I miss feeling alive
Everything had a purpose back then

There was music in my heart
I want the melodies back
I want the harmonies inside my head
But alas the record that once played
Each sweet melody is broken
And I am left alone with my thoughts

My thoughts are a prison
Or a labyrinth
Either way I feel like im stuck there
The only time the feeling fades
Is when the sun comes out
And there is work to be done

I force myself out of bed evey morning
And I try to smile and make everyone -happy
But on the inside I’m dying

Im hiding in a facade of happiness
Crying behind a cracked smile
And watching as life passes me by

I miss the smell of dew covered roses
And the warmth of the sun on my face
I miss the quiet moments I used to have
Now thoughts of dark gray cloud any -sunshine

I want to exist
Because existing is way more easy
Than living
Especially when you’re not living your - truth

Rays of moon light touch her light skin
The shinning beams grasp on to her
Holding her
Trapping her
Comforting her

She relaxes against the light and watches the night sky sprout stars from its deep abyss of darkness

Sparkles of hope
reflect in her hungry eyes
She prays for a chance and she fights for her life
Holding on to the hope
That has kept her alive
That has pushed her forward

Rays of moonlight touch her skin
The shinning beams grasp on to her Giving her life
Giving her purpose
Giving her love

Rays of moonlight
Shinning beams of light
Guide her to heaven
Where she can be at home again

He stares at me
Yet he avoids me
I wonder if he's toying with me

He hides himself from me
I think he's afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve
I want to break down the walls he built  

He tells me that I'm changing
And that he doesn't like it

He doesn't know that when he says things like that he makes my skin jump from my bones

I think I love him
But the way my body rejects him
I'm unsure

I think I want to love him
But he won't let me
so I'm stuck in a perpetual state of longing

its like when I finally move on from him
he slithers his way into my conscious
and makes himself at home
the worst part is I can't make him leave
I want him to stay because he feels like home

With him my heart dies
and my body shuts down

He says he loves me
And I go back every **** time.

I realized
That when the sun sets
My heart beats a little louder

The air flowing through my chest becomes compressed
And the blood running through my veins comes to a halt

The night cues my brain to start thinking
And my heart to stand still
And my feet to stay planted

Trees grow from the ground
And bind me
The words written in their roots
Reflect the inaudible truth of my life

The truth

The truth is I'm tired of living life alone
I'm tired of ruining a moment with my tongue
I'm tired of breathing in stale air
I'm tired of watching life pass me by

I'm tired of not knowing who I am

I'm too tired to figure it out

The truth is
Everything beautiful ceases to exist
When you're too **** tired to see it

Here I am again
Alone in the stillness of night
A group of Fluorescent bulbs light the pavement below me
I feel the clawing urge to run in my bones

The dimly lit town seems to be a reflection of my existence
And perhaps maybe not even a reflection
But a bad omen foreshadowing what’s to come

I stand there alone
Watching as the darkness wisps around me
Latching onto my body with cold hands
Whispering promises of release from a cold and cruel world that knows all of my weaknesses

I'm ready to die
Death is ready to take me

Glass tears cut open my cheeks
When he kissed my forehead and told me goodbye

I was lost in a moment of hesitation
When He pressed his face against my back
and exhaled
In that moment
I felt the warmth of his soul
Encroach on my back like a slow mist enveloping me

He spoke softly
But his words were loud enough to resonate within my chest and trigger my tear ducts in a way that made them explode from the pressure of loving him too much

He said it wasn't over
But the way the moon spread it's silver light over us made me feel like I was being laid to rest

The low humming of love
Ceased to exist
And my chest went hollow
In the silence
In the absence of love
In the void of empty promises
My head was filled with thoughts of love, lust, and anger

You tore me apart like fabric and expected me to sew myself together
Well I don't know how to sew
And I've ran out of thread and patience to keep trying

I'm here but I'm not alive

Even when I don't want to be. I'm still here. I guess what I'm trying to say is I haven't given up completely. There are still parts of me that are whole. There are still things that I love about this earth. I'm not ready to lose it all. I am tired, but I haven't lost my hope. If I can hold onto the good my life will correct itself again.

shall I take each breath and spin it into gold
Or will you only notice me when I'm old
your eye always catches on the fragile girl
who seeks nothing and waits her turn to speak
but I was not raised with rubies nor pearls
so why is it I who you say is weak?
for if  I would have known that love would hurt like this
I would have never given you my first kiss
I would have slammed the door in your face
then be left with my own regression
all I wanted was your embrace
I would have waited my turn to fall into succession
For love can only happen when it is mutual
and I have been far to brutal
In my attempts to catch your eye
I have burned myself down to the wire
I have been bold in my attempts to lie
that the thing I am now left with is desire
to hold and kiss you and make you see
that it was always you that was dear to me

I was born
In the month of spring

I've always admired the finer things in life
The touch of silk on my body
And the feeling of soft flower petals
The quiet moments in the midst of a storm
The smell of rain

I was born
In the month of spring

There is a steady beating in my chest
My heart has a unique rhythm
And my soul sings
But my mouth is sewn shut
My voice was taken from me
It took me a long time to get it back
When a man says that he loves you
He can take your voice

I was born
In the month of spring

As a child I mocked the flowers in my grandmother's house
They were stuck in pots
While I was free
But freedom comes at a cost
The flowers had stability
While I was taken from home to home
When I was a child I learned to respect the flowers in my grandmother's house

I was born
In the month of spring

Yet

I was buried
In the winter

You taught me that love is unpredictable. It's scary to think that my heart fell the second I laid my eyes on you. Love is unreasonable. One minute you're thinking about real-world problems then the next you're wondering how their hands would feel placed in yours. You go from worrying about life to wondering how their lips might taste. Love is blinding. It's unreasonable. It's challenging. I fell in love with you. I fell hard for you. I stay up late at night grasping a pillow and holding it close to my chest hoping that when I wake up you'll be there. I know this sounds obsessive but I promise I'm not being unreasonable. My heart chose you, and I've been left with the responsibility of letting you go.  It hurts. You taught me that love was fragile. It can come very quickly and fade away just as fast. It can either linger for years or fade away in months. My heart still beats for you even when yours chases another.

Sometimes I feel like we lose ourselves in the madness of life. We hold things in and are scared of being vulnerable with one another. I feel like humanity is so desensitized to emotion. We claim to feel things but often our feelings are just fabrications of what we want to feel. I think this is why love is a concept thats foreign to me. I've said "I love you" so many times but I don't think I've ever really meant it. I'm so desensitized to the word that my heart feels grainy and saturated in false ideas.

The thing is you have cleared the fog of lies that crowded my heart. I feel electric when you're near me. That's dangerous for Me. I'm not used to feeling such intense and real emotion. I'm used to going through life on a generic understanding of feeling. Something about the way you say my name makes my stomach jump and my heart speed up. You're causing physical changes my body is reacting to you. You caused my soul to wake up and seek you out. I'm beginning to see things my quality of life is improving. I want change I want to break out of the conformity that society has placed me in. It's all because you reached out your hand and saved me from drowning in my own fabrications of love. Thank you for showing me what true love is. Thank you for showing me that love still exists.

I miss being in love with you
the electricity we once had ceases to exist
you feel different now
pieces of you have been torn away
and locked in a space where I cant find them

i'm reaching out in cloud of mist that your tears have created
i'm aimlessly grasping at the old memories we shared
fighting the cool beads of moisture that sting my eyes
you put up your defenses
you made yourself distant

people say that if you truly love someone distance doesn't matter.
but when that person is emotionally absent
and has placed themselves in the hands
of those that fabricate the idea of being whole
you have no choice but to say goodbye.

I want you near me
I want you to tell me that you care
but you're so numb to emotion
that i'm just collateral damage
and you're to invested in the darkness
to see my light

I am under construction
A work in progress
A human being

I'm content
I know what I want
I know who I am

I'm scared
I won't be loved
I've never been loved

I'm worried
That I look sad
That I speak too much

I'm anxious
I know they talk about me
I don't know what they say

I'm breathing
I fill my lungs
I let the air enter me

I'm busy
Overworked
Too tired to function

I'm fine
I need a hand
Someone talk to me

I'm ready to go now
This place is too much for me
I feel like My chest is being squeezed

I need to sleep
I don't want to wake up
I love not feeling

I love you
Please don't leave me
I can't handle abandonment

I feel okay
My stomach hurts
I didn't sleep last night

I'm done
I can't anymore
I'm too tired

I look homeless
No place feels like home
I am homeless

I hate you
You saved my life
You kept me safe

Thank you
Please hold me for 5 more minutes
I really don't want to be alone

My tear drops stain my pillow
The stains are time capsules
They hold each moment of sadness
And all the words I couldn't say

When I'm sad I lay in my bed
I daydream of a different life
I often see a house
A small one with a fenced in yard
And a garden filled with beautiful pale pastel tulips
The house holds all my dreams
It holds everything I've ever wanted
The worst part about my daydreams is that I can't find the key to the house
But I love imagining whats in there

My tear drops stain my pillow
When I see the stains
They remind me that im a survivor
They remind me that I survived the hurtful memory those stains were tied to

The stains will eventually fade
Just like the hurt

Love is underestimated
Love is complex
Love is misunderstood

Love can hurt
The pain is crushing
Love causes dizzy spells and long nights with strong cups of coffee to follow
Love causes baggy eyes and long drives
Love makes your knees weak
Love forces you to smile when you don't want to
Love makes your head hurt and your lips buzz from excitement
Love is a shapeshifter
Love mends the gaps you never knew you needed filled

when they defined love as an intense feeling of deep affection
they neglected to acknowledge
the intense feeling of dread that can come with it

Love takes root in your pain
Love lets itself grow from the moisture of your tears.
Your heart becomes tender
your feelings are magnified

Even in the absence of those
whom you shared a deep connection with
Love still lingers in you

Love strengthens the body, soul, and mind.
it can be hard to love when the pain is so prevalent
but the pain will subside

Love will take your broken pieces
Love will work its way around you
Love will envelop you
Love will close you in
and form unbreakable bonds that guide you in times of uncertainty

Love hurts
Love heals
Love guides

its hard to feel something for you
when I know we aren't compatible
you keep to yourself
I am constantly breaking out of my shell
you like the stillness of a calm night
I like the wild lights the city shines on my skin
I want you to love the things I love

I can't change you
and
I won't change myself for you

Then you hold my hand
and the world melts away
the stinging pain of longing cuts my throat
It drys out my tounge
I love you
you love me

but we can't be together

Ive felt cold before
smooth and soft like silk on a bed of crushed roses
wrapped in blue velvet
patterned like flowers in a garden that never grows
cool to the touch
showered in tears
memories buried with it
Ive felt cold too many times
it sticks and stings like sandburs to the bottom of my feet
relentless and overbearing sounding and ringing like alarms
I want to wake but I feel trapped in a dream
I feel cold
but at least I'm feeling something
numbness takes and claims my body periodically
like an abusive lover whom I take back to lay in my bed each night
wrapping me in waves of grief and swallowing me whole
Im grasping on to anything that will help me feel
but each time I reach out I feel cold
it creeps up on me and consumes me
I've felt cold ever since I lost you

I remember the moment
I first fell in love with you
It was dark
A soft blue light was glowing
you hugged me and
In that moment
I felt electricity rip through my body