I broke down in a bridal boutique
knowing that it could never be me
drowning in ballgowns
I'm bursting at the seams
knowing you'll never truly love me

I had always imagined
that when that day came
you'd be beside me
holding my hand
but you're far away
far away with him
and I know now it'll never be me

I'm here
being fitted for ballgowns
so someone
can take my photo
I'll look so happy,
the belle of the ball,
but inside I'm crying
that I'm all alone....

I broke down in a bridal boutique
drowning in ballgowns
that you'll never see
I'm just broken
the way you left me
drowning in sorrow,
in a bridal boutique

skin and bones
what i wish to be
what i'm starting to become
thats what i'm turning into
as the dread begins to set in
as i begin to realize what i am doing
i realize i can't stop

pounds dropping like flies
feeling drained all the time
a constant calculator whirring in my mind
conscious of every bite
aware of every activity i do
always counting
adding
subtracting
from my daily calorie count

i love drinking cold water on an empty stomach
you can feel it flowing down your throat
as it assures you that your stomach
is indeed empty
the water comforts you and
all your worries
all your sorrows
the cold, cold water washes them all away

Can I say that I expected this?
I know I could never hurt you
So I knew, when it ended
It would be you, that threw the final blow
Can I say, that I knew?
You wouldn’t respond to my I love yous
I knew this was coming
That doesn’t make it any easier
And I know this is better for you
And all I’ve ever cared about is your happiness
But I must say, you’ve done quite the number on me
Built me up to a place I didn’t deem possible
And managed to tear me down with just a few words
I was too insecure
I was never good enough, and for that
I am sorry

I just realized
How much has changed
In the month
I’ve been away

How much I’ve changed
As well as everyone else
And honestly, I’ve never been better

My head no longer swarmed
Of thoughts of death
Instead, I’m looking forward to what lies  ahead
The meds have kicked in
The therapy is working
The time of reflection
Has changed my inner workings

I’m better, so much better
Now that I have space to think
Time to spend with myself
Free of my endless worries

I’m now saying
Some words I thought I’d never say
I’m okay, maybe even good
And I like things that way

Blood drips down my arms
I’m drowning myself in my sorrows
Or rather, blood
Sitting in the bath
Crying from a combination of the pain
Of this
And of what went on today
Too much happened
I can’t handle it
I’m a complete emotional wreck
It’s no wonder nobody wants me
So I wonder
Could I just
Disappear
Would someone notice?
Or would the world go on
Everyone hurting everyone else
As nobody realizes the pain they are causing until it’s too late
Until they lose someone and it’s my fault
Until something happens and I am filled with so much regret
I can’t handle this
I can’t handle life
Why?

you have given me forever
a gift I could give back
but somehow I don't think
you'd take it

this little forever
I carry with me
everywhere I go

the forever brought
to the surface
by little things
that remind me of you

a distant melody
a reminiscent memory
another and another

until I realize
you are everywhere
wherever I go in this world
you will always be near

I will always have something
to remind me of you
for I carry this forever
inside of me
a gentle reminder
of the truest love
I have ever known
to exist

home
is in
your arms

a dull ache
I know what this is
this is hunger
hunger is good, in my mind
hunger means you are closer to pretty
closer to thin
but you will never be pretty
because no matter how many
pounds you lose
how many hours you go without eating
how many bones I can see
it will never be enough
never
I will still look in the mirror
and see nothing but ugly
nothing but fat
I still see nothing
I am nothing

I stare down
At the food in front of me
My hands shake
As I pick up my cutlery
My family is watching
Ever so carefully

Cut the smallest bite
Chew forever
I feel sick while eating
Every bite feels like a failure
Everyone watching me eat
Gives me so much anxiety
Telling me to eat more
But I can’t
Because my stomach is so full of butterflies
I can’t eat
I feel disgusted with myself
I go upstairs
And I cry
Because I can’t believe
That I just ate a meal
I hate myself
The thought makes me sick
I can’t
I just can’t eat

I dream of laying in your arms
Watching beauty and the beast
I dream of kissing you
On New Year’s Eve
I dream of the future
And think of the present
And past
But it makes me sad
Because I have doubts that
These dreams
Will come true

i hope i can trust you
i'll have to find out
so here's my key
open me up
look inside
i can only hope that you'll like what you find
if not
please put my thoughts
back where you found them
do not make a mess of me
although they usually do
please be kind
to my thoughts
and return the key to my heart
once you are done

In my heart there are hopes and dreams,
and all different beautiful things.
In my heart, there's a sunrise glowing and a warmth that holds me there.
And I think of the beauty in the world all around, in the clouds that roll across the hills,
In the clean smell of the rain, and the colours of the fall,
And it makes me happy, and I wish that others saw it too.

If you love your children, are you sure they know?
Have you said the words out loud?
Are you listening with your heart, when they're sharing theirs?
Have you given us a chance to make you proud?

Do you know who I am?
Do you really know?
'Cause you can't tell from looking at me,
That underneath all this happiness, inside there's a part of me nobody sees.

I wonder who I am.
Who am I?
I wonder who I'll be.
Who will I be?
What will my life become?

There are just so many questions inside me.

Am I good enough?
Am I pretty enough?
Can I learn not to care what others think?
Can I make a difference in someone else's life, and can others see true love in me?

shut away in the darkness
too small
my knees shake
everything is dark
and I scream, but nobody comes
I can hear her outside
laughing at my pain
as I rest my forehead on the cool locker door
I try to let the pain fade away
but I'm still there
so small and weak
drops of blood trickling down my cheek
a while passes
my name is buzzed on the intercom
over and over
but I stopped screaming
because my throat is raw and screaming at me
I start to shudder and wracking sobs course through me
someone comes up and banges on the door
"------- Are you in there?"
I reply with a sob
and she says
"I'll go get someone"
a teacher comes
and she says
"----- are you okay?"
I'm still sobbing
and they cut the lock
because she won't tell them the code
and I'm free
but I feel more trapped than I've ever been

I climb on the back of his motorcycle
And he looks back at me, and says
“Hold on tight”
Suddenly I’m flying through the city
I feel so alive
Why can’t I always feel this free?
It felt good, while it lasted

I still remember the last time I saw you
and I remember the day I realized
it was really over

but life goes on, as things do
however, I still find myself
thinking about you

I’ve seen other people,
I’m sure you have too
but still, I really, truly do
myss you

This
Is not my Body
It is both
Familiar and
Foreign
But i know
That i do not
Belong here
So i've tried desperately to escape It
i am not welcome
For this is not my Body
Not Yet.

Once upon a time
there was a broken girl
so worn down by the world
she couldn't carry on
she tried so many times
to leave this world behind
but she was stuck in a world that broke her inside

she gave up so many times
but convinced herself to keep going
she tried so hard
to make everyone happy
forgetting herself in the moments

much time passed, and suddenly she thought
well this isn't so bad
she left some people behind
no longer sad
she remembered how to be happy
remembered how to smile
found people that made her happy
she kept them close to her heart
she remembered how to love
forgetting all the dark

once upon a time
a girl was hurt inside
she wished that she could kiss this world goodbye

once upon a time
i was that girl
things get better, they do
don't be afraid to take some time

dresses get smaller,
children get taller,
life moves forward,
and I'll be here
in a photograph,
one that I'll never see
somewhere out there in a dumb magazine

smiling and staring,
cameras flashing,
like there's nobody there but me...

I was planning for this to be
A cheesy catastrophe of emotions
But I refuse to use cheesy metaphors
To describe our love
Because it’s so true and real
And it makes me feel things
I have never felt
And didn’t seem possible
Until it happened

And yes, I’m aware
That was cheesy af
But I don’t care
Because you are my person
My darling
My one love, if you believe in that
My dearest friend
and cheesy metaphors, try as they may
Do not even come close, to describing the way I feel
About you

I'm scared
scared by how I feel about you
scared you'll run
when you see the pain
inside me
when you see how bad
I really am
how broken and messed up
my mind is
how much I'm dealing with
I'm scared you'll run
like the others did
I'm scared you'll leave
because of me

These hands
hold up nothing
but scars Underneath

From swimming
these oceans
and learning
to Breathe

I will wait forever
For a second chance
That will never come