the first time another person actually hurt me
With a comment I was never supposed to hear
And that she said so casually
Life was hard then because I did not understand people, but after that I did understand I was alone
Then I got to just about where I am now
Went to eighth grade
Found real friends for the first time
In my whole life
It was amazing
I tried to not scare anyone away with how surprised I was
And under my cool exterior,
How joyful, how unbelievably happy I was for the first time,
Life was good to live then, because even though I knew some people could be mean, my friends, finally getting to use that word, my friends, would never do that to me,
Then I had to leave
Started freshman year at a new school
The only person I really knew there was my brother,
And every class I went to, the teacher saw my last name, asked me about my siblings, talked about how brilliant they were, one literally said
I expect great things from you
The whole class stared at me and I shrunk into my seat
I had PE with a few people the only pleasant acquaintance I had made so far was friends with
But the only options for months were pingpong and basketball
Two things I happened to be very good at
One of them accepted me
openly enough but didn't talk to me
But there was also a blond girl
Always dressed well
I wore tshirts and shorts every day
And who would always look at me
In geometry if I answered a question
In PE after I won again in king of the court or bump
And her eyes would say
who the hell do you think you are
That went on for a while
But we're okay now I think
We had CCD together
And both love the theatre
And we have the same lunch
And now she laughs with me instead of that look
And that pleasant aquentince and I
Thank God for his angels
Hang out sometimes  
My English teacher understands me and the librarian gives me books to read
And life isn't inherently  good or bad to live, I think, it doesn't need to be, it's just something to experience, to learn from, so I'll be ready for whatever's next

It always seemed light years away.
I never thought the day would come,
or I'd even make it here.
It's unbelievable as to what happens by the time you turn 16.

You make mistakes,
but you have the best time of your life.

Trying drugs,
getting drunk.

Things I never thought I'd do.

All I can really say is this,
I made it.

Through the good and the bad,
I've made it.

I never want to sleep in the house again
I never want to look at my phone screen again
I never want to hold the hand of someone I don't love again
I never want to be feel like I'm sick again
I never want to look back again
I just want to run away
and live in the woods

I'm in my garage
Yellow paint on my fingers
Red on my nails
I'm spray painting and normal painting and everything in between
On a ukulele
From a show I don't really watch
For a person I don't really know
And that makes me sad
Because they don't know me either
But to be someone's friend you must know them
And right now
No one knows me
And I think I would like to change that
Because I think I would like to have a friend again
It's kind of nice
Most parts
From what I remember
But most of the people I know don't really understand friendship
Because they said "oh I love her!"
And then looked down at the table embarrassed as she ran away crying
And it left in awful taste in my mouth, seeing them, as I chased after her,
I do not like realizing things that make me sad
But I guess if it hadn't happened
Then I wouldn't have decided to try,
Her being upset was a very bad thing
But it strengthened who we were in relation to eachother
And it made me really realize, I've known all along, I suppose decide is more appropriate, and that is a good thing
It's funny how the world works that way