I cry my heart out
My clothes drenched
with tears
Tears of regret

I bend and kneel
A weak follower I am
On this praying mat
I closed my eyes
I put my hands together
I am all alone... with you..

I seek your forgiveness
God look at me
I Plead "Forgive Me"
I have sinned, I have sinned...
Captivated with the world
that glitters...
Mesmerized with fatal lust
Drowned in  the darkest dungeons
Full of defeats and lies
I lost...

Forgotten Who I am
Who I belong to
How often I said your name?
I have lost the counts

I say your name again
I bow in shame
Head down...
Regrets are embarrassment...
Only you ...
only you I could turn to...

You are one
There is no other
How could I ignore?
My feelings changed all at once
I only need my Allah...
Only my god in time of despair..
Only my god in time of happiness...
I have found my soul again..

Dear God..
You've touched my heart
The deepest place
used to be empty
I fill it with you..
forever and ever I am yours
Your humble follower
God I love you
I have found myself again...

I cant hold back
I have to attack
This negativity
Inside of me that
Is building a
Beat as it climbs
I cant rewind my
My mind from the
Negative as I testament
I cant deny this feeling
That keeps burning in me
In me
In me
Stay Damaged
Stay Damaged
I got to find
That inner fight
For the light
Or stay Damaged
Stay Damaged
As I free flow this
Time I feel I cant
Break free
Of this Damage
This Damage
The only thing
That can heal my
Heart is the light
That is just
Staring to spark
As I become
Less Damaged
Less Damaged
Cant give up the
Fight for the light
So that others can
Becomes less damaged
We have to help each other
To stay in positivity
Healing each other
In this free flow positive
As we move forward
In life trying to
Heal and create
Less Damage
For the earth
Less Damage
For each other
Less Damage
For ourselves
Less Damage
For our family
Less Damage
Less Damage.

I sit there and know
That I could never
Engage myself in conversations
With these conundrums.

Those who are both human, and
Badly wrapped paper packages,
Filled with so much experience,
Brimming with knowledge which
Is rapidly fleeing through
The holes in the brown paper
Worn by time.

How can I speak to those
Who cannot hear my words in full
So that they must be talked to
Slowly, like
They are children
But that have been through so much
More than I
At the tender age of seventeen
Could even imagine.

How can I speak to these enigmas
Who keep asking me the same questions
But which I cannot talk to
Without being
Disrespectful

Not only towards them
But towards my future
Aged self, who will one day
Be in their position
And who I cannot imagine
Will want to be treated
Like a five year old
At the age of eighty five.

Suddenly,
all the love songs
on the radio
were about him
and then
just as suddenly,
the radio
stopped playing
all those songs
replaced them
with heartbroken ballads
and yet,
they were still about him
he always had to be the center of attention

I never planned to drop out of high school
but I never planned on wanting to **** myself either
so that’s just how it goes

And now I’m in college a year early
and I’m watching everyone around me getting into
serious relationships and having babies
and actually graduating with full scholarships to real universities
and moving in together like real grown people starting real lives

and here I am still missing you
still going to counseling every week
and failing my second semester worse than the first

here I am having to consider if going to a
mental hospital for 6 months is really the only thing ive got left

my mother says when I get out I could really start my life
you know, have real relationships
and not do drugs or have promiscuous ***
but what does she really even know about that

am I about to find out why the caged bird sings?

I turn eighteen in a little over 7 months
and I really don’t want to spend the time leading up to that
having a prescribed time to eat
and take my medication
and when to go to sleep

this isn’t how life is supposed to be

people say it isn’t easy
but killing yourself is seen as cowardly

well, we didn’t even have a choice of whether we wanted life or not
we were just put here because we won the race

so don’t talk to me about cowardice

I'm a wreck, ma
A mess

                                  Alone

and depressed
There are people all around
And there is a smile on my face
But no one heard my cries
No one had seen the pain in my eyes

Everything looks like greyscale
With a twist of red
                                            Red.

It was only on me, ma
My whole body
Was   b r o k e n    and damaged
There were marks everywhere
Small cuts
                             Where the red came from
Does no one still see?

I'm standing on a busy street, ma
Trying to scream
But everyone just walks by
I feel my lungs filling up
      I'm
           d
               r
                  o
                     w
                  n
                i
            n
        g
But everyone around me is breathing

I'm up on a building now, ma
Holding my breath
I'll jump, ma
Do you hear me now?
Are you listening?
Can you understand?
Huh, ma?
I can't hear you.


                          It's too late now, ma
I'm gone.

I'm staring up at the clouds now
People are rushing to my side
Is this all it takes?

"This child must have slipped"
                     No ma'am
I seeked your attention
I wanted someone to listen
I needed your help long ago
And you didn't care

"They were a good friend"
Wait who are you
We've never talked
Suddenly everyone is sad
How come?
Well, ma
I've been sad for a long time
How come you didn't notice earlier?

It's funny when you're not a 'pretty face'
Because then no one cares until you're dead
But then you are pretty
And now everyone cares.

But I'm sorry, ma
You are too late
You should've noticed earlier
Good bye, ma
I'm happier now
                            *Not by your side

I failed a test for the first time in my life.
I failed.
Does the results of one test make me a failure?
I mean, people have failed many times before!
Then why,
does this failure affect me so much?
I try so hard to be perfect.
Not a toe out of line.
Balancing my studies and passion for acting.
I've been able to do it for the past three years!
Why am I crumbling now?
Did perfection leave cracks on the inside that could not be seen?
Was perfection something I used to covered up the imperfections?
I can see them all.
The blemishes,
The flaws.
Makes my skin itch.
It's not perfect.
It's not in order!
It's not the way it should be!
I'm not the way I should be