I drank a lot of *****.
I don't feel as bad
because it's in a fancy glass
and it looks like wine
           when it's mixed with cranberry juice,
but I drank a lot of *****.

I'm sitting here talking to someone who isn't you thinking of that night in your car.

You glanced over at me gazing at the sky above reuniting with music I had forgotten about.

I wasn't paying much attention, but I still remember your words,

"Happy looks good on you"

We've decided we're waiting.

You shouldn't have given me a time frame because now I'm going to count down the days. These weeks will be spent trying not to think about being with you.

Still,
I can't get those memories out of my head.
Our arms brushing against each other as we browse stores.
Your arm around my waist.
Spending an entire afternoon together wordless.
Your hand on the waistband of my jeans.
The feeling of your moans in my mouth.
One last kiss before we get out of bed.
Your hand grabbing mine as we walk to your car.

We've gone two months without seeing each other. This shouldn't be any different, but it is. Then, we were expecting to see each other.

Now, we have a rough deadline.

You could have left it open-ended, and I would have moved on.

All I have to hold on to is today.
The feeling of you on the opposite end of the couch and how immense the space in between us felt.
The lack of eye contact.
Your loss for words.
Our agreement of terms.
Some light banter.
Me catching your gaze for a few fleeting seconds.
Me trying my hardest to resist the urge to kiss you.
The walk to your car.
Your strong embrace before you got into your car.
Me resisting the urge to turn around
and watch you leave.

I'm afraid.
Afraid of these feelings that are starting to surface.

Whenever I've let them out before,
I've been left with them dragging behind me,
slowly being ripped to pieces.

If they don't exist,
You'll stay around.
I ruin everything by having feelings.

Feelings can't get hurt if they don't exist.
It can't hurt if you feel nothing at all.

If I had a dollar for every time they said no to me,
I could actually afford this ****** education.

"Has anyone ever told you that you couldn't do it?"
Well, no;
not directly.
But they don't need to say it.
I hear it every time they say no.
They've stopped even telling me no.
They simply shut me down waiting for me to find out from some secondary source.
Why should I believe in myself?
It leads nowhere.
What does believing in myself get me besides disappointment?
All it does it give me hope when I have nothing to hope for.
They don't say it out loud;
They leave a paper trail.

Help.
I feel like I can’t breathe. If I move, I will shatter. The world will come crashing down. He brought it all back. I don’t want to remember, but it’s all still here. Why did he have to say that? Am I being followed? The walls are crumbling. I am crumbling. My safety has been compromised. This sanctuary I have built has been tainted. Turn off the lights. That is the only way to hide. Hush. Don’t say a peep or you will never stop talking. Let their shadows slip by as you pull yourself inwards. Why did I let him in? Stupid girl, keep your walls guarded at all costs. The nicest face can have the darkest soul.

Help me.
Can I tell you what happened? Not just today, but years ago? Will you help me or will you leave me there stranded on the rooftop to scream for help? I want to disappear. I wish I could fade into the landscape. My body will turn to dust, and I will float away with the wind. Please don’t leave me here. Stay here with me. Make me feel safe again.

I’m here.
I sit here alone.
I don’t really have words to say.
There is so much and absolutely nothing all at the same time.

I’m here.
I don’t want to feel.
All these feelings rush around inside me, but they aren’t real.
I don’t know what’s real.

I’m here,
And you’re there.
You with your perfect smile and thought out words.
You are always there.
That’s the problem.
You are there,
And I am here.

You are just out of reach.
When I think I’ve finally reached you,
I turn around and see it was just a mirage.
I run into the wall you built.
All I have are these two hands.
With blood and sweat, I tear down the wall
Only to see you placing the last few bricks in the next one.
I’m stuck.
I’m here.


I wish I could fly.
I would soar above the rest.
Nothing would tie me down.
I think of living in the sky. Then,
I look down.
I see the shackle around my ankle.
I have been rising up with the rest,
But I can’t move.
They all pass me by.
I’m stuck floating just below the rooftops as I watch you fly away.
Nothing keeps you here.
I’m here.

I don’t have anything to say.
I can’t hold my grasp.
You slip out of my hands and soar.
You are beautiful.
I cry for no reason.
All I want is for you to be happy.
I’m here for you.

We are similar, you and I.
I’m tethered to the ground.
I fight my hardest, but the shackles are too tight.
As you float away, I see you grasping something tight.
It’s another line,
A mere rope secured to a tree.
You can fly as high as you wish,
But you continue to grasp onto this rope.
Nothing is keeping you here, but yourself.
You hold on to the end and float above me.
You stay there.
I’m here.

It’s hard to look at you.
The sun behind your sky blue eyes blinds me.
You are there, but behind you is a constant reminder.
You are hot as the sun.
I am the cold hard ground.
Many try to dig through me and throw me aside.
I am poked and prodded.
I am manipulated and covered up.
You are too hot to touch.
I am burned when I reach out,
So you are there.
I stay right here.

I’ve stopped trying to leave the ground.
I get into my head that I can fly.
I try only to get surpassed by others.
They cover up the sun,
And I am left in the dark.

I’m here.
It’s lonely here.
People come back, but they don’t stay.
No one is here permanently.
Except for me.
I am cold.
I am hidden.
I live in the shadows only to get a brush of the light.
I see it shimmer through the shades.
It lives wonderfully out there,
But I’m here.

I’m sad because you aren’t here.
I’m sad because you’re supposed to be my friend.
I’m sad because you cancel all our plans.
I’m sad because you don’t talk to me.
I’m sad because you don’t look at me when I’m there.
I’m sad because they all tell me to give up on you.
I’m sad because they tell me I don’t deserve this.
I’m sad because they tell me I can do better.
I’m sad because I can’t let go.
I’m sad because you make me happy.
I’m sad because you aren’t there.
I’m sad because I can’t believe your promises.
I’m sad because I’m left behind.
I’m sad because you make me sad.

A different person, but the same thing.
He's not you, but you aren't either.
It's not his fault;
The disappointment nor the hurt.
The memories aren't his either.

All of this has a hint of you in it,
But that's not you anymore.
At least, I hope not.

The feeling has moved to another person,
And all I want is to see you.

Not once did I say I love you.
Not to them.
Not to you.
Not to myself.

But if it wasn’t love,
How can these feelings linger for so long?
Is it the fact that you were never mine?
Well, not mine in the normal sense.

You were my best friend.

Sometimes,
I think my letter is what made you leave,
But that can’t be true.
You left long before I even wrote the letter.

There were letters before that.
I wrote them late at night
When I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Those letters never met paper.
They all sit on my computer
And in my heart.

The letters that begged you to stay.
I wrote that you should go,
But you would know to stay.

The letters that told you I was lost.
I wrote that I was fine without you,
But you would know I am crumbling.

Maybe it’s because you know me so well.
You know me better than I know myself.

Maybe it’s because not only do you know me,
But I know you
Better than you would ever admit.

Is that why you cut me off?
You don’t want me to know you anymore,
Or do you not want to know me?
Or, maybe,
You already know how much you hurt me,
Without me ever saying a word.

I don’t want to believe it was love,
So I’m never going to say I loved you.
Not to them.
Not to you.
Never to myself.

• The way you laid on the floor and listened to Dvorak “Romance for piano and violin, Op.11” and got lost in the music.
• The way you started to fall asleep watching Grand Budapest Hotel
• The way you grabbed my hand to stop the shaking.
• The way you took care of me when I had a little too much to drink.
• The way you ran back to campus to ensure I would get home safe.
• The way you brought me back when I started to slip.
• The way you kept my gaze as I struggled to keep my eyes open.
• The way you made me never want to look away.
• The way you watched me get lost in the music and the stars.
• The way you wrapped me in your arms that night.
• The way you kissed my forehead.
• The way you pulled the blankets off me in the morning.
• The way you played with my nephew, and I could see the future ahead of you.
• The way you get lost in your own mind.
• The way you talk of the galaxies.
• The way you always know how to respond.
• The way you laid in my bed.
• The way you accept everyone.
• The way you strive to be better.
• The way you talk to me.
• The way you always know what I’m thinking.
• The way you make me wonder.
• The way you melted into my family.
• The way you care about my family.
• The way you care about your family.
• The way you are so selfless.
• The way you want to run.
• The way you want to get out of this town.
• The way you care about everyone.
• The way you try to escape.
• The way you seclude yourself from others.
• The way I feel like I can’t help you.
• The way I sat there with nothing to say as you cried.
• The way I feel when I see you with her.
• The way I struggle to get out of bed.
• The way I can’t focus.
• The way I can forgive you.
• The way I sit wordless with so much to say.
• The way I wish you saw me.

I sit next to them,
but they don’t know I’m here.

I stand in front of them,
but they don’t see me.

I brush against them,
but they don’t feel me.

I shake them with all my strength,
but they stand still.

I scream,
but they don’t hear me.

They are strong, and I am weak.
I am fluid, and they are hard as stone.
I am burning, yet they still freeze my heart.

Nothing can touch them.

They are
Invincible.

I am crumbling.

It’s late
and I can’t get you out
of my mind.

There’s so much to say,
but you don’t want
to hear it.

You tell me to say
what I need,
but you’ve stopped
listening.

What’s the point
if the words just drip out
and fall to the ground?

Why would I let them fall
only to get stepped on
when I can keep them safe
inside my head?

My head is full.
My heart is heavy.

I no longer
lust after you.
Instead,
I lust after
what we used to have.

Your presence
is missing.

You stand there
next to me,
but it feels like
you’re a thousand miles away.
I can’t reach you anymore.

You don’t need me;
I get that.

But, please,
remember that,
sometimes,
I need you.

I want to be your friend again.
I know that I’ve said this already,
But I don’t think you know what I mean.

I want us to be friends.
I want you to be my friend,
Not just me being your friend.

I want to talk to you
And have real conversations.
I want to hang out.
I want to be able to go to you
With **** in my life.

I want us BOTH to be friends.
I can’t just be your friend
When you need me.

I need you to be my friend sometimes too.

It's happening again.
My voice is gone.
My eyes feel too big for my skull.
I open my mouth and all I can manage is a whisper.
My throat is too tight.
I try to push through, but I fall deeper than before.
If I don't try, I can't fail.