you charged with supporting me
enjoy through stones and using sticks
joyful laughter at my mistakes
my failure your pride
a second family
now your only family
me discarded rejected alone and theft victim
you got your revenge
but blood lust not satisfied
i am tired
this war not mine
stolen life
you live free and well god has blessed
me muddied struggling hopeless
you win i give up

When the house settles in
I lay me down
Breathing slowing down
Drift of to sleep
I go home
To my private world
Life is perfect there
But
Pre determined
I have to leave home
Reality I must serve
Here I'm invisible
Regarded worthless
Thus trampled on
Ridiculed
Falaid on occasion even
Cruel barren land
Specs of oasis
Closed to me
Not even an glimpse allowed
Often feeling forsaken

lies that bind and wind souls together
trees creating a jungle over time
the green camouflage for make believe smiles and lives
hustling and bustling
trying to catch the wind
bottle the sunset
and command love
an eye blink
one missed heart beat
death collects
the forging fire seizes
a legacy named
carved in beating hearts
good or bad
a life ended

you broke me to feel empowered
what sick math
you lost more than me
trust, myself god can rebuild
loosing someone that really loves you
priceless replace-less
my conscience wont rest
haunted by my loss
powerless to act
filled with guilt and remorse
only crime
trusting and desire to be a family
both ripped from me
the step daughter that is not part of the fantasy being lived
obligated by my faith to forgive 7 x 70
your life joy filled
hardly remembering the unjust
committed and received
my life continuance circle of reliving the bad
you win i loose
you rejoice i die

dear god
today is one of those days
your the only one that understands
the days are being counted down to mother's day
i miss my mum so terribly
i see people around me connecting
sharing hugs and love, they have homes
all i have is a house and determination
i lost my appetite again
i commit suicide in silence everyday
1 teaspoon of sugar at a time
some times i wane live long
days like today i wish the sugar would work faster
as connected as we are in modern life are we unconnected
today i miss my mum so very much

if i could i will give all my days
i don't want the comfortable life she gave me
just her in all her wrinkles and moans
just my mum, no other will do

some love starts fiery red
burn furiously
no end in sight
illusioned feeling of safety
the fire cannot ever burn out
but all fires die eventually
leaving scorched earth, surroundings devastated

some love start slow
patients lots and lots of patients needed
but over time the shrub starts to grow
soon when no one is watching
a gorgeous massive strong tree stand
tall green with endless potential
even if it dies of old age it will give life to whats left behind
the cycle of life continues

then there is the love god blessed you with
you cant choose, you always love them but not always get along
you don't always like each others, but always love
they say this crawls where water don't run

i choose the one that adds over time slowly
never subtracting just multiplying

in avoiding the mirror i avoid a constant reminder that i am not even half the woman i once dream t of becoming. half completed and scorched remains is all that remains of once ambitious blue prints.
upon the question what caused the derailment no answer can be given.
how do you formulate a solution if the source cannot be identified? continues moments of these form ties that relate to a rope in representing a life and in these ties its always advisable to add a extra tie called faith and prayer for it keeps the sanity, it strengthens the resolve of the rope to remain whole and helps to carry the weight.
in this lies my hope

pent up emotions boil to the opening
i'm helpless to stop it
i'm afraid to cry
what if it never ends
what if i never stop
i miss my mom so god awful much
i am afraid to tell people and show it
i fear being shun
whats wrong with you?
it's been two years, pull yourself together
get over it
my heart hurts
i struggle to put my emotions in words
having to feel and write in secret
i fear people's reaction
they always say it will work out alright
what great nonsense
i want mum to hold me tight

my favorite lie: i got your back

this is pent up loss, grieve mixed with betrayal
boiled with anger and pain
i don't know who i am anymore
i can't even master up a smile, a fake smile
avoid people all together

an innate thirst
a compelling, life altering thirst
for

love

no not passion and lust

but

pure unadulterated love

to drink from that untainted spring
how my soul longs and dream
for the coming of that day
no longer left desolate with thirst
no longer questioning providence
no longer screaming at the sky

but

pure invigoration

a love so earnest
words fail in description
can, only, be felt and instinctively known

but instinct blurred by experience

Dear C, you are a good friend of mine
but you will never know how much i despise your skin
your soul is pure and love flows
your skin resembles all i hate about my country
you will never understand the yellow monster
his eyes tell it all
you are not human, no soul
just a peasant born to serve
how dare you breath what about speak
unthinkable that you can think
once you have seen the monster
innocence lost forever
no turning back
an anger that build in the chest
energy build in the muscles for action
action fueled by the pounding anger
action against my oppressors

God safe me from this anger, only you can.

thee oppressed hold on tight as death
to God, now i know why

now i understand mum and dads anger
yes i also joined that group now
question each nice gesture from a goose
'the only good goose is a dead goose'
now i understand

neglected terrified animals with blank stares
move humans to action
a stance to stop this
we prosecute these humans that brake the code
yet we allow young beautiful women to be treated the same
with no repercussions
young beautiful wild powerful tigresses
broken over time till blank obedient stares
family, communities, society sits and watch
the husband praised and hailed
wow what a contradiction
and you ask me to marry?
why would i choose to live forever in a cage?
i choose to be wild and free
to live as god intended for me

i fear my slow but steady descent back into depression
the gut wrenching sadness is back and stronger than before
fueled by being orphaned at a time of year that poses its own challenges
combined with a fusion of anger, regret, self hatred, shame and desire for revenge
all blanketed by lack of joy of all things and people
left alone my thoughts run rampant and devour me
a history of fighting demons i ran so hard from hoping to never see them again, but lady luck did not smile just a devilish grin

i honestly thought with you on my side
i can write a new book, you promised
then why am I back here again!
where tears form words on paper
emotional ramblings become poems
each word describe my bitter sweat pain
that inspire my best poems
worst nightmares
blood cried eyes
and no-one cares
no-one would look for me if i ran away
no-one would cry for me if i died
no-one would morn for me
i have tried so very hard
poured my soul and heart into it
but no-one human wants me
left outside in the cold
wandering, looking for shelter

the 5th commandment
honor they parents
my tempest since birth
prayer with tears pain grief sorrow smiles
blessing forgiveness bestowed
even self humiliation humbling self asking for forgiveness
all pointless
dust and air
darkest before the moon
what moon
moon does not exist
all make believe
you enjoy tempting me
you enjoy trampling me
you enjoy my failure
self gratification
revenge goal achieved
revenge on your own child
to what lows have you not crawled

Ini stilte vani nag
Terwyl di krieke sing
Fluister die slang
Dus ju laastes in ju eigene bed
Hy fluister direk na my vrees
Vrees onbeskryfbare vrees
X vul hu my kop di spanning neem
Hu verlang x vanaand vi ju
Soos woestyn na water
X ken my waarheid
X staan op my waarheid
Ma huveel struikelblokke voor da kom
Huveel spanning n gedagtes voor redding
My redder vertrou x op
Tot my laaste

Amen

Lack of courage
To tell the truth
It will sting
Clever play on words
Edgy jokes
But real eyes
Realise the truth
Although hidden
Age means time spend
Nothing changes over time
Except time
Age brings wisdom from heartache
You claim love
I sense the unsertainty in you
You lack courage
I already know

most things in life come and go
following the seasons of growth and change
but few whims remain and endure the harshest of hardships
they become the theme of dreams
hidden in the glow of the moon
visible to the stars and creator only
but my themes are distorted over-romantic  images of love and freedom
illusions to feed a bitter raw soul
for short lived comfort in endless depravity
**what good is a glowing yet dark moon that eagerly hides and embraces childish dreams that have not matured into reality
that only comfort but never prepares or protects

pictures of past lovers are looked through the eyes of a woman scorned
dragged down into the depths of hell
by a fiery monster that mishandles me
striking yellow eyes
each breath felt on my bruised skin
he mutilates me for fun
my screams echos through the empty corridors of hell
all the while having to watch my past over and over again
made to relive each moment magnified
torture would have been a far lessor punishment
my face has to remain neutral as i look at pictures of lovers past under the careful gaze of others

the anger in my ever grows
these men they toyed with me as if i was not human
in there eyes my soul did not breath
i was no more than a second thought
i run through the corridors
trying to open doors while trying to stay out of the clutches of my captor
i need the find the door to mercy
i stumble
broken the monster finds me

EACH SUNRISE IS A PROMISE OF NEW
A CHANGE TO CORRECT THE PAST ,A WRONG LIFE
OUR SOULS REJOICE AT A NEW DAY
THE SEARCH CONTINUES, WE NEVER REALIZE THE ANSWER IS INSIDE
WE SEARCH FOR OUR CREATOR IN EVERYTHING, EACH ON THE SAME JOURNEY, DIFFERENT ROADS
WE SEARCH, OUR MASTER
TAKE COURAGE AND ACKNOWLEDGED
THE GOD OF ALL
NO GREATER LOVE EVER EXISTED
HE IS EVER PRESENT, EVER FAITHFUL
OUR SOULS KNOW HIS VOICE
OUR MINDS RESIST, A GAME WE PLAY

I ASKED HIM TO PROOF HIS AFFECTION FOR ME
WITHOUT FAIL I RECEIVED LOVE AND WAS MADE WHOLE
THE IMPOSSIBLE REALIZED IN SECONDS
NO DOUBT EXIST IN ME
I AM LOVED BY MY BELOVED
MY SOUL TIED ONLY TO THEE

stuff my face
plug the pain
feelings does not need to feel
food addiction the start
the end, death will come slow
enough time to rectify
why rectify?
a flower in the field
wind blows away
no-one noticed or new it existed
point in stopping self abuse through stuffing face?
black life extended, torture at its best
the mind pared with bad memories and hopeless outlook
the best of dungeons to find rest in
cold dark damp wonderful fear creep in

My greatest fear
Loving a wrong somebody
Loving for the wrong reason
Being controlled
Forced to bend to others whim
Loosing my identity
Uprooted independence
Being not good enough
Being used and mislead
Being left broken and abandoned

Having to walk a difficult road of recovery
No one can recover from a love like this
Wrong or misleading
Right or true
Its deep to the inside of my bones
How will i recover from broken bones
The heart has no bones
No visitors
No get well soon
Nothing
Only silence
Broken by tear drops
Only on inside

pain is shaping me daily
the wonder before my eyes
brings joy
i can see the future harvest
prosperity in abundance awaits me
for in darkness
light is mightiest
love can conquer all
but faith is needed to leap
believe my wings will be there
i will be delivered

Vrees my duidelikste chom
X kni my lewe indink sonder vrees
So deel van my vlees en been
My motivering vi als
Gooi vure dood
Kry ni kans om te beplan
My heiland
My rots
**** my asb
Die vrees verteer my
Soos acid
Die pyn verskeer
My geloof hou
X weet net u kan my help n ****

I struggle to breath
Want to sleep but not tired
I want to talk but nothing in mind
I strain myself to be present
Spacing out my favourite thing
If im not present i cannot hurt
The source unclear
No one understand
Foreign language i have become
My silence unreadable
I crawl through the sewerage pipes of my mind
Desperatly trying to find the source
All this turmoil need a source
I wish you could hold me forever
Squeeze so tight my pieces fit
But when you let go
I fall
Brake and shatter
When you hold me i feel safe
I feel anew for the fight
But you always leave
You leave to rejoin your happy life
I realise the empty my life is
I hate my life

my head filled with ghost
past, present , future
rooms chaotic and *****
at best
need to shut the door
forever
when knocks come
revere
a deep unfulfilled need
a need overlap with desire
desire for nurturing
physical contact
need for a solution
add dash of consistancey

when you love
the heart takes a silent vow
the mind brakes the covenant
the heart shatters
swim in disbelieve and regret
struggling t breath inderstanding
in the end darkness knows misery , pain and suffering
time does not heal
it binds the pieces into shape
the brokenness remains

all i need is for love to be true and faithful
ever constant and present
loving most when love is lost
no need for glitter and glam
no need for fancy words and gems
just, true in action
my perfect fairytale
love that starts small and grows
adding little drops over time

twinkle twinkle
little star
how I envy you
surrounded never alone
all family

please share yourself
I have no one
fear fill me
fear engulf me
despair follow
an old friend is back
depression my only companion
dumb by meds
a coward I am indeed
reality is harsh
I re-lend I cannot face
I feel nothing at last
thank god for modern meds
give my emotions time to balance and anxiety to dissipate

who will bury me
who will look for me
who will wait for me
who will tend to me
who will wonder over me
who will dream of me
who will for I have no one left
will anyone!
no one will ever

I am orphan
by time and space
dreams my glorious relieve
away from a world
that does not want me
and does not love me
and does not care
no human connection
I am held by faith
my GOD my Father
the TRINITY
the SON JESUS
and the HOLLY GHOST
nothing more
and nothing less

I see couples holding hands
families spending time
the air filled with laughter and joy
the full magic of summer

here i am
alone and forgotten
forced to watch from the outside
refused entry
destiny is mocking me
constantly reminding me of what it is i cannot have but desperately desire and need

hopeless and confused
paralyzed by fear
torn
I wish the days by
happy holidays to me

it has always baffled me across age and time how parents can sacrifice there children happiness on the altar of love to protect there own self centered ego. to protect there ideal ideology of themselves. God help anyone that dare to scratch that image for hell had no fury than a content-less character being unveiled as a fraud. God gives gifts called children for reasons known to him alone this does not excuse anyone from honoring this decision after all we call our selves Christians translated into followers of Christ who loved and honored his father. instead there is endless failures fueled by incapacity to accept and love without agenda's. not love believed but love experienced one rain drop into a bucket meant to over flow.

when you left, i was so afraid of forgetting and loosing you,
i gathered all i could find, jealously guarding it,
unwilling to share with anyone, even dad
justifying with, "they had all your life"
i only had my life time with you

i had since come to my senses
realised that no one can take you from me
you live in my heart
i treasure the photographs
some things only i and they know
a secret we whisper to the moon, sun and sky

i never stop missing you
i got accustomed to living with it
i got use to the missing

once i eagerly awaited the patter patter of your feet
a smile covered face in anticipation
my eyes rejoice
my heart race
blushing cheeks are lovingly embraced
to souls joined again
how naive i have been
your patter patter brings anxiety for fear of the wrath
the grows and brews under the service
exploding without any clear sign
the volcano erupts
the molting lava desecrates all living in its path
succeeding in annihilating the last of my love and affection
barren wasteland all that is left
my mind understands
my souls questions
my body remembers
my heart cannot believe, a wounded soldier in disbelieve of bleeding wounds and missing limbs
i have been here before with cold and broken hallelujah's
the show goes on there is no curtain call
falling on knees
arms on high
singing my broken hallelujah

truly there is a god
praise his holy name
and grant me forgiveness
i questioned they plan for me
for so long, so very long
but now i see
lessons i needed to learn
now i can recognise my diamond
you made me wait and beg
big is my reward
a real diamond
i didn't think it possible
he don't judge me when i loose against my demons
he don't criticize when i loose faith in me
instead he build my believe in me , encourages me
the biggest cheer leader to date
when i loose he slays my demons for me
rescuing me from the dark depth of depression
i pray to god he is real, always

love you babe

please pick up. . . the phone rings
i'm trying to make a call to heaven
please god answer i need to speak to my mum please
i want to tell her all that has been happening
about my aching heart for love
the gnawing feeling that i am a failure
the hurt watching other people live the life i want
no gate keeper to my memories
silence on the other side of the line
god does not take direct calls
i have no one else to call
it was always mum
every action or drama that occurred she was the front row spectator

god always answers prayers not always in the time or package that fit into our lives but that is not his objective as Lord and God. it is to mentor and shape us into graceful beauty that overflows with love and joy which ignites a flame so infectious the dark has no choice, but to cede and surrender. his presence is that overwhelming and powerful but he wins with love and uses all that might to protect his children. he is the definition of love, amen.

you have conquered my heart
the weak link of the trinity
my strong and fierce mind
you are yet to impress, potential is not action
she sends warning signals constantly through the nervous system
warning against future heartache and tremendous disappointment
with smirk remarks about:
    always having to put heart back together again
    always having to help heart rationalize things
    having to protect heart from foolish action
my soul watches and listens
yet to enter the debate
only one requirement mentioned
God fearing and true follower of Jesus Christ

boldly i stand and ask my Heavenly Dad
resting on his chest
"Dad is he worthy of the King's Daughter?''
the answer scares me
did i listen correctly
after knowing his checkered past
its the wealth of the heart and the content of character that matters most

been called a great bunch of things
my favourite is daughter
my worst is friend
with daughter there is a  guaranteed love returned especially in the foxhole
i am yet to meet a friend that returns in my time need

i should be use to being alone in the fox whole
but for some reason hope just wont die
i keep holding out the banner that someday one day
by a miracle unknown it will change

you shower me with affection and rose water words
ever so subtle blind siding me
yesterday you threatened me
today you grabbed my wrist, hard enough
tomorrow, i am not waiting to find out
true no visible bruise
baby i was just playing, covered by a boyish smile
that devilish smile i struggle to resist
but i was not having fun, enough for a wake up call
the love you planted and carefully watered in my heart
are slowly suffocating under the weight of fear for you
trust died the moment the pain signal from my wrist reached my brain
what a pity for us both
this had the potential of a great love affair
the kind legends are made of

Its over
My dreams know
Inside i know
It still hurts
The why lives unanswered
From experience
The dust will settle
I will be stronger and wiser
I will live more guarded
This i know
Each time i brake
The pieces dont fit nicely again
But rearranged they do fit
I, differant stronger queen emerges
A small fire of hope survives
A worthy kning will come
If only in my dreams

Di storm, di woed
Di wind, di huil
Ruk di mure soos hy hardloop omi hys
Wat sal wees sal staan
Hu diep is ons wortels
Is di fondasi stewig
Saggies en versigtig sluip x nader
Da sit vrees omring deur sy makkers
Trots op homself
Hy kry my oorhand
Vandag behoort geveg aan ju
Ma more verklaar x my oorwinning
In god se naam n met god se krag

in you child of 9 i see my unconquered vices , demons, wars, battles and countless insecurities i carry with from a fiery adolescence into uncertain despised adulthood. i desire to forget my baggage at the terminal but somehow my baggage always find my door. this is not a life i wish upon you. if possible i would cast your pure and innocents in an unbreakable cast to last you a life time and then some.
once i wore your shoes. they fitted me perfectly and i loved them, but i could not stay in them for urgent was the call for me to mature beyond my age. the war trumpets blew and off i went to a war i could not comprehend,. never realizing possession of my soul was the prize.

i would trade my victories for your uncertain battles for my armor has seen the worst and the best of days, you still don't have one, but it not either of our decision to make all i can do is watch and pray and hope and pour my heart into faith that in the end you will be ohk

even on a good day do i feel that i am lacking in others eye's and no matter how i try to reshape myself or add or detract i am never enough. i try and treat people as i which to be treated admittedly not always succeeding but i put in the time and effort. yet i am always left behind. never picked for a summer street game. never invited to events. never part of the social light. i try to just be me and be. but even this cause my heart to tare due to even more mirrors braking.
in the end im left in the dark wondering how come i am willing to forgive and give second chances but non are afforded to me, no understanding or empathy is shown.
and then they call me names

use to be only quiet moments
but now its boils to the surface of moments in general
the sheer intensity scares me
the longing grows with each tear i do not shed
yet shedding brings temporary relieve
i cannot desire constant relieve for it means forgetting
an action not possible
even if no memory exist it will remain known
like a rose covered by dirt
invisible but present and always gorgeous
i miss her strength
her kindness
her mother heart who always knew when her youngin was lost and could find a wanderer even if in the black of cold
i miss the woman who raised me
i called her mother once
a title she earned through dedication and love proving worthy of the honor

truth your tempest
your dark mind detest
an air born infection
racing through your body
destroying all good
blinded by deceit
truth recognizable
so many lies
uncountable
un-rectifiable
driving towards a quick end

no one will cry
all worthy tears have been spend
your demise
resemble a wild animal
only wind and sun will know
your resting place
your last words
unrecorded
lost

my fancy writing and good choice in words
are perfect in camouflage my deep devouring pain
if my soul could bleed it would be drained
oh how i miss my glory days
in youth i thought it will last
the only lasting thing i have is pain, questions and regret
i fear the end of the nightmare
who am i if not lonely and in pain
what awakens my muse and clothe my mistress
pain, regret and questions is all I've known for so long
me malformed
humanity wont take me back
all i know is exile
i dream of better, but then who will i be

Only when we living souls have had the honour of losing a lived one can we fully grasp the meaning of another year granted,
We take the ability to breath for granted so easily until you see someone struggle to breath desperately holding on to life at the end of its journey
Yet we live as immortals. Everlasting time to correct our actions and seek forgiveness, completely ignorant of time
I thank god for granting me another year
I am happy to be share more days with family and friends, but this means i am not yet worthy to enter heaven
Is that not the goal of all Christians
We should rejoice at funerals and mourn at birthdays

I do thank god with all I have for giving me more days to fill his house with song and praise and to serve his children
I thank god for more moments with my family
I thank god for a healthy body that can dead lift 20 kg
I thank god for a mind and fingers that can reveal my passion and bring peace to my wondering soul
I thank god for blessing me with a companion, someone special is always waiting for me to return from wondering the night
I thank god for the person I have become, free from bitter and hate, true blessings
I thank the hand of god for always holding me and protecting me and being in control

Once I questioned god for showing me death so early in my life
Now I praise him for showing me death so early
No-one knows the distance I have covered and the strength of my heart

Desperately I scroll through my phone book
In need of a friend to listen and care
constantly checking my screen
Is someone looking or thinking of me?
A beep to tell me I'm not alone
I'm not worthless
I'm so hungry for human approval that I disgust myself
I am ashamed of myself
I pray for heavenly mercy and pray
But my faith is lacking at best
But faith is the only one to answer my call

the moment I realized that you can see me. you see the real me. pass my skin, blood vessels and muscles and see my soul, my heart and my spirit. I rejoiced! for so long I have wanted to be seen. I did everything "they" did and was not noticed. I did the opposite and was ignored I then just gave up. disappeared into the black ground, but my soul was reluctant putting words to fire, ice to emotions an clarity to thought

and now, unimaginable to me i was noticed. i am no longer just glanced over but thoroughly investigated and probed about why i write as i do. you see i write from the heart, my emotions laid bare on paper for all to explore. ( maybe someone can fins solace in my words ) instead of finding critic i found comforting words accepting and understanding of my words.

one word plus one make a sentence

two imperfections can complete the art work and create perfection

passion and pain love and war
infused in coffee and faith
playful although aged
able to love at will
not silenced by a harsh life
wide eyed amazement looks with glitter eyes
my dream for me in age

chewed up and spit out
used and recycled
written out and written off
this is reality of my world
life is hard may time be kind and gentle
look up, see heaven
not my dream for me in any age

mum made it look easy
in high heels and a smile
her stride where smooth
after two years it not any easier
i got use to it
not what i wanted for young vibrant me

someday endless days of laughter
no tears or sadness
just joy
my dream for me

you gave me thee most precious gift of all
the be seen through the eyes of a pure heart
a fellow soul in hardship
we are more alike than plausible
honestly , to me, unimaginable
i desperately need sleep
my fluttering soul keeps me awake
my mind a live with words
words i can't control
they have a life and mind of there own
i cant remember the last time i felt this alive
and i did not write tragedies
yes we are flawed
but we complete each other, so
the flaws are made perfect