i’ve been sitting here
for more hours
than i can count on one hand
attempting to describe the way
i can feel my chest crushing into pieces
in a poetic way that sounds beautiful
but this isn’t beautiful
this is a ******* disaster
you are a hurricane that is destroying me
you are the coffee that slips out of my hand
and stains the walls when i’ve spent hours
and hours cleaning
you’re a ******* ******* natural disaster
laced with irrationality and mood swings
and you are killing me

you
are
killing
me

You were the one that never got picked.
Almost like the girl at an invitational dance.
You were the one always chosen last.
Similar to the child's football player with limited skills.

Look at you now.
You are the envy of various ladies in town.
Those that were, is trying to be.
Those that claim to be, never amounted to anything.

So, look at you now.
You're respected in important corners around.
It's not that you changed.
In several truths, you're still the same.

You didn't adjust to fit in the "in group" squad.
You stayed yourself.
Which wasn't all that hard.
Cause you always been yourself.

Now, look at you.
You're the prettiest bride around.

And everyday that I woke.
I had to remind myself.
Remind myself,
you were no longer here.
That your arms were no longer around for me to run into.
That your shoulder was no longer around for me to cry on.

*That I had to lean on me.

There are some things I did not know.        

I did not know you could sit in a room with someone and miss them. Miss them because they just don't quite speak to you how they used to and you realise, this is it. This is where he starts to cut me out.
All of this provokes an old, intense and overwhelming need to study every detail of their face and commit to memory, all without being caught.
    
 I did not know you could love the shade of someone's skin in a particular colour t-shirt      
Try to keep it in. Repressing smiles? Well, life could be worse, couldn't it. But wow, I wish I could un-invent all the colours in the world just so he had to wear that colour constantly.

I did not know you could become obsessed with the way someone scrunches up their pinky finger when they play guitar, and scrunches up their nose when they hit the high notes    
And wow, isn't it just the cutest thing. That is an image of absolute peace. You in your favourite place, because all you need is the guitar. All I need is you to have the guitar. I swear, I could stay here forever.      Sing me into old age.

I did not know you could develop a passion for tea, because he likes it too and I'll drink it excessively because it reminds me of you. I confess, I would always give you a little extra sugar and you said my tea is the best.

I did not know I could wake up so blissfully in your bed sheets as that trademark cup of tea stands purposefully on the edge of the bed  
And Lord, did you create this boy with the purpose of melting my heart? I can't tell you how many awful nights sleep have been erased because the beautiful boy with the tea is there when my eyes open. Maybe I'll pretend to fall asleep often, to recreate the moment.

I did not know I have recorded your smell to memory until the smell with a different face passed me and all I could see was you. Because I noticed the smell first and I was looking around for you, but you were nowhere to be seen. I guess this aromatic ghost constantly haunts me.

I did not know I could constantly feel queasy before I see you, though it was nearly everyday. Crippling butterflies. The worse bit about those, is you have to pretend they're not there.

  I did not know I could be so protective over someone who is not even mine. I'd argue for you and fight for you and I'd be that one person you could always count as being on your side, but really...well, it won't make you love me, but it helps me to love you.  

I did not know I would grow to feed on your words and hang onto every single one that leaves your mouth. Sometimes you speak and I wish l could just take out a notebook because I never want to forget a thing. I'll sit and wait for your words or wait for you to sing.    Sing me into eternity.

  I did not know I could love the colour your cheeks go when you are hot. Your entire face is just warm. And that's another thing about you, you just radiate. Goodness, knowledge, wisdom, understanding. I can see it all bubbling under your skin. Your face is flushed and it's making mine burn too.  

I did not know I would ever know this much about you. I did not know we would ever be friends. You were a person I was merely aware of.  But you took that chance. You took a chance that saved a life. So I guess sometimes, breaking professionalism is worth it. Maybe. Was I worth it?

I did not know that I did not love before you, for before you I did not know what love was.

This Old Soul marches into Battle daily
Determined to shine the Light
Even if I can manage only a faint flicker
I will dutifully execute my modest role
In creating the conditions under which Darkness cannot exist
To be One small Exception
To the Ego's Earthly rule

It is a War – and though we do not win every Battle
Our Victory is secured as long as we Fight
There is no god to grant us our Salvation
The Great Judge lives within each and every one of us
It takes three eyes to see
And though we are few
We are not alone

So, take comfort
Our Trek is difficult, but Worthy
Our opponents do not know
Nor will they believe
That we cannot be defeated
And as such
They will continue their assaults

Be ready.