i had a dream
it was about you and me
it was about our future
about the places we are going
i always thought i would never find my one
but now that i have you
i promise i wont ever let you go

i love those days
when we cuddle for what seems like hours
when we pull each other close
i love those days
when we are comfortably silent
somehow the space between us never feels awkward
i love those moments
when you grab my hand holding it in yours
like you can sense the anxiety growing in my stomach
i love those moments
when you open up
i wish i could read your mind if only to help you

i wish i could erase myself from the narrative
wish i could let history wonder
how i reacted when everything i wished for fell apart
i wish i was stronger
i wish i was better
wish i knew who not to give my heart
i put myself out on a limb
when i was ready to give in
and i can still hear the devil whisper
"i know the best way to break your heart"
and i wish the lords voice was a little bit louder
because maybe then i wouldn't feel so torn apart
when you say good bye

i want to trust that we are okay
but then you cut them with your words
they are my parents
and yes i argue with them
and yes i cry over them
and yes they do alot i dont agree with
but no you cant cuss them out
no you cant threaten her
no you cant yell at him
and no you cant take your leader position into this relationship
if you want me we are equals
i hope you understand that
if not i worry we will be morning the loss of each other

double dutch.
double dutch
double dutch
life is like double dutch
we jump in and out of twisting ropes
pay attention.
pay attention
pay attention
you have to pay attention
because if you don't you might trip
don't fall.
don't fall
don't fall
don't you dare fall
because if you do we wont help you
jump the ropes.
jump the ropes
jump the ropes
jump in time with the ropes
because if you don't you will be left behind

i hate you so much
but i love you with all my heart
i never want to see you again
but i cant wait to this weekend
i don't want you near me
but i love when you pull me close
i keep my walls up high
but you walk right by them
i don't want to let you in
but i can't stand to let you go

I live behind a barbed-wire fence
I watch the world move around me
I watch the way everyone moves on
But I stay here in my barbed wire fence
Like the caged animal
Caught by my fear to move forward
Caught in my fear
The feeling I will never be enough
Keeping me its capture
Even as the years pass us

brown hair
brown eyes
feels like ive known you
my entire life
you make me feel alright

brown hair
brown eyes
fell in love over time
shared interests
like the love for music

brown hair
brown eyes
you keep perfect time
whether it be with me
or  with the music we play
making him so proud

he's a bullet that's about to fire
he's the steady that's been keeping me sain
because he sees beauty that I cant see
and he knows me even when I don't know myself
he sees me for me not who I pretend to be

he's the pines in autumn growing steady never falling
he has the drive to pull himself through fire
because he sees beauty in everything
and he knows what the people around him need even when they can't tell
he sees my smile even when I think he cant

when he's passionate it wrapped around my soul
he's the kind you never let go riding with him till heaven calls
because he sees beauty in all of me
and he knows what I need even when everything feels broken
he sees my tears and picks me up

I love you more
then the bad days ahead
I love you more
then the hardships to come
I love you more
than any year that will pass us by
I love you more
then any circumstance
I want to make sure your heart understands
because your heart means the world to me
if you ever doubt it just look in my eyes
because there you will see I love you more
I'm not saying its a competition
I just want you to know
I love you more

how do i explain it
my words fall flat
before they can even pass my lips
because how do you tell someone
you burn for them
without scaring them off
how do you explain the deepness
you've fallen for them
without losing them before it even started

i wish you where closer
especially when the nights are dark
when i cant drown out my own screams
when the smell of cigarette smoke choking me
i want to hold you
until i finally feel grounded
until i can smile once again faking happiness
till i can replace my mask
one everyone cant see-through except you
i want you to comfort me with your words
like i love you

im sorry i love you slowly sometimes
and others i jump in head first
i don't know what its like to love
without being in survival mode
but i want you to know that on the early march day
you where my reason to stay
and you still are even today

before i met you
they where just three empty words
that i overused never understanding the meaning
but now they feel met to you
i know see me overthinking
even the tiniest of moments
even though you tell me i don't ever have too
and i know that you will always answer my call
but i can never pick up the phone
and tell you the three words
that are so brimming when i see it to you

written in the stars
my name across there heart
forever in my mind
i want to keep them close
even when there far

we where brought together
not by luck
not without pain
not without brokenness
but by god
on our own roads to recovery
and in each other we find the answers
to the questions we began to drown in
and in those answers we found love

i saw you just last night
but it feels like i haven't my whole life
but i know its just in my head
i had been trying to hold onto love with people
who never thought of me as enough
but then i see the way you look at me
and you set the bar above the moon
so i don't want to be any older
and still in my bed thinking about those Sunday mornings
the way you listened to me
the church that felt like home for me
wondering what we could have been
i don't want these memories to be past tense
because your everything I've ever wanted

I want to kiss you
I want to feel the electricity between us
I want to light the flames in your heart
I want to burn the world with our passion
I want everyone to dream about us
I want our love to be the storybook children get to read
I want to be open
I want to be close
I want to float into the sky without worry
I want to kiss you
I hope you want that too

you are warm
not in heat
but in your presence
i feel the safety one can only feel
when they are curled up in a blanket
cuddled on a chair cushion
with a good book
and the words that pass your lips
dance on these pages
while a fire crackles in the distance
and i am cozzy in your warmth

love is like an epic poems
with stanzas that jump
with smiles and frowns
with never-ending lines
and ongoing stories
some will bring you to tears
but ours,
that will bring you to smile

im falling
for someone who loved me first
someone who wants me
and that feels amazing

it was never the right time
so i broke my heart
by staying with you and refusing to let us fizzle out
i knew you would break me
knew this would hurt
so why did i let you make me take the fall

the sun can shine
you can look happy
and the wind can still freeze
and you can still be crying
even when you seem perfectly fine
even when it seems you are as happy as you can be
you can still feel useless
drifting through the wind
just like a piece of garbage
you can still feel like your already six feet under
like no one wants you
like your already dead
even if you hide it perfectly

i wish i could give you my pain
not to hurt you
i would never wish that
but so that you could understand
I'm not broken
or shattered
i am beautifully rebuilt

every time you curse my name
i know you cant let go
every time you call me out
I know you want control
every time you break me down
i now ill get back up
every time you take from me
i know he wont
every time i let him in
i know he loves me true
but every time i think of you
i still cry into a pillow

i wish i could put my emotions in a box
wish I could hide them
from you
from her
from everyone who's seen me break
but instead, i shatter
trying to hold back tears
wiping my eyes
while you rush to hold me
while you rush to hug me
drying my tears from my cheeks
in a way that make me feel i am enough
even without putting my emotions in a box

where am i
when i close my eyes
when i sing the words
that are painted on the pages
but somehow they speak to me
like they where written for me
like they are speaking to me
where am i
when you smile at me
and my stomach floats
when we harmonize perfectly
where am i
when you speak to my heart
I'm probably giving in
to the idea of new love

he will be my best friend
he will be kind
he will be exciting

when i meet him
he will make me smile
he will dry my tears
he will want me

when i meet him
he will understand me
he will see through my mask
he will want me for who i am

when i meet him
whoever he may be
i will know
because he will be perfect for me

i hope your taller then me
so i can wear heels
but not to tall
so we can kiss without having to be on my tippy toes
i hope your fun loving
so we can dance barefoot in the grass
but not to fun loving
so you know when its time to stop
i hope your kind
so that it affects every person around you
but not to kind
so you don't get walked all over
i hope you've had it hard at some point
so you can understand my tears
but not to hard
so you can still smile when i see you
i hope you love me
so the forever ive dreamed of comes true
i hope you love me
so i can read you this poem
on our 50th anniversary and be in love all over again

books are my escape
they paint roses with words
they capture stories in full color
they tell you of loves no one can see
they remind me the world isn't always so bad
but they also show you that when it is bad its always the worst

if i loved you
there would be rules
like we cant tell them
like we have to take it slow
like you will learn my body language please respond accordingly
but perhaps your willing perhaps you understand
that our love would have to be
star crossed hidden behind a sheet
as if its not even there
but perhaps we can make this work
a hidden love
just until I'm old enough
that when i say this is what i want
and them not tell me I'm to young

loving is hard,
but screaming will always make it worse
I hear your words
but they burn when you scream them
puncturing the drums in my ears

loving is hard,
but you make it worse
if you say you love me
why would you say goodbye

loving is hard,
but I'm breaking out
I wont let you control me
even if its for the best

loving is hard,
but fighting makes it worse
I wish for one day
this love we have
didn't have to hurt

roses are red, violets are blue
i hate myself for being in love with you
I cant make you smile
you will not stay for awhile
so why do I force myself into your arms
why do I accept when thoughts of you swarms
so roses are red, violets are blue
I hope that one day I can get over you

lost
broken
hopeless
strung out
that's what you would say
if you could see under
the costume I'm forced to wear
the mask I must wear
so that you don't see what has gone wrong

the sun will rise
even when your in pain
even when your broken
even when the emotions welling in your stomach start to strangle you
the sun will rise

I look in your eyes
and suddenly I'm swept into a world
where we never collide
and I start to feel like I'm missing out on my whole life
cause I ran and I danced and I felt alright
but I promise that after the end
I will stand taller
because even though its making me sick
we can heal

roses are red
violets are blue
i wish I could get out of my head
because with you there sometimes I wish I was dead

if paint could fix my broken walls
hide the cracks
cover the scars
make all the problems I've endured disappear
I would be a **** good artist

I live in barbed wire
caged like an animal
restricted by my fears
that rise above me like fences
blocking off the world
from my insecurity
the tears I cry soak the wires
I hope one day they rust so bad
that I'm forced to be exposed

I live on an ocean
Flowing with the waves
Watching as they crash on the coast
Watching as you run to meet them
Connecting your world with mine
You grass
Your green
Your smiles
Your dreams
Your sandy beaches
Running to meet
my water
My blue
My fear
My destruction
My coral reefs
I watch gliding toward you slowly
Until there is no space between us
Not even molecules of air
Until ocean and earth are one
Like we always should be

i think i lost myself
by chasing you
a person who never cared
about losing me

I think the lesson I learned
while trying to avoid you
and your words
the pain you cause everyone around you
that its easier sometimes to just lay in bed
and hope you fall asleep
before you fall completely apart

i wish i could lose the weight
I wish I could fast
I wish I could diet
I wish I could do better
and I try
and I push
and I work
and I lose
and I gain
and I ***** up
I work hard so so hard
and yet your never happy
its never enough

I lose
pounds,
patience,
time,
energy,
love,
hope,
dreams,
all because you think that's the best way
to love me

i wasnt your first choice
hell i probably wasnt even your last
i never will be
even though your the one
who chose to have me
even if im not the boy you wanted
or the smart you thought i could be
you gave birth to me
i will always be your baby

I've decided you and i
we were like stained glass
we shattered
we broke
and when I tried to fix us I suffered the cut
never putting us back together properly
and so when I finally gave up
and you finally started trying
I knew we were to far gone to ever fix

you made me miserable
more than you ever made me happy
but I still think you were worth it
I still think we could have been forever
if only I had been stronger
and one day I may be
but that won't be today
I won't be tomorrow
but one day I will find my happy

no matter how much I miss you
I won't ever show it
because every time I miss you
I remind myself how much you don't
how much you never will

I feel like I'm always choking
on tears,
on lies,
on words, I can't say
like its all stuck in my throat
pulling me down,
weighing me down,
breaking me down
until I'm nothing
but the gurgling sound
of my seasonal depression

overwhelmed by pain
by fear
by exhaustion
trying not to dig my nails
into my skin
because the pain feels better
makes me feel real
makes me feel alive
burning away my overwhelming thoughts
with the lighter on my thighs
on my arms
on my chest
makes me feel like I'm okay again
like I can lose the pain
that keeps overwhelming me