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Katrina Jul 2014
i sit here in the hospital.
watching you.
watching death take over you.
it feels as though there's a hand grabbing my heart
squeezing it and tearing it apart thread by thread
every ounce of me drained out
watching someone who's not ready to be dead
*dying
Katrina Sep 2014
You hold me tighter than I've ever been held before.
Your finger tips emit electric waves over my bare skin.
The skin on my jawline buzzes with your hand's warmth.
Electric shocks sent straight to my heart.
Your lips touch mine
My whole body's buzzing with that same electric current.
I'm helplessly weak in your strong arms.
My body has began to melt.
In the warmth
Of your electric love.
Katrina Jan 2015
You told me you never wanted me
Dismissed me like an animal
I'm not a thing
Stop acting like I don't have worth
At some point you'll stop breaking me
At some point I'll become numb again
I try so hard
To be enough for you
But I never will be
I know you're just "pushing me"
But it hurts
Your expectations hurt me
Because I will never be enough for you
No matter how hard I try
Katrina Jul 2014
I pretend like I'm ok.
I tell people that my pain has made me strong.
In a way it has.
I  pretend that I don't care.
I pretend like it doesn't bother me when someone hates me.
I pretend like I don't care when people call me ugly.
I pretend like I'm so strong that no matter what happens I wont crack.
I pretend like I'm invincible.
But behind my fake smile, my fake laugh, my fake attitude...
It still hurts.
at the end of the day my knees still tremble when I'm scared,
my eyes still tear up at the thought of him
my heart still hurts when I don't feel loved
and my head still spins when something goes wrong.
I put up a brave front for everyone around me including myself
but just like you,
I'm cracked too
Katrina Jan 2015
I have a crazy fear
Of never being good enough.
Always just one step away
Just a little less than I need to be.
Because I've spent my entire life being told I'm not
There's always something to improve
Something new to strive for
Something I have to make myself into
Someone new to impress
I've never been good enough for anyone
And never will be
Because no matter how much I pretend
I'm still not good enough
For even myself
Katrina Jul 2014
For 9 months,
You broke my heart.
The cut was so deep,
I swear to god I could actually feel it.
You put me through agony.
I couldn't breathe.
I constantly felt like puking.
I stopped eat.
Nothing was worth it anymore.
You had left.
And I had taken to crying myself to sleep.
Until today.
I texted you with tears burning in my eyes.
I needed to know why.
And you told me.
After 9 months,
I have my life back.
Thank you,
For giving me peace of mind.
And finally,
Setting me free of you.
Katrina Sep 2014
You take away the pain.
You took all my broken pieces and put them back together.
You fixed me.
You make me happy.
You give me reason:
To live
To learn
To love myself
To care
You're my glue
You hold me together
Katrina Jun 2014
I say goodbye
And tears fill my eyes

I mean it this time
You have to pay for your crime

You broke me
There's no more "we"

I can't turn around now
I don't know how

I held on for so long
But now it's all wrong

You have to leave me be
So the demons can set me free
Him
Katrina Jun 2014
Him
Deep in the night when I think I'm finally happy.
He's there reminding me that I'll never find true happiness without him.
In the early mornings when I feel almost alive inside.
He's there reminding me I will never fully live without him by my side.
When I walk down an empty road trying to find my way home.
He's there to remind me I will never be alone with the memory of him living inside me.
His beautiful smile.
His eyes that shine bright when the meet with mine.
His playful humor that always made me feel warm inside.
The strength of his arms wrapped tightly around my waist.
It's all gone.
But his memory lives on.
Katrina Nov 2014
him
The way he puts the stars in my eyes
Like they don't belong in the sky
The way he takes away my insecurities
Like a parent takes away toys from a child
The way he looks into my eyes
Like he's never seen anything more beautiful
The way he loves me
Like there's no other better than me
The way his lips melt into mine
Like crayons in a dryer
The way he makes me feel
Like no other before has
The way he takes all my pain away
Like there never was any
The way that he talks to me
Like I'm the most interesting person ever
his love sets me free
Katrina Aug 2014
He knows about my past,
yet still wants to be my future.
He's seen my crazy side,
yet still treats me like a princess.
He knows my random intolerances,
yet still calls me sweetie.
He's seen me without makeup,
yet still says I'm beautiful.
He knows my insecurities,
yet claims that I'm the "best".
He could have any other girl,
yet still chooses me.
Because unlike me he sees my imperfections perfectly.
Katrina Jun 2014
I remember the pain.
I remember crying my self to sleep every night for months.
I remember not being able to breathe when I thought of you.
I remember comparing everything to you.
I remember pretending I was happy.
I remember realizing nothing would ever be the same.
I remember remembering our love.
I remember figuring out I would never stop loving you.
And I still haven't.
You have the greatest power over me.
I would do anything for you.
Always have.
Always will.
You wouldn't do the same for me.
Never have.
Never will.
But I still love you
Because I remember
Who you are.
Who you were.
I remember the look on you face after our first kiss.
I remember the beating of your heart when I laid my head against your chest.
I remember the warmth of your body against mine in the cold autumn air.
I remember the taste of your lips.
I remember the sparkle of your eyes.
Most of all I remember what it felt like to love you and have you truly love me back.
Katrina Jun 2014
I thought I had it all again.
I thought I removed the pain.
I found a new guy.
One who treats me right.
I got a new best friend.
I cut you out.
I cut out my old best friend too.
Then my friends leave my side
And I look at myself in the mirror
And realize.
What I thought I had, it's all fake.
I don't love him.
I love you.
I don't have friends.
I'm too much of a *****.
I thought I cut out the pain but it grew back stronger.
Like it always does.
I thought I figured it out but things don't change,
They never do.
Now I'm stuck here
Without even you.
Katrina Jun 2014
I’ve learned that nobody will believe in you until you believe in yourself first.
I’ve learned that you won’t always understand everything,
but that doesn’t mean you should give less effort.
I’ve learned that true beauty isn’t defined by a size 0 waist or pretty eyes,
the purity of your heart is the only thing that shows your true beauty.
I’ve  learned that nobody has the power to control you.
You are in charge of weather you're holding yourself back or pushing yourself forward.

I’ve learned that you only get back what you put out,
if you treat others horribly you’ll be treated the same way in return.
I’ve learned that true friends are there for you when things go wrong with a shoulder to cry on.
I’ve learned that some of the best moments in life can’t be explained with words alone.
I’ve learned that good things do NOT come to those who wait,
but to those who work hard to make the good things for themselves.

I’ve learned that anyone can say they love you,
but only a few actually mean it.
I’ve learned that you waste your time regretting your past,
it’s better to learn from it.
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you look up to the most let you down the most.
I’ve learned to look at people as works of art,
beautifully unique and incomprehensibly delicate.

I’ve learned that taking chances lead to the best memories.
I’ve learned that pain is temporary,
until you let it live inside you.
I’ve learned to laugh at myself when I mess up.
I’ve learned to never take anything you have for granted,
because when you do it always slips through your fingers before you can appreciate it.

I’ve learned to love myself even when it feels like nobody else does.
I’ve learned that words are beautiful when used correctly,
but can also break people if you don’t use them right.
I’ve learned that when there’s no one else in your life you can always count on family.
But most of all I’ve learned that life is a magnificent balancing act of our experiences and our perspective that make us who we are.
Katrina Jun 2014
His hand in mine,
We lay on the soft green grass,
Watching the clouds,
In the shade of a big oak tree.
He looks at me like I put the clouds we're watching into the sky.
He calls me beautiful like it's my name.
He doesn't understand what this does to me.
I melt in his arms.
He melts too.
We melt together into one.
It feel as though it was meant to be.
Not him and I.
Not me and him.
Us.
Melted into each other.
Watching the clouds.
Hands intertwined.
Like it's meant to be.
Katrina Jun 2014
My horrible daydream
That's what you were
You were mystical and magical
You gave me thrills
You distracted me from the bad
You gave me something to believe
But then you let it all crash down
I saw the truth
You caused me pain
Pain so horrible
I can't explain
I cry and cry
To let the poison out
But it won't leave me
I want to shout
You can't hear my screams
I bury the sounds deep inside
Where the hopes of my future lay down to die
Katrina Apr 2015
Let the rain kiss your skin
Let its salty residue heal your pains
As its beauty engulfs you
Let go
Of the people and things
That hold you captive.
As the clouds release their tears
Do the same with yours.
Let go
Of the worries the consume you
The work that burdens you
Push it off your shoulders
And throw your arms in the air
Let go
Let the natural dance take over
Let the rain lead you
Back to yourself
Let go
Let the rain kiss your skin
Let its salty residue heal your pains
She
Katrina Oct 2014
She
She spent her whole life exploring
At age 3 it was dirt.
At age 5 it was bugs.
At age 10 it was animals.
At age 12 it was the world.
And at 14 it was boys.
She spent her whole life learning.
She was a genius.
But she never understood him.
Her hand never fit in his.
He "loved" her
But he never really cared.
She was never held tight enough.
Always kept her needing a bit more.
He left her.
Yet she still loved him.
She spent her whole life changing.
For everyone other than herself.
When he left she realized
She wasn't who SHE wanted to be
So she made herself even more beautiful
And then she met someone new
Someone even more beautiful than she
One who's body fit hers perfectly
One who held her just so
One who truly did care
On who loved her
And this one?
Well he never left
He stayed by her side till the end
Katrina Nov 2014
It's so ugly she says
The wrinkles on my face
I look so old.
I turn my head to where she sits
She's sipping a red wine that makes her skin start to splotch
And I notice the creases in her face
And realize they tell a story
Her story
A story that gives me hope
Because her face,
Despite the horrible things that happened in her life,
Shows happiness
She's not old
She's not wrinkled
She's not defined by her age
She's define by her character
And she's beautiful
Katrina Jan 2015
What if I'm not enough
What if he gets bored
Like so many others have
What if I don't make him happy
What if he stops loving me
What if I'm alone again
What if he breaks my heart
What if I hurt
So bad that he can't fix it
What if this time I don't get back up
What if he leaves
What if it's not real
Katrina Feb 2015
You're my whiskey
You warm me up when you're here
You keep me buzzing and happy for awhile
But once you left my system
I was left confused
Dazed
And with an aching head
So breathe into me your intoxicating love
Or leave for good
Because I can't bare
To constantly be recovering from you

— The End —