When you're so sick of pills
You think you might need pills
To fix the pounding, the pulsing of your brain
You're so sick
The treatment hasn't worked in years
And you say you're dead inside and out
Get therapy, kid
Get help
Gosh just get with it

she's yelling in the bathroom
irrelevant complaints, conversations in full bloom
my ears are bleeding
I'm surprised the neighbors can't hear my head screaming
eyes open to singing, music pouring in through the cracked door
I swear, six more months, I won't be able to take it anymore

Escape the silent screech on walls
in the darkness, hiding down halls
run while you can into the night
fore if you stay there's sure to be--
fright

Flee from the monsters under your bed
and from the ones locked inside your head
disappear now, before its too late
fore if you stay you might not like your--
fate

losing grip in this relationship
we've covered a lot of ground for a pair that lacks traction
heat, sure, we're made of nothing but friction

You made me float through days
lost in a haze
I almost let it all go
and nobody knows
I think its kind of sad
that we turned out to be
noting more than stories
that won't be passed on
from me or you
to anyone

A tongue stamped tatooo
Branded deep behind her teeth
A name to swallow

Snow cloaks the ground, lies coat the truth
lights on the front porch, tomorrow's forecast is dim
here we can pretend that I understand
what it is you mean as you say
don't wait up for tonight, or the nights that follow next
or even future days
the weather won't stop changing
and my life's written in seasons
of ever turning, never-ending
snowy revelations
where I'll put together pieces
set aside the springs
before I cast out, no,
catch my every fall

I can't get rid of anything.
books I'll never read borrowed from my sister
worn navy-blue middle school band t-shirts
grandmother's photo albums of adventures I look at once every half decade
a spider-man lamp I plugged in maybe once
three different digital cameras dating back before 2007
white rose, silver ribbon dried flower corsage from senior prom
two can openers... I can't explain this one
memory jar of trinkets and treasures collected in single digit years
ten scarves cluttering my wall that I will definitely wear "one day"
cleats for who knows what sport
the orange nev surfboard from my uncle. I don't know how to surf.
Marshmallow, the ratty threadbare cat with the pink velvet nose
quarter collection--why haven't I spent yet?
store bought seashells, metro cards, old medications, empty make-up bottles, broken jewelry and flats a half size too big
Baggage.

You're depressed.
You say I'd know.

You're depressed you say.
I'd know.

She said it happened this week
Doesn't remember the day
The night
The events leading up
She said it was in his car
He didn't force her
They didn't stop
She said they won't talk anymore
It won't happen again
She said they don't talk anymore
She said she's been passive before
Not like this
She doesn't care what they say
What they do
What they want
She remembers the drive home
The days that followed
She said it was only one time
He liked her
He cared about her
She said she believed it
She said she's okay








She said not to tell

People whisper when they walk
I hear them
Thoughts, secrets under their breath
Opening themselves up to the world
Because they think no one is listening
They hum, the brave ones sing a tune
Muttered memories
They didn't intend to share aloud
And I hear them

I don't care what you have to say
as long as you say it to the right person this time

I am the high school posters that hung on your wall
Becoming irrelevant with time
A girl of a different era
I can only hope that you hesitate when taking them down

I've got dead lines
thoughts that scare me half to death
lined with silver
strange to think that I'll be dead
lined with the years wrinkling my face and skin

I didn't realize it was possible to be present
sitting in front of you
and still miss everything
you shared with someone else
who held a formal title.
I self identified as the friend
but its hard to step into a role
when I had been mislabeled all along.

The things I whisper to myself:
You are not entitled to my thoughts
You have no jurisdiction over my actions
You cannot control my emotions
and yet,
I have to apologize to myself in secret for apologizing to you out loud.

If the sky is crying I will too

You know,
some days I just feel
alone and fat
Today was one of those days.

I just want you to know that someone loves me, even if it isn’t me right now.

Because it’s been months or years
since you or him
and I don’t know if there will ever be an us in my future
but the mechanical thunder of my air conditioning unit sparks up conversations with the air more efficiently than I can ever hope to develop such a skill in this life time
and that’s my reality when I wake up every morning dreading the day
things stop working out
and I finally listen to more than three artists and achieve
all of the hopes and aspirations
I’m capable of but haven’t conjured up in my mind to set my sights on and work towards with every sliver of my essence as I did with convincing someone else I’m worthy of not only their love but my own.

I woke up energized in the middle of the night
Maybe it was the coffee or maybe it was our fight
I couldn't fall back asleep with my thoughts of you so vivid

Our every last connection has finally now been severed
I replay the way you yelled at me and spat into my face
But every way you hurt me leaves no visible mark or trace
I try to stay strong, play my little game of pretend

And I know I need to stop this, we need to reach an end
I think of this as I lay there, my heart not meant for you to keep
I think I'll say goodbye forever, but it can wait until tomorrow
I close my heavy eyelids, knowing that I can finally sleep

Here we are, a new match
Going head to head
New opponent
Same arena
Fists long gone
The bruises stay
Knocked down in the second round
Sucker punched
Testing combos
Left hooked
In the chest
Oxygen deprived
Land another hit
Create the only stars I see
Men, they fall
Make contact
With the mat, maybe
Wrap my hands
And this story
Let's see how long I last

my body is deteriorating
faster than my thoughts of you

I miss the buzz of staying up late
not being lonely
but unable to drift off to anything other than thoughts of you
when I woke up with a smile on hectic days
of 8AM classes and long work shifts
enough to know I'd get ten minutes in your company
hiding within your confidence
I miss knowing what it was like to be treasured
getting home late after hours on the couch
learning every ounce of you
captured in my memories
I've never smiled so much
as I did in those photos
where everywhere was ours
before custody battles for secret places
I consciously avoid
attitudes that I know are long forgotten
will I ever hold something tangible again?
instead of coffee thoughts with no one to share them with
breakfast in a corner booth, lunch and dinner too
in bed at a reasonable time
wasting hours on my phone
no new notifications, not from you
not from anyone
I'll just keep on scrolling
looking at new suggestions never willing to admit to desperation through the act of a leftward swipe.

I love him
I love him
I love him she says

butterflies and rainbows occupy
the imaginations in her head
but he doesn’t need her for the world
to be filled with magic

But I don't even know anymore,
am I filling holes in the walls
or painting white splotches on blue skies?
It's all subject to the opinions of passerby

sleep is for the week
a fortnight is never strong
in fact its too weak

house of lions, cave of killers
pacts in blood, souls signed over
give me pardon, pass me up
cast me from a towering throne
turn my back on a kingdom
hardly valued more than bones
built on turned coin
the backs of its people
little more than dust

Another Saturday spent wallowing in self-pity or in other words
in an empty house
Viewing independent off-beats I know you wouldn’t recognize
and still
I watch the driveway counting headlights as cars pass
Would you hate me if I said I didn’t want to see any facing me?
I swear if we go bowling one more time I’ll lose my mind
Solitude as my surroundings
I’ll eat prepackedged desserts and drink too many sodas
I doubt you even know that
Chocolate ice cream messes with my stomach
Irrelevant, I’m sure
Why does it matter if I mow the lawn tomorrow instead of right now?
Hanging self imposed deadlines over my head will get you nowhere
But as you know, it’s just another weekend at the Johnson residence.

the same costume every year
who needs a better excuse to done a cape and feel heroic?
saves me beyond October 31st
doesn't depend on masks
a marvel to behold
an even better stronghold of security
she lets me in but holds fast to a double life

Take a sip
Lean back casually
Open arms
Lazy smile of warm complacency
Allow eyes to dance captivating
Enough to cloak the cracks to the left
Focus on my pleasantries
If I pay them no mind it will be enough
Outsiders drift attention
No no no don’t look behind the curtain
Ask me another question I don’t care enough to craft a real answer
Two ears for a reason
conversations to follow
Face forward failing to distract
Another church scene ruined
The crowd thins
Voices of hysteria rise
Broken
Judgement
Take another sip
I’ve lost count

As usual, I am getting over you like a cold

A paradox of choice
I feel inspired, if not lost to total isolation
moments spent wandering overcome those of wondering
I'm only me eight hours to the day
my options dwindle as accomplishments grow

Tall, lanky smiling edge lord blessed with hair gifted to him from the gods
Hides his voluminous locks everyday under a hat
He’s nautical
Sweaters.
Thinks with his heart and not his head
The way he stops abruptly to gasp
(It’s more of a squeal)
Is he hurt or did he see a dog?
they melt his heart
(It melts mine)
Dreams of a family
His own to love
A child with special needs
Drinks chocolate milk with any meal
Texts me anytime there’s a sunset worth watching
(Which is every night)
Plans road trips around them
Aspiring musician in secret
Buys presents weeks prior to Christmas for everyone
expects none in return
Scowls with sarcastic delight
laughing at my jokes
(Ok I stole them from him)
“You better believe it!”
Poor taste in hockey teams
(Seriously, he likes the senators)
The senators
Such a goofball
Don’t be fooled, he’s a
Romantic
He met me when I was alone

But I know he was lonely too.

maybe I miss you
but if I'm honest with you
I'm too busy to be lonely

So quick to judge another
Are but a decision away
From sharing their struggle

If I took down the moments around me
in words or with fists
challengers would no doubt arise

For once in my life
not knowing
has become more comforting
than worrying

I toe lines that I probably shouldn't
drawn into the sand
my soles are burning
rubber melts to the ground
on which I stand
stride or step
I cross over
every time.