im falling
for someone who loved me first
someone who wants me
and that feels amazing

it was never the right time
so i broke my heart
by staying with you and refusing to let us fizzle out
i knew you would break me
knew this would hurt
so why did i let you make me take the fall

the sun can shine
you can look happy
and the wind can still freeze
and you can still be crying
even when you seem perfectly fine
even when it seems you are as happy as you can be
you can still feel useless
drifting through the wind
just like a piece of garbage
you can still feel like your already six feet under
like no one wants you
like your already dead
even if you hide it perfectly

i wish i could give you my pain
not to hurt you
i would never wish that
but so that you could understand
I'm not broken
or shattered
i am beautifully rebuilt

every time you curse my name
i know you cant let go
every time you call me out
I know you want control
every time you break me down
i now ill get back up
every time you take from me
i know he wont
every time i let him in
i know he loves me true
but every time i think of you
i still cry into a pillow

i wish i could put my emotions in a box
wish I could hide them
from you
from her
from everyone who's seen me break
but instead, i shatter
trying to hold back tears
wiping my eyes
while you rush to hold me
while you rush to hug me
drying my tears from my cheeks
in a way that make me feel i am enough
even without putting my emotions in a box

where am i
when i close my eyes
when i sing the words
that are painted on the pages
but somehow they speak to me
like they where written for me
like they are speaking to me
where am i
when you smile at me
and my stomach floats
when we harmonize perfectly
where am i
when you speak to my heart
I'm probably giving in
to the idea of new love

he will be my best friend
he will be kind
he will be exciting

when i meet him
he will make me smile
he will dry my tears
he will want me

when i meet him
he will understand me
he will see through my mask
he will want me for who i am

when i meet him
whoever he may be
i will know
because he will be perfect for me

i hope your taller then me
so i can wear heels
but not to tall
so we can kiss without having to be on my tippy toes
i hope your fun loving
so we can dance barefoot in the grass
but not to fun loving
so you know when its time to stop
i hope your kind
so that it affects every person around you
but not to kind
so you don't get walked all over
i hope you've had it hard at some point
so you can understand my tears
but not to hard
so you can still smile when i see you
i hope you love me
so the forever ive dreamed of comes true
i hope you love me
so i can read you this poem
on our 50th anniversary and be in love all over again

books are my escape
they paint roses with words
they capture stories in full color
they tell you of loves no one can see
they remind me the world isn't always so bad
but they also show you that when it is bad its always the worst

if i loved you
there would be rules
like we cant tell them
like we have to take it slow
like you will learn my body language please respond accordingly
but perhaps your willing perhaps you understand
that our love would have to be
star crossed hidden behind a sheet
as if its not even there
but perhaps we can make this work
a hidden love
just until I'm old enough
that when i say this is what i want
and them not tell me I'm to young

loving is hard,
but screaming will always make it worse
I hear your words
but they burn when you scream them
puncturing the drums in my ears

loving is hard,
but you make it worse
if you say you love me
why would you say goodbye

loving is hard,
but I'm breaking out
I wont let you control me
even if its for the best

loving is hard,
but fighting makes it worse
I wish for one day
this love we have
didn't have to hurt

roses are red, violets are blue
i hate myself for being in love with you
I cant make you smile
you will not stay for awhile
so why do I force myself into your arms
why do I accept when thoughts of you swarms
so roses are red, violets are blue
I hope that one day I can get over you

lost
broken
hopeless
strung out
that's what you would say
if you could see under
the costume I'm forced to wear
the mask I must wear
so that you don't see what has gone wrong

the sun will rise
even when your in pain
even when your broken
even when the emotions welling in your stomach start to strangle you
the sun will rise

I look in your eyes
and suddenly I'm swept into a world
where we never collide
and I start to feel like I'm missing out on my whole life
cause I ran and I danced and I felt alright
but I promise that after the end
I will stand taller
because even though its making me sick
we can heal

roses are red
violets are blue
i wish I could get out of my head
because with you there sometimes I wish I was dead

if paint could fix my broken walls
hide the cracks
cover the scars
make all the problems I've endured disappear
I would be a **** good artist

I live in barbed wire
caged like an animal
restricted by my fears
that rise above me like fences
blocking off the world
from my insecurity
the tears I cry soak the wires
I hope one day they rust so bad
that I'm forced to be exposed

I live on an ocean
Flowing with the waves
Watching as they crash on the coast
Watching as you run to meet them
Connecting your world with mine
You grass
Your green
Your smiles
Your dreams
Your sandy beaches
Running to meet
my water
My blue
My fear
My destruction
My coral reefs
I watch gliding toward you slowly
Until there is no space between us
Not even molecules of air
Until ocean and earth are one
Like we always should be

i think i lost myself
by chasing you
a person who never cared
about losing me

I think the lesson I learned
while trying to avoid you
and your words
the pain you cause everyone around you
that its easier sometimes to just lay in bed
and hope you fall asleep
before you fall completely apart

i wish i could lose the weight
I wish I could fast
I wish I could diet
I wish I could do better
and I try
and I push
and I work
and I lose
and I gain
and I ***** up
I work hard so so hard
and yet your never happy
its never enough

I lose
pounds,
patience,
time,
energy,
love,
hope,
dreams,
all because you think that's the best way
to love me

i wasnt your first choice
hell i probably wasnt even your last
i never will be
even though your the one
who chose to have me
even if im not the boy you wanted
or the smart you thought i could be
you gave birth to me
i will always be your baby

I've decided you and i
we were like stained glass
we shattered
we broke
and when I tried to fix us I suffered the cut
never putting us back together properly
and so when I finally gave up
and you finally started trying
I knew we were to far gone to ever fix

you made me miserable
more than you ever made me happy
but I still think you were worth it
I still think we could have been forever
if only I had been stronger
and one day I may be
but that won't be today
I won't be tomorrow
but one day I will find my happy

no matter how much I miss you
I won't ever show it
because every time I miss you
I remind myself how much you don't
how much you never will

I feel like I'm always choking
on tears,
on lies,
on words, I can't say
like its all stuck in my throat
pulling me down,
weighing me down,
breaking me down
until I'm nothing
but the gurgling sound
of my seasonal depression

overwhelmed by pain
by fear
by exhaustion
trying not to dig my nails
into my skin
because the pain feels better
makes me feel real
makes me feel alive
burning away my overwhelming thoughts
with the lighter on my thighs
on my arms
on my chest
makes me feel like I'm okay again
like I can lose the pain
that keeps overwhelming me

all my friends and family
they soar in the sky
open in the blue open free sky
calling to me
begging me to join them
but I cant
the  waves lap against my wings
where I'm barely floating
saturating my feathers
keeping me from going to join them

for me you were a chapter
written in beautiful words
written in smiles and tears
in anger and sadness
in happiness and comforting
but I'm sure for you
I was only a line
written in a quick scribble

she was the moon
shining bright in the darkness
and he was always there
to make sure she shined bright
but he wasn't the  sun
no, he was far from that
he was the darkness
that makes sure she shines all around him

zoom in on you screaming
your hands beating
purple bruises on the surface
zoom out on me

zoom in to catastrophe
your arms choking
stealing cold breaths from soft lips
zoom out on me

zoom in on your apology
words flowing off your lips
thoughts that maybe you truly are sorry
zoom out on me

zoom in on your voice
whispering how much love
you had welling up on the surface
zoom out on me

zoom in on you screaming
bruises once again
growing purple
zoom out on me finally leaving

i hate you
i tried to be nice
tried to beat around the bush
so please stop
i cant stand to see you type
i love you
when i know you don't
and that i cant

the worst prisons arent in citys
arent the ones with bars
but the prisons we lock ourselves in
the prisons that live in our heads

i usually dont cry
i would say I've done pretty good
at shutting you out but
last night was the very first time
I had you run through my mind
at I thought I was going to die with you in my heart

I usually go out with friends
not even thinking of you once
but then I hear our song again
and for some reason, it takes me back

I usually don't break
when I hear your name
traveling out someone's mouth
really thought I was done with the hardest part
learned how to pull myself out of your arms

when we write on the walls
in our big crayons
when we where toddlers
it is almost the same
as writing on these poetry walls
they both release our pain

my lips are stained
made bittersweet by my defeat
my words on your lips
made salty poisoned by your words
my life is gone
made buttery by your knife

everything looks dark
when you leave the lights off
sometimes those lights
don't come from bulbs
sometimes our lights are the people
who we allow around us

they say that nothing is wasted
but perhaps
once we truly look into it
we are constantly wasting everything

you're my bad habit
when im sad
when im tired
when i cant stop my mind from wondering
it goes back to you
our smiles
our hugs
your misty blue eyes
the way you held me
I wish I could stop
going back to my bad habits

I felt so important
felt so necessary
but then I stopped running
then I stopped dreaming
and you told me I was worthless
because I was too gone to try

I am a hurricane
blowing my winds with words
that is so strong you can't argue with them

I am a hurricane
tearing down your lies with heavy rain
like the branches of weak trees

I am a hurricane
breaking you down with thunder so loud
even the houses fall to the ground

I am a hurricane
washing away all the pain you caused
like the graffiti that is now gone

I could say you are not a monster
I could convince myself as well
but that's all it would be
a complete lie
but of course, you would be okay
if I really did say you are a monster
you would probably just say
"is it so bad to be a monster"
that's a complete lie
and you will always know it is

I wasn't born to
let you take control
wasn't born
to watch from the side
I was born to make the world shake
to watch everything around me crumble at my fingertips
and stay as strong as I was born
perhaps even stronger

there are wounds
that every person carries
they form on our hearts
they form on our minds
they are so much deeper
so much farther under the skin
so much deeper than anyone can ever see
I'm sorry I keep mine locked up
but I've already lost my key

why am I broken
when did I get flaws
why do you treat me
like I don't deserve a shred of worth
promise I'm not a fake ******* up lost cause
I know I'm human
but you treat me like something else
and I know I'm human
so why do you treat me like I'm something else
I've always been there for you
even when think don't think it is true
I helped out
I watched them cry
I dried their tears
but now I know there's no one here that even cares

I, as a person, knew nothing
about our kind
about how we work
how are brains speak to our bones
how are minds can fracture
that was until
I tore apart a human for myself
disected the body
disected there minds
and now I understand
humans can never be made sense of

tears stinging my eyes
your voice a shrill memory
playing over and over
like a skipping vinyl
they way you seethed
the spittle flying through your lips
"don't scream at me"
coming out at only a whisper
as I'm drowned out
by your breaking vocals
"your not here"
is all I can scream into the darkness
but it never heard never true
because when I leave this room
I will still be haunted by your memory