I first noticed my abnormal heartbeat
in Duluth, Minnesota.
Standing across the canal from you
separated by water
and the waves waves waves.
I still swear to this day
that it was your breath I heard
mingling with the hush of water.
The next time I notice my heart
we’re at the hospital.
You tell me to uncross my ankles
and hold out my wrist
your thumb brushing over the more delicate part of its skin
and your stethoscope cold on my throat.
It’s only a
one-two-three
four
before you’re pulling away
my pulse going with you.
I don’t care if I have to live with arrhythmia
live with the pills and the appointments
and the lack of a steady thump thump thump
in my chest.
Just the ghost of the feel
of your thumb on my pulse point
on my wrist
on my neck
curving behind my ear
and my hand on your heart
with your thump thump thump,
will keep my blood flowing.
I’m a girl with a broken heart
and I’m in love with a cardiologist.

A man and a woman stand in a yard
their fingertips touching slightly.
She sits between them
criss-cross-applesauce
hands in her lap
voice off
like she was taught in school.
Mom and dad have a secret.
She thinks there is a surprise waiting for her in the house.
Katherine
Katherine Anne
Katherine Anne Seymour
Katie
There is something abnormal about you
cell deep
malignant and capable of killing.
If we could take it out of you
and put it somewhere else
like a star or the highest branch
of the tallest tree
somewhere so
unreachable that we could ignore its pain
we would.
But Katie
Katherine Anne
Kitty Cat
we can't.

I need you to know
that I no longer write about you.

He once told me
To be like falling snow
Forever different.

He forgot to mention
Snowflakes melt.

I dreamt of a boy and his motorcycle
And how he stole me away from you in the back of his dad's pickup truck
On a recycled mattress.
I remember waking up and wondering if I should tell you
That I felt more alive in my dreams than I did in your arms
I see that boy with the tattoos up his arms and the smile gracing his face and I wonder who I am cheating more: you or myself
But each morning I wake up I remember why I am in love with you
And every night I fall asleep I wonder what it would be like to be in love with him

I am not drowning in fear or happiness,
rather sitting in a lukewarm bath
of tremendous want
that you drew for me.