I fear
when you lay
with your head
to my pounding flesh
that my heart is
too overbearing
for you to listen
to my words.

you havent been
yourself lately.
and I fear
my heart
is telling you
more than I

I ask
difficulty in hand
There is discomfort
in his voice
I feel the needWANT
to say we are
or maybe areNOT
I can't decipher what is not there

I have been
               with people before
and
               not once
                              made them pancakes

You could not have said it any better

I had been eye peeping sleep hoping
that counting sheep would send me
elsewhere and an attack of
messages erupted my phone
a lot more than that erupted from within
rush
exhileration
that rumble from screaming throats
pouncing at falling waters
my hands shook
my breath didn't know what it was
the door seemed weightless and heads snapped
but mine looked oh so far for oh so much
more valuable than the cost of pool time
you looked at me
and it hurt
eye contact that pierced
that night I left something
that night I saw more
that night I remember
you whole
and that night I felt
like I wish I cam back the
year before

I knew exactly where I was
sense of dead silence between
two people wrapped in conversation
between the breaths of sentences and words
that required another gasp
there is was
if you stopped talking
I think we'd both suffocate
between playful mater, responsible or
unending unnerving problem after
problem
I wish I called you
I wish I got out of bed sooner
so quickly and unprepared
even that 30 seconds more I would've had with you
would be worth more than a year with him

We've been trying to find ways
ways to burn out
ways to burn brightly
ways to show we've become
more than the falling rocks of our mistakes
more than the meteorites that destroyed us
more than the path of destruction
planetary elements that've sent our futures in to gloomy regions

but here we all sit
staring down from deep space
with such momentum to cause catastrophe
moving at a rate of a projectile/motion formula
but that is just it
we are in deep space
and there is no oxygen for a spark

I look at my cracked face from too much sun
Or smoke or fake glances and smiles at strangers
Empty eyes that usually are glazed over
From the collection of half empty beer cans
Display of *** chata and whiskey in concealed flasks
Do alcoholics feel as happy
How water erodes the beaches and how nature takes back
What belongs to it I feel like the glass bottle
That takes millenniums to dispose of
Or maybe a heavy metal like aluminum or lead
Commonly evaporated to brains and malfunctioning characters
I think I’d be depleted uranium to all that weeps
Seeping deep to DNA contact level of danger and hazardous waste
It’s a lot of responsibility to be just as secretly unhappy
A bird returns to it’s nest to find it’s eggs scrambled
A joke with no humor and sarcastic crucifix type of beautiful typography
I look at this polaroid, shaken not stirred, and this intoxication consumes me
The one I didn’t deserve. The one I ****** up, I tell people, because deserving aside
It’s rather bleak for a love story
It’s always a lot more than what I tell people
The whole story isn’t all there
But hell
Neither am I

Your name comes up
like that bill you forgot to pay
the idea of forgotten plans
the ones you didn't make
the want to stay in anyway

2 am and I demand myself
a clean demeanor
a thousand miles per hour
Dim lit room, raggedy people

stepping on set I pretend more
I pretend to not notice
white tee shirt, tan skin
I pretend to not feel your heartbeat, a hug delivered
a reconnaissance of memory, bitter water
I pretend that I am well, I am wearing white
I pretend I don't think about you often
I pretend to not regret
I'm stepping on a line between two skyscrapers
Close death at far range mistake simply made
Breathe is deranged at any second I could slip
Stomach sinking faster than me
Before I reach the other building centimeters away
I turn back, a tightrope much harder
and wish I could have been pushed instead