as if

i needed to remember
the body’s hunger

or the blood’s message
or the vacancy of my neon soul

the devil returns
to the pool of my last resort

and reminds me

and

from the moment our eyes meet like the ancient barrels of god’s lost guns i am overcome by a feeling so watershed so copernican so bubblegum stretched so meat wrenched from bone that i think this is enough to **** someone and then i think it has killed someone because suddenly i’m underwater or i’m above water or the whole world has turned to water and it’s tilting against the horizon like a silent body of need and the devil is there and the devil has a small boat and the devil whistles good crying songs and when he throws me a life raft its not that i feel safe or saved or even admired in my suffering but instead there is a church inside me there is lightning inside me there is a hallway inside me so liminal i think it must have been born in the city of dreams and i think it must lead somewhere primordial in its darkness somewhere wet somewhere deep somewhere dead from the hunger and awaiting reanimation so i climb into the small boat and my shyness is an amputation and it fills the sky with blood and i ask the devil if god doesn’t stop us now how long will it take to get back to shore

god says
this has always been my favorite zoo. and i'm not gonna lie, it kind of ****** me off. but i don't say anything. i don't cry. it's raining. the air smells like smoke. i think i see fire. we're wearing matching raincoats, and there is a veil of mistrust between us. i'm trying to look for the animals but god won't stop staring at me. *******, i say, and god says, shut up. don't get mad at me. i don't even live here. i'm just a tourist. and, whatever. i get it. things are complicated and i don't know what to do with my anger. i turn my back on god. i hear popguns, i say. that's thunder, god says. god drinks loudly from a plastic cup. where did you get that, i ask, and god points at a food stand. this makes me cry. i notice god's zoo t-shirt, god's key chain, god's new sunglasses. stop buying things, i tell god. you don't know what it does. god looks confused. i didn't buy anything, god says. they just give me stuff. this makes me cry harder. god looks at me like i'm crazy. maybe i am crazy. the zoo is on fire, i tell god, and i sound crazy. no it's not, god says, and points at the food stand again. they're just cooking. i don't believe this. the veil parts like a curtain. i stop crying. it stops raining. i take god's cup and it's full of blood. i touch god's shirt and it's made of skin. i wear god's sunglasses and they make things look... different. why did they give you these, i ask god. god shrugs. god drinks. god looks good in skin. i don't know, god says, but you can't see the animals without them.

i tell god if this doesn’t **** me i’ll do something with my life and god is understandably skeptical i’ve made bad deals before but i mean it this time i tell god i’m thirty one years old i’m handshy i’m pretty enough for two and i know i haven’t done anything about any of that and i know i don’t always act like it but right now i’m scared and i have nobody to tell i’m scared and i wonder what i’ve been doing for all this time i mean what have i been doing for all this time was i waiting for the poverty to let up like summer rain was i waiting for the city man to enter frame and smile at the camera no i wasn’t i was writing poems and i was drinking and i was smoking but mostly i was writing poems i was writing poems i gave away like kittens like kittens with miserable bones and a language that can only speak to language and god i guess i’m not that scared but i am sad and i’m sad for being sad and i feel so dumb i feel such a sense of loss i feel it in my mouth like an omen like my little life given body and when it dies i am reminded things can be wasted

what’s it like, god asks.

god, who will never know blood. who will never know meat. who will never wake, one day, teething. animalic. mawed

i don’t know, i say.

i’m not honest. chimeric, my body coils around a clutch of eggs. i will test their shells, one by one, with the tip of my most solemn tooth

before i remember what i am.

i need to go home, i tell the angel. you are home, the angel says.
and i am.
this is the trailer i died in. glowing like god’s throat, a hallway
crawls before us.
at the end, a snake.
biggest snake i’ve ever seen.

the summoning

dream, not dream. does it matter. light a match. should your match fail, don’t light another. just leave. otherwise, approach the window silently. you will see your reflection. your reflection will see you. you are allowed one word. your reflection is allowed two. use this time wisely. if, when your match dies, you see a beast beyond the glass? know. know it’s yours; know you did this. prepare the blood and go outside

i fear
i’ve given you too much. i don’t know how much i’ve given. i fear anyway. i fear i’ve been a bad mother. i mean, i fear i wasn’t good. i mean, i fear i wasn’t god. was i. was i god enough. did i make you immortal. did i think, did i bleed, did i give you life. did i make a monster. a starving, long tooth-d, hollow claw-d monster. i hope so. you can eat me. i’ll regrow my soul. i’ve done it before. there are no instructions, but once, years ago, the angels ate the whole thing. they carried it away in their mouths. they carried it for days. they carried it for months. they uttered no prayers for fear of losing me. fear. losing me. i fear losing me. i fear the chew. i fear being digested. being **** out and then forgotten. that’s not what immortal means. how many souls do we get

adam and eve try to find heaven. along the way they go camping. when night falls adam begins to cry. later, adam says he can't tell if eve is a princess or an alien. eve is less confused. adam is the seed in her throat. the watch on her wrist. she doesn't think they need heaven. she won’t admit it.

tea party in the city of dreams. the table is dressed in guts. jars of fireflies. my earring is the devil. it speaks. i am a woman. there are snakes in my belly. my virginity has regrown. dog-dark and dog-hungry. gathered, before me, a horned god; a trembling fawn; my mother. i am to tell their fortunes. the snakes in my belly are mating. the devil burns my ear. the city of dreams is on fire. i crawl onto the horned god’s lap and begin to cry