It doesn't need to be a big reason,
Or a sensible one. All it has to be
Is a good enough reason
For you to maintain your life.

I live for my family, for my friends;
It is difficult sometimes though,
To remember this reason.
But it is always there.

It draws me back into life,
Into breathing and laughing
And hurting and crying
And feeling something akin to *alive.

I much prefer studying chemistry
With you.

**** everything that moves and breathes and crawls under this sky,*
But pity those who don't understand what it is to live.

it's like you've made yourself a house
out of my heart,
and it took so long, too long
for it to become your home.

I am tired of putting so much care
Into the words I choose for you,
Because of you,
It just doesn't mean that much to you.

I am breathing leaves.
Autumn travels through my lungs,
Swirling, storming around my rib cage.
Everything is dying around me,
Within me and I can't make it

**Stop.

The wolves are gathering.
Run.

My head burns;
My heart yearns,
For someone to hold me
And tell me
That it's okay to cry.

Crack open a book,
Crack open a door,
Crack open your mind
To find out the terrors in store

I see you die each night.
I don't want to feel better.
I want to see you safe.
I can live with not seeing you Happy,
**But god, I can't stand being awake
And not knowing you are too.

Too much grinning,
Now my face hurts.

Thrumming through my mind,
Is the idea that no matter what happens,
Life will hurt and I will bleed;
Rivers of blood and salt water
Shall run from my body until the day I die.

What is the mind
If not the thresh-hold
To another, more beautiful
Universe?

noose**
My chest deflated after the breath I drew;
My last breath.
The rope pulls tight about my neck;
The unbruised skin.
Red from the blush of humiliation
Which everyone sees.
It turns to blue as my body cools
On the table.
The people who care have said their
Goodbyes to me.
And the peace I've found will last.
It has to.

You want to hurt them.
You want to please them.

You want them to beg.
You want them to take you over.

To cloud your senses.
To open your eyes.

You want the power of letting go.

I cannot describe the quiet in my head when you speak to me.
******, my neck lilts to the side just a little. My ears move towards the sound: the rumble, the promise of soft vibration that I just know will settle the buzzing under my skin.
     My lips part, sometimes in the faintest of smiles; as though the taste of your voice could be pressed to my mouth like a kiss. I ache with the need to feel how you form your words. I ache to feel the movement of your mouth while you whisper and mutter, giggle and moan. I do not care where, I just know I have to feel this.

Do your hands move with the same grace as your voice? Will your body grant me the same stillness as your words?

When you hold me, Darling Boy, will your arms gift me the same safety that your voice gives my mind?

The last slice of cake being offered to you
Your best friend laughing hysterically
The first kiss after years of unrequited love
The second, the third, the 50th
A promise being kept
Or a hug being given when you need it most

when we arrive
we don't need a welcome
we don't want a meal
we don't have a gift
we bring ourselves
and you bring yours

when you meet us
you don't need a fuss
you don't want a party
you don't have an expectation
you bring yourselves
and we bring ours

for while we want and need and have,
when I see you and you me,
I hope.

The pain has been caused
The words have been spat
Like the venom of a scared snake,
I only said those things because I was scared

I would rather have shouted at a stranger
and been locked up in irons.
Instead I said said them to you and my cell
Is a padded four wall room in the centre of my mind

Its where I've put these worthless words,
That they might bounce around forever,

Because they hurt you,
Because I hurt you,
**And I can't take it back.

I cant.

Please be okay.

Hell will find us
Asleep on our beds
While we dream
Of the life we're losing

I am bound and gagged
By my love for you but I
Wouldn't leave if I could.

Wanting to be close, and so far away
All at once
Is how we end up with glazed eyes
And forgotten conversations.

We are able to be both close and
So, so far away
From the things we love and hate
But it turns us into a broken glass,
Running from our own shards.

I feel like I tried to swallow the word wrong,
But it got stuck in my throat.

The sun is setting and falling and crumbling,
For you.
But you are a part of the sky,
You may fall, on this night,
Your colours will wither
And we will lose a part of you
But in the morning you will become new,
The light I find in you will rise.
We will have you in full colour,
As vibrant as the sun streaked sky,
And it will be okay.
Some day.

"lust."

My love for you echoes
Off the walls of my room
Where I have dreamed
Of you and have cried
For the things that
Will never be real
But those dreams
Give me hope
So I don't
Mind.


*Much.

I am tired of wanting to be happy
But not being allowed.

Bodies decay, and are born,
Ever second of every day.
So why do we hold onto
The same bodies, the same names?

My grandparents are going to die,
Before my little sister goes to uni,
Before I get married (if it happens),
Before any of us have children,

Before I am able to accept it.

A shudder is drawn from my skin
As the darkness holds out a hand.
I rise from my bed, start swirling instead
To the music of dreams as I'm lead
Round the room by the nothing
That claws at my mind, at my head.
I grin at the darkness, it knows,
it knows
That I'm dancing the dance of the dead.

a bit not good.

Hell is not a place I wish to visit,
and yet I find myself surrounded by demons.