i meant to build
but the materials had gone to waste
in a far off land
no longer known to me
but foreign was this new land
of fresh arrivals
for i traveled many miles
to escape confinement
and there, in an open territory
i stood
ready to rebuild
and forge a city of my own
safe from steady gazed predators
stalking easy prey
but instead i came across a broken tower
and found inside
something unexpected
another traveler
from the same distant lands
seeking refuge
from dark skies and cold winds
together we sat
by tall flames
never becoming guarded
because the wall was never built

soft implications
imprinted on white waves of silk
where the immaculate seas of blue
rest on ivory hills
floating upon the currents of sweet air
and he is drowning in the clear water
surrounded by fiends of gold
awaiting a breath that comes easily
before he is able to witness
her emergence to the red decline

dry water
each drop sustains
for only an instant
and i am again left to my own devices
each hole dug to escape
and find the wells of salvation is futile
for the thirst that ails me does not quiet
it burns my breath
for every gasp of air turns raw
as if it were hot sand

desert me here
for surely i am finished

i am so far gone
unable to pronounce
the words that get caught in my throat
i cannot say
but the pain they have caused is unbearable
they burn there
their meaning becoming more real for me
i doubt you know
you cannot see the feeling taking over me

i back away so that when i implode
my blood will only grace the snow

in this life
it can only be a goal
to see everything you need to see
and experience all that you desire
be given the opportunity to fall in love
and be dealt the hand of heartache
it is not an easy feeling
it is so unnatural
for our heart to betray us
but through this we learn strength and adversity
and although we may board up our windows for some time
eventually you will seek fresh air again
and through that opening
someone brilliant will shine through
and bring you something you never knew before
maybe they will stay
there is no way in telling such things
but if they leave
you will be stronger once again
for the time spent healing a broken heart
is not where you gain your confidence
it is in the re-opening of yourself
that truly shows your strength

gentle hands
woven through silk hair
between parted lips
dies your hunger
each breath of remorse
killed by sighs of relief
the clash of your words to mine
after sweet kisses
you contrast me
a compliment to needed heat
my tie with ice, comforting
while others are covered in bites
your burns cannot affect me
for there is plenty left to melt
but let not my water flood you
for quaking beneath the ice
lies my heart
thriving in your fire
bathed in the complete chaos
you cause with your gaze
please
if you seek my truth
take it quickly
for if you linger
it will freeze you too
and the damage will be recorded
on each forgotten slate
of a broken memory

write not to me in prose
write not at all
for the words will fall
upon deaf eyes
the fragile blue
no longer existant
in pools or waves
for all that remains
is sand
the dry desert i created
for my empty cadence
that hangs poignantly in the wind
too soft for the wild predators
who once tracked the sounds
of tormented seas
red and crashing
into the boulders on shore
until they faded
until they too became sand
and the heat of green fire
selfishly lapped up each remaining ounce
until all life was foresaken

dead, dead, dead
the sea is dead!

the tendrils of salted sea greens
long forgotten
the coral and the budding life
now dry
frozen in the sand
and yet there is still hope for rain
where once again
the sea can pull me in

the harshness of the city skyline is prominent
ruthless in its hold over the land
as blue skies turn grey
in attempt to fuel an industry
where the waters are impassable
poison to the body
painted grass, concrete blocks
filled with crowds of professionals
is this my fate if i wish for success?
or can i still obtain
the sacred valley
fresh fields
and blue skies
that accompany the country
for although the city has these people
they still lack stars

the abuser tried to contact me
through his coward device online
the place where he sits to work
twisting and turning his words into easy prey
the place where i saw him work
light keystrokes of heavy rage
set out to destroy the happiness around him

he tried to contact me
as if i were an old friend
as if months of beautiful silence had not gone by
i don't know what he wants to say
because i have shut out the old version of myself
that would willfully go running back to him
i am disgusted by the girl i was
so warped
that every ounce of pain inflicted
every compromised moment of "love"
was meaningful

i can never go back
i won't
there isn't anything in the world
that could make me venture
to the chaotic territory of a
self-loathing
compulsive, lying
unstable
psychotic
manipulative man
who tore apart everything i had built for myself
and called it love

so here's my message to you:

                                          go **** yourself
                                          with your petty mind games
                       because i am strong
                                  and everything that i rebuilt is equipped
                                                 to destroy anyone like you
                        who tries to come near

i am finished, i am happy, i am me
finally
i can be me

tore down what was left
of an ancient human structure
iron gate
stone walls
the wood burned within
the ashes of an old world
left behind the imprint of your victory
soot covered footprints
walk their newly claimed territory
where once children slept
the horses quiet in their stalls
hay filled dreams
stood open to a firey nightmare
where you stand and watch
with eyes like sunken stars
still searching
over me
over the vast nothing that was created by destruction
this is all i am
hunt no further

***** soles of ***** feet
caressed by changing grounds
hard and soft combine
into the whirling images of my eyes
through rainbows
of fresh green
harsh grey
sand and dark mud
and surrounded once more
with rippling hues
that cleanse me of the day
i bury myself here
above and below
clear waves own my lungs above
the saving force from the blue below
i am saved
i am lost
wanderer of the city streets
and quiet country roads

loose upon the edge of a knife
set off by your disarray
you cut the strain from within
abstracted from your surroundings
negligent are you
towards the care of others
it does not affect your pain
yet we bare it with you
step back from the pull
of the surrounding, throbbing malady
and move toward the clarity
of polished brilliant light
unaware of the obscure essence
waiting in the night
draw close to the flame
protected while alight
curled away from prancing darkness
created by them
ignore their suspension
and walk freely in fluorescent cities

if only
i could tear out my heart as a page
and send it to you
a letter you could follow
instead of the fast paced words
that escape my mouth
in rapid melody
breathless over the timeless metronome
that has become my heart

if you
could read that page
oh -
how you could see the way i love you

if only
i could wrap you in that paper

if only
you could feel what my arms
wish to portray
eager and open to you
for you have become my holy ground
for which i have been searching
a place to rest my weariness
and read
to you

those pages

I would rather live
in a cardboard box
with someone I truly love
than have everything
with someone else

how i feel is irrelevant
compared to the vast beauty
of the open plains
of liquid gold before me
drowning in the changing waters
undecided whether they are black or blue
quite like me
undecided
   uninvolved
     un- enthused, emotional, clear
but where is my clarity?
for i've been travelling without it
in what seems like an endless time
and i cannot remember where i began
                        through grass
       through trees
                    walls            houses          
                                                                ­                       people

i've swept through them without notice
as if they were shadows on my ceiling
that i stare at instead of sleeping

sometimes i wonder if they're real
or if i conjured them there
to conquer this lack of feeling
maybe if this were a fairy tale
i'd have the shadows align an army
strong and steady
and someone would fight through
and banish them

but alas
i have grown accustomed to these shadows
and i am no damsel

in your white city
wrapped in pavement
nestled between the hills
where nothing flourishes
the tree tops close to you
eager to tear apart from the ground
your tainted water
is poison
to all who wish to seek its purity

a smothered innocence
born into a soulless city
and the metal-clad titans
that threaten my wooden structure
break through my barrier, into my arms
my weaponry is pillaged
and i again remain reckless to you
your striking force
blunt across my chest
breathless, i remain in your agony

and as messages from you come up silent
i feel my heart floating
in your ominous sea
tying joyous knots
between frequent skipping beats
creating drops of your voice
that are echoed in the wells of my chest
for your sweet words blossomed twice
like clear stained letters
written near dawn

i fear
that the collapse of your growth is nearing
and the words that once laid before you
are voices in the distance
and the landscape of  your thoughts
buried shame
is brought upon still hearts
publicized
and all we wished to stay hidden
is torn across the horizon
and stretched across the bridges
with sorrow tipped urgency

and you lament to me
for i dreamt of your sorrow
going to the branches
when you should have sought the core
for now, all that is hopeless in your misery
is set free upon the village
set loose upon a whim
in your undying destruction

descend upon me in your radiance
for i was conceived in your fire
and now i stand, chest heaving
burnt in your tragedy
awaiting your return to my ruins
but your smile plays to your demise
and you instead cover me in your distance
a walking dream of your terror
the putrid evidence of your existence
leaves a stain upon my flesh
for i believed in your like a religion
for you were the disciple of my heart
but that legacy has been destroyed
for you have never carried your sins

like my wish upon a fallen star
burnt out upon the night
prepare yourself for slaughter
for when the evening breaks
the sun will be red with tears
and i will be born again in your remains

my well has begun to dry
the water seeping through the growing cracks
burrowed by the little mice
who carry away the pieces of my structure
allowing the seepage to continue on
until all that's left is dust and bone
my tongue of sand
weighted against formerly flowing words
drowning on the dryness
of severed ties
the water disappoints
now surely i must leave

where once greyed the imminent destruction
of silenced, foreign words
now renews the captivating serenity
born once more to the morning light
where the sweet kisses of sun lit drops
torch pale skin that bleed vibrant colours from thinning veins
painting the world anew
the forgotten shades layed to waste
in the land of muted fears
as ardor springs to life
from the lips of my deceiver

morning bird
awakened to our sins
stripped from the clear light
and forced into shadows
the keepers of secrets
the holders of silence
trapped beneath the marching of soldiered feet
across barren land
empty and bitter to our decline
for they yield no worth
for when reality strikes back
with its venomous teeth, ripe with treason
sun spread wings shall soar
above dark mountain tops
only to land again in darkness

perhaps i ought to flee
before i let myself be captured
by the endless hope that bestills my heart
before the bandaged edges
of my healing heart
become vulnerable once more
in a state of loving you

but flee i shall not
for hope has fueled my soul
to step forward
in place of the brave warrior
sword left to the ground
and shield long forgotten

left at the shore with open arms
allowing the waves to crash into my already broken body
i cannot leave this spot
where the memories collide with my sorrow
the water gives me more sentiments
than i was able to emote while i stood near you
it refuses to give in
the relentless pull of the tide from under my feet
and its great force pushing me down
my body may be broken
but my soul remains intact
farther from you i am content
here
i can lay to rest the body that you took from me
here
i will allow my soul to break free from this tattered vessel
hollow
and let the earth and water give birth to something free

something old
something new
always red
yet somehow blue
for in one minute
it beats for you
and in another
beats forgotten

you gave me everything
so i gave you my heart

i let you keep it with you
for safekeeping
but what do i do now
that you've gone and it's broken?
do i bury it alongside you,
or do i keep the fragile pieces and attempt to mend them

maybe
i'll give you a piece
so that someday
when it's glued
and stitched
and scarred from living
i can look back at the missing piece
and think of everything you gave me