raised after 1994 post-apartheid
i was thought ultimate freedom is a birth right
more so to the previously dis-advanced
i had freedom, i thought
till i met the big un-penetrable white wall
the descendants from apartheid
racism covered by nice words, teaching and helping
meaning we govern you, you are incapable of self govern
a wall that claims land for a 'superior race'
claims entitlement as payment for teaching and helping

a wall that destroys the human soul
drives the light from eyes
dries young people's bones
a wall that butchers equal to the inquisition
salt, cayenne, lemon rubbed into emotional wounds

"a stolen ox is eaten and forgotten,
but stolen land remains in the eye"
martin Luther king wrote the dream speech 1963
that dream is still just that, a dream
words on paper
hope in the eyes of non-whites
but no closer to reality
the white wall holds

when mamma played house
behind the white picket and brown door
tears paved the way
small and unsure of the worlds
i watched with curiosity, never understanding
you speak love words
what you aim to be
what you believe to be possible
your actions speak to your footing
what you really can do
who you really are
oh how hope messed mamma up
some day the disappointment will leave my words
got my own broken , testing the science
no wish for playing house
freedom and love for me, Amen

what should be rejoice filled days
have become my most controversial and agony filled
to i comply with the charade,
do i withdrew from judgemental eyes,
since becoming an adult this decision has brought me more discomfort than poverty
i tried and could not find one compliment to give my dad
his parenting is overshadowed by mum's on every level
mean while the unseen battle continues for my soul
Jesus vs logic
love and forgiveness vs fruits from past actions

in my mind i will always be 25
that year my life rocked to a shattered stop
the anniversary of my arrival is no longer celebrated
my loss, agreed

what to do? oh what to do?
usually i put my head in the sand and pray the day to end
while wearing one of my best masks
that is the cowards way, i should behave like an adult, right

my fancy writing and good choice in words
are perfect in camouflage my deep devouring pain
if my soul could bleed it would be drained
oh how i miss my glory days
in youth i thought it will last
the only lasting thing i have is pain, questions and regret
i fear the end of the nightmare
who am i if not lonely and in pain
what awakens my muse and clothe my mistress
pain, regret and questions is all I've known for so long
me malformed
humanity wont take me back
all i know is exile
i dream of better, but then who will i be

neglected terrified animals with blank stares
move humans to action
a stance to stop this
we prosecute these humans that brake the code
yet we allow young beautiful women to be treated the same
with no repercussions
young beautiful wild powerful tigresses
broken over time till blank obedient stares
family, communities, society sits and watch
the husband praised and hailed
wow what a contradiction
and you ask me to marry?
why would i choose to live forever in a cage?
i choose to be wild and free
to live as god intended for me

mamma, your babies got a special friend
he is 5 feet odd
velvet dark chocolate skin
smooth tenor voice
with gentle eyes
hand covered in calluses, you know
your baby got a provider with a romantic soul
a lover of the spoken word
fellow poet, thank our stars
he the fire, me the air, what a pair
please bless our endeavours
K

stop fronten
yes you the boys i once fancied
we all know you missed out
let a good thing slip by
all in the name of swag
swag + hood status + reputation + ego
you sleep alone
liven with mom's
no queen to defend the king
check-mate
we all grow old and alone
not all with regret
dyeing young is a myth
a blessing for few
stop fronten

raised on words of Jesus's bible
given examples to follow from street bible
people in fancy clothes and houses
we were the joneses
the Lords word flowed like spit
with hearts black and cold like real street gangster
raised with loyalty to i am my brothers keeper
together we die
together we ride
together we carry the cross
knew no other way and i believed it to be righteous, the path
joke was on me
what a fool i was
i truly believed, " i am my brothers keeper and they were mine"
believed with my life, soul, blood and, heart
i believed, i believed
walked straight into a trap
was lucky when i fell
i fell on  my knees
God carried me out of the misty,cold, dark woods
psalm 23, hallelujah

now i have been blamen daddy for this drama
lets for once put blame were blame belongs
both papa and mamma had mothers, both alive and well
he matriarch of each family
they stood and watch as i was fed to wolves
torn apart i was left to die
of course they had to wait for mamma to die
11/01/2013 God caled her home and open season was declared
God, I never knew i was the trophy

2 years later
i have succeeded in leaving behind the street life
still got mammas husband
a father who love his daughter, but a love i can't take to the bank
i finally got to know the author of the bible and know i'm not alone
i realise in silent moments, to my despair
i may not have made mamma proud
i dropped the code
and i am no longer my brothers keeper
pray for me
please

street cred makes a boy a man
able to take care of business declares manhood
then why are they actin fools around women
playen, traden and, braken hearts
forgetting that is someones daughter, sister, mother, etc
women give birth to men and are trampled on by men
humiliated, disrespected, disregarded, mistreated, abused and, neglected
all with a smile and honey coated words
sweat melting int he mouth bitter swallowing
disturbing to the stomach, difficult to ***** out
trapping women desperate for safety
proudly declaring: "i am man"
sealed with appalling behaviour
this is how i see the generation, from which i have to choose my mate from
party,high maintenance girls chosen
dependable good women ignored
this begs the question what is a real man
lots declare publicly, i am a good man
bias and subjected words to safe faded honor
honor
a word created to make ego taste better

an old, well known, thought lost, and irretrievable sensation
runs through my soul infecting my body and mind
reaffirming my original slogan, "go big or go home"

fresh 18 year old feeling, but with a touch of maturity
less ambition and exciting-fear
have no idea what i am doing, but this time i know that it is ok not to know

even on a good day do i feel that i am lacking in others eye's and no matter how i try to reshape myself or add or detract i am never enough. i try and treat people as i which to be treated admittedly not always succeeding but i put in the time and effort. yet i am always left behind. never picked for a summer street game. never invited to events. never part of the social light. i try to just be me and be. but even this cause my heart to tare due to even more mirrors braking.
in the end im left in the dark wondering how come i am willing to forgive and give second chances but non are afforded to me, no understanding or empathy is shown.
and then they call me names

finally i have found what i have lost some three plus years back that indestructible bold unpolished teenage spirit that experienced knew things every single day unknowingly challenging the envelope, and it never broke, but molded and bended to all the magic my mind could conjure up. i stood on the cuff of my future and leaped forward not seeing the staircase but through faith and i flew. i made the mistake of coming down because i missed the misinterpreted notion of belonging to a pride. see when an eagle is raised by ground based eagles who believe themselves to be chickens its difficult to comprehend the new found freedom of the sky it is over whelming and i gave it up, unknowingly.
ever since, i could feel the gnawing emptiness in my soul. the wild wanting to fly and never feel the  conforms of society again. i have been busy with chicken for too long. selling my gracefulness on the cheap.

you love me
but you do not trust me
you make love to me
but you are distant
you embrace me
but you hide from me
you are gentle and kind
but you push me away
jackal and hyde
love and trust
an unthoughtful marriage

you have conquered my heart
the weak link of the trinity
my strong and fierce mind
you are yet to impress, potential is not action
she sends warning signals constantly through the nervous system
warning against future heartache and tremendous disappointment
with smirk remarks about:
    always having to put heart back together again
    always having to help heart rationalize things
    having to protect heart from foolish action
my soul watches and listens
yet to enter the debate
only one requirement mentioned
God fearing and true follower of Jesus Christ

boldly i stand and ask my Heavenly Dad
resting on his chest
"Dad is he worthy of the King's Daughter?''
the answer scares me
did i listen correctly
after knowing his checkered past
its the wealth of the heart and the content of character that matters most

you shower me with affection and rose water words
ever so subtle blind siding me
yesterday you threatened me
today you grabbed my wrist, hard enough
tomorrow, i am not waiting to find out
true no visible bruise
baby i was just playing, covered by a boyish smile
that devilish smile i struggle to resist
but i was not having fun, enough for a wake up call
the love you planted and carefully watered in my heart
are slowly suffocating under the weight of fear for you
trust died the moment the pain signal from my wrist reached my brain
what a pity for us both
this had the potential of a great love affair
the kind legends are made of

geselsies oor stomende boere troos
kombuis warm gekuier
stemme weerkaats sagkens van mure
my verlore jong meisie dae
as ek maar kon weet
woorde aan die wind
wys en syd versprei
soos die skerwe van my hart
onherroepbaar weg , stof bedek
die inuitputbare gemis
geen ander skaduwee kan begryp
tyd heel niks
jy leer leef in leemte en skerwes
huis met krake en gebreuke
tot als in tuimel
soet versoening
tot dan
siels kreute, hallelujah

lies that bind and wind souls together
trees creating a jungle over time
the green camouflage for make believe smiles and lives
hustling and bustling
trying to catch the wind
bottle the sunset
and command love
an eye blink
one missed heart beat
death collects
the forging fire seizes
a legacy named
carved in beating hearts
good or bad
a life ended

once i eagerly awaited the patter patter of your feet
a smile covered face in anticipation
my eyes rejoice
my heart race
blushing cheeks are lovingly embraced
to souls joined again
how naive i have been
your patter patter brings anxiety for fear of the wrath
the grows and brews under the service
exploding without any clear sign
the volcano erupts
the molting lava desecrates all living in its path
succeeding in annihilating the last of my love and affection
barren wasteland all that is left
my mind understands
my souls questions
my body remembers
my heart cannot believe, a wounded soldier in disbelieve of bleeding wounds and missing limbs
i have been here before with cold and broken hallelujah's
the show goes on there is no curtain call
falling on knees
arms on high
singing my broken hallelujah

what to do with my humiliation at the hands of the best phantom father i could have been cursed with
what to do with the raging anger in that grows with every thought in my soul
methodically you destroyed the love and respect mother patiently planted and watered in my heart
soon only a barren landscape will be left for your eyes to feast upon and denial will quench your throat
you lost your family long time back
to busy to realize and smell the coffee with burned toast
your house is ablaze dad

With every I love you
Your heart whispered soft promises
Respect, love, protection, friendship and commitment
Why am I collecting the pieces of my heart
So many little pieces
Some so small, lost forever
My saving grace, thought answered prayers
Tested it by faith so many times
So afraid to love
Needed to be sure
Oh God did the devil fool me
Did I unknowingly trust him
My saving grace
The devil with scorched wings and stolen halo
Once me
Me broken and discarded
Worth no more than dirt

This broken love denied house
Still stands
Enduring raging storms and maddening madness called life

Desperately I scroll through my phone book
In need of a friend to listen and care
constantly checking my screen
Is someone looking or thinking of me?
A beep to tell me I'm not alone
I'm not worthless
I'm so hungry for human approval that I disgust myself
I am ashamed of myself
I pray for heavenly mercy and pray
But my faith is lacking at best
But faith is the only one to answer my call

i have to forgive myself for choosing to love you
you got a taste of true love affection and support
you got scared and ran
not before beating me emotionally dead
sealing the deal with i am sorry lies
you played and used me perfect like a marionette
a star performance indeed
but in the end you will regret
it will be a regret that will eat you alive
you will never find someone better that me
good luck with the lesser woman that you chose over me

my life has never been a victory march
it is filled with broken promises
dead dreams and empty wishes
there is no movie soundtrack to break the silence
there is no add break to give space to heal and breath
only the growing list of things i will never experience never enjoy and never know
i live a forced isolation but surrounded by people
loneliness has never missed and appointment

i took a leap of faith
i crashed broke and got discarded like trash

faith is all i have left
it keeps me going
when i am so dead that tears won't flow

when you love
the heart takes a silent vow
the mind brakes the covenant
the heart shatters
swim in disbelieve and regret
struggling t breath inderstanding
in the end darkness knows misery , pain and suffering
time does not heal
it binds the pieces into shape
the brokenness remains

I see couples holding hands
families spending time
the air filled with laughter and joy
the full magic of summer

here i am
alone and forgotten
forced to watch from the outside
refused entry
destiny is mocking me
constantly reminding me of what it is i cannot have but desperately desire and need

hopeless and confused
paralyzed by fear
torn
I wish the days by
happy holidays to me

i fear my slow but steady descent back into depression
the gut wrenching sadness is back and stronger than before
fueled by being orphaned at a time of year that poses its own challenges
combined with a fusion of anger, regret, self hatred, shame and desire for revenge
all blanketed by lack of joy of all things and people
left alone my thoughts run rampant and devour me
a history of fighting demons i ran so hard from hoping to never see them again, but lady luck did not smile just a devilish grin

twinkle twinkle
little star
how I envy you
surrounded never alone
all family

please share yourself
I have no one
fear fill me
fear engulf me
despair follow
an old friend is back
depression my only companion
dumb by meds
a coward I am indeed
reality is harsh
I re-lend I cannot face
I feel nothing at last
thank god for modern meds
give my emotions time to balance and anxiety to dissipate

who will bury me
who will look for me
who will wait for me
who will tend to me
who will wonder over me
who will dream of me
who will for I have no one left
will anyone!
no one will ever

I am orphan
by time and space
dreams my glorious relieve
away from a world
that does not want me
and does not love me
and does not care
no human connection
I am held by faith
my GOD my Father
the TRINITY
the SON JESUS
and the HOLLY GHOST
nothing more
and nothing less

twinkle twinkle
grown up star
everyone life
is moving and improving
But me I am so stuck
stuck in pain depression loneliness and fear
they are the only constant I know in my life
i want to go to sleep and never wake up
for this life has brought me nothing
tears
pain
despair
envy
hate
loneliness
depression
BUT all others see is a girl that can land on her feet
a girl that handles her business
a girl that smiles and chat

but no one ever really sees me
no on

mum did
I miss her so
words cannot describe
the void she left

surrounded by the world of people
no one notice me going of the deep end
no one notice my internal struggle
no one notices my internal struggle winning
I have always known no one really cares about me
nothing really struck home
hope was still alive that maybe
JUST  MAYBE
courage kept the coroner sway

but now

are my eyes that dead?!
my brown eyes blend with all the other brown eyes
I am nothing
I do not exist
I am no more

the struggle devoured me
no one came to help

whispers in corners
always in the shade
running to the light
just out of reach
life long tale
dust in air in between
stolen lives lived
sad eye watch
jealousy creep in
slowly unnoticed
ding **** to late
full grown green eyed monster
hopeless future
desireless breath
self abuse routine
self hatred is fun
evil lives inside

you charged with supporting me
enjoy through stones and using sticks
joyful laughter at my mistakes
my failure your pride
a second family
now your only family
me discarded rejected alone and theft victim
you got your revenge
but blood lust not satisfied
i am tired
this war not mine
stolen life
you live free and well god has blessed
me muddied struggling hopeless
you win i give up

stuff my face
plug the pain
feelings does not need to feel
food addiction the start
the end, death will come slow
enough time to rectify
why rectify?
a flower in the field
wind blows away
no-one noticed or new it existed
point in stopping self abuse through stuffing face?
black life extended, torture at its best
the mind pared with bad memories and hopeless outlook
the best of dungeons to find rest in
cold dark damp wonderful fear creep in

you broke me to feel empowered
what sick math
you lost more than me
trust, myself god can rebuild
loosing someone that really loves you
priceless replace-less
my conscience wont rest
haunted by my loss
powerless to act
filled with guilt and remorse
only crime
trusting and desire to be a family
both ripped from me
the step daughter that is not part of the fantasy being lived
obligated by my faith to forgive 7 x 70
your life joy filled
hardly remembering the unjust
committed and received
my life continuance circle of reliving the bad
you win i loose
you rejoice i die

the 5th commandment
honor they parents
my tempest since birth
prayer with tears pain grief sorrow smiles
blessing forgiveness bestowed
even self humiliation humbling self asking for forgiveness
all pointless
dust and air
darkest before the moon
what moon
moon does not exist
all make believe
you enjoy tempting me
you enjoy trampling me
you enjoy my failure
self gratification
revenge goal achieved
revenge on your own child
to what lows have you not crawled

my head filled with ghost
past, present , future
rooms chaotic and *****
at best
need to shut the door
forever
when knocks come
revere
a deep unfulfilled need
a need overlap with desire
desire for nurturing
physical contact
need for a solution
add dash of consistancey

my face
silent constant reminder
sins willingly committed
by arrogant youth
old age conscience rides you
my face
your penance
all on you
not my sin
your selfish actions
when done
felt great
felt empowered by deceitful acts
now, in old age
cols consequences
the wheel turns
karma wins
you pay price when old

you rode my hopes and dreams
your weight broke em
blood spatter everywhere
pieces riddle the floor
i'm unsave-able
next stop
the garbage
gathering place for the broken
alive, breathing but worthless
factory reject
caught in a negative life cycle
a curse inherited
my black birth right
what to do?

truth your tempest
your dark mind detest
an air born infection
racing through your body
destroying all good
blinded by deceit
truth recognizable
so many lies
uncountable
un-rectifiable
driving towards a quick end

no one will cry
all worthy tears have been spend
your demise
resemble a wild animal
only wind and sun will know
your resting place
your last words
unrecorded
lost

we all  carry a bucket of grace
to be handed out
more so when conflicted to proof loyalty and appreciation
i tell my heart to keep the course
being crushed by circumstance
blood seeping through my ribs
agony over unanswered prayers
internally plotting revenge
conflicting thought with my teaching
a bucket of grace exchanged for a sea of tears

forgiveness comes easy after atonement
but lack of remorse, reason or atonement
infuriates the bones of the victim
forced to revisit the humiliation , powerlessness , agony and grief
true for victim and victor
we all carry a piece of heaven
it conflicts us
we can ignore
but death brings reality not enlightenment
time the oldest propaganda created to enprison
we believe there is time
endless time to atone
finally face to face with the pain caused and ignored
the monster created through pride

memories the root of pain
when created cause joy or sorrow
when envisioned an illusive dream
when relived give life to our demons
demons that torment and brake us
till embracing them is normal
memories should be lived then erased
each day anew
a blank book
monsters are made from repeat pain through memories
pain that lingers long after the scabs are gone

forced to live with myself
the greatest punishment
everyday is a burden, a constant struggle
lately i've been asking
what is the struggle about
the more i do the more it hurts
solution STOP
stop struggling and smile for the last
don't panic under water
relax and drown
the weight will carry us to dark depths of water
no-one will ever know or care
no flowers no grave

stages of grieve what *******
true loss, grief never leaves
it latches onto your shadow
follows you
engulfing you
evolving, constantly shrinking and growing
but never leaving
taunting you
until you brake
grief laughs triumphantly
heartache rides in on a pale horse
powerless i watch
numb i only exist
for brief moments in life i smile
not laugh, smile
even a forced laugh
speak words hearts only hear

why do i feel empty
why do i feel used
nothing was forced
my true feelings betray my inner monologue
how to determine to keep holding your hand
at a loss for words and action , i am
can you sense my inner turmoil
do you pretend not to notice
afraid for the answer that lies between the murky
usually crystal clear free flowing thoughts
maybe my tiredness the cause
a flash flood
what have i done
stupid impulsive make believe queen

i wrestled with GOD
back and forth
why he safe me one more year
no one to share with

all along you waited for me

A teenage giggling love
Being lived by 30 somethings
This time is differant
This time its real
True blue love

In your arms i feel safe
You only second to mom
Your smile reassures me
Your touch ,i know you desire me
You have become home

You make the stars twinkle more intense
The moon is enchanting
A love romance not an inlove romance
I embrace the night
Lovers meet and passion ignite

Lean slender body and limbs
Looks it not but strong
Pulls me, bossy and hungry
Kisses demanded
My full attention
Electric charges rush through the body
Hands speak no words
We cannot resist

Soon being apart the usual 2 nights
Torture it will become
Bibo cranky fussing and biting
Put a ring on it
Together forever

a pizza after work to watch the sunset
going to the beach to feel the ocean and sand play with my feet
star gazing with moonlit walks over icy grass
a small gift just because

precious insignificant moments
there echo feed and strengthen me
i knew them once
i long to live them again

When the time comes
Will you be there my love
To hold my hand
And speak words of encouragement
To watch over me
Afraid something will happen
To pray for my recovery
The thought of life without me
Rock bottom life crippling fear
Will my dear one be present

Or will i be at the mercy of strangers
Family i have not
Close friends, yes
But they always return to there own lives
I am merely a pit stop

Left with only memories
Broken dreams
Shatterd wishes
Will only they visit when the time comes

Healing from pain
Is easy
The hard
Not measuring others by this
Allowing each new person to bloom
In there season in your life
Only by complete forgiveness time and forgetfullness
Can this happen?
How to get there?
How to heal a lifelong insecurity and abuse
Yes they used me and then discarded
Yes they lied and betrayad me
Yes they healed but abandoned me
Yes they devalued me to fit in there box
Yes i was left to not return

This person is totally not them
I need to stop comparing him to them
Change my deep ingrained selfdestructive
Yet self preservative thinking
My only hope
The voice wispers but what if your feelings are wrong

Its over
My dreams know
Inside i know
It still hurts
The why lives unanswered
From experience
The dust will settle
I will be stronger and wiser
I will live more guarded
This i know
Each time i brake
The pieces dont fit nicely again
But rearranged they do fit
I, differant stronger queen emerges
A small fire of hope survives
A worthy kning will come
If only in my dreams

when alone in thought
my mind wonders to a familiar thought
a fantasy created to boost the self
there i am the ******
strong
phenomenal
witty
beautifull
courages
supported
like­d and loved
respected
a leader
a mother
a wife
a daughter in law
everything in real i will never be and have
my empty reality
brakes me to the core
with great difficulty and emphasis , i smile
to convince myself and others i am truly happy
people look at me and see blessings
i wish i could look at myself
at least
and smile
it is okay, i got you
my own voice echos in my ears
my own voice has to be my strenght
why did God decide to give me a lonely path
a lonely life
a lonely mountain
the cold, the silence, the ache in my soul
it is slowly consuming me until nothing is left
nothing except these words
they speak of a battle once fought for the light
a battle lost to despair
these word is all i have