He likes to sleep on the floor. He says the hollow cement against his stomach feels like home. He likes his beer through a straw and his pills in his nose. I found him for the first time smoking a cheap cigarette outside some run down venue in center city. He had dirt under his nails & dry blood on his thighs when I asked him why. He said "I like to watch the cars pass anxiously by with their windshield wipers on high." He doesn't believe in sidewalks or seatbelts and he swears the only place for him is somewhere deep in Hell. He never looks into my eyes, because he's afraid of the love that overflows them. He has track marks all down his forearms and jail style tattoos all down his calves. We don't go swimming because he knows he'll stay underwater until his gentle airways come to a close. Now I'm sitting outside, smoking a cigarette in the rain. I can feel him passing by with his racing mind on high. I swear he tastes just like loneliness & sin but I'd trade every second of this life just to be stitched into the depths of his filthy skin.

pap
pap
pap

I can't breath
my stomach is bubbling
like hot cheese
on an fresh oven pizza

my legs feel skinny
I want to lean into a wall
the floor looks spinny
the wainscoting is squint

my vision is blurry
because...tears?
Why is there worry
in my middle?

I feel fine,
my mind is sound
this fear isn't mine
what’s it doing here?

What is this panic?
Fight or flight I understand,
but this is plain manic.
I need to go

at top speed
or maybe hide?
Either way, be freed
from this distress.

pap
pap
pap

Push someone over,
human shield that ****
reduce my exposure
to hyperventilation.

Shallow in,
shallow out,
I feel akin
to sprinting Mufasa

Pure distress
acute discomfort,
a proper mental problem. Nonetheless,
it’s strange to foresee the diagnosis.

It’s as if I’m watching
from someone else’s skin
as alligator clamps are botching
holding my physiology in.

A sunburn on my innards,
a paperweight within
you’d think I’d feel pride
for finally having something wrong.

Hypochondria being accurate  
the years of inventing doom,
suddenly isn't aberrant
those fabrications had substance.

Or maybe all these thinks
are symptoms in themselves
after sifting through piles of shrinks,
maybe I can finally get some help.

pap
pap
pap

Look at my pretty framed prescription,
doctor certified, messy handwriting,
this will take some decryption...
don’t worry, take your time,

this pathoreaction won't go away.
I’m told desolation
is a temperament set to stay
until after eighteen simple payments.

I’m inclined to reject treatment
of drugs that fiddle with the mind
I’d rather stay present,
continue inconsistency.

I would like to try narration,
see how many kilometers I can recall.
I can deal with frustration,
so let’s talk about my childhood.

Public transit without destination
sends me on a revere,  
an absence of crippling desperation.
I've found peace before

it was between yellow poles,
in the outside pocket
of a backpack on parole.
It smiled at me quietly.

pap
pap
pap

Apparently, it’s the small things
that help you deal with anxiety.

It's not fair for you to want me back
I am not your puppet
I am not at your beck and call
It's not fair to drop me with no warning to land feet first
Then call me to heel when you're bored
Using the inflection you know will unleash a flood of memories
And the look that leaves me awash
In thoughts of the past tinted by time
We are interconnected by a multitude of strings
Pull a thread and I will unwind
It wasn't fair when your words opened gashes in my skin
Roses grew sharp, wanting thorns that pricked still raw wounds
For months I cowered and flinched
Away from the kindness of others
For I felt too despicable to accept such morsels of sympathy
Unworthy of anything but revulsion from another
Then I built myself back up
Slowly, so gradually, broken pieces of my self respect
Reformed until I was scarred and uneven, but whole
And I should be strong enough to say no
Strong enough to deny you what you denied me all those months ago
But the reason I hate myself
The reason for my confliction
Is after everything you put me through
I so badly want to say yes