i wrote this and dedicate this for my first love. i miss you. i'm sorry, i'll never be as good as her and i'll never be as pretty as her.*

i once loved a boy
who never (really) loved me back.

he was the one
who i thought i could spend
the rest of my life with.

he was the one
who i thought he could be
my first and my last.

but then this girl
who i called
a  m o n s t e r.
the scariest monster
she came and
she took him away.

she turned him
into someone i didn't know
she changed him
into the worst person
i've ever known
but mainly
she was the reason
why my first love gave up on me.

it was 8 a.m
           tuesday
           21st of may 2013
the sun shone so bright that morning
i got a call
it was from him
he said
he didn't love me
anymore

the worst part
from the call was
he wanted a break-up
    i said no
    i wanted him to stay
    he was the reason why i was happy
    he was the reason why i stayed strong
    he was the reason why i believed in love
    he was my  e v e r y t h i n g.
he said
i'm sorry i can't

i hung up the phone
i cried
i c ried
i c r ied
i c r i ed
i c r i e d
i  c r i e d

on that day
at 3 p.m
i texted him
the last thing
i wanted to do with him
we met
we laughed
we ate lunch
we small-talked
we were holding hands

i even forgot
about the break-up
i kept falling for him
a little bit more.

i hugged him
and
he said
    *i'm sorry, i think you and me
    we can't be together anymore
    you deserve someone better
    i'm not good enough for you
    i'm sorry

it was
the worst day of my life
the first and the worst
heartbreak in my life
e v e r.

01.10.11
until
21.05.13
598 days
of
me
and
him.

and i think that
the words
  the first rush of love
  always holds a special place
  in our hearts.
  the novelty of the feeling
  like the first drops of dew
  on an untouched leaf
  makes it special and unforgettable.
are true.

however,
my mother told me
to move on
to not linger in the past
but cherish its events
for you will never
get them back.

n.e

you are birdsong
you are moonlight
you are white snow
you are rippling cornstalks
you are rolling hills
you are the sun setting behind the mountains
you are morning air, and dew
you are a ripple in a quiet lake
you are refracted light in a flowing stream
you are a bed of lilacs warmed by the sun

you are beauty
beauty is you

the funny thing about time
is the way it grinds your bones to dust
while they’re still sitting in your flesh

we can all feel it,
we pretend we don’t, but we do

you feel it when you wake up in the morning
having dreamt of your childhood
and the sound of your sister’s laughter is still ringing in your ears

you feel it when you look up from a book
and its not your brother sitting in the chair next to you
but a strange fellow with a deep voice
and a nose that looks remarkably familiar

and strongest of all, you feel it when at the dinner table
your mother asks you what you’ve been up to for the past 18 years

see, the funny thing about time
is the way it grinds your bones to dust
while they’re still sitting in your flesh

just the other night, I pressed my palms together
and I called on a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile,
to ask where he’d been

he told me he’d been spending time with my father
because the man really needed some company
without his oldest son to talk to

oh and while I have you, he said,
your mother called
she told me to tell you
that your bed is made, if you ever want to come home

in a town in which I've never been
you light a cigarette and try to smoke me out of your mind
while I sit here, my ashtray filled with pencil stubs
from trying to write my arms around you

I haven't slept since you left
I've spent my nights searching for the sun
for if I found it, I'd climb right on top
so I could be with you in the morning

but my mornings remain rivers after a storm
memories flowing by like debris
I can't reach them without falling in
so I stand and watch them go

its the watching I can't stand
watching your hand slip from mine
watching the wrong time
convince us that we can't be together

I feel helpless, hopeless
these days hold me prisoner
the hurt trying to torture remorse from my lips
but I will never regret the days I spent with you

when I was with you
you looked at me like there was no past or future, only now
you listened to me like I was Buddha preaching the Eightfold Path
you spoke to me like I was memorizing your every word, cause I was

you hugged me
you held me
you kissed me
like I’m a boy you had a crush on became I’m a boy who loves you

but here I’m a boy who misses you

as the wind blew us together,
the rain shall sweep us away
and come fall we’ll be leaves of different colors

i just want to tell you
that for how forcefully my gut protests at the thought of letting you go
I cannot hear its cries when I think of the time I spent with you

you took my heart in your hands, you broke it in and stretched it out,
and then you gave it back
here, you said,
it is ready