Nothing is more inviting than your warmth when it's negative degrees outside,
even when that warmth is my phone and the sound of you breathing into yours

when someone goes to heaven
you forget they are there
you forget you cannot call them up
because all you will get is their voice mail, if you're lucky

when someone goes to heaven
you lose a part of you
you lose a certain spark that only they could ignite

when someone goes to heaven
things are not the same
things cannot go on the way they did
even though you had just forgotten
that they cannot text you back
and make you laugh they way they always did

you used to fall asleep so close to your phone I could feel your breaths on my end
I slept so peacefully it was like you were here tapping on your keyboard, singing me to sleep in sentences I would not read until the morning
days come and go but love does not and even if you sleep farther away from your phone now i still picture your computers dim light when I wake up at three in the morning when you wake me to ask me "are you okay"

i probably own enough t shirts
to wear a different one every day of the month
the problem is-
so many of them remind me of you
(or, maybe, have been borrowed from you)
that i sleep with them every night as if
you were next to me hugging me as tight
as that little grey sweater you gave me
for a week (about a month ago)
the problem is even though i have a vast selection of shirts-
there is a void just as big i have to stuff them in so that
you are here with me, always

if you've never watched the snowfall
you wouldn't know how meticulous and precious the experience can be
but i promise nothing is more gentle than the feeling of your hand skimming my body in the middle of the night like we are two magnets and all we know how to do is attract
though i know you've watched the snowfall-
probably more times than i can count on each of my fingers and toes and that means you know just how much it means that you know the spots to touch just like the snow knows the spot to fall
what i'm trying to tell you is that the snow is precious and gentle and awe-inspiring and almost nothing could compare to it but you dear

i know i cannot give you the blood from my body to make you family to mine but we can always lend you helping hands and if you'd like
we always have an extra bed but i'm sure you'd much rather sleep with safety than the dark and i understand you are the way you are because you were raised to be great
even if that meant in the wrong ways you grew up to outshine the sun and radiate rays for it you grew up stronger than i could ever hope to be
but what i do hope to be is your world i want to give back to you flowers that were destroyed ages ago and a house that holds love i wanna make everything feel okay again because i promise you
it will be okay again and even if it is not right now i know time is on our side
your side
i am on your side and i promise until the day my hand can no longer hold yours i will help you give back the job of the sun so you can feel more like yourself more at home more like a brand new car than one with the wheels falling off i will help you wipe off your windshield because you deserve to see what a beautiful job you did helping the sun and that all my promises were meant for something more than just something to look forward to
i promise you
you are doing good
and i am so proud

writing of something attached to you is a simple thing;
i could tell a story all about my arms and how they are the sweetest things-
picking me up, stopping me from falling and helping me feed myself
sometimes i even lay my head on them and i fall asleep
it's simple because it's like a home
and six months ago you became a part of that home
a part of this human being with arms i sleep on and legs figured out i could open door handles with;
a whole entire section of me that keeps safety on the ceiling and happiness in all the cobwebs
a home within a home
experiencing love and wanting it became two different things quickly
i never knew love was so gently wrapped up between
"hey andy i hate you" and "hey kate go **** yourself"
but there it was
i guess it does come in all shapes and sizes

six months is a long time
to figure out where you can lay on another persons arm
and that you like the way they curl their feet while sitting;
that sometimes you slur your words and don't say the last parts of them
and other times you even decipher my backwards language that only you can seem to understand-
you aren't just my home

you are my hope

writing about love and arms and sleeping next to someone you love
comes too easy even when you're supposed to be doing schoolwork
or simply showering but what a lonely party that would be
i want love raining down on me instead
and when you came around it was always pouring
but i wouldn't call this a storm
more of a "april showers brings may flowers" thing
because you make tiny flowers grow and the birds sing i swear

i know some of this may be a bit backwards but i know you'll understand

you always do