my head is heavy.
my head is heavy.
my eyelashes are teensy weights
drawing me down, closing the day
but there is work to be done
even when my eyes are blurry with tired tears
and i am relying solely on my fingertips
to find the right keys to press.
(i wish there was a key to turn off my headache)
i doubt i'll get my work done.
i do that a lot.
doubt myself, not get my work done.
i always think that my future is set in stone and i'll be settled
but i really have no idea what to do
because of all this assuming- my grades will be fine, my test scores will be high.
but what if it's not, and what if i end up being a UPS driver or something?
i don't understand how everyone else is so easily ambitious
and they do all their work
and yeah they might complain about a bad test grade
but they're like robots.
they achieve, they do this and that, they volunteer and they're on student council,
they have enough money and they might not even be certain on what their future entails
but they'll be fine and i know it but i do not know as for myself.
and it drives me absolutely insane.
how?
How?

You're going to be running for a long time.
Your eyes are on the finish line, your eyes are pointed towards-
What was that? Happiness?
No, that's not what you're chasing.
You want to be better than them, but that's not being happy
Because, and I'm sure you know,
It's all
A
Competition.
You run and you run and you fall and you get back up
To beat them, of course. To show that you can go further
You can push yourself to do whatever they're doing
(Your friends, your enemies, what's the difference anyways?)
But a thousand times better.
Better yet, make that a million.
What you don't understand though, is that the tables have turned
And now it's a race to see-
Who's sadder? Who's suffering more?
Nobody pays attention to what you feel, you think to yourself.
You have to show them. You have to fight.
Show them you're hurt or make something up!
As long as the attention is on you!
Are you happy? No.
Are you successfully taking advantage of others' pity?
You're **** right.
But it's all a race, a fight, a competition, a
Pile of crap, that's what it is.
You won't get anywhere pushing yourself to be more ******* up
You think you're outside of the box and unique because you have feelings.
You're just like everyone else, you don't even try to be happy.
Have fun fitting in with those who bury themselves alive.
It's not a game.

I am God.
And not because I am above it all,
but because I am above myself.
I am above my arm
and my leg
and my thoughts
and my words.

I do not believe in God.
But I believe in Myself.
I am ultimately beautiful
with my stardust arms
and my stardust legs
and my stardust thoughts
and my stardust words.

Humanity is God.
We dictate and we consume
all of Earth’s wonders
and we make them our own.
We create, We create
such joy and such hatred
with just our arms
and our legs
and our thoughts
and our words.

Turn your eyes from the devil
And turn your eyes toward me.
Listen- don’t simply hear.
You can’t look- you have to see.

Life is far too short
And Life is far too long
You are a concerto, my dear-
Not merely a song.

Make note of the cymbals
And make note of the key
Close your eyes to embrace the nature
Of sweet, deep sensuality.

Those hands don’t fumble
And those hands don’t tread
On the path of harmony
Which humanity is led.

Through waves of emotion
And through waves of grace
Those hands wade deep in the waters
Where your true Beauty is laced.

her blanket kept getting tangled in between her legs and she couldn't get it right she couldn't get anything right. she drops her books one day and cries over what seems like nothing but is actually a big deal to her because it's a load of things, little things, that add up and up and up until nothing is right nothing is ever right or even okay. even 'okay' would be better than 'bad', than 'wrong'... she does her makeup perfectly but of course there's a zit. she cant thread the needle or she can't keep the camera still or she can't draw the lips right or she can't get a hold of herself and stop ******* up, but really it's not anything unusual she tells herself. everyone always says that no person is perfect or unflawed but then why does it always seem that way? why? why can't simple things work out ? nothing works !? nothing is okay, the air is slightly too stuffy and the bagel shop messed up her order. the bagel shop didn't mess up her friend's order. she lost her ten dollars and even though someone else offered to pay, she couldn't help but let that occurrence add up and up and up into that big pile of mumbo jumbo that is her misfortune. her thoughts are so muddy. they're so collective and her mind is so full of **** that she's just lost focus. her eyes are glazed and her hearing is muddled now because shes just so ******* tired of life never working ever . never working, always adding up, her big problems are worse and shes just so tired because nothing works life never works her brain  never works

sure, she could hear the wind outside her window,
but she listened to her intrusive thoughts
listened to her mind race then stop still-
as the last one dropped from the bottle.

her hands full of little remedies disguised as pills
she holds bliss, only it wears the mask of death.
this girl is on the brink of the end
when she remembers what she read once-

"you are not alone"

hesitation floods through her veins and she hears
the heartbeats
of many who lie awake at four in the morning
thinking the same thing she is right now-

depression, anxiety, destruction
intertwining, weaving together
broken hearts and withered brains
who all think they are alone...

you are not alone.

do you ever have those times-
a few days, maybe ? a couple weeks ?
where the stars in your mind are unaligned
and nothing seems right?

i've got blackheads on my nose
and black spots on my brain
and black holes in my heart
and nothing is right

it should pass
it always passes in like, a week.
but until then i just feel like orion without his bow
just kind of lost

i don't know what to do because
he asked me why i was sad today and it was a bit funny
i just stared off for a minute before responding.
a shrug. i dunno.. stress? no.

stress makes me pick at my nails and have migraines
but this is just... a dread
nothing matters and it never will
and same goes for us.

i ******* hate philosophy.