From a young age, I always felt stifled
I wasn’t allowed to be me so I was muffled

Mother insisted at my school I be held back in first grade
Principal said no, she insisted and in her hands he played

She said I'd be better off ******* because someone could do something with me then
Because the way I was, I was unable to learn, refused directions again and again

Mother said I came from a loving caring family that I treated terrible
I just don't know how to appreciate, and made others lives unbearable.

Being me was really not acceptable
So I always felt quite skeptical

Everything I did, wanted to do, said or liked
Was considered bad, wrong, sinful and disliked

My having fun was not allowed
For I’d embarrass them in a crowd

I never knew what I was allowed to do
Because of that I never really had a clue

Never knowing what to do, say or how to act
Since all my actions against me were attacked

My mother said one thing to me and did another
I knew she favored others over me so why did I bother?

My entire life has been quite a farce
Attention I wanted from her were sparse

Always pretending to be such an outstanding mother
To impress the friends and family she shouldn’t bother

Mother said I couldn't work because I can’t get along with anybody
Making me dependent on her in every way, she said I was shoddy.

While mother was pretending to me that she really loved me
She was going around bashing me to any family she’d see

I’d complain that other family members treated me bad
She said all you  do is cause trouble and make me mad

If you could just grow up and learn to behave
Then everyone would be nice and about you rave

I trusted my mother when she said I was born bad, told her I  see
She asked the doctor for help but said nothing was wrong with me.

Mother spoke with fork tongue;  sold me out, lied to me constantly
Leaving me to wonder how to survive without her cautiously

I'm afraid to have fun, I'm always afraid someone will be cranky
When I did things I'd pay for it because mom would be very angry

Afraid to be me, don't know how to act, who I am, or what to do.
Today I feel the same and for that reason I will always be blue

At the age of almost 60 I'm finding out things were never my fault
I'd like to take all those bad feelings, and lock them in a vault

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I'm alive though all the years of abuse, but I've not been able to truly "LIVE" because my head is full of fog, confused and don't know who I am. Suffering from anxiety and depression. I live in a prison, in my mind.

I look out the window from above and see others conversing with neighbors, thinking why can't I be more outgoing? Why can't I let loose?

These walls I've built around me are like a chain around my neck as a dog has around their neck and can only go so far in any direction.

The harmful words from my narcissistic mother for many years has destroyed who I could have been, what I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go.

Those words don't go away, they never die, and are embedded deep in every fiber of my being. Those words are who I am, what I do and where I go.

Thats my life every day, every second, every minute, every hour.

Copyright 2016
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She's such a loser because she hasn't  worked for  many years
Her PTSD from years of abuse has caused her many tears

The family turned their backs on her  because she was different
She  used to go out with boys and do drugs and she's insignificant

Far from perfect she'll admit, but lack of guidance is how you would describe her
It’s been the same for years; people tell her to get over it and be happy

A bad temper rude and bluntness is all she knows
Never had anyone to teach her or show

She never wanted her life to be this way,
People don’t like her and shy away

She's almost sixty and still a burden to society
Others  she wants to know that this causes her anxiety

No family to visit her,  she keeps to herself and stays inside
In her tiny apartment near the train tracks where she still resides.

Her parents, both narcissistic always like things in their favor
But all the abuse and neglect for years is all they ever gave her

Its coming down in sheets, or in buckets.
Like Niagra Falls it doesn't seem to
want to stop.
Splat, Splat Splat when it hits the ground because
it's coming down so quickly and fierce.
Taking a break you can hear the rain slowing
down to a slow pace, and then a trickle.

Here it comes again fast and fierce.
Like there is no end.

Not a sound now, not even the
birds are making a noise.

I am hearing thunder in the distance
but still no rain can I hear.

The rain comes again, only not
so rapid it's a constant shower
only not as heavy as before.
I can still hear the splat splat splat
as the rain hits its target.

It's not done with us yet as
the radar shows a huge
mass over our city.

It's just another rainy, wet,
steamy hot day, the rain has
done little to cool things
off, even in late July.

The rain has unleashed another
heavy downpour, I hear echoes
of thunder in the distance.

Sounds like the roar of a train in the
distance.
If April showers
bring May flowers, what does
July floods bring in August?

The rain is very heavy again I can hear big
drops on the roof and some are hitting the window
with such force.It's not hail, it's just massive rain drops
falling from the sky, leaving puddles in the grass from
the constant falling downpour.

I hear drips hitting the ceiling coming
from the roof, soon it will be coming through
the ceiling, but we will have to see during
the next heavy downpour.

The rain is moving out
the clouds are rolling back
the sun is peaking through
I can hear the birds once again.




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Dark and Stormy
Sitting on my grandparent's porch in a swing, I see the pretty blue sky and the puffy clouds are mixing with gray, making it slate blue, and I begin to see the trees slowly sway
I hear the pounding of thunder, sounds like it's echoing through a steel tube and then I see a streak of blue lightening flash across the sky.
The rain starts coming down in buckets and hits the Tin roof making it sound like marbles are being tossed all about, and overflowing the gut are making deep puddles in the mud.

The sun is surrounded by puffy clouds
Wind is blowing leaves around
I smell rain in the air and feel
Tiny drops hit my skin
The rain falls slowly
and the wind picks up
and the rain is now heavy
with rumbles of thunder in the
distance.
The heavy rain smacks the leaves as
it's hurled to the ground.
It's falling fast and the water
plummets into pools of muddy
water making a splash that
smacks the ground.
Rain on the tin roof sounds like
pebbles hitting the metal.
The rain slows down and you
can hear the cars passing by
hitting the water that splashes their
windshields.

(Still working on)

You're never to old to believe, and never too old to be happy.
It's the little things in life that are mostly free that mean so much.

You don't have to be rich, don't have to live a certain place
and a high income is not necessary.

You just have to believe, believe is hope, hope is promise
that your heart will be happy.
I've never been so happy as to when I can come/stay home.


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