love is small
like the narrow gap
between the arms that hold me
softly in the night
as the silk petals in spring
that drift along the current
twirling in the colourful melody
that brings light into your eyes
it goes unnoticed
as all things in the night
slumbering quietly
until at last it erupts
from the lips of morning rays
the sunrise highlighted
on red tongues
seeking the light of daybreak
indeed
love is so very small
that it is carried without notice
in your eyes
for when you look upon me
all i see
is the depth of a heavy heart
drifting out to sea
*weightless

i've loved you since i saw you
but you loved me much before
for i was something solely yours
with each and every pore
and although i'm getting older
and you beg to take me back
i'll never be too big to say
i'll always love you back

forget me not in rain
for my essence lies within
the steady beat of heavy drops
cascading over me
drenched and shivering
yet warm like summer fire
i bare my soul here
and leave it when it dries

forget me in the sunlight
when the ground no longer shows
the light reflected from starry nights
in puddles on the road

forget me in the evening
and by the morning light
for when it disappears
surely i am gone

but please
forget not the rain
for truly

i awake

unbound feet escort me
afar from whence i came
the long forgotten footpaths
lay long behind my memory
searching, i wander
through the vast sea of green before me
the raging wind captured
in the brief rush of eager leaves
quick to their demise
sheltering my easy steps
from the traces of the shadow walkers
who track me in the night

hark, now
i hear them
                                         calling
their hungry voices
decline in me the longing for new land
beyond the crystal coastline
where i can abandon the thick desolation
of the land you once called home

i won't be the first to admit
that i sleep in terror
for tomorrow is another day closer
to *growing up

the empty space
left for you
in my single bed
should be pleasurable
for now i have room to stretch
but when the lights go out
and i lay down to sleep
all i can do
is imagine how it is
to have you next to me
fighting for equal space
draped by your arms
instead of these blankets
but i remain restless
and all i can do in these moments
is wonder if you are awake too
contemplating a simple message
that would ask me to be yours
for just one more night

soft night of your extinction
creating my new form
of slowly arisen chaos
built upon eroded tranquility
for with every arriving line of truth
you slowly fade away
taking with you the memories
of dimming haunted rooms
but before you could diminish
you lead me here
behold
what i have come upon
my faceless lover of frozen earth
the land of desolate shadow
where you will lay to rest
among the casualties of your trepidity
along with the whispers that slaughter silence
and the hidden shadow of imminent despair
but before you sink into your dwellings
may i steal from you
one kiss of immaculate decline
before all that remains of you is dust

sky so black the stars ate my soul
take the pieces of my heart
devour them slowly with you jagged teeth
i want to feel what's underneath
steal away
i can't feel a thing

When I was younger, I had heard on the news that a man had been stabbed, and subsequently, bled to death. I had never head that expression before: "bled to death"... so what did it mean? I knew that guns and knives = death, the end, but how could you bleed to death?

This is when my mother provided me with an analogy that I have continued to use and develop to this day.

Instead of explaining what it meant, my mother knowing me well, gave me a visual representation (don't worry - no one was harmed in this process!).

My mother took me to the kitchen and took out a ziplock back and a knife. She turned on the tap and placed the bag under a steady flow of water, letting it fill halfway. She explained that the tap represented the human heart (essentially constantly creating new "blood"/water). She then proceeded to "stab" a hole in the bag, allowing some of the water to begin pouring out slowly. The leak was not large and the water coming in from the tap was able to sustain the small hole she had created. She explained that when we bleed from minor injuries, our body is able to keep up with the loss of blood because it's always creating new blood; the body is able to function as long as it has enough. She then began to process of poking more holes in the bag and I watched, wide-eyed, as the tap became unable to keep the bag full. It was from this that I understood; it was from this that I was able to create my own analogy years later...

Now for me, this analogy became most applicable in a recent relationship, but I believe it applies to any sort personal qualms.

We can't become the plastic bag. It is true (and common) that we patch the holes created... and for a while, they will hold. But eventually another hole will be created and a new patch required (see where I'm going with this?). There becomes a point where we're so patched that the water begins to soak through the patches and spill out.

And regardless of how many times we put the smiley-faced patch on the leaky bag, it's still going to have a hole and it's eventually going to start leaking again (a.k.a. just because you pretend everything is OK, doesn't mean that it is because you're not actually resolving anything). This process of patching will eventually burst in your face... you'll be patching and patching and patching, but there will still be that water coming in and holes created.

This may be gruesome (and I've received many the odd look from this specific advice) but you need to be able to rip off those patches, pull out the "bullet" and stitch yourself back up. Let it heal.

Yes, you are going to have a scar, and trust me, it won't be nearly as pretty as that little patch that you would have worn over the hole, but eventually it will fade and all you'll have is a faint pink mark where that hole used to be.

It's not easy and it's not pretty, but hey, wouldn't you rather survive?

if i said i loved you
i'd be lying
for it is not the spoken word
that captures my breath
and turns my heart
as quickly as the stem of your watch
it is merely your existence to me
that enthralls me so violently
that i dare not speak
for surely i would utter
what my heart is trying to say

-beat-
your eyes
  --again--
  oh, your lips
    ---faster---
    but now i cannot breathe
      ----much more----  
       and i will faint
dizzy
     under all that you are

beat not
--beat strong--

i see your feet
like little ships
sailing with the wind
anchored here
but sails still taut
escaping to the sea

strip not your sails
rip not the anchor
from the deep breadths
of the turquoise sea
for in your travels
surely you'll find
a wave you cannot sail
and lost will you be
in the sea of your own choosing
the rescue ships sent to seek
the promise from your lips

send the bottle
send your sails
back to flourishing shores

am i cold?
a heart trapped in an icy prism
is all i exude frigid?
relentless frost on beautiful gardens
attacking all that draw too near
it seems as though
i am the only one capable
of surviving this climate
body accustomed to shivering
prone to cold feet

unity of the sea
chaotic on my heart of grace
near to the dawn of hope
where i lay my secrets to rest
soft as the bark of the decaying tree
ignited by the sparks of clashing reflections
of silver-lined clouds
sweet anchor
lured by the surrounding essence of your evolution
forgotten and bemused
for your vision remains the ecstasy of my being
the anarchy to my resolve
leading me astray from my home
for everything in you has flourished in my dying territory
but when i flee your path in fear of crossing lines
and the danger set to my heart
will i be hunted by your guards?
for you hunger its purity
no, maybe i am to expect a new horizon
intoxicatingly beautiful
and blind to the prospect of chance
delved into the trenches of the water
unafraid of its findings
someday, i shall declare my allegiance
beyond the glimmer of a fallen pledge
and i too, will bathe in its tranquility

i cannot wait to see you again
to feel the peaceful marks of your existence
the wind, tousling your mane, mixing it with mine
your face, your presence, your heart
beating strongly beside mine
as we run through bright fields of embers
our past glowing in the distant background

when all that is left here is us
we will go to that spot
where we were separated
and dig up my heart together
you will return it to me
so that i may fill it with my essence, my love

and i will gladly return it to you once more
for it is yours
forever branded by you

it is the only thing i can give to you while you're gone
please, be comforted
i gave you my whole to protect you until i can find you again

and when i find you
i will sacrifice myself to keep you safe

this time
i can stay with you

*forever

matched sorrow
spread across the distance
thinned heart
of your absence
i think it hurts more
to be aware of a possibility
were there a change
bearings behind us
not keeping us at bay
but it does not quiet
my eyes seek you
i long for your whisper
i am torn by what you say
and what i wish to convey
your sadness hurts too
deeper than you know
for now we are open
but have no place to go

the image you make of me
is your own reflection
i am not your mirror
nor am i yours
every lash that you inflicted
was only a fragment of what you deserve
you are wretched
and it is not a solitary presumption
you wonder at your isolation
but i know it is in your making of webs
easily thread, but easily torn down
you are viewed for your fabrication
stretched across a dim reality
along with your people
i see them
in your land of fantasy
a boy's adventure, not fit for a man
it's time to grow up, Peter
the world is not full of pirates
save for the ones that you create
this is not a childhood fantasy
you are not a victim to the world
you're unbelievable
and that's not saying much

summer shone brightly upon shoulders of broken gold
lost letters of amourous content freckled across your back
weighted by the frequency of closed arms around arctic stone
devouring the heat captured within bronzed skin
where they remain until the moon escapes the sky
abandoning the quiet night for the waking of the sun
merciless in it's radiant rise to power over the sunken stars
it is here that you must desert the frigid stone
with eyes like fresh pools of salted seas
and feet like burning coals

i hope you find her
like the endless night
upon your chest
intertwined like the silver constellations
of the summer sky
no longer tainted blue

and with each day
i hope spring finds you
smooth and delicate
as her lips of rose place sweetened petals
upon your cheek
her sun-dried stare wasting not a glance
of your smile
that fades all grief into shadows

but mostly
i hope you will be happy
for i shall be gone again soon
too lost for loving you

i quit
your slow seduction
your eyes of crystal sorrow
for the matter of my heart
so fragile upon your rise to power
has seen nothing but the dark
trotting
down the solemn path
past the sign that leads to you
but i'll break instead for misery
of how you have forgotten me
and although your return is bitter
your sweetness still lingers here
but i see through the grim, cold stare
you are not the one to quench the fire
heavy upon my savage chest
unable to sew, are you
the pieces back together
you offered a hand
but before i could give back into you
i fled
away from your fields of green
and sunlit parody
back to my forest
protected by the shade
sealing the wounds of you
with molded leaves
awaiting my truth

it is not a bitter heart
that refuses to fall in love
it is not the absence
of warm collecting arms
nor the objective
of finding something missing
that traces this immunity
it is the acceptance of solitude
of self-defiant fate
of lacking sentiments
where truly i grow strong
for on my own
i am strength

the ever present taste of metal on my tongue
heavy, and unable to pass the iron gate of my lips
silent, in the quake of restless hearts
the breath of simple lovers crushes my windpipe
and easy words become forbidden
ugly and tainted with an adamant coating
i place myself effortlessly in a cage
removed from humanity
lifeless eyes, silent mouth
the shutdown so familiar
but it is in the revival that i am lost

wooden heart
splintered into place
puncturing its fragility
with every betraying beat
like scarlet roses
beautiful but deadly
upon tender hands
soft as the tilled earth of their lineage
and each drop of blood
feeds their state
of slowly risen chaos

let bleed
like the morning dew
upon uncovered feet
spreading through the warm morning air
the sleeping flowers
seeking to obtain the last remnants
of an empty kiss
placed upon their lips
before the sun returns to the sky
and the peaceful wake of sleep
can no longer remain

we all grew up
differently than we intended
wild and tameless
until we got    
                      here
far from where we started off
but the familiarity still lingers
in old pictures
old faces
who haven't grown with us
those who have only lived to see
the beginning and the present
and the image of you that is expected
becomes shattered
and wiped clean
for you no longer represent those memories

hello, old friend
what was your name again?

you've never seemed so far away
locked within my vessel
the land of shades
lacking space for your luminosity
so i await the knight
to crest the hill
dawning the torch of you
to rescue me from the vacant village
of broken greying huts
the fire sparks an interest
in the dying land
and sets forth your phoenix
to destroy all that remains
and when the smoke clears
there shines a gentle light
the saviour from my pallid fantasy
shattered through the night

feet free upon the winter ground
soft soles accompany hard feet
you are quiet in your markings
but the thought of you
is burned across my chest

silent footsteps
menacing with their threat of destruction
here
i have frayed and tarried in your alterations
covered in your shame

swollen heart
each drop of blood
purged by your greedy mouth
tongue searing
at my thinly veiled courtesy

pure and unpainted
you linger
to shred the last of my dignity
and claim my land with your flag
for all to witness

lead me to the pain
for i am exhausted by this existence
here
i am awakened by my fear
and set forth upon the world

blood beneath nails
searching
rest, easy
for the scars are still raw from your existence

your fallen grace reminds me
of distant summer months
destined to sink into a quiet fall
everything green, burnt to autumn shades
trees born to blossom, bloom to decay
their leaves born
only to rot beneath winter's blanket

ever so hopeful
upon a dying whim
once so full of charm
now dwindling on your newest affliction
a passing phase of yours
to reply so kindly in my favour
but as a new opportunity arises
to abandon me so quickly
each board of my ship stripped of pride
and given no honourable decline
bowed before thunderous waves
as you sail upon a new ship
with gleaming sails
toward a new horizon
as i prepare to sink
into the abyss of knowing you

dead eyes like twilight
haunting through frosted trees
and empty barren lands
frost bitten and bitter
to the peace between chaos
against soft winter snow
that remains untouched by the footprints
of people in little houses
but i walk on stilted legs
each deliberate step
is treading on shadows
silent and aching
like cold feet wading
through treacherous waters
in the escapades of silent streams
breath burned
across fields of ice
with carefully placed hands
on cold set stone

left for the cold wind
the dying embers on my lips still linger
in the distance you created
displayed by the ashes that you used
to paint my face
the last portrait before you embark
through the white layers
of sharp december snow

chalk outline of something shattered
left to be displayed to an ever-growing population
mangled and ****** from your passing
and wiped clean by strange hands
that do not possess your docility
but you walk away, slowly into oblivion
unashamed of your takings
for what you stole was never desired
a harrowing **** in the full flourish of your garden
plucked from its roots and put to shame
but as it slowly wilted beneath the severity of the sun
a traveler came upon it and took shame in its torment
and planted it in an open field
free to bloom without an enclosure

the absence of your eyes
decline in me a fear
of wary smiles
and panicked glances
washing over me
where ought to be your lips
my tongue will now reside
for in my mouth i hold
each word i cannot tell
i, the with-holder
of kindly spoken words
of long possessed fear
the cause of hurting eyes
if only i had courage
filled beneath my breast
but alas
all i do possess
is the rapid beating heart
of a girl with no words
and all the truth to bear

brought back by an old greeting
of warm breath and soft skin
the hay-filled scent of childhood yearning
fulfilled once more
by the slender elegance of a whiskered muzzle
a place of sacred worship
where every sorrow was once laid to rest
from those beloved younger years
oh, how easily forgotten this place was
how swiftly it became tainted
by the red passing of first love
for the place that once guarded sanctuary
became a district of grief
yet here the fantasy of little girls is awakened once again
where the shrine of golden tenderness
rests anew within the eyes of a horse

radio silence

i am left grasping at weak ideas
plastered through my brain
i do not believe you are aware
of the harm you cause me
in your absence

how selfish i must seem
to desire you for myself
how young and naïve i look
in your eyes of solitude
am i a fool?
for seeing something in your blind stare?
or were you truthful to me there?

the wavelengths between our separation burns
marring the pale skin you once caressed
i wonder at my reflection
failing to recognize myself
for i do not feel the same
you shifted something unknown to me
and with every ounce of strength
i have failed to put it back
you disappeared sooner than i expected
with little more than a faint good-bye

how girlish i must be to you
how weak and desperate
to hold each kind word in such high regard
to you i am worthless
to you i am destroyed, broken
a dead toy
used and unamusing to keep your time

search through your channels
for what you require
but do not expect my reply
for i  turned you to static
at the first sound of change

filled a book with your ink
and tried to erase it
but the words remained
like little stains upon my skin
reminders that i'd never get away
but one day i became aware
that i had been reading the last chapter
over and over again
as if the book could never end
as if i just denied the existence of the final words
but as i struggled to erase your name
it instead became smeared
an ugly reminder of what i was covering up
so i tore out your name from every page
and i burned those chapters
and with them, my shame
my hatred for myself
because i realized there are endless pages
still white and untouched
some, full of pencil sketches
that are easily removed
oh that i could fill those pages someday
with ink and flowers
to draw the joy that i imagine
to seek beauty
to be, to live, to love
write me a story i want to relive

i sleep not in comfort
for my heart has become wary
from the existing weight
you have placed ever so gradually
and the once tolerable heaviness
beneath my breast
has become the lasting pain
reflected in every breath
in every beat of my struggling heart
betrayed by you
betrayed by me
in every word that you may speak

i like the way you look to me
fresh breath upon a decaying landscape
clear as the crystal water beneath my feet
the warmth in the biting breeze
turning my cheeks to roses
your laugh kills a part of me
the part that paints me black
and brings forth a golden streak
that faintly resembles yours

the utter despair
of your tasteless lips
smooth
cold as stone across mine
new horizons
bring endless hope
and longing
to feel the warmth of the sun
in your kiss once more

waiting for the world to stop spinning
long enough for me to catch my breath
i cannot stop this overflow
i can only freeze it
though my strength is weakening
be wary
for someday this pain will emerge from my chest
and the overflow will cascade
from the dark hollow in my chest
and drown all in its rage

the sharpened rose
that seeks the red from blushing cheeks
carries through the night
the scent of wild fire
the singed branches
collapsed within your structure
like the elegant fold of your arms
engraved as if for my hopeless eyes
pallid grey against burnt azul
hopeless as my winter blade
dull upon my earthy plains
of sunken ash
seek not the wet stone
from the fountain pools
seek nothing
for this land flourishes no more

remember me like sunset
upon matted floors of green
beneath the skies unwritten
with soon forgotten dreams

i'll think of you at twilight
before my heart can show
the sentiments of wishing stars
before the autumn slows

and maybe in the morning
i'll leave again renewed
but terrified of distant ties
and terrified of you

drowned in the water
of forgotten lands
where the sails begin to fade
set ablaze by the burnt sun
again the ice remains
to earth -
flee
for it is the fire i wish to escape
the cutting wind caught
on water of gasoline
to earth -
i claim myself
free from ice
the winter long forgotten

stolen flame
burnt fingers upon still heartache
wary of the trust in you
my faith stings
beneath each careful step
left believing in something
that is not confirmed or denied

i lay here
hanging
on each empty word
filled with anxiety
i am lost
you are too
but we managed to find each other
in the damp forest

i can't say how long i'll last
in your crystal gaze
frozen in your ways
for i am tired
and full of aching heartbeats
thriving on your existence
but you survive without me

i am lost
i see you no longer here
you have shifted

i am gone

broken bones
torn down sympathy
i weep not for you
but those around you
who are covered in your darkness
spewed across their white clothing, are you
mocking their purity with your sullied words
they stand there still
too sunken to move again
their will has been removed
and now they stay with compliance
your ability for worship ties them to the ground
never allowing them to drift
peacefully away from the pain you provide
with every
waking
moment
wide awake and torn
i kneel
praying for your forgiveness
if that is what you intended
forcibly, i rip
the threads of your manipulation from my back
and struggle to my feet
you impress your power over me
but i refuse to linger
with my new found freedom
i spit at your feet and turn from you
walking into the oncoming slaughter
of distant storming clouds