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Kelsey Dec 2014
"Let's have lots of babies
and grow old."
He told her in a card.
Six years before she left
and one before the birth
of her last three children.

"Let's have lot's of babies
and grow old."
He promised her that birthday,
on an over the top card
that clearly showed
the light in which he saw her.

"Let's have lots of babies,
and grow old."
He begged her
as she packed her things,
us along with them.
Leaving him with an empty heart
and empty drawers.

"Let's have lots of babies,
and grow old."
He scrawled in his neatest chicken scratch.
The only thing that left in a drawer
years after she changed her mind.

Or perhaps she always knew,
and the day she took my fathers life
was the first day she quit lying  to herself.
Kelsey Apr 2017
Grandpa's dead
we get his shed.
Mom says we'll load
it in the truck.
Maple helicopter seeds
spin down gracefully
but his plane; no such luck.
The sun too goes down
while mother's brothers frown
and she leads the sorting crew.
On a tin roof I watch
while hunched adults haul
in hay field three feet tall.
Where Gramp's plane fell
dad prays he's resting well
but I think Mom thinks
he's in hell.
Kelsey Dec 2015
When things go okay enough
you never have to embarrass your mom
by letting her know that she messed up.
Things weren't that perfect,
but they weren't that ****** up.
Or maybe they were,
but you're still being tough.
Kelsey Sep 2014
I seem to be getting older
Every ******* day I am alive.
My mind and body growing,
But with that something dies.

There used to be a demon,
Who slept beneath my bed.
I haven't heard him howl in years.
I know that ******'s dead.

I considered myself and artist.
But now I see the flaws.
I had a pink plastic cell phone,
But now it won't make calls.

The world I lived in,
Was mainly gold and white
But my mind won't stop expanding
Now there's no room for light.

And even as I sit here
writing these ******* rhymes.
I feel childish and ignorant,
Now there another piece has died.
Kelsey Apr 2017
The dogs dug tunnels
under the porch.
Sometimes we dug with them.
Constructing architecture wonders
in the k-9 and 8 year old world.
In these catacombs they birthed
dusty puppies and in the
dark dirt they rotted back to earth.
Eldest brother dug in the backyard.
Said close your eyes,
hold your breath until you get there.
Past Earth's core to China,
we crossed our arms and jumped.
The dogs kept scratching tunnels,
long after we ran off.
Looking back,
maybe they were trying
to dig their way out
like we were.
Kelsey Sep 2014
Sometimes I sit still
and feel the air on the insides of my arms.
I feel the warmth of the sunlight
that reflects off my skin.
I listen to the breeze
that winds through the trees
and through me as well.
I am the same as them.
In the distance I hear birds
and the trickle of water.
They are the same as me.

Later when I leave this rock
things will speed back up,
My muscles and mind straining to keep up,
wearing myself thin
at the end of everyday.
Life is a game that way.
But sometimes I just sit still.
Kelsey Nov 2014
We sat in the back of the room.
English 201.
There were five of us,
but a max of four at a time.
They spoke a lot.
Raising their hands,
or speaking out of turn
to protest the ignorant proclamation of classmates.
We sat in the back.
Feet propped up, books closed.
Backing each other up on our rants.
I never spoke.
I'll never know how they knew
I was one of them.
Kelsey May 2015
Not that anyone cares
Kelsey cut class again.
Probably out getting high
With her new stupid friends.

Not that anyone cares
But Kelsey likes to break glass.
She writes on the walls
And she’s waiting for the crash.

Not that anyone cares
But Kelsey snuck out her window,
Out to smash mailboxes
And let herself go.

Not that anyone cares
But Kelsey doesn't do well in school
She’s not perfect like them.
No straight A’s for this girl.

Not that anyone cares
No one listens to her, she’s not even there.
So go for it kid get drunk.
Life isn’t fair.

Not that anyone cares
But she’s always on the run.
Stop saying she’s like them
Her life has barely even begun.

Not that anyone cares,
But Kelsey is all alone.
She’s completely her own person.
Not even close to Regan’s clone.

Not that anyone cares,
But Kelsey cries every night.
She has terrible dreams
And just existing is a fight.

And not that you’ll listen
But she hates her life
And you can’t fix her with words.
So don’t waste your time.
Something I scratched down a few years ago when I was feeling a little different than I usually feel these days.
Kelsey Jan 2017
It starts as an after school snack
you share a bag with your brothers.
But things change as you grow,
soon you're eating a whole bag.
Soon its not just a snack
but a meal.
Its not long before you're eating
the kernels too.
At first you try to chew them,
but soon its better to just swallow them whole.
Then you're using your thumbnail
to scrape the butter off of the bag.
It takes forty five minutes,
but you eat all of it.
That doesn't last long before
you're ripping up the bag
and licking the buttery insides.
From there its a slippery *****
and before you know it you're chewing
strips of the buttery bag like gum.
Then one day you do it.
You swallow,
and its not great but its not so bad.
So that's your breakfast from now on,
a bag of popcorn.
Kelsey Apr 2015
They have had separate bedrooms
for the last ten years at least.
But I liked to imagine
that sometimes late at night
their drunken stupor would
leave their lonely minds wondering
and they would tiptoe into the darkened
bedroom of their reticent life partner,
and touch their skin. For the the first time in too long.
And they would lay with their faces together
and whisper, "What the hell are we doing?"
Three adult children, and still children themselves.
And they would laugh instead of scream.
And in the black of three AM
they could be honest with each other.
And every once in a great while
they could remember that they understand each other.

But I don't know that this ever happens.
Maybe they haven't been friends in years.
Kelsey Mar 2017
Join us!
Join us!
We think you'll like our mission!
We're looking for new members
in the sad girl coalition!
We prefer girls with anxiety
and an affinity for plants.
Feminist views a must,
and a willingness to dance.
Gear needed to fit in here:
a rescue cat, a hammock,
an emotionally damaged cactus,
yoga, knitting, hula hooping,
or some other quirk you practice.
Duties are quite simple;
Defend your girls in online rants
about the current state of the nation.
Comment, "love the yoga pants!"
when a sister nails a headstand.
Click love instead of like
when a member shares the anthem
and keep adding to the ranks
of the sad girl coalition!
Kelsey Sep 2016
I am driving.
Driving and listening to a song
About a flower that wished it was a tree,
And a raccoon climbs on my shoulder.
To my left there is a woman
Pulled to the side of the road.
Her face is flushed red
As she wipes off a white wooden cross
With a white wash rag,
And changes the flowers.
And I’m driving,
The raccoon is chewing on my hair,
And I’m wondering
How I’m going to find her a place
That she’ll be okay.
So I say it out loud.
“How will I find her a home?”
The song plays in the background
And I wonder who I even mean.
I think about the sad boy
From the bus stop a few days ago.

We’re all exposed beating hearts
On this beating heart we call home.
Our needs and motivations,
Radiate with every beat.
Whether we are looking or not.
Whether we help or not.
And we put up these walls
In our lives or in our minds.
But the separation we create
Is just an idea that gives
Power to entitlement and loneliness.
Despite what we tell ourselves,
We are not a single flower
Growing in a raised bed among others.
But rather a petal on a morning glory
That grows in a tangle of squash
And Virginia creeper.
Always growing, and intertwining.
Side by side.
On top and below.
From humans to nature,
From humans to humans
There are no distinctions
That are not manmade.
The lady by the road,
The raccoon, and me
Are all one singular life.
And not only in this
Suspended moment.
Kelsey May 2015
The dirt road stained the car.
I normally drove but this time
she sat with her left foot curled beneath her.
Her free and bare foot barely touching the pedal.
Left arm dangling out the window,
while her right clung loosely to the wheel.
And she talked.
"That was the house my parents built.
My mom was supposed to get it but he kept it.
That is the church my dad was
going to marry her in.
But she's crazy, she'll never marry him.
This is the lake where I was going to build my
house when I grew up and married him.
But I didn't do that,
and it looks like someone bought it anyway."
And she laughed.
"This is where we always planned on skinny dipping.
But we were too scared until we were too old.
This is where my brother was supposed to marry my best friend.
But they are both on drugs now.
This is where he and I would swim and talk,
and he told me he would marry me.
I hear he is getting deployed to Texas
and that he got a tattoo across his shoulders."
Sometimes she would just drive,
Her eyes on something in the distance.
Because some of them weren't for me.
The place where she nearly drown.
The place her brother gave up on her.
When maybe she should have given up on him.
The last place she saw the first friend she ever had.
"Sometimes I think I should have stayed."
But she knows better.
And the gravel wound cornfields for miles.
And she talked,
and she laughed.
Kelsey Mar 2017
This is what I remember:
The planks leaned against the wall
would fall if we weren't careful
Tarzan swinging on the frayed black snakes
that coiled around the beams
because if they could still power florescents  
no one ever told us.
We shattered the old windows stacked in the briers
to make our new home shimmer
when we set the hay ablaze
because if they were going to use them for the house
no one ever told us.
We heard dad call the
pit of snakes insulation
but we killed them all with shovels,
couldn't risk it.
Never knowing the real snakes
were slipping under the front door
and though big brothers might have known
we were fighting the wrong war
no one ever told us.
Or maybe we don't remember
when you said to be careful in the barn
but to go ahead and play out there
and not to hurry home.
Kelsey Jan 2017
Our house smells like paint
of five different colors.
We can't get the cats trained.
Call your mom, say I love her.
Hey babe while you were working
I cleaned off the sky light.
The roof is still leaking,
but at least we see stars at night.
And the grass grows high
because we're too poor to mow
and we laugh all night
acting out the trees we know.
You put my socks on for me
and I show you new dance moves.
You teach me about edible leaves,
and you help me find my shoes.
We can't afford to fix the floor
So honey let's go for a swim.
Babe the cat is at the door,
he'll howl till he gets in.
And you've been joking all June
that you're going to teach me how to cook
But hey, I can make my favorite foods.
You say we might have ginseng,
I say let's go check the woods.
Kelsey May 2015
We would sit on the steps of the porch
so the sun would warm our legs but spare our eyes.
She would peel potatoes and I would ask her,
where she got that scar
how many boyfriends she has had
how many bones she has broken
if her heart had ever been torn
and how many times and by who
and what was the worst cut she had ever had.
"I don't know Kels. That was all a long time ago."
That always seemed like ******* to me.
How could you not know many people
you have let touch your lips with theirs?
But then I grew.
I grew and I got scraped, and burned
and broken over and over.
I had my heart stolen
and I gave it away again and again.
Every experience just stacked against the other.
So I guess I kind of get what she was saying now.
Kelsey May 2016
Four hours left.
That is just two sets of two hours.
Twenty five five-gallon buckets
Up the ladder, on my tiptoes
I dump ice dramatically into the dispenser.
This motion repeats every four hours.
Two sets of two hours.
That is just four one hours.
I change the Pepsi bibs, and break down boxes.
Ignoring my drenched socks from standing water.
I notice there is an orange Gatorade stain on my khaki shorts.
The stench of mold and un-carbonated soda clings to my skin.
I take a deep breath.
Four sets of one hour.
An hour is just sixty minutes.
I mop the floor. Smiling.
Time to lean is time to clean.
An hour is just two sets of thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes.
That is just two sets of fifteen minutes.
Fill cups. “Are you enjoying your day at the park?”
Back in the confines of the station
The roaring fans make conversation impossible.
Never mind that, I work in solitude.
Fifteen minutes is just three sets of five minutes.
Unwavering heat and blinding sun to match.
My arms are tanned brown until just above the elbow.
Polo shirt tucked in, I am allowed one piece of jewelry.
Five minutes is just five sets of sixty seconds.
And a minute goes by in no time.
Kelsey Nov 2015
When I first fell in love with you
I wrote everything down.
Every word you said, everything we did.
Every place you took or touched me.
I knew that when I lost interest in recording
It would be because I was losing interest in you.
But here four years later,
you have me entertained.
And you gave me a puppy for my birthday.
A little mix breed that I named after your sister.
I convinced myself that when the dog ran away
you would be on her heels leaving me.
But that pup has been gone for three years,
and here you are with me.
And you gave me four red rubber bands
from the produce section of your part time job
to the daily wear on my wrist.
I knew that when they snapped
our love would wither with them.
But the last one died two years ago,
and you just brought home new ones.
And I used to write your name
on the rubber sole of my shoes.
I told myself that as it faded
your interest in me would follow suit.
But last year the rain finally got the best of it,
and now we kind of live together.
So I found a kitten in a trashcan
a flea invested bag of bones.
This was the one
I felt certain.
I would love him and try to heal him
but he would die,
and then you'd be gone too.
But the **** cat he got better
he got big, he got strong, and he loves me.
And looking at him today I think maybe I was right.
He is the perfect metaphor for me and you.
Kelsey May 2015
People thought I moved there
To spend more time with my father
But I moved in to be alone.
So we were just alone together
In the skeleton of what used to
Be our happy family.
He would drink beer
And I would sit on the floor of my room.
He said good night to me every night.
And made me breakfast in the mornings.
Two eggs always. Never failed.
Half of the time I threw them away.
He never said anything when
I tracked in mud,
Or stayed out late.
And he never mowed the yard
Or cleaned the bathroom.
We never cleaned anything.
We never did anything.
Our family’s stuff was piled everywhere,
And they were everywhere but here.
I probably spoke twelve words that whole year.
When I moved out my father told me
He would miss me terribly.
Kelsey Nov 2017
Henry got sent to reform school
after throwing a brick in the neighbors pool.
Got kicked back home at seventeen.
Kicked his brothers any time he pleased.
Taught girls to love him on faded back seats.
Kept reminding his brothers the world can be mean.
Dad punched him in the face,
that's the last we ever saw him.
Saw his brothers last week,
said they missed him, said they'd call him.

Ryan rattled his name like an electric hum
said he never cried, with his mouth around his thumb.
Face covered in freckles, with shifty beady eyes.
Rode the bus one morning with those freckles turned to lines.
He'd hold your hand if you let him
and remind you that he's fine.

Mikey always wanted to spend the night with us.
We told him we were busy from the backseat of the bus.
He said we were his best friends,
could he help our mom around the house?
We told her when he knocked
to tell him we were out.

Last we heard Mike's still working
in the hog barns down the road.
Ryan can't still be five
and I hope Henry's grown old.
Kelsey Jun 2016
I'll always remember it raining
Though it only rained the one time.
We left the door open as it pounded down.
You picked me up when you kissed me,
because you could do that.
You always helped me with my shirt
but handled yours yourself.
And the rain splashed down
on to that old wooden house.
And the only light in the hall
was from the gray of the storm.
We always talked on our trips there.
Big dreams about how we would paint her.
Once we graduated college and you got the job.
And this would be our room,
and we'd put a rug upstairs.
And you would hold me against the wall and kiss me.
And the rain would come down,
sounding like a train on the tin roof.
Our hair on our arms stood against
the static of the storm
and the cool breeze it brought,
and the warmth of our hands.
And when it stopped, and we stopped
we would emerge into the previously submerged world.
Always knowing we'd be back,
always knowing this was home.
Our little farm house in the rain storms.
Kelsey Sep 2014
I can.
Fall True.
Just ******.
A Woman.
I am.
Was wonderful.
The time.
Different things.
Be Holy.
Truly Fascinating.
Not anymore.
Glad too.
I am.
Always different.
So much.
Existing beautifully.

To be.
Is crazy.

Appear strong.
Any less.
I think.
Were true.
So much.
Didn't happen.

The passenger.
How unhealthy.
That way.
Is given.
Very much.
Their heart.
They should.
Life also.
Big decision.

The sky.
You will.
Is right.
To do.
Kelsey Nov 2015
My mother was
a first generation lesbian.
My father,
a first generation divorcee.
His father was the one child
of a public school teacher.
He found my grandmother at 18.
A farm child, one of seven.
A painter, a baker.
My mother's father
a single boy to three sisters.
His aggressive masculinity
kept the line clear and thick.
He found my mother's mother at 17.
A middle of seven Pentecostal children.
A beauty queen, an agoraphobic.
Each had five children.
The door-to-door salesmen/
homemaker and mother of boys duo
bet it all to open a hobby shop.
They were by far the poorest of the
watermelon farming siblings.
They were artists and explorers.
The high school graduate and ladies man,
was a logger before a father.
And the single mother of 25 he left
scarcely left her home at all.
Neither pair made it big.
But they made my father.
A lonely, post middle aged man.
The poorest of his brothers.
A used to be pilot,
and could have been teacher,
a want to be pioneer.
A nuclear family super fan
who never got his way.
And they made my mother.
A nervous, eccentric hippie
who doesn't know how to talk to her siblings.
A woman working her *** off to excel at lower middle class.
A builder, a fighter, a **** good mother.
Even if accidentally so.
She has plans to travel.
He has dreams to live by a lake.
And they made me.
A single girl among three boys.
A quirky, nervous tomboy.
A thinker, a gardener, a climber.
A loser and a dreamer by blood.
Kelsey Jun 2014
I have dreams
Where we have old hands.
Old hands and old faces.
We have withered eyes
From familiar places.
I have memories
Of just your hands,
Of you and I,
And secret plans.
I have frequent thoughts
Of our old talks
So the same
Yet somehow lost.
I have ideas
Of me and you,
Forever misguided,
Just us two.
I have these stories
Inside my head
Books of us
That I hope aren't dead.
Kelsey Dec 2014
He wasn't the only one,
or even the best one.
He just happened to be
the only one
Who could ever
mean the world to me.
Kelsey Oct 2014
Two worlds divided
By a line of sun and rain.
One world filled with laughter,
The other filled with pain.
One world filled with people
Who used to matter most
The other filled with sorrow
and gently weeping ghosts.
A little girl with scars
Sits on the line of gray
Trying to decide
to live in sun or rain.
Her old family weeping,
They miss her touch.
Her new world glowing,
Shining in the sun.
The broken hearts follow her,
And she can't run away.
She is stuck in the sadness.
She is stuck in the gray.
She doesn't want to lose them,
But the sun is so bright.
The other world is cold,
and the wind cuts like a knife.
The young scarred girl must choose
Which world to be a part
The land of sun and gold,
Or the pile of broken hearts.
Finding poems from being fourteen
Kelsey Feb 2016
She was the big dream we all shared.
We snuck in through the windows
and walked through the rooms.
Each claiming one for our selves
or describing how we could use another.
We would lay on the carpet,
playing cards, telling stories,
or most commonly planning.
Planning where the garden would be.
Imagining what the summer nights
would be like with the stars and
the lights from the front porch.
Mixed with the warm air
and the boys playing basketball
in front of the garage.
Maybe we would get a dog.
We would have to refinish the basement.
I wonder if the dishwasher works?
We would be so happy here!
Was said at least once every visit.
Then eventually we would line up
to slide back out the portal we had entered.
Back to being seventeen.
Back to being poor,
back to the trailer for me.
Back to their grandma's for others.
But this quirky, empty house
slowly being engulfed by the earth
she was all  of us.
Purple walls with blue cat prints.
Pentagonal windows knee high on the walls.
Abandoned, weird, but special,
this one dream we all shared.
Kelsey Dec 2014
I close my eyes and I feel it.
I open them and I see it.
In the darkness of my dreams I hear it.
The pounding of my heart.
The choking of my lungs.
The screaming of the crowd,
and I run.
My shoes pound the turf,
as my body scales the Earth.
All the while these people determine my worth.
Even worse it's fun,
so I run.
I feel it in my veins.
The irony of this joyous pain.
I live to do it again and again.
This seems to be who I am,
so I run.
Kelsey Oct 2014
Its strange,
The rules parents make.
"Why is the cup this size?"
I ask,
"if you are only supposed to fill it
halfway with detergent?"
"The full cup is for rich people."
This policy seemed to be true for a lot of things.
Everything is reusable.
I learned this over time.
Although,
after an excited phone call
and a new work wardrobe.
When washing the plastic forks we used for dinner
my mother laughed,
"you don't wash plastic forks."
As though this had been the rule always.
Its strange,
all these new rules
she seemed to know all along.
Kelsey Apr 2017
Three days before you left
you called me beautiful,
which you never do.
One week before you left
you said, I love you so much
its insane.
Three months before you left
we fought about everything
two people could ever think of.
One year before you left
I lay drunk in your arms.
People joked that we were in love
like they always did.
Like we always did.
Kelsey Oct 2016
Please don't touch me.
You don't love me.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not fine.

I know the answer.
I have a question.
Where is the restroom?
I'm losing my mind.

Please never leave me.
Do you even need me?
This is not what I ordered.
I'm losing my mind.
Kelsey May 2015
In my head I saw
the potential life.
The one that included
not just you but I.
You would change
and come with me
and shift and grow
and adjust to being free.
We would explore and create.
I imagined us cooking dinner.
I never said it,
but I couldn't wait.
I liked the thought of us,
both foreign to this place.
Decorating the house,
and learning each others ways.
And these little ideas
they settled comfortably into my brain.
Nothing but snippets of an unspoken plan
that are now nothing but self inflicted pain.
Kelsey Apr 2015
"We are sort of best friends I guess."
"Yeah, we totally are."
"Totally."
"This is all happening really fast."
"You're ******."
"No, I never am."

A brief summary of
every conversation
we ever stammered through.
Besides the awkward first
I love you's
and the last good byes of the evening.
No preference or preconceived ideas.
Always as honest as we were brave enough to be.
Tirelessly battling the quirks that piggyback
a friendship in fast forward.
A terminal one at that.

"Do you think I'm weird?"
"You are what you are."
And somehow there are a million
stories I want to tell.
******* Boonville,
and Demon Bri,
and getting dishes with Minnie Mouse.
How did all of this happen?
We never even had the time.

"I'm going to be alone here."
"You'll find someone."
"I want you."
Hardly even a poem, more of a rant.
Kelsey Dec 2015
I wish I had leukemia,
because then at least
I could explain
while I'm always so tired,
and sick, and moody.
And no one would say
"She's not even trying to get better."
or "She did this to herself."
it would be CANCER.
And then I could die
and people would just cry
instead of saying things like
"She didn't even ask for help."
or "It wasn't even that bad."
At least if I had leukemia
I would be allowed to hurt
and maybe I wouldn't feel
like such **** about it.
Kelsey Dec 2015
If Earth is living,
Breathing, and growing
Just like you and I.
Then it should not be
Sad, scary, or silly
To know that someday
She must die.
Kelsey Mar 2017
The President of drowned immigrants.
President elect of white supremacists.
President of "Climate Change is a hoax."
President of the Muslim registry.
President elect of uneducated ignorance.
Commander and Chief of disability impersonations.
President of Plan Parenthood's funeral.
President of Grab em' by the *****.
President of "Taxes are for losers."
President elect of bear infested schools.
President of the United States of America.
Kelsey Apr 2017
It started on the drive home.
The new car wash in town
was having a grand opening.
Laughing people eating sloppy Joe
while matching faces in red t-shirts beamed,
their hands full of sopping sponges.
I turned and the words spilled out
after one soft spoken drip.
I wish my family owned a car wash together.
Or a stand at the farmers market together.
I imagined barefooted children
helping old women carry watermelons.
I wish we were the type of family to
own a diner together,
and I'd serve on roller skates.
The flood from eyes and mouth began.
Or own a roller rink, with theme nights on Tuesdays.
Or a gas station, or a drive in movie theater.
I couldn't stop.
I wish we owned a family farm
and took silly photos in muddy overalls
after five AM breakfasts together.
Or ran a summer camp, or an antique shop.
I wish we were the kind of family
that walked 5k's for a cure.
Each confession slammed shut with together.
Each dissolved into the air
like a child's dream to walk on stars.
Kelsey Oct 2015
We stopped joking about keeping you
When things got really scary.
We were twenty.
We were students.
We were poor.
And we had dreams to travel the world.
In our pretend life we could make it work.
I was prolife as a teenager.
But things weren't that simple after.
I put off taking the test for weeks.
Dreading the inevitable, you.
But when the strip turned pink
I smiled.
Just that once.
Just to myself.
Then the hard mask of terror took over.
The next few weeks were a blur.
We made the right choice.
But that doesn't mean I didn't love you.
Kelsey Jan 2017
Had I known they were weeds
would I have hated the reeds
that snaked up from the mud floor
changing pond to snarling sea?
Would I have hated the green vines
that wrapped around the gates?
Deemed the yellow flowers ugly,
and despised their honey taste?
Would I have declined the grape vines
that offered Tarzan Swings?
Would I have shushed all the starlings,
and let the cardinals sing?
Would I have ever listened
if told these lives were bad?
Could I have understood
these vines were not to have?
Thrown over the fences
and climbing cabin walls
as a little girl
its hard to tell these things are wrong.
Kelsey Feb 2017
Hey dad did you know
the chicken we keep
locked in the garage
lays brown eggs
in the dusty stacks
of disregarded things?
Did you know I find every one?
A survivalist Easter hunt
in a salmonella **** shed.
You didn't know because
I never told you, for fear
you'd eat them as a joke,
or worse throw them away.
But you left the door open
and she's gone anyway.

Hey dad did you know
my car broke down on 17th street?
You do because I called you
on your way to church at midnight.
You wished me luck.
You'll pray for me.
You gave me the car,
thank you.

Hey dad did you know
that I once used
your hand made birthday card
to stop the bleeding of a neighbor boy
who thought your Scottish swords were fake?
No you don't because you weren't home.

Hey dad do you realize
you voted against me this year?
I lost my insurance last week.
You do know, but do you care?
You keep saying that you love me.
You yelled at all my races.
Asked for prayers when I had surgery.
Learned the names of all my friends.
Read my poetry when I was 13.

But hey dad did you know
that was never what I needed?

I needed a dad that didn't
have the nerve to joke
about how I made
new families with my dolls,
and friends when I was older.
I needed a dad who instead of
acting like his family was taken from him
kept his together.

And smaller things too.
I needed money for school.
I needed doctor visits.
I need my insurance now, dad.
I needed food, and a dad
who picked me up from school.

And a dad that instead of praying for me
raised me like my life wasn't broken,
raised me like I didn't always owe him.
A rant about losing my insurance.
Kelsey Mar 2018
My dad caught me making tampons
From duct tape and toilet paper.
Sat me down and said,
He’s proud of me,
But I shouldn’t have to do this.
He’ll make sure
I have the things I need.
My smirk stares straight past him.
The things I need.
When dad is away we brush our teeth with alcohol.
We mix sugar into water
For our breakfast.
I’ve cleaned wounds with Clorox wipes.
Our medieval, dusty medkit shows no mercy.
We rubbed leaves into our ****** knees
And pretended
That we knew what the **** we were talking about.
With lies about what “elders” taught us.
Or maybe it was just me?
Maybe it was just me
Who curled up on the hearth
Shaking while my shins melted,
Filling the hole under my ribcage
With my fists.
While the kitten froze to death
Under a leaky water pipe.
The things we need.
Maybe it was just me
Who kept living like a refugee,
Or felt I ever was one?
Using one shelf of five assigned to me,
A bag of food packed under the bed
Long into my first years of college.
Living without when things ran out.
Embracing the word “gone”
As a new way of living.
Steak dinners from my father all the while.
Money for band t-shirts?
Ask your mother.
But new sound systems,
Let’s start a farm,
Adopt a sister,
And travel the country
Eating at only old diners.
The things we need.
The things we need.
Kelsey Feb 2017
The lights were supposed to be a barrier.
Like salt for a snail,
like the sun for a vampire.
The warm white rope
casting a spell like a mother's womb.
But no no no not here.
A light house beacon and they clamored
like tripod aliens on a crusade.
Leaving my brother shaking as he stands
in plaid boxers with one sock on.
His body weight rests on that foot
the other too vulnerable for touch down.
Are they off me? Are they off me?
He can't stop yelling it,
though I'm pretty sure it was just one.
Its the cold hour of the night
where everything is grim and surreal.
Our skin is pulled tight from our austere faces
and bones poking out.
I am nine and he is eight,
but he's always cried easier.
His clothes had been stripped off so quickly
I know they don't need shaking.
I turn them in, back out, and shake them.
They're off you, brother.
He's embarrased, and wipes his face
as he pulls his shirt down to cover his skinny hips.
Next we shake everything.
A bait and switch and the lights are piled in the corner.
The needle monsters clamor to them as though possessed.
Their radiator humming is unnerving and peaceful.
Teeming is the word to describe it.
Their own Utopia.
They won the war,
we sleep unsoundly, swollen, in the darkness.
Kelsey Apr 2016
We had to drown the puppies
Because the mother wouldn't feed them,
Because they had sores and they were bleeding,
Because we could find nothing that would eat them.
Caked in mud not fit for feeding,
Because their mother had stopped cleaning.
Besides we had nowhere we could keep them,
Because there was no one to feed us
And no one to help us clean up
And no one there to teach us
That this burden didn't need us
Or that this shame would never leave us.
That this wasn't ours to fix up.
But we'd been lost in the mix up.
Always waiting to get picked up,
While the trouble only kicked up.
Too heavy for two kids to lift up.
So we had to do it.
We drown the puppies.
Kelsey Apr 2017
I swung from trees
on homemade knots
to kiss you on the cheek.
While you built rotten tables
and we grew up to be thieves.
You told me you would build our house
when from mine we would sneak.
You said you'd fix the broken boat
in the field where we would meet.
Campfires dulled the stars
but it was the only light we'd need.
We both kept our virginity
too scared to even sleep.
You called me beautiful and perfect
even though I wouldn't eat.
Your dad always cut your hair short
but you knew I liked it curly.


Wind blown hair from dusty drives
getting lost on winding roads.
I never listened to your jokes
and we never stole the boat.
Kelsey Dec 2015
Mismatched socks and baggy t-shirts
we bumble down the stairs.
We sit Indian style in our chairs.
Mother busies herself between
the table and the stove.
We're having pancakes
shaped like Mickey Mouse.
And we're talking.
She asks about our dreams.
Little brother is four
and he dreamt about race-cars.
She smiles and listens
"What did you dream Garrett?"
The sun shines bright into the kitchen,
he blushes at the attention.
"I can't remember I'm too sleepy."
He' so beautiful,
its all so beautiful.
Then its my turn.
I talk fast and with purpose
I dreamt about trampolines.
Everyone listens
and then we eat pancakes.
Just an average Saturday morning,
family breakfast.
Because we were a family.
Kelsey Aug 2014
I guess I thought when I stopped time,
It would do the same for you as well.
I thought if I stayed waiting,
That I would keep you held.
I figured that we meant our words
And wanted what we said.
I never thought this distance
Could put those plans to death.
I thought when I sat alone
That your life mirrored mine.
I considered love to be our secret word.
I am such a child.
I felt that when my eyes slid closed
Your world also went dark.
I thought we were on the same page,
Although so far apart.
I thought when I stopped time
That it would mean the same for you.
Alone but together,
But I guess that wasn't true.
Kelsey Nov 2016
You asked
What being fourteen felt like.
Well,
It feels like when your teacher drops all of her papers
In the parking lot after school
And it’s windy and you help her pick them up
Chasing down every last one.
And then in class you help her erase the board sometimes.
But still,
When someone plays a prank
Her eyes are on you.
Because your parents are divorced.
And your brother was a troublemaker.
But was he?
He’s been diagnosed,
They call it autism now.
And so you TP her house
Just proving that she’s right
Because after three years in her class
She still can’t spell your name right.
And it’s an easy one.
And then she holds you after class
Because someone stole her stapler
And you’ve never stolen anything
In your whole life
And you don’t know why she’s asking you.
But you do.
So you spray paint her garage
And the whole school knows it’s you.
There aren’t any other suspects.
Because they know that your mom
Doesn’t even believe in God
And they’re pretty sure
You don’t either.
So then you’re standing in her yard
And for some reason the cop that drove you there
Left his lights flashing across the lawn.
And she’s saying things like
I don’t know why this happened.
I’ve always been nice to her.
She needs someone to look out for her.
The adults nod along and she says to you now
If you ever want to come to my house
We can talk or bake cookies and hang out.
And you laugh because you want to cry
Because she’s talking for the cop
As red lights flash across her garage
But you hope she means it.
And you write her a note saying
I’m sorry
And I’d love to come make cookies
But she never writes you back
And she never calls on you in class.
And her son is younger than you
But still he pushes you in the hallways
So you’re even meaner to him.
And now it’s not just her
that knows that you’re a bad kid.
And still sometimes you help her erase the chalkboards.

That’s what being fourteen feels like.
Kelsey Dec 2016
Little brown girl
with little brown feet
caked with mud
and tangled in reeds.
Little lovely lady
with callous on her soles
over thorns, and rocks
and hot concrete
only barefoot she would go.
And then one day,
I'm not sure why,
She gave a pair of shoes a try,
and since then there's been a change.
She wished barefoot goodbye.
Now she's shoes in summer.
Shoes in snow.
She's growing up,
shoes let you know.
Kelsey Dec 2014
Love seems to be
the only thing
I ever feel.
Whether it be heartbreak
or sprouting of new love.
It seems to marinate
in every bit I write.

And now
you put that all to shame.
I wish
I had never scrawled of love
before I learned your name.
I wish I had never before
Told tales of love and pain.
If it were up to me
My first written word would be your name.
Because ever since I've loved you babe
nothing has been the same.

If I could have it my way,
every kiss that ever left my lips
would be passed directly off to you.
If I had my say on things,
From the start
I'd have you every day.


Love seems to be
the only thing
I feel when I see you.
I want to compare you
to the most beautiful sounds
that ever soothed the earth.
Or the coolest water,
such as that as that cliff
where you took me,
on what should have been
our last day.

But you are better
than anything I can think
better than this
horrible explanation
better than any
love I have ever felt
for anything.
You are my everything.
I'm sorry I can't tell you.
Kelsey Jun 2016
I proved myself right.
Not that it matters.
Its not what I wanted.
Now there's no locking eyes,
half a decade later
we're still ******* haunted.
Still disappointed,
though I thought I was helping
you were berated, endlessly taunted.
So then yeah it happened.
It happened, you ****** up
because all my comments.
And yes I still love you,
and yes I'm still proud.
But its not what we wanted.
I should have been more supportive,
instead of always reminding
that this world is so daunting.
Should have been more there for you
should have helped you get through it
instead of mindlessly talking.
And now that we're older,
I'd love to sit and talk this over.
Not that you've offered.
Love you sister.
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