all my friends and family
they soar in the sky
open in the blue open free sky
calling to me
begging me to join them
but I cant
the  waves lap against my wings
where I'm barely floating
saturating my feathers
keeping me from going to join them

for me you were a chapter
written in beautiful words
written in smiles and tears
in anger and sadness
in happiness and comforting
but I'm sure for you
I was only a line
written in a quick scribble

she was the moon
shining bright in the darkness
and he was always there
to make sure she shined bright
but he wasn't the  sun
no, he was far from that
he was the darkness
that makes sure she shines all around him

zoom in on you screaming
your hands beating
purple bruises on the surface
zoom out on me

zoom in to catastrophe
your arms choking
stealing cold breaths from soft lips
zoom out on me

zoom in on your apology
words flowing off your lips
thoughts that maybe you truly are sorry
zoom out on me

zoom in on your voice
whispering how much love
you had welling up on the surface
zoom out on me

zoom in on you screaming
bruises once again
growing purple
zoom out on me finally leaving

i hate you
i tried to be nice
tried to beat around the bush
so please stop
i cant stand to see you type
i love you
when i know you don't
and that i cant

the worst prisons arent in citys
arent the ones with bars
but the prisons we lock ourselves in
the prisons that live in our heads

i usually dont cry
i would say I've done pretty good
at shutting you out but
last night was the very first time
I had you run through my mind
at I thought I was going to die with you in my heart

I usually go out with friends
not even thinking of you once
but then I hear our song again
and for some reason, it takes me back

I usually don't break
when I hear your name
traveling out someone's mouth
really thought I was done with the hardest part
learned how to pull myself out of your arms

when we write on the walls
in our big crayons
when we where toddlers
it is almost the same
as writing on these poetry walls
they both release our pain

my lips are stained
made bittersweet by my defeat
my words on your lips
made salty poisoned by your words
my life is gone
made buttery by your knife

everything looks dark
when you leave the lights off
sometimes those lights
don't come from bulbs
sometimes our lights are the people
who we allow around us

they say that nothing is wasted
but perhaps
once we truly look into it
we are constantly wasting everything

you're my bad habit
when im sad
when im tired
when i cant stop my mind from wondering
it goes back to you
our smiles
our hugs
your misty blue eyes
the way you held me
I wish I could stop
going back to my bad habits

I felt so important
felt so necessary
but then I stopped running
then I stopped dreaming
and you told me I was worthless
because I was too gone to try

I am a hurricane
blowing my winds with words
that is so strong you can't argue with them

I am a hurricane
tearing down your lies with heavy rain
like the branches of weak trees

I am a hurricane
breaking you down with thunder so loud
even the houses fall to the ground

I am a hurricane
washing away all the pain you caused
like the graffiti that is now gone

I could say you are not a monster
I could convince myself as well
but that's all it would be
a complete lie
but of course, you would be okay
if I really did say you are a monster
you would probably just say
"is it so bad to be a monster"
that's a complete lie
and you will always know it is

I wasn't born to
let you take control
wasn't born
to watch from the side
I was born to make the world shake
to watch everything around me crumble at my fingertips
and stay as strong as I was born
perhaps even stronger

there are wounds
that every person carries
they form on our hearts
they form on our minds
they are so much deeper
so much farther under the skin
so much deeper than anyone can ever see
I'm sorry I keep mine locked up
but I've already lost my key

why am I broken
when did I get flaws
why do you treat me
like I don't deserve a shred of worth
promise I'm not a fake ******* up lost cause
I know I'm human
but you treat me like something else
and I know I'm human
so why do you treat me like I'm something else
I've always been there for you
even when think don't think it is true
I helped out
I watched them cry
I dried their tears
but now I know there's no one here that even cares

I, as a person, knew nothing
about our kind
about how we work
how are brains speak to our bones
how are minds can fracture
that was until
I tore apart a human for myself
disected the body
disected there minds
and now I understand
humans can never be made sense of

tears stinging my eyes
your voice a shrill memory
playing over and over
like a skipping vinyl
they way you seethed
the spittle flying through your lips
"don't scream at me"
coming out at only a whisper
as I'm drowned out
by your breaking vocals
"your not here"
is all I can scream into the darkness
but it never heard never true
because when I leave this room
I will still be haunted by your memory

sometimes i feel like screaming
when the anger boils over
when you blame me
when you blame him
because you refuse
no matter what the case is
to take responsibility
for your mistakes

you reminded my heart
what it felt like to be loved
i held you too tight
and you promised
to never let me go
But then you left
Before I was ready to let go
for that
i will always hate you
because you broke my heart

i dont live in new york
i never have
thats just not where i reside
im a tenant paying rent
inside of myself
im a voice thats screaming  on the inside
never seen the light


i dont live in new york
i never have
thats just not where i reside
ive got two windows
but you probably will see them as my eyes
they cant be opened cant be used
cant feel the wind on my face

i dont live in new york
i never have
thats just not where i reside
i might just think to much
im a dreamer
whos just pulling
at the seems trying to learn why

she is green
like the jealousy she seethed with
she was attached to the hip
at least that's what they all said
but in reality
she wanted to be him
to be best friends with me

he is blue
like the tears that escape him
he was my best friend
he is si depressed he steals his own heart beat
from me
from his family
from a planet that didn't love him

she is green
like the grass that grows on his grave
like the trees that line a meadow just for him and i
and she does not wait long
to replace his heartbeat
filling the quiet meadow
that i only shared with him
with sounds of anger and sadness
leaving its sacred ground broken

he is blue
like the flowers on his casket
as hes lowered into the dirt
like the blue bells that grew in our meadow
taken from me entirely
lost to me
lost to his family
lost to a planet that never loved him
but when im alone
his screams find me
and i wonder back to the now tainted
meadow

when you feel it the first time
you wont have a clue
what your even feeling
is it love is it lust
you will ask yourself if you are okay
and of course you arent
why would you be
your shattered your broken
your body seems lifeless
and yet you will want it again
because its the only way he shows love

if i said you broke my heart
would you say sorry
if i told you i was missing
would you care
cause when the nights are dark
and im alone with out you
and in all honesty
you where made for me and no her
i wonder if you will wake up
because you dont even see
what you lost and when the nights are cold
and your this bold
i think youve seen my nightmares

i was three
and i thought you loved
and you let me
knowing i was young
knowing i didnt understand

i was three
and i thought it was okay
and you let me
knowing i was young
knowing i didnt understand

i was three
and i thought you cared for me
and you let me
knowing i was young
knowing i didnt understand

i was three
and i thought you where happy to see me
and you let me
knowing i was  young
knowing i didnt understand

when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
you will be 16 the first time
it will fall for no reason
you wont understand why
you will feel the heat of the tears
as they run down your face
and you will see how old you truly are

when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
you wont understand why
you knew you would grow
knew you had to get older
but you realize then
that everything you knew
everything you loved
it will hurt you wont know why
but you thought you would never make it this far
and yet you did

so when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
remember that you will get stronger
and when your ready
you can pick it back up again

hey,
i know i shouldnt do this
but im not over you
i cant get over you
i get how stupid i sound
but i was in love with you *******
i shouldn't have fallen that hard
i if anyone should have known
you never fall deep in highschool
never hurt yourself
as much as i did with you
i dont regret you
dont regret what we did
i wont tell lies about you
i pray you wont tell them of me
though im sure you already have
i don't care
that dismissiveness i hated in you
but now i'm using it
i tried being cold
but i cant because when i see you
my heart speeds up
and i still cant look you in the eyes

its not that i didn't want you happier
its not that i didn't know you'd move on
its seeing those smiles
watching those hands
reach for another girl
i thought you would be my forever
and i know that we just weren't right
i shouldn't be crying since i moved on to
but for some reason
when i hear an old slow song
i miss they way i felt in your arms
the arms i was ready to be in forever

sometimes i have all the inspiration in the world
i write poem
i write stories
i write the inner folds of myself
and sometimes i have absolutely none
i cant walk
i cant talk
i cant even get out of my bed
and thats just my depression i guess

I'm not haunted by death
But rather this graveyard of memories
You left behind
When you left me on the corner
Of broken dreams
And smiling with glee

When I asked if you loved me
It wasn't because I wanted love
It was because I wanted to feel loved
Which is a different concept entirely
But of course you can't understand
When have you ever

A storm in my heart
That has caused my emotions
To come in waves
Crashing to shore with choppy waves
From hundreds of stormy nights
And only the lucky ones
Make it to the shores
Because only a few
Find the lighthouse I'm hiding
With dark foggy clouds

once upon a time
i smiled for hours
i danced for days
i waited for weeks
and laughed for months
but most importantly
i loved you for years
even after you betrayed my heart

i have been through
6 high schools
they start to get blurry
no time to plant roots
cause im gone in a week
don't have time to unpack
because like that were gone
don't remember faces
cant remember names
and i will never forget that day
but i can remember
how you made me feel

im all alone
with my thoughts
my broken dreams
my tears
except for when im
with the people who barely know me
who cant even tell my story

When I asked her
Why she loved thunderstorms
I was genuinely surprised
By her saying
"Because,
It shows that even the world
Has to scream sometimes
And so when the lightning strikes
I too scream
With the world"

No one expects
An angel to set the world
On fire
But just you wait
Cause one day these flames
That I hide under my skin
Will burn you

I wasn't born
To be
Soft and quite
I was born
to make the world
Shatter and shake
At my fingertips

I wasn't born
To watch
From the sidelines
I was born
To see dreams
Become as vivid and real
As my poems

the lights flicker on
the lights flicker out
i can still hear her voice bouncing off these empty walls
can still see her shadows on the walls
can still smell her

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
im almost forgetting the doctors words
she cant be dead that cant be true
He lied the doctor had to
Shes going to see me soon walk through that door laughing

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
But she is dead i know she is
Why would she do that
Why would she drink
Why would she drive
Didn't she know how much that would hurt me
She had to why couldn't she just called someone
Why did she have to die
I hate her for that

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
I don't even care honestly
I have not showered for five days
have not been able to leave my bed for 10
But i don't care abut her
I don't need her
And i'm fine
I don't need anyone not even myself

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
Why couldnt have been me
I would have rathered it be me
Why couldn't i have ran in the car
I would trade my life to go back
To tell her not to go
Its all my fault why didn't i warn her
I could've please trade my life

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
Its been two months now
I'm okay
Shes gone i cant change that
No one can change that
Its not my fault
I'm not mad
I will find love again
It still hurts when i think of her
Still breaks me down
But i'm okay
But i'm moving forward
because i have too

you play games
on innocent girls hearts
you watch as the damage you make pans out
and then you go on the run
searching for another innocent life to lodge yourself into
making them feel worthless
making them feel broken
making them hate themselves
thinking they owe you there bodys
there lives
there souls
because they arent living it the way you say they should
that they need to obey you
no matter the circumstance
they must obsess over you
and when there broken enough not to anymore
you do it all again

its funny you ask me to thaw my heart
but your the one who makes every argument physical
its not my fault we have no connection
not my fault the only place we get along is in public
when we are draped in elegant clothes
and broken memories
that keep us smiling in the crowds

i wait on the bay
watching as he makes introductions
but hes forever skipping me
forever walking by
i have to fight my urge to meet you
walk up and shake hands with the deputy
but my hands are far to ******
from crimes against myself
knowing i shouldnt each time i commit another
but still my hands are covered
in a color so crimson
that it almost hurts but i still keep committing
and im sorry that i keep disappearing mr deputy

i dont give you power
in fact i am stealing it from you in this moment
taking back what is rightfully mine
taking back my body
my tears
taking myself out of the slaughter house
because you dont deserve that satisfaction
i wont give you those pieces of me
because ive learned
how to stand on my own
and i will never let your hand push me back down

the hardest thing i ever did
was take a shower
its easy to let them **** me
its easy to fade
its easy to slide into the back of my mind
like i was never there
like that wasnt me
but it was me
and i know its not my fault
but how can i not blame myself
when i was three years old
my mother said she needed me to do it
that i was the only money she had
and when i was six i watched her do so many drugs
that it stole her from me
and i wasnt sure how to live
because what do you do
after youve been ***** ten times a day
for three years straight
when thats all youve ever been good for
when your convinced thats all you will ever be good for
it took my father ten years
to finally learn the truth
learn why i was so scared to open up
why i locked the door when i showered
why i checked the lock four times
why i constantly peered out of the shower
and washed myself as quickly as possible
often not bothering to rinse the soap from my hair
because if you took to long
you where joined
or worse she would yell
tell me how much of a waste i am
my dad always wondered why i hated showering
and it was always because
the hardest thing i ever did
was take a shower

i walk into the morgue
to identify my best friends body
i reach to hold her hand
but they push me away from you
away from your memory
as tears threaten to make a flood
as a flash flood warning comes across my face

i walk out of the morgue
almost in a daze broken
feeling more hopeless as ever
reaching for my door handle

i walk into my house
but it doesnt feel right
its to empty
to quite
so i stop trying to hold back my sobs

i walk into my bathroom
i find a razor
digging it into my skin
pulling it across my arm
trying to copy your scars

i walk to the hospital
i dont want to die
but i cant bare to lose you
im trying to breath
trying to keep my head up
but it feels like im drowning
like waves of sorrow keep crashing
pushing back under

i walk to the emergency room
and the smell reminds me of the morgue

i walk out leaving you behind me
but i will always see you there
every single time that

i walk

i wish someone had thought
to tell me how easy it is to fall in love
how easy it is to kiss your lips
to ignore every other sound
and focus on you
i also wish someone had told me
how hard it can be
to get away from the in the brokeness
the pain or insults or even the lies
because it is so easy
to just take it
knowing that leaving
would give me a broken heart

hi
to everyone
who's ever suffered
at he hands of
a person they thought loved
them but in turn they were
only looking for another soul to
burn and hurt
im here with you
some day i promise you
we will
rise

would you have apologized
would you have cared
i guess not
but i know there was a time
when i had your heart
when i felt you
when you where safety
but then you broke me
and i crashed through the seems
while you crushed me down
until i fell so far
that i became trapped