I had never known beauty until I saw him, lying there ******* tangled in my sheets. his lips were slightly parted and his eyes closed in sleep. the morning light began to creep it's way into the quiet room and lightly touched his bare chest. his hair was was undone and unruly and he was beautiful. I think of this when I lie alone in my cold room thinking of where you lay now. I think of the soft hum that resonated in your chest as you slept and how it comforted me once. I think of the way I'd wake you up with a small peck on the lips and how you'd kiss me back, not even opening an eye. I think of the way your eyes were then, foggy in sleep yet the way they smiled down at me made me feel as though that me, in all of my bare vulnerability was something beautiful too.

i detest the notion that you must love yourself before you can have someone else love you, as ideal as that may be it’s easier said than done. there is nothing wrong falling in love with someone while learning to love yourself in the process. he taught me how to love myself, he showed me that i was beautiful and i was worthy of a love like his, i deserve to be happy. he taught me that i have a kind forgiving heart and i’m not quite as damaged as i believed, although i’m convinced he’s cured me. his love showed me that everything i deemed imperfect about my form was stunning and with every kiss he pressed to my body i believed him more and more. months have dripped by and falling for him was easy, it was like going home and along the way i found myself and she is beautiful and worthy. i have found god again and i have blossomed. i am whole and always have been.

and for a second i remembered why i fell in love with you all those years ago
it wasn’t just the laugh or the way your eyes lingered for a half a second too long but the way you made me feel in your presence,
like there was nothing else in the world that could draw your attention from my words.
but then i remembered, the temper, the walls, the vast insecurities that strangled you at night, and i remembered why i moved on,
you could never love me the way you loved being lost and i knew
i could never find you.

i see it in your face now and i know it wasn’t me.
i know that we will never go back to how it was
she is there to heal your wounds,
i need to let you go.
im apart of a part of a life you need to forget,
move on from this place, that house, the people, the torment
you will never heal if you don’t
you need to let me go.
i loved you
but someone else found you
you need to let her in

i think i could love him one day,
if i let myself.
i won’t though.
i will keep him at an arms distance
close enough to feel his presence but not close enough to touch.
i think he would love me in the way i always dreamed.
i won’t let it get that far.
i’m selfish.
i see his face and i want to get wrapped up in this feeling
but when i think of us
and really think about it
i cringe.
i feel bad to do this because in a different life maybe we could have been great,
but this is this life and it’s just not meant to be.

Maybe this isn’t supposed to be this hard,
I know no one ever said it was going to be easy but love isn’t supposed to be difficult.
I shouldn’t have to fight my heart over reason,
I shouldn’t have to defend my decisions in my own head.
Loving you shouldn’t hurt,
it was supposed to be seamless,
loving you was supposed to feel like coming home.
But now I find myself circling the block,
finding reasons to go out, because you are not home anymore,
just some stranger that I do not recognize,
you are foreign to me now.
We were supposed to be best friends,
my one true confidant
but over time we began to pull back,
there we some secrets we couldn’t share,
some feelings that were better kept hidden and soon after,
conversations began to fade into meaningless observations about work and weather.
im tired of feeling lonely when were together
I’m tired of feeling defeated.
This wasn’t supposed to be this hard but it is.