you gave me thee most precious gift of all
the be seen through the eyes of a pure heart
a fellow soul in hardship
we are more alike than plausible
honestly , to me, unimaginable
i desperately need sleep
my fluttering soul keeps me awake
my mind a live with words
words i can't control
they have a life and mind of there own
i cant remember the last time i felt this alive
and i did not write tragedies
yes we are flawed
but we complete each other, so
the flaws are made perfect

When eve cry
Angels rush
To catch each tear
Emergency love thread
Catch each broken piece
Slowly gently thread eve whole
The cracks remain
Gold of giving
Gold of love
Gems of faith
Heat of gods love
Mend eve's broken pieces whole again
The mending a memory
The day satan tried to **** god's eve
Heavens darling
Paid with jesus's blood
Your master and creator will never surrender you
Love unending and true

mamma, your babies got a special friend
he is 5 feet odd
velvet dark chocolate skin
smooth tenor voice
with gentle eyes
hand covered in calluses, you know
your baby got a provider with a romantic soul
a lover of the spoken word
fellow poet, thank our stars
he the fire, me the air, what a pair
please bless our endeavours
K

i have to forgive myself for choosing to love you
you got a taste of true love affection and support
you got scared and ran
not before beating me emotionally dead
sealing the deal with i am sorry lies
you played and used me perfect like a marionette
a star performance indeed
but in the end you will regret
it will be a regret that will eat you alive
you will never find someone better that me
good luck with the lesser woman that you chose over me

a strong spirit is just that
after being battered, mislead,humiliated by life and experience in the enemies hope to brake you. like the phoenix from the ash will rise a stronger and wiser spirit. carrying the battled scares with pride for they are your badge of honor. i made it through he storms my faith intack end even stronger for truly a mosterd seed size faith can move mountains. somehow even more beautiful than in youth for age has matured the wine and the beauty

what to do with my humiliation at the hands of the best phantom father i could have been cursed with
what to do with the raging anger in that grows with every thought in my soul
methodically you destroyed the love and respect mother patiently planted and watered in my heart
soon only a barren landscape will be left for your eyes to feast upon and denial will quench your throat
you lost your family long time back
to busy to realize and smell the coffee with burned toast
your house is ablaze dad

dear lover,
during my moments,, when i drive you up the wall
take my hand,
remember my gentle heart surrounded by tough armor
hold me close, and whisper, it is ok, to be weak
watch my tears as they fall and listen to my story
don't give advise
just be present and tender
in a while i will pick my sword again and march on to battle for adventure calls
but every once in a while i need to be weak

I hate my life
The lack of meaningful relationships
The lack of connection to people
The lack of fulfillment
I live in pretence
Only way to make it through
I live alone
I eat alone
I sleep alone
I wake alone
I walk alone
I worry alone
I am tired of this emptiness
I hate my life
Oh how i have tried and tested
Gambled and broke
Left misrable heartbroken
Why this winter rose lives
I can't fathom
I fear death
I fear suicide
I fear cutting
But need release
I hate my life

With every I love you
Your heart whispered soft promises
Respect, love, protection, friendship and commitment
Why am I collecting the pieces of my heart
So many little pieces
Some so small, lost forever
My saving grace, thought answered prayers
Tested it by faith so many times
So afraid to love
Needed to be sure
Oh God did the devil fool me
Did I unknowingly trust him
My saving grace
The devil with scorched wings and stolen halo
Once me
Me broken and discarded
Worth no more than dirt

This broken love denied house
Still stands
Enduring raging storms and maddening madness called life

my life has never been a victory march
it is filled with broken promises
dead dreams and empty wishes
there is no movie soundtrack to break the silence
there is no add break to give space to heal and breath
only the growing list of things i will never experience never enjoy and never know
i live a forced isolation but surrounded by people
loneliness has never missed and appointment

i took a leap of faith
i crashed broke and got discarded like trash

faith is all i have left
it keeps me going
when i am so dead that tears won't flow

whispers in corners
always in the shade
running to the light
just out of reach
life long tale
dust in air in between
stolen lives lived
sad eye watch
jealousy creep in
slowly unnoticed
ding **** to late
full grown green eyed monster
hopeless future
desireless breath
self abuse routine
self hatred is fun
evil lives inside

i may be to late or just in time, but i will arrive to help you pick up the pieces and i will hold them in my hands till you need them or want them back. when you need i will help piece them together and support each piece until the glue sets in. i am anything but polite and political correct, i love to analise and rethink things a million times, and some but i will always be a loyal friend only seperated by your verbal desire to release me from this promise.
even after the loss of friendship i will still bestow the highest form of love unto you: forgiveness over and over again.

My mind is flying
Among clouds
Reaching stars
My haert is falling
How can one body
Crash and fly
All at once
Being pulled apart
Never to be again
Numbness follows
On the heals of a complete meltdown
Shame how i acted
Shame does not help
Powerless in my sitsuation
I numb out
Missing you is easy
Longing for you is torture

Lead me not to unhinge
A passionate sensitive fierce mind
Not tamed by time
Just so you can feel complete
Not my duty
Your lack of confidence
At fault
No challenge
The light of mind shine bright
Darkness cannot live
The tides coming to end

you rode my hopes and dreams
your weight broke em
blood spatter everywhere
pieces riddle the floor
i'm unsave-able
next stop
the garbage
gathering place for the broken
alive, breathing but worthless
factory reject
caught in a negative life cycle
a curse inherited
my black birth right
what to do?

my face
silent constant reminder
sins willingly committed
by arrogant youth
old age conscience rides you
my face
your penance
all on you
not my sin
your selfish actions
when done
felt great
felt empowered by deceitful acts
now, in old age
cols consequences
the wheel turns
karma wins
you pay price when old

monsters are created not born
each life event that shapes us
heartache, humiliation, pain, tears , sorrow
these combined with loneliness, abandonment
allow monsters to breed , multiply and strife
by the time you realize its to late
each morning i rise
tired from battle
a loosing fight
only extending the inevitable death blow
why i don't know
born stubborn
my undoing
few drops of hope
i thought i destroyed it
faith for a better future
a future that will never come
destined for pain and grief
STOP
embrace the inescapable truth
my monsters have won

Feeling alone inlove
Cant help to wonder
About her
Your real wife
You say i hold your hand
I doubt always
I am the consolation prize
No value as a person
No mind whose opinions to hear
Only pretence to care
Goal is children
No matter what
You belong to another

Starting to justify
Grabbing at straws
Why you wont spent time with me
Why are you always busy
Me throughing tantrums
Want attention
Want what i want
I pace myself
Reason with myself
Bring thoughts to perspective
He loves me deeply
He is committed to me
He does care about me
Showing it is lacking
I just so lonely missing you
In my corner
Feeling forgotten
What lies a tell myself

surrounded by the world of people
no one notice me going of the deep end
no one notice my internal struggle
no one notices my internal struggle winning
I have always known no one really cares about me
nothing really struck home
hope was still alive that maybe
JUST  MAYBE
courage kept the coroner sway

but now

are my eyes that dead?!
my brown eyes blend with all the other brown eyes
I am nothing
I do not exist
I am no more

the struggle devoured me
no one came to help

we all  carry a bucket of grace
to be handed out
more so when conflicted to proof loyalty and appreciation
i tell my heart to keep the course
being crushed by circumstance
blood seeping through my ribs
agony over unanswered prayers
internally plotting revenge
conflicting thought with my teaching
a bucket of grace exchanged for a sea of tears

memories the root of pain
when created cause joy or sorrow
when envisioned an illusive dream
when relived give life to our demons
demons that torment and brake us
till embracing them is normal
memories should be lived then erased
each day anew
a blank book
monsters are made from repeat pain through memories
pain that lingers long after the scabs are gone

Distorted view of self
The mirror never says im beautiful
I cheer for others
Presenting a happy care-free woman
Unscaved by life and struggles
Confident and strong
Capable and wise
Independant and dependable
I choose my mask carefully
My public persona important
Dont want anybody to know
The depth of my hurt
A hurt so deep
Dark and cold
Light has never and never will reach
Disabling pain
I am ashamed
My cross no-one must see
The pain that tries to destroy
Only *******
Cheer will power i rise
Slowly building resilient
Soon i will no longer feel it

twinkle twinkle
grown up star
everyone life
is moving and improving
But me I am so stuck
stuck in pain depression loneliness and fear
they are the only constant I know in my life
i want to go to sleep and never wake up
for this life has brought me nothing
tears
pain
despair
envy
hate
loneliness
depression
BUT all others see is a girl that can land on her feet
a girl that handles her business
a girl that smiles and chat

but no one ever really sees me
no on

mum did
I miss her so
words cannot describe
the void she left

forgiveness comes easy after atonement
but lack of remorse, reason or atonement
infuriates the bones of the victim
forced to revisit the humiliation , powerlessness , agony and grief
true for victim and victor
we all carry a piece of heaven
it conflicts us
we can ignore
but death brings reality not enlightenment
time the oldest propaganda created to enprison
we believe there is time
endless time to atone
finally face to face with the pain caused and ignored
the monster created through pride

Never before
The depth of my feelings
Frighten me to shiffers
If you were to be revealed a lie
I would succumb to the pain
Breathing but dead
You are a beautiful dream
Waking
What horror

I pray love is true and faithfull
I am lost to you
Lack of confidence
Birth doubt
Unneeded doubt
I am so afraid
Petty fight
Short temper
Rolling eyes
Sass and attitude
All walls
To protect
No to hide
My shame
My fear
My terrified heart

My bibo
Please be only mine,please

i have learned the ability to numb my life to the point where days blur into each other no action standing out above the rest. the action only muffles the voiceless screams of my soul. my life is pain. my life is empty. my life feels meaningless. i bring bliss to others peoples lives why can non of them return the simple favour.

yes i pray, i read the bible and i focus on the silver cloud in the distance but lord knows the distance seems stagnant for oh so long i cant remember the last time it declined. only the illusion that it declines if i try harder.

trying harder and harder empties my soul and i have no refill available. the sky came down one day and took all my refills even the hidden ones. but i am still here half dead a quarter breathing the rest just is.

A teenage giggling love
Being lived by 30 somethings
This time is differant
This time its real
True blue love

In your arms i feel safe
You only second to mom
Your smile reassures me
Your touch ,i know you desire me
You have become home

You make the stars twinkle more intense
The moon is enchanting
A love romance not an inlove romance
I embrace the night
Lovers meet and passion ignite

Lean slender body and limbs
Looks it not but strong
Pulls me, bossy and hungry
Kisses demanded
My full attention
Electric charges rush through the body
Hands speak no words
We cannot resist

Soon being apart the usual 2 nights
Torture it will become
Bibo cranky fussing and biting
Put a ring on it
Together forever

i also need help
can't help my quills
please don't mind the pain
i try to keep them flat
old memory confuse new emotions
my defenses flare up
kicking screaming and fussing
i draw blood
no one wants to come close
afraid
alone in the knife drawer i live
exiled
deemed dangerous and edgy
these 6 enclosures
no windows
alone
my stubborn nature
refuse to yield
i will over come
a home i made
i love my home
my comfort and haven
small heaven to me
no porch light
no second chances
forgiveness lives next door

A wirlpool of ideas
Moving at unthinkable speed
Each thought thread
Intertwined in new vines
Sprouting new growth
A maze
Created high and wide
All from you stirring my deepest fear

You say only me
Your actions proof it
Your a mastermind with planning
Clever manipulator
My bibo
Why is she found on your phone
Leave this relation
I will cry
I will tear myself to pieces
When the dust settles
I piece myself togethe again
And live

i live in waiting for our moments
to bask in your presence
you radiate love, pure love
it warms my aches and pain
healing blood flows to unhealed wounds
you press me so hard all my broken pieces reconnect
an old battle axe
scared wounded half dead, only existing
day to day
hardly breathing, but to stubborn to yield
wandering in the shadows
needing a home
afraid
you found me
i resisted
you proved love

i am home

i am obligated to bring all before my God in Heaven
the path i travel can only be with his blessing and guidance
i stand in the pond of love
basking in the rays of joy
afraid to bring you before my God
i haide my face in fear
fear of his answer
you not being worthy in his eyes of his daughter
fear of you not being my destiny
fear of having to release you
ful knowing my soul will die
by bibo, my own bibo
you awaken my dead body
breathed fresh air into my life
rekindled my love of life
i dram again
i do not want a life without you

my heart is genuine
it cannot lie nor hide
an artist at core
saying what other fear
this is me
the real me
thank you for seeing me

tired body
callus hands
sun colored skin
mind always analiazing
which is possible next move
like a well played chess game
pride of family
supporting many
silent and strong
tender and loving
true and loyal
i respect your hustle
i appreciate your hustle
day in and day out
if you need i will help build
if you allow i will help
if you call i will help

You declare your love
My scares tell my story
Lost faith
Broken trust
Hopeless hope
You declare your love
I hesitate
I believe you unworthy
Unexplained
My demons are back
They influence my perspective
The noise is overwhelming
Only my ears hear
Internal battle rages
You declare your love
This include my demons?
Cylift straight jacket them
Numbness bring quite
Makes me not me
You stil wanne declare your love
I cannot seperate my demons from me
We are the matrix
All one
Connected and the same
Do you still want me
Will your arms be my cage when needed
Will your chest be my embrace
Will your voice console me
Will your touch comfort me

Today, i hate my life
Why, i dont know
Feel stuck on a game board
They forgot to tell me the rules
I keep loosing
Restart game
Forced to play wounded
Today, i hate my life
Tired of being taken for a fool
Tired of expectations given
But broken again and again
I am to old for these games
Gues i will die some day still not knowing what it feels like to be a priority
I creep to space out
Why be present
Reality, nightmare without end
I hate my life
I hate my existance
More plus more plus more
No light
It was consumed by its inner darkness
Arent we all, consumed
Chew chew spit spit
We live skeleton lifes
I hate my life
Its punishment from karma

Healing from pain
Is easy
The hard
Not measuring others by this
Allowing each new person to bloom
In there season in your life
Only by complete forgiveness time and forgetfullness
Can this happen?
How to get there?
How to heal a lifelong insecurity and abuse
Yes they used me and then discarded
Yes they lied and betrayad me
Yes they healed but abandoned me
Yes they devalued me to fit in there box
Yes i was left to not return

This person is totally not them
I need to stop comparing him to them
Change my deep ingrained selfdestructive
Yet self preservative thinking
My only hope
The voice wispers but what if your feelings are wrong

the warmth of the sun
the light of the moon
this you are to me
your presence give me hope
your laugh bring me joy
your smile reassures me
love unending
unknown to me
until now
i love you
bibo, my bibo
always be my bibo

a pizza after work to watch the sunset
going to the beach to feel the ocean and sand play with my feet
star gazing with moonlit walks over icy grass
a small gift just because

precious insignificant moments
there echo feed and strengthen me
i knew them once
i long to live them again

forced to live with myself
the greatest punishment
everyday is a burden, a constant struggle
lately i've been asking
what is the struggle about
the more i do the more it hurts
solution STOP
stop struggling and smile for the last
don't panic under water
relax and drown
the weight will carry us to dark depths of water
no-one will ever know or care
no flowers no grave

stages of grieve what *******
true loss, grief never leaves
it latches onto your shadow
follows you
engulfing you
evolving, constantly shrinking and growing
but never leaving
taunting you
until you brake
grief laughs triumphantly
heartache rides in on a pale horse
powerless i watch
numb i only exist
for brief moments in life i smile
not laugh, smile
even a forced laugh
speak words hearts only hear

loving you has always been an endless struggle
but you are all i have
circumstance forces me to acknowledge this
your death will leave me orphaned
my children will never know their gran parents
your house will never vibrate with children's laughter
the hand we are dealt , struggle
everything comes to an end
courage needed to continue on a new path
unknown below my feet
cautious
we fight hard
we battle fierce
we never bonded
no house to be found
but i love you
you the start of my bloodline
you failed me
time heals but trust broken cannot be restored
but dare i say
love covers all
my inner turmoil over come by fear of being alone
fresh the memory of heartache so complete it nearly killed me
completely alone on my path
to me i was dead just breathing

once i n anger and hatred
i prayed for your last breath to make haste
i longed to be free of you
considered the blood curse on my life
endless source of suffering in silence
now i fear the moment your last breath come
i pray it evades you
for when it depart

orphaned i will be

Rocking myself
Back and forth
Back and forth
Rocking myself better
Feeding myself love
Tryna self medicate
My close people look puzzled
What cause this severe reaction of depression
Truth i fell inlove
Completely
Unplanned
For 2nd time in my life
I have someone i cant be without
I fear your loss
Leaving me dead
The fear cripples me
Poisons me slowly
Help i think but dont speak
How to handle
How to get better
How to rebuild stronger

not a family

why be present
you look at me with disappointment
you don't understand
my reality is killing me
i am desperate to escape
how do i run from me

living alone
something broke
i find pleasure creating self destructive drama
and of course i play the lead
the lone crusader
always misunderstood
always left behind and forgotten
i am so sick of myself
wish i could just reboot
or better delete
home planet will be better of without the drama
my inner sanctuary permanent ruin
silly girl
allow entry to the devil dressed grant
most days i exist switched off
breathing, thinking switched off
i have mostly given up on living
sad but true
the self destructive drama have taken no victim
just claimed its price

I question my sanity
Do i see truth
Or am i fabricating my own truth
Its easier to believe your guilt
Its unbelievably hard to keep your truth
You and me
True love
Faithfull love
Trustworthy love
Real passionate love
When with you
I feel the intense love you radiate
When you leave i fall in the void
Not water
Not fog
Not cold
A void
Black
How can i be so lucky to have been found by you
How can i be so lucky that you chose me and only me
All this is to good to be happening to me
The dark sorrowful one

I reward the ghost in my head
Fresh blood offerings
A daily schedule
Never realised
Found myself
Drained on the floor
Starring into nothing
Disbelieve visible
It was my own blood i gave
Self sacrifice
Doomed myself
Refused to believe my eyes
Real love knocked and entered
This web filled dusty house
He chose to call home

Cant help but to feel a fool
Used and useless
Not sure how to discard
Too many people
High ecpectations
You created them
Now doubt creeps
You compare me to her
She is young and beautiful
I am old and "not that beautiful"
She is thinly build and desireble
I am chubby and not "smart looking"
She is always at her station
I am sosially akward
She speaks elegantly
I speak my mind
I have curly hair
She is everything i can never be
Why you choose me if you want to re-create her
I'm not worthy as i am
What a cruel reality
Never being enough
Always last choice
Always consilation prize
Who is the lesser devil

I have no super powers
No special gift or talent
I am a plain flower
Struggling through the seasons
Yet to bloom
When times get rough
I switch off
I see
I hear
I understand
I feel annoying
I feel socially awkward
I isolate myself
Alone with my demons
Music
Chemicals
My thoughts, no matter how obscure
They are mine, authentic and false
I cuddle my teddy and gold, my cat

We talk about marriage and children
I should be ecstatic
I find only fear and confusion
When my eyes fall upon you
I am complete happy and confident
The great devide of absence
Steals my confidence
Worsen by my gemini personality
Over thinking
over analizing
Constantly observing detail
Right or wrong
Plotting
Planning
Two sides of a coin
Im drowning in my head
I cannot trust myself
My mind
My heart
My gut
They all lie to me
No one knows
The turmoil hidden in my jaws
Clenched teeth
Energetic laugh
Clowning jokes
No one knows
No one sees