its 3:30 am
and my mind
has once again
found its way to you
and my bed
is starting to feel
like your arms
and my teeth
are aching
for your lips
and my neck
is begging
for your breath
and my *******
hands are
searching for
your back
and i
swear to god
my entire *******
existence
is depending
on the rhythm
of your
breathing

i never understood
how people can
love and stay with
their abusers.
but then i
experienced
the pain,
the anxiety,
the hopelessness
and i swear
to ******* god
i still
haven't loved
more than i
loved you.

you always
have to remember
there is
a sunrise
after a sunset
there is
a door opening
as one closes
and there
is
love after love
always

i want
a lifetime love.
a love that
always keeps me
on my toes
but rarely leaves
me in tears.
a love that
makes me
want to give
and give
and give
and never
empty,
never hollow.
new and different
yet familiar
and routine.
i want a love
that has it all.

you can't be real.
not with the way
your mind touches
my body before
you hands
and not with the
way your words
leave me breatheless
before your mouth does.
your body is
a ******* spiritual
experience
and your eyes alone
make me question
my sanity.

i was feeling really low
so i decided to
paint a picture.
the canvas
was my thigh,
and the paintbrush
was my razor.

there's something
wrong with my mind.
it no longer seems to be
mine.
chaos erupts and panic ensues.
an earthquake starts
in my mind
and my sanity starts
crumbling.
some days i feel so high,
untouchable even.
but soon after,
i crash land into
a pool of depression
that i barely pull
myself out of before i start
to drown in it.
i hear you but never see you.
why are you hiding from me?
why are you here in the first place?
are you even here?
**** im doing it again.
why can't i breathe why can't i see why can't i hear everything is unclear.
in. out. in. out.
please send help
before my lungs collapse on themselves
before i drown
before i start seeing where the voices are coming from
before i stop getting out of bed
before it becomes too much
before

when you left
it felt as if my heart
crawled out of my throat
just to recklessly
roam for your love
but it was
when i realized
i was
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
special
to you
and easily
r e p l a c e d
that is when
i swear to
******* god
my heart
stopped beating
and now
there's this
giant hole
in my chest
that i can't
seem to fill
with cigarettes
or faceless men

i like feeling
insignificant in
comparison to
the large scale
of things.
that's why
before i die,
i want to spend
a week beside the ocean.
& every night,
i want to sit right
where the shore meets the sand
and feel as free as the waves
crashing in the distance.
and i want to go find
a rooftop, that's just the perfect height
and get some blankets
and fall asleep,
just a speck in a
massive space.
but somehow, that doesn't scare me
the way it should.

everything bad happens for a reason, i think. 
everything good happens by chance, by luck. 
i never really planned a good thing that's happened in my life. 
they just kind of happened. 
that night with the cows. 
the night with the bottle and a back road. 
the day we got too ****** to move from your bed. 
so we discovered each other instead. i still know how many freckles you have, how many scars were from jumping off ****. 
you always swore you could fly. 
that one weekend we threw together and called it a good time. 
that night in the car, the rain coming down. 
i was buzzed, off cheap wine and young love. 
i said i think it's early, but i think i love you. 
the day at the beach when for once my family didn't fight. 
all unplanned, all amazing. 
the bad things though, i hand picked them. 
i couldn't of chosen better.

you can have
*** with just
about anyone,
anyone who
says yes.
but
to be able
to let your
minds
****
eachothers
and your ideas
love the same
postions theirs
do
is to truly
have
great ***
and a great
conversation
over drinks
after.

"you're perfect for me,
even if you don't think so"
funny how
3 days later
you stopped
thinking i
e x i s t e d.
funny how
the last time
i was in your bed,
i found another girls
hair tie and
convinced myself
it was mine.
but it didn't make
a difference.
because i could
never quite
convince
myself that
you were
m i n e

she fell in love
with the curve
of his smile
and
he fell in love
with the curve
of her ***.
but
eventually
they both
fell in love
with the way
there minds
felt together.

i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're toxic, like an energy plant leak & you ruined everything you've touched.
including me.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're reckless, like a roller coaster without a safety bar & i want off this ******* ride.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you're nothing inside, an empty shell I tried to fill up with *** & text messages & love & attention but it was never enough.
i'm tired of not having enough left over to fill myself.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
you change like the seasons and i always mix up summer and winter & i'm getting far too hot and far too cold to stand it.
i've come to the decision to forget you
you're the worst kind of mysterious, because you're a mystery to yourself.
you never look in your dusty crevices to realize you're so much more than who you think you are.
i've come to the decision to forget you.
i'm no longer the one on your mind.
i'm no longer the one you want.
i'm no longer enough for you.
so i'm forgetting you.

i didn't
plan on falling
for you.
in fact,
i didn't
think i
could.
but look
at me now,
your hands
leaving me breathless
and your
breathe leaving
me with goosebumps.
even my skin
is seeking
your touch

this is a different kind of heartbreak. 
it's the kind that you feel everywhere. 
you wake up with your bones, aching.
short of breathe from one too many cigarettes the night before. 
i see you in my dreams. 
the you you were before. 
before the truth, before the outrage. 
before reality kicked in. 
you don't love her like you want to. 
and you never will. 
you can't love a copy when you're still loving the blueprint.

i have a problem.
with not being able to
properly mourn.
my mantra is
find something new
to distract from the old.
and usually, that works..
for a little.
then i start feeling.
feeling the regret,
the anger,
the overwhelming sadness.
and it hits me like
a train that
this distraction
isn't distracting me
from the pain

i love being this high. 
where i can't feel a thing. 
but i can feel everything, all at once, every fiber of my being I can feel. 
i don't know if this is a good thing. 
all i can think about were those morning **** rips with your family, 
margarita night with your mom. 
i loved the **** out of you, and that was always the problem wasn't it? 
i accepted too much, i had seen too much of you. 
always one for mystery. 
i miss how your breathe felt on my neck. 
I miss how your eyes looked in the morning, my ******* vampire of a man. 
covered in me, and you, and us. 
and that one mistake of a afternoon. 
 and everything you tried to fake. 
you can't fake something like that. 
you can't fake the way my hands felt on your neck in the early hours of the day. 
it's okay, though. 
it turned out better than we had ever thought possible.

do you ever
have moments
of extreme
epiphany?
like you
suddenly
realize
someone isn't
who you thought
they were.
and nothing is
more strange
then seeing
someone you've
shared your darkest
secrets with
and not being
able to  
recognize
them.

guys have a
habit of
f a l l i n g
into me
with no
safety vest.
i'm like the
sea during a
storm,
destructive and angry.
i'm like a drug,
they get addicted
to how high i
can make them feel
but forget about the
bad trips.
i'm like a book,
they want to
know every last
******* fiber,
every last ******* word
that can help
them try
to understand my content.
but they get to the end of the book
and realize
they didn't comprehend a **** thing.
i'm like a scar with a big back story.
i started out as a good thing,
a saving grace almost.
but don't worry,
eventually i'll become toxic
and i'll leave them
with marks
they never
want to
explain.

she let him plant flowers
on her heart
the roots intertwining
with her soul,
vines wrapping
around her spinal cord
but soon, she realized
they were weeds
and tried to yank them from her chest
but it was much too late
for she could never grasp
the very roots
that kept her soul
**prisoner

please forgive me
for all the lies i will tell,
all the hearts i will break,
for all the little pieces of you
i will take.
forgive me for all the
mistakes i will make,
the souls i will shake,
all the aches.
but most of all,
forgive me for the
way i treat myself
because im never kind,
always giving into
the demons in my mind.

what if this future i have
in my head isn't real?
it's nothing detailed,
because everyone likes
a little surprise.
it's like a rough sketch,
but what if there's never any
final product?
what if i never get to color
inside the lines?
what if there's never
a gorgeous masterpiece
for me to leave behind?
what then?

i am
one with
the ghosts.
do i exist
or am i
made up
by people
who can't
seem to
grasp the
concept that once
you're gone...
you're gone
for
**good?

i fall in love with
people who can
only seem to love
ghosts.
ghosts of past lovers,
ghosts of themselves,
ghosts of ghosts.
maybe when
i finish
diminishing myself
down to nothing,
ill be able to
be loved too.

this halfway ****
isn't for me.
you halfway love me,
which means you
love the things
i do underneath the sheets.
you halfway think im beautiful,
which means you think
the way my hips sway
is beautiful.
you halfway want me,
which means you want
everything from me
without your commitment.
you're halfway killing me,
which means
im almost gone.

god
i'm so ******* unhappy
but its easier to act
happy
then explain why
you're not.

it's weird
to think
there was
a time
i didnt
know you.
because now
you're all i think about
and the only one i
want to give my time to.
you're holding
my heart
in the palms of
your hands.
please, don't drop it.
when your hands
start feeling
heavy from the
burden of my love,
just give it back
gently.

i can feel
myself slowly
slipping
back into you.
it already feels
like poison
but it looks
like heaven,
so why
does
it seem like
it's gonna hurt
like hell?

how can you
plant yourself
inside my heart,
put down roots
inside my head,
push all of
what you are
into my body,
take over
my memory,
**** up
my sanity,
then just
walk
away

how can you go weeks, even months without talking or being or existing with another person but the moment you see them your old routines and habits and jokes and memories just fall back into place and everything feels right and you finally feel whole enough to breathe again?

i don't actually
know what im
doing in life.
all i know is
that you look better
smiling at me
in bed
then
i ever looked
alone in
my own.

im drunk
and im alone
and im ******* depressed
and im happy
and im sad
and im sane
and im phsyco
and im not me
and i am
and i love you
and i hate you
and im pretty sure
i left my mind
in the last bed we shared

its been days
weeks even
since I've felt this
l
  o
    w
i guess
i thought
if i didn't
think about it,
its wouldn't matter.
but here i am,
holding a razor
in my
trembling hand
and my tears
almost blinding me,
it is now
that i realize
you can
close your eyes
to your fears
but you
can never close
your head
to your
demons

i want to know what nickname you have for her. 
i wonder if it's the same thing you called me. 
i want to know how it felt when you ****** her for the first time. 
was it better? 
was it love? 
you're the only person ive ever made love with.
the real cheesy kind. 
the kind you see in the movies, or read in adult novels. 
we were one. one body, one soul, one mind. 
we could both twist the situation to make ourselves look better. 
but, at the end of it all we loved to a fault. 
we loved to a limit we didn't know existed. 
we were never really forever, i see that now. 
but i know, sometimes when you look at her, laying beside you in your bed, you're thinking of that week at the beach when every morning you woke up to my hair in your face and my arm strewn across your chest. 
and i know sometimes, when you **** her, you think about how different i made you feel and how much you miss that thing i did with my tongue. 
little things like that, are what you're going to miss. 
while im here wondering what you told your parents about her.

she loved
anything
that provided
an escape
from her life.
when she was 7,
it was
disney movies.
that is where
she learned
its not normal for
daddys to hit mommys.
when she was 11,
it was
books.
the ink,
staining her fingers
as well as her heart
and her mind.
that was where
she learned
that when she said
no,
he was supposed
to stop.
when she was 16,
it was drugs.
powder, needles, pills.
and that is where
she learned
the true meaning
of escape.
getting so
h i g h
she never
felt the
l o w s.
at 20,
though, she
confused
e s c a p e
with
d i s a p p e a r i n g

you
cannot
be
fixed
by
the
same
person
that
broke
you.

i like a lot of myself.
i like the way i look
when i first wake up.
i like the way my eyes
look when i do my make up.
i like my body, how it's unique
to me.
i like my long hair.
i like my small hands and feet.
but my god
i love my mind
and i love
what my hands can do
and what my mouth can say
and where my feet can take me
and what my eyes see when i first wake up.
that's what i love about
myself.

I. there was life before him.
i know its hard to remember a time
his presence didn't make your whole body shiver
and his eyes didn't make you
want to wrap your arms around his broken soul.
but there was life before him
and there will be life after

II. he may no longer love you but you have to love yourself.
i know you had yourself convinced
that he was the only one who could love
all your loose ends, all the pieces, all the brokenness.
but he doesn't anymore and its okay.
now you have to grow
to love all your scars, all your craziness, all your faults.
after all, you're the only one
that lives with the voices in your head

III. he was never meant to be your last
you both spoke words of forever, planned a future together.
with 3 dogs, 2 sons, and a huge house.
you never decided where
but maybe that's how you should have known.
and i know you may feel like you'll love him forever...and you will
but, sweatheart
he
was
never
meant
to
be
your
last
IV. it was real
V.  he is gone
VI. and you are still ******* breathing