red wine
lips purple
menthol breath
with smokey gaze
heart out,
for me to see
vulnerable
open
terrified, white like a sheet
hoping your demons
won't scare me away.
but darling, it's gonna take a lot
to make me run
because never have i had
the sun
you, shining on my life
brilliant, radiant, light
full of spinning threads
straw into gold
like that old fairy tale we know
glittering, atoms within
your very core
I love them all,
like no one before.

logical love
isn't my forte
and neither is
the concept of
loving lightly.
when i choose you
you are the one
thing i will think
of every second
of every day
and even when
i'm selfish and leave
you, the chosen
will never leave
my mind, for years
and years to come.
until finally,
i've loved myself again.
and then, right after
i find another chosen
soul to fill the desire
to completely love
and passionately
dedicate my feelings
this act of service
this act of dedication
comes with a price
for my own sanity
sometimes risks itself
and the fear that creeps
into my bones when
commitments arise
have kept me from
really and truly
loving another

but now, you,
i didn't choose
for you followed me
and pursued and made
me feel, for the
first time in my life,
truly wanted.
someone who
believed in me
and in everything
i stand for and
stand against.
and someone who
saw things in me
i couldn't see before
and who loyally
displayed their heart
on the flannel sleeve
of my favorite red shirt.

you, never have i felt
this wanted by another
human and such an incredible
force of care and love
towards me, even in my darkest
hours of pain and depression.
you pull me into you
through mind and body
and shield me, even from myself.

you know me,
better than i think i know myself.
and knowing what you do
you see what i cannot
and you give me a sense
of security, understanding,
and support that i've never had.

trust in me, my darling,
that this partnership
will set the world aflame
for the two of us
can only bring light into
this darkening world.

to not have to be someone else
that is freedom
to have the ability to love
that is freedom
to honestly open myself
that is freedom
to tell you how it is
that is freedom
to give my all, even when I'm tired
that is freedom
to be honest with myself
that is freedom

to love you
that is freedom

to feel loved by you
that is freedom

to accept the love, I think
no, to accept the love I know
I deserve
THAT is freedom.

You and I
we will capture the sun
in our hands and feel
the starlight on our backs
bare to the moon and
smooth against the earth.

You and I
we will go into the
darkness of life
with our hands held tightly
like the knitted trees in the
most dense forests on earth.

You and I
we will see to the world
aiding in its development
of compassion as a living
breathing mechanism
this is our choice.

This is my choice.
To allow this love to consume
my very being and to shut
out those voices from everywhere
telling me what to do
and how to do it.
who to love.
who to hate.

This is my choice.
Un-wavered by the sounds of
all the world around me.
Like a pillar, I stand in
conviction that this love
is mine to cherish
and adore
and nourish.

Conviction is my choice.
You and I.
my choice as well.

The noise is everywhere --
but here in my permanent mind
I choose for it all to be quiet
and for it to just be
You and I.

Inside is loud
Inside is knitted
Outside is shining
Outside is confident
Outside oozes gold
and drips in perfume
inside is complicated
Chaotic, tired, pained
thinking in circles
giving attention to the now
And neglecting the burned
Holes in my jacket
Imperfect and proud
But it’s so loud
She has not taken time
To listen to her body
Her heart
Her spirit
She drifts in the oceans
Of what she should be
What she could be
Labels attached
Labels attacked.
Wishing to be free. Fully.
Like the dress I wore
The night I first kissed you

feeling
is challenging
when your day
is made up
of feeling
other people's feelings
when i get home
i can't even deeply
look inward
because my mind is
surrounded by
others.
but my apathetic heart
is now even more so
faded and grey
because i have lost something
deep within me
that lit a fire under me
what is it
when did it go missing
i know the answer
but am afraid to say
for all i have are my words
and i shan't waste them.

my leo
my sun
hard to get away from
your charm
your bright light
that shines directly
into the most intimate
crevices of my being
you know me
in ways others don't
the dark sides
the sides that no one has
touched, reached for,
or even questioned
my most closed secrets
and my most passionate
ideas and desires
you ask.
you've always asked
always trusted me
always glanced in my
direction with a look
that is so full of romantic
impassioned love

loyal leo, my loyal leo.
i raise my eyes to you
blushing, extremely red
your favorite shade
of my cheeks pressed
close to you as we sat
on that cold evening
when we first told
each other we loved one another.
i was so afraid.
so i ran away from your arms
instead of into them as i should have
and now, almost a year has passsed
and i realize that my love
for you has not changed
though my body is not there
next to yours every morning.

now i lay there wishing
i could reach over and touch
that body, entity, that i learned
so well over the months we
spent teaching one another
giving our own selves
over to one another.
for you, you know that our  
paths were meant to cross
again and again and again
because we indeed
are meant to be together.

this time, i'm not running
except home to you.

reckless; [rekləs]
adjective
(of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action.

this is how i love
dangerously
recklessly
without fear
of our demise
or of our longevity

this is how i live
without thought
or care
or worry
truly in my core
i do worry
but truly in my core
i also do not.

this is how i drive
my car
speeding down the road
music so loud
my thoughts are drowned

this is how i sing
top of my lungs
air in my body
colors spouting forth from my lips
heavily and intently
pointed at you
hoping
that if i sing loud enough
the universe will hear my call
and bring you back
twist you into me
so that i can love you for just
a little longer
if you let me

this is how i breathe
without mind
but in mind
i think of your air
that you breathe
it is the same as mine.
clean
cool
refreshing
shaping the inside of my lungs
with careful molecules
and bits of dust
giving oxygen
life

this is how i see
the moon in my sky
is the moon in yours
it is the same
one in the same
we stare at it together
and yet apart
without worry
without care
without consequence
we stare.
longing for it to love us back
reflecting ourselves
in its large light
i see myself
reflected
one in the sky,
one with the sky
and yet,
fading so fast
because the sun is coming.

reckless.
dangerous.
impulsive.
i sit on my own sleeve
heart out.
like a ******* idiot.
but i can't help it.
i can't help
but to indulge in this game
this dance
this music
this love
this life
this dream that is my reality.

i can't help
but to be
K(erra)T(he)R(eckless).

I can taste it,
like a deep Cabernet
rounded in my mouth
like the words that circulate,
flirting some sense of destiny
between curled lips.

like the softness of skin
against skin
I can feel it.

there was a fall,
walking along blindly and then
suddenly
dropped into some warm space
of the universe
caught between deep contact of our eyes
and the pounding of the blood
I swear I could hear it in my head.

heart beating out of its cage
Protected, once
Freed, abruptly
A sparrow fluttering between
the horizon and what was
before
the barrier it had set for itself

It hopes,
this time is different.

*******
forever is a long time.
how can anyone
say forever and
really mean it.
i mean
jesus
*******
*******
that's a long time.
like
eternity?
phew.
****.
no way.
run.
running.
see ya.

i’m used to this
being cast aside
for another.
so don’t fret,
darling.
i’ll be fine
as i always am.
you’ll be another
scar on top
of another scar
which seals my heart.
and i’m sad because
i won’t tell you good morning
and i won’t write you
into my poetry
and because
i won’t kiss you
or touch you
or know you
any longer because
you are confused
or figuring it out
but i am sad.
i wish my eyes were half-shut again
where i couldn’t see
anything but you
but this is not the case now
for you are like leaves in the wind
falling gold in autumn.

i think i give up
loving.
i think i give up
trying.
i’ll be quiet now.
and maybe
for the next few years
to come.

inside of me
the world sits,
center of my heart
fire and water
and earth and air
all elements
wrapped up in a cloth
of gold and azure
stars in my eyes
molecules of divinity
piecing me together
as i am reborn
as the goddess of fate
of life of death of all

"you're on fire
and you don't even know it"
god is a woman
and she is me
and i am her.

i have a new face.
it's painted with
white and red.
it has an expression
of blank resilience.
i want you
to look me in the face
and tell me
you love me,
even if it's fake
because i don't *******
care about you
or anything or
anyone.
even though i really do.
all of them are welled into
the bottom of me,
rolled up and curled
into tiny knots
of blackened rope
wet and slimy from the
earth's digestion.
i want you to love me
i really do.
but i'll act like i don't
because that's all i can do
all i can hope for right now.
loneliness is here.

i finally deleted that
picture of myself
in a wedding dress.
it's been three years
since it was bought for
me and i only wore
it once in that dressing
room but i still had
the photos
of me so happy
that i had found
"the one"
i thought i had
found "the one"
and now, three years
later i am alone
and i want to cry
for the memory of that
moment of joy is so
fleeting and so
cold in the back
of my mind.
three years of stale
memories washed up
in the blinking eyes
tears falling from my
cheeks, dreams leaking
under the door of
closed possibility.

will i ever love again?

i was screaming
in my car the other day
right after i had an interview
for a job that could change my life

i was screaming
because i was ripping apart
this shroud
of falseness
and fear
of comfort that isn't real
of a life that has been
secretly empty for the past year
unknowingly killing myself
and yet deeply knowing.

realizing
how sacred and valuable i am
the universe sitting inside
waiting to be released
energy pent up
waiting to be set free

hateful i have been
unkind to myself
setting myself up for failure
by falling into the same traps
over
and
over
again
drowning myself, my heart, my spirit.
dead inside.
thinking about suicide
thinking about a world without me
my responsibilities done

but enough is enough.
i grip my own shoulders
shake myself
"hello!"
"wake up!"
"are you ok?!"

yes. here i am.
I'm ok.

I'm ok. Oh. I'm ok.

Reborn.

wipe your makeup away
look at yourself in the mirror
what do you see behind
those circled eyes, black and
blue, colors of the sky
day and night -- you have
become the earth and you
embody all in it. you.
you have endured some
pain that not many people
have and yet you stand there
wiping away the mascara
wiping away the stain from
the act that punctured your
psyche and your flesh.
unwanted, unneeded, undeserved.
you decide your fate from here.
will you choose to let it mark you
or will you allow it to be wiped
off, taking the memory, the feeling
the death it caused inside you
and throw it into the abyss
of what will never be again
because you will come back
a thousand times stronger
than you ever were before.

She is naked
She is honest
But her honesty
Is getting her
Into trouble
Too honest
Too quick to judge
She is the main character
The villain
And the hero too
All together in a package
Wrapped up with a nice bow
And ribbon of azure
Thinking and twinkling
Hoping maybe
A call will be recognized
And she will be finally
In control

if this life is not permanent
if nothing in this life is
real or worth much
why would i waste my time
chasing objects and mile markers
when in our lives
all that matter is how we feel
our emotion and our sensitivities
to each other and to ourselves
our own inner voices, (or are they really inside?)
screaming and singing to be heard.
ripping open our own hearts
and eyes to see what is really
under the masks of our own making.
why chase those masks that we wear
why not grip the feelings of love
and faithful compassion from the universe
or from our own inner gods and goddesses
why not reach out and grasp that
golden thread that we so desperately
search the world for
it's right there in front of our gaping
mouths.
waiting to be touched and embodied.
this is why we should chase our heart
for in this world
it is the only thing with sheer permanence.