i never
really cared
what people
thought about me.
it was always
how i thought
about me.
and that's what
is the worst part,
no one could
make me stop
but myself.

i don't miss
your mouth
nearly as much
as i miss your
eyes.
your mouth
whispered
secrets into
my skin but
your eyes,
my god,
you eyes
told me
stories and
they held
the lies
that eventually
broke me

so
many
people
have
seen
your
naked
anatomy
but
how
many
have
been
bless­ed
to
see
your
naked
soul

i've never really
been a nature
person.
but that day
i fell in love
with the way the ground
kissed the water
and the sun
made love to the
tops of the trees.
in that moment
i felt like i was
a part of something
bigger than this
****** up
human race.
and for once
i felt at peace.

treat people
better then
the world
treats you.

i don't miss you
i miss the way
you breathed life
into the most dead
parts of my
soul
how your fingers
touched me like
a sacred religious
text
how your eyes held the galaxy
and your arms
held me
together

she broke you.
she stepped
all over your
heart.
she left
it scattered
in pieces.
and
im the one
left cleaning
up a mess
i didn't make.
how
unfair is
it to put
someone back
together
just for them
to go back
to loving
the one
who trashed
them?

and the ocean
taught me
how to
welcome people
back into my mind
like the shore welcomes
the tide
and i said your name
today and it
didn't feel like
throwing up
razors
and i
remembered the way
you tilted your head
when you smiled
but the ocean
never taught me
how to wash
away images
so im stuck
with how
you looked
the last time you
told me you loved me.

no
     amount
          of
              pills
                     will
                            ever
                           ­          make
                                            you
                                                  love  
       ­                                                yourself
                                                                ­ again.

like
petals
on
a
flower
after
full
bloom,
eventually
you
withered
away
and
became
dead
to
me
too

pretty is so played out
so used
like a childhood toy
when youre in your 20s
its manipulative
and tired
pretty gets you places
like a strangers bed
or stuck in someones
head
pretty gets you
fooled
into thinking
thats the only thing
good about you

i remember when
that song was
just a song
and i didn't
think of you
every time it
came on
i remember when
that place was
just a place
and i didn't
see you there
every time i
decided to visit
but i don't
remember
a time i
thought of perfection
and didn't think
of
you

its hard to
move on
when everyone is
the same.
you think you
can catch a break
but all you catch
is your tears
falling
with the back
of your
hands

you never
really made me
feel as alive
as that
roof top did
tonight.
and i realized,
that's all i wanted.
i wanted someone
to make me feel
alive and whole and worthy and important.
like im worth someone laying down for hours, and just staring.

i'm not an angry person
i'm a sad soul
with a smile that could fool God
but eyes that betray me
i have a laugh that can ****** the devil
but sobs that can awake
the earth
i have hands that DaVinci would envy
for they are magic,
creating lovely
****** creations
on my thighs
but i have a backbone
that has more cracks than
a busy city sidewalk.
just a sad soul.
not an angry person.

i'm addicted to my scars
the way they tell stories
better than i could ever explain
the way they make
constellations of my pain
and make people
take a second look
i'm forever a victim
to reliving
what i barely
lived through

a couple days ago
i tried to **** myself
by ingesting a handful of
different pretty pills
in the hopes
they'd make me
a pretty corpse
i thought maybe
they'd plant roots
in my stomach
and grow flowers
out of my eye sockets
but then i realized
those pretty pills
would ****
not only me
but the ones who already
saw flowers growing
in the darkest parts
of me

smile so it distracts them from your sad eyes
2. not everyone is deep and poetic and unhappy. some people just are. let them be.
3. you are ******* gorgeous and powerful and intelligent even when you feel the complete opposite.
4. i promise you're worth more than what people have done to you.
5. keep going, you have people to prove wrong and you have yourself to make proud.
6. patience is a big key to happiness.
7. accept compliments but only give sincere ones.
8. people are always going to walk in and out of your life. let them. some people are here for a season, some complete rotations, and some forever.
9. its okay to be sad and cry and all that ****. but not forever.
**10. my god, you are something else entirely.

banksy once said
"i mean, they say you die twice.
once when you stop breathing
and a second, a little later on,
when somebody says your name for the last time."
you killed me when you broke my ******* heart.
and i know you haven't said my name in months.
so i guess i'm practically six feet under.

i looked in
the mirror today
and didn't believe what
i saw staring back at me.
i saw scars of all different shapes
sparkle
almost as if to show me
the many times
i was
my own light
to guide me
through my sickness.
i saw years of
self hate and abuse
tumble off my shoulders
and down my back along
with my light brown locks.
i saw my eyes
screaming out
all my inner beauty,
trying to make it surface,
but never overpower.
and i saw
someone i loved.
someone i was proud to be.
someone worth saving.

you told me
yesterday
that you thought
stretch marks
were disgusting.
i immediately
looked down
and realized
you must
find me
utterly
r e p u l s i v e
because i have
stretch marks
on my heart.  
i have them
where there
was too much me
for my skin to
contain
leaving ugly
mocking lines.
but
i also have
s c a r s
from when
my head
wasn't enough
to keep the
thoughts in my
brain from
taking control
of my hands
so i'm wondering
what do you think
of those?

people say
everything
is better
when
you're blinded
by smoke
or drowning
in alcohol.
but you cant
see the lies
and i
cant swim
through the
disapointment.  
they say it
brings out
the real you.
but i'm not
really me after
the 6th shot
of *****.
and you
arent really
happy
after that
2nd blunt.

did she make a home in the spaces between your ribs too?

2. i have still have your sweatshirt. it doesnt smell like you anymore. its okay though, i smell it every time i dream.

3. i miss looking in your eyes and seeing the galaxy.

4. they say you get a new layer of skin every 7 years and i cant wait to have skin you havent touched.

5. i miss you. i ******* hate you but i miss you.

6. i still have bruises, they just arent surface level anymore.

7. do you ever think of me anymore? today i saw a sweater that i'd know you'd love. i wonder if its the same for you.

8. i hope someone hurts you like you hurt me. karma is a ***** after all

9. you're so broken but so am i. we could of took our pain and made it into something beautiful, a mosaic of brokeness.

10. today i smiled and my eyes smiled too and its the beginning of finally moving on from you.

Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what it is like to love someone and hate that same person at the same ******* time.
Thank you for causing me to sit on my bathroom floor and cry so much that I wish I would just ******* drown.
Thank you for making me feel alive. I felt things for you that I had never felt about any other person before. The thought of losing you kept me awake at night.
Thank you for being the reason that reality was finally much better than my dreams.
Thank you for cancelling our plans so many times that I found out the true meaning of unreliability.
Thank you for showing me that even perfect people have flaws, the cracks in your apologies showed me that even if I didn’t say, “It’s fine,” you wouldn’t have made any effort to fix what you did anyway.
Thank you for showing me what it’s like to give forgiveness and wish I never had, you got away lightly with every ******* thing you did wrong, I wish I had screamed at you so hard about how much you made my heart hurt but I still wouldn’t be able to leave.
Thank you for pulling me in with your false words, “You’re too nice.” I never knew that someone could be “Too nice.” Maybe you just couldn’t handle someone who didn’t have the courage to speak up, I’m sorry you couldn’t read minds.
Thank you for walking past me today, you kept your head down as if you had never stayed up late on the phone to me while you talked about how beautiful our future would be.
Thank you for holding my hand and then never coming near me again, I now know what it’s like to crave something so much it feels like if you don’t have it again you will suffocate.
Thank you for fooling your friends into thinking that you rarely knew me when really I know you more than they do.
I know your secrets, I know how you hate your dad, I know your favorite songs, I know about how you've seen way more than you should of , I know the real you. Don’t act like I don’t exist, a smile or an nod of acknowledgement would be enough to make me feel like this whole experience wasn’t a complete waste of my time. I guess I’m just a new addition to your list of strangers who you think don’t understand, but I know you.

everything stopped
for a moment or two
when we heard the news.
then chaos emerged
and tears flowed.
people fell apart
while everyone came
together.
we were holding each
other up
while we ourselves
were on the ground.
questions were asked
but the only one that
mattered
was how could
he do it
and leave us all shattered?
but then i realized
it wasn't about us.
it was about something bigger
and im sorry the world *****.

i fell in love
with your smile.
the way your lips
pull back
to display
your perfect teeth.
and how your cheeks
look fuller
and slightly more
pink.
how your eyes
light up like
the stars
but your eyelids
droop,
to hide
the magic
that lies
beneath them.
your smile
is
like a
solar eclipse,
rare,
blinding,
and
completely
*******
worth
the
wait

i'm so tired
of opening up to people
who do nothing
but laugh and poke
at my insides

"you were always
a giver.
sorry i couldn't
give more."

i saw you tonight.
you spoke first.
asked me how had i been.
told me i looked good.
and you have me a hug.
letting you near me was
my first mistake, but
dear god,
letting you touch me was fatal.
i was immediately reminded
of your smell which
brought back a thousand
******* wonderful memories.
and i was immediately
reminded of your arms
and the way they felt
secure around my frame
like nails in a coffin.
and i was immediately reminded
of how easily our bodies
fit together,
and how
******* amazing
the puzzle was.

we lay there,
you with your back turned
to me.
i used
my fingertips
to trace
the words
my mouth
never has the
courage to say.
and you just fell asleep.
and i'm starting
to think that's a metaphor
for what you'd do
if i let you
hear what my heart
has been *screaming

life is a never ending
tragedy.
not even
shakespeare
could beat
life's plot lines

ive run out of words to describe the way your hands feel gripping the sides of my face

they warned me
about you.
said your words
could hypnotize
and your eyes
could see through me.
you're like a drug,
i get high on
your presence.
surreal, spiritual
that's what it's
like being with you.
im gonna regret this
but not before i fully
enjoy the trip

will
you
still
love
me
when
i
lose
my
mind?

i guess
in my mind
i thought
replacing you
would be easy
but then
i realized
why would
i want a
r e p l a c e m e n t
when i
deserve
a
*******
o r i g i n a l

you told me
i was too young
to understand
the basics of love
but that didn't stop
you from saying it
over and over.
you told me
i had problems.
that i was
too much
but also
not enough.
but that didn't stop
you from having me
in bed
over and over.
you told me
i had a choice,
that it was always
up to me.
but it wasn't
my decision
to do any
of this in the first place.
you told me
i was crazy,
but i guess she
was the kind of
crazy you were
looking for.
nothing was mine,
you even left
the same
finger print
bruises around
her neck.

today
im seeing you
in every place we've ever
been
and my
*******
god
i just
want
to feel
whole
again

I have forgotten how to
live a life without you
I cant remember a before
and I didn't even
imagine an after
I thought breathing
when I was with you
was difficult
but without you
I am on the verge
of suffocation

i have a
way with words.
but i never could
quite talk myself
out of loving
you.
and you're
still in every
poem i write.
so maybe,
i just have
a way with you.

you aren't
really the
person you
try to be.
you're
smoking in the cold
with people who
can't remember your name.
you're getting drunk
alone in your room
at 2am.
you're telling anyone
who will listen your
life secrets.
but i was captivated
by how you
collapsed into
yourself,
then poured all
that you are
into my body.
almost as if
you wanted me
to carry
the weight
of both our worlds
in the crevices
of my hips

can i say
your eyes are like
an ocean?
because i drown in them
every time and
i will
never show
resistance to
the waves.
i'd be at peace
inside you,
because finally,
we would
be one
and the
ache to be
surrounded
by you will
finally
disappear.

today
i laid in your
bed again.
it had been months
since my body
was against yours.
and pulling
on your tshirt
i realized you still
smelled the same.
i said it outloud
and you said
"did you expect me to smell different?"
and i looked up
at you, with knowing eyes,
and responded
"no. but that doesn't mean i wasn't hoping you would. i don't want heartbreak to have the same smell over and over. i don't want to be haunted by it my whole life."

these halls
are haunted
with memories
of you.
your laugh
still reverberates
off these walls
and
your voice
is the
constant hum
that makes
my bones crack.
i see
you in all
the places
we use to be,
the corner where
you'd just sit and hold me
and i swear to god
i can still feel
the warmth
that was you
wrapping around
my throat.
"forever" meant
until you
find someone
less crazy than me.
i hope
forever is
just as temporary
for me because
my bones are still
aching and
my heart is still pouring
out the promises
you broke and
i still can't say
your name without
wanting to *******
drown myself