Left behind
Disgarded and broken
Quickly forgotten
Yesterdays favourite
Was called cool, funny and honest
Good quailities, i thought
Months of hardwork
Brick by brick
I thought
Building a strong friendship

It hurts, a differant hurt than i am use to
Unknown to me
I really care
Was proud to know you
No longer
Curse the day we met
You used me
Now kicked to the ground
Bruised and hurt

talent truly follows hard work and dedication
re-reading the words of my soul
i could have been great by now
non the less i found my voice again
hidden among the dust of time
entering from the cold night
field of forgotten memories at the back
running forward the future calls
may i be great with hard work and endurance

its scary people will see my soul
the words will echo my struggles
my demon relived and revealed
over and over and over
is this really what i want?

before the world i stand as woman, African queen
exotic beauty, strong, tough and resourceful
there in lies the damest of all that bind me to a cruel fate
"Africa, the birth place of mankind"
her daughters, slaughtered,mutilated and, raised to feel inferior
relaxers, skin lighting cream, weaves, wigs, diets
raised by western thinkers, propaganda splashed on the soap box
forced to work for the rich and powerful plastic people
forced watered down music

i dream of a world lead by African queen's
confident in there velvet cream skin
loving afro hair
swagging there bustyness with pride
no more selling our bodies for west
taking pride in being different

maturity admired exaggerated by far
assumed mutual care
me, stepped on Satans tail
ignoring elder warnings
believing Satans whispers
building, dreaming forging forever happiness on a whisper, sweat whisper
i enjoyed the dripping yellow whisper
smooth clear honey, flowed
my deity please remember me think me
i Begg for my soul, please mercy
please release my soul
ties that bind, please destroy
by faith alone, a righteous prayer
my redeemer lives
standing on faiths shoulder, my enemies crumble and fall
father please forgive an ignorant youth no more
old spit out toy, emotionless
the road is hard, please carry me
by faith alone, by faith alone

yes it's right, i am an abomination
created to gods own image
i am a gorgeous African queen
black, with ***** hair
fearless words, not watered down by lies, i speak
freedom my journey, never a servant
no other copy of me created

you look down at me
speak rough and loud
treat me like a beggar
down play my ideas
ignore my 150% at work

all this to keep me in my place
i pity you
your eyes tell it all, i need a beating to be put right
snake ***** gets kinder eyes
see how nice uneducated barbarian writes

keep me in my place?
keep me in my place!
keep me in my place

freedom in art
freedom in heart
freedom in expression
freedom of soul
deep understanding of expression
nourishing the mind
ever challenging
forward, keep moving, forward
freedom lived
freedom experienced
no words needed
the body moves, demand visible power
painful endurance for tender moment
graceful beyond delicate
captured in time, echoes for ever
what time, what space, its an illusion
eyes surrounded by deep dimples
flowing hair, expressing mouth
ooh how elegant the wine has become, well aged
the body demand respect in movement
the heart resilient
the mind always moving, wanderer
oh how beautiful the art of freedom

one man cannot bring a nation to its knees
but a nation can bring one man to his knees
we are trapped in slave mentality
we created our own royalties
not chosen by the content of character
the fruits of labour speaks clear n loud
corruption greed small minded

South Africa's royal family
chosen by the public
serving themselves
what a shame
on national television "nogal"
if ever i was ashamed to be South African
he and he alone
gave rise to freedom
called father of the nation
fed his children to the wolves of corruption and greed
yet we honour and praise him

upon marriage your blood signs a covenant
with a firm i do
before god and the community
upon my 1st breath a covenant was signed
you want praise for a physical abuse free home
how dare you
marriage described as playing with the mouse
your plaything taken by god
he gave you, he took away
you didn't keep your covenant
you broke and destroyed a young woman
she died in a gilded Gage
no-one knows the truth, you think
i was there
i saw, i remember, small but present
emotional abuse rang the bell
i begged for divorce from you
many a time
you married "your" mother,
she married" her" father,
one contract different expectations
a broken covenant
children are a gift from god,
my sisters both died, i lived
i was/am nothing in your eyes
the covenant

Need to clear my head
On the cross-over of insanity
Words and emotions running rampant
Pulling in all possible directions
Scratching at the door
The main personality is under threat
Turmoil created, but clarity is needed
Paper my only solution
Mums ashes disturbs my beauty sleep
My aunt is withholding it from me
Or can’t face the truth
It was just a task to be taken care of
Her front is empathy
When I needed it the most
I saw evil with a smile
Claiming to miss and love her sister
I am her image and legacy thrown with garbage, away
Someday we all will have to give word for our actions
Grandma took a whole year to die
She fought dying to the bitter end
Indeed the end was overly bitter and painful
This happened because she had no peace
To die you need peace and forgiveness
Was a very controlling woman
This was her downfall in the end
The same will be the fate of the last daughters
She was not tough on them
Today they are spoiled women trampling the family children
Their children is paying the price
God works with generations
For me healing begins when I share these words
My family used mum when alive
In death they give her no second thought
I miss her dearly because I was dependent on her still
In the least, the rest can honour her memory
My dreams are coded messages
My maternal grandma didn’t like me much when she was alive
In death she visits me by dreams, angry ****** expression
The dream fills me with negative emotions
Why she visits I do not know
I am afraid to find out, but curiosity is my master
I do miss her, but I do not miss the person she became in her senior years
Mean, isolated and bitter
The matriarch I revered, allowed favouritism to bring divide in her family
This is my in heritage I have to build on

my ******* affair
a blood covenant
continues negative on the balance sheets
a constant power struggle
my soul and unwavering obedience the prize
secretly a grudge grows
(encouraged by continual love famine
inclined by love withdrawal punishment)
poisoning the source

uncomprehensible to me
why i am always found unworthy
fathers love, blessing and protection
unattainable
withdrawal, nonacceptance and deliberate bad wishes
fertilizes the acre
what will the harvest be
tug of war for my sanity
my Heavenly Father and mum
vs
the enemy and dad
forge in this firepit
born among ashes

thank god, above all
me, born in age of female equality evolution
in any other age
me, a slave
confined by financial, educational and social inequality
fueled by power deluded women-peons
leaving mountains and dungeons in passing
tears of blood
shed by disillusioned soul
instinctively knowing,
i can create my own destiny
life time spend achieving
smoothing the road for future daughters
BUT
satans has intervened once more
present daughters do not value
their priceless inheritance
many squander it, willingly
but few remain
with noble footing
instinctively calling out, to higher power
uneducated, still knowing
god exist, he is watching
and my inner strength comes from my creator
who created for a purpose
hail the king of kings

baby girl,
beautiful precious African queen
stop being a princess waiting on prince charming
(its a disguise of thin foil on a trojan horse)
and be,
be the queen your meant to be
shake off the childish attitude and desires
the bell of womanhood has rung, way past
the dawn bring the new world
maturity here we come
i got your back
your true friend

raised after 1994 post-apartheid
i was thought ultimate freedom is a birth right
more so to the previously dis-advanced
i had freedom, i thought
till i met the big un-penetrable white wall
the descendants from apartheid
racism covered by nice words, teaching and helping
meaning we govern you, you are incapable of self govern
a wall that claims land for a 'superior race'
claims entitlement as payment for teaching and helping

a wall that destroys the human soul
drives the light from eyes
dries young people's bones
a wall that butchers equal to the inquisition
salt, cayenne, lemon rubbed into emotional wounds

"a stolen ox is eaten and forgotten,
but stolen land remains in the eye"
martin Luther king wrote the dream speech 1963
that dream is still just that, a dream
words on paper
hope in the eyes of non-whites
but no closer to reality
the white wall holds

the covenant
a precious reminder of gods enduring love
never wavering always the same
each generation
constant and faithful
written in in ancient language of the stars
upheld by blood
not black on white
birth is the seal
the contract cannot be void
even in death
responsibility , accountability follows
a shadow watching, recording every mistake, every achievement
humans cannot keep there word, god always keep
punishment is sure
only saved by repentance
heavenly beings lost touch with the true source
became earthly citizens

"if it pleases my Lord? Yes it pleases thee"
made famous by the English
formal gibberish saying nothing
well phrased for max words zero knowledge
this is ingrained in there offspring
Jackal smile and fancy words
the goose that could lay no egg
alas injustice is a good egg
penny wise pound foolish
the grandest motto ever
how proud can you feel, wallowing in mud and smiling
being led by the noise, following bread crumbs
who is the real servant and who is the master?

i know you have lost control
you serve the master you choose, thought it
would have been an envy apparent
you wee outsmarted, not outgunned

but know this my master owns it all
creator of all
master of all

raised after 1994 post-apartheid
i was thought ultimate freedom is a birth right
more so to the previously dis-advanced
i had freedom, i thought
till i met the big un-penetrable white wall
the descendants from apartheid
racism covered by nice words, teaching and helping
meaning we govern you, you are incapable of self govern
a wall that claims land for a 'superior race'
claims entitlement as payment for teaching and helping

a wall that destroys the human soul
drives the light from eyes
dries young people's bones
a wall that butchers equal to the inquisition
salt, cayenne, lemon rubbed into emotional wounds

"a stolen ox is eaten and forgotten,
but stolen land remains in the eye"
martin Luther king wrote the dream speech 1963
that dream is still just that, a dream
words on paper
hope in the eyes of non-whites
but no closer to reality
the white wall holds

street cred makes a boy a man
able to take care of business declares manhood
then why are they actin fools around women
playen, traden and, braken hearts
forgetting that is someones daughter, sister, mother, etc
women give birth to men and are trampled on by men
humiliated, disrespected, disregarded, mistreated, abused and, neglected
all with a smile and honey coated words
sweat melting int he mouth bitter swallowing
disturbing to the stomach, difficult to ***** out
trapping women desperate for safety
proudly declaring: "i am man"
sealed with appalling behaviour
this is how i see the generation, from which i have to choose my mate from
party,high maintenance girls chosen
dependable good women ignored
this begs the question what is a real man
lots declare publicly, i am a good man
bias and subjected words to safe faded honor
honor
a word created to make ego taste better

i am known by many descriptive names
daughter, friend, colleague, cousin, niece, aunt, and fellow Christian
but none give a preview of my soul
i myself do not know, brain washed by conformity
constantly seeking my missing parts
its like completing a challenging puzzle not knowing the complete image
blind thumbs in the mist and dark
grasping on to believe, " there must be something out there"

mum's well intended tough upbringing ended in a two sided razor sharp sword
i am independent, intelligent, and successful
that same achievements cause me no shortage of frenemies
and a severe debilitating starvation for true friendship and love
men wont touch me with a 10 foot poll
both sexes make me out to be weird beyond the point of recognising there reflexion in me
imprisoned in a life i wanted, successful
with a incurable case of loneliness, i'm drowning out with food and bad poetry
this is my roaring twenties, hooray
cant wait for the next 80 years
going senile will be a blessing
no longer haunted by pain and unreached potential

My Journey
once young i believed of a world made of ice-cream and chocolates
i believed in air castles
i dreamed of the tooth fairy
friends was best friend forever for life
long hair was important, weight unimportant
dad and mum was super heroes
the world was at my feet waiting to be conquered
volcano's erupted
wars came and went
people died and were born
poverty came and went
governments changed
i grew up, the chocolate and ice cream melted
i woke up in a sticky mess

what happened
i forget the most important ingredient of all
god my father, my keeper, my salvation and joy
as it all came crashing down and storms whirled he held my hand
even when i questioned my creator and accused him of doing a bad job
his love and dedication never wavered
thank heaven for that mercy

i've searched my life time for unmovable inner peace and joy
though i was a bad made when i could not find it
now i know
money cant buy
only god the father can lead you to it
only the father can restore my air castles, my world of ice-cream, chocolates, cappuccino and balloons
i left he tooth fairy behind
i was blessed with new better friends
and my super hero's was re employed :)
i am truly living my dream without the crowd, competitiveness, chaos and speed of modern life

the future awaits
my captain is at the helm
what more can a girl ask for

a true African queen
bore and raised me
with mighty prayers and tears
worked her fingers to the bone
desperate to keep my needs satisfied and more
always fidgeting over me
me ignorant and selfish
misused a mothers love and affection
i sowed with her tears
bitter sad lonely water filled eyes
now i reap with grey clouds
honor they mother the commandments say
me laughed and mocked it
my days are no longer laughing
tears wet my cheeks, mamma
please, i beg you
please forgive my selfish ways
a godly mother always praying
thank god

how poor has the world become
when
to feel, you have to bash someone
no matter how odd they are

lead my mind to great people
albert einstein my favourite dyslexic
how outrages was da vinci's ideas in his days
the list goes on, but the world is still the same
no matter the century
all the technology and research has not changed the human nature
to destroy what does not resemble "me"
we like people because they reflect something of us
we never really bother to look deeper at the unique person behind the image

this is why i am condemned to loneliness till death
years of isolation amidst people left my mirror slightly de-angled
thus i cannot reflect what people want to see

gliding over the piano keys
hitting all the right combinations
the receiver drifting off helped by smoke circles
wiping the face
settling in
sitting deeper
circle the glass edge
soaked in oak mixed water
burning wood crackles
fire a visual trap
slowly sifting trough the past
regret and pride equally rememberd
the ghost visit one by one all before midnight
ding **** the old clock answers the tears
the journey been long

my 3rd vice
my catalyst for food restriction
desperate to sooth my shattered self image
daily bombarded by airbrushed perfect female beauty
braking my image of beauty and showing my cellulite
followed by overloading information about fixing me
regular exercise, beauty routines and Cal restricted diets
insecurity the new female epidemic
we fight for women's rights
and threw the baby out with the bath water
a basic human need
unmet and exploited
our legacy
the English standard
geneticly out of reach for women of color

season's come and go
my yin yang remains constant
through rain and sun
through death and life
the compass remains fixed
frozen in place
searching for a horizon whose existence is uncertain
my famine and abundance
once leveled the scale
now my famine is overwhelming
like drowning but not able to die
but forced to relive the process of death repeatedly
plagued by the natural need for love
it cannot be removed, destroyed, ignored or exchanged
left unattended it grows desperate equaling to enslavement
still sea worthy i follow my compass
hoping for the storm to end and the shore to appear
i no longer wish for the treasure just the glow of land

a dream
a wish
a star that dies in the black sky
unknown, lost among the billions and billions
never to be remembered

what great blessing it will be
if today was my last day
no more endless pain, rejection and betrayal
i will be with god, a father who loves
i will be safe, loved and accepted
i will be reunited with mom again
endless lazy summer days
no more demons and ghost that haunt me
no more being lost and hating myself
no more silent suicide
no more , no more
love, love and only love

am i admired as i admire others beauty?
i admire the strength i view in the eyes, revealing the souls journey
a journey that can be seconds and cover uncountable miles
the soul is quite about its struggles but the eyes cannot lie, cannot hide
honesty in its purest form
i wonder if the owner knows what there eyes reveal to me
how is life better or worst to have such memorable eyes
but deep down i know
pain is needed to create captivating eyes as equal as black and white keys are needed for music
pain gives dept and heals life from shallowness
pain crushes you to your knees, begging for mercy
but rather mercy in life instead of in death

i know pain
i know the black keys more than the white keys in my music piece
but i do not know if my eyes can measure up to beautiful eyes
i know the colour, i know it shifts
but i do not know its beauty
i can only hope to captivate one-day

peoples mouth's open and close
i see there lips moving and expressions on the face
I don't hear anything?
blah blah blah never real words
no, i am not deaf
sounds fill space but nothing worthwhile connects
wireless communication. instant messaging. one button dial
things are loved people are purposely overlooked and used
money wasted on motivational speaking
hours convincing the self: "i am right they need a lesson"
make believe bandages running with harness

love exchanged for Pandoras box
if I only knew then what I knew now, would have chosen....
wishes are well intended feathers on the wind
God catches them at the end of the world
he reads them with water filled eyes
original sin we all followed loud and proud
foolish Independence
we all assume to want the same, mostly love, how come?
we give up in a whimper, lack of endurance?
how colder the storm greater the harvest - grandpa

a soul desperate for salvation and peace
yet, motivated to strive
follow the curve in the walls,
feel it, listen ,it speaks
breath breath breath
you will touch light eventually or die trying

we all collect pain, desire, love, wounds, questions ect
it makes us unique, insane and human
our every action dictated by our subconscious
constantly reminding the awake mind, you don't rule
i realized today how me, my collection is
most women collect wedding and baby pics
i collect mommy and me moments
something i long for so deep its indescribable
unconditional protection
always knowing "i" got backup
unconditional love
no matter how messed up "i' get
she keep the lights on, so that i can find home
unconditional existence
no matter what i will always be here for you
always real and true in action and presence
always real no double standard

i stopped taking my anti-depression medicine
it allowed me to live life with muffled screams
never giving outlet to my wordless emotions
so raw, i lack the vocabulary to express
so raw, i don't recognize it
so raw, i struggle each day to keep it together

Oblivion is sweat home in moments of pure hell from restless thinking
Excessively worrying about something that might happen and might never realise
I may not even live that far into the future
Continues unanswered questions fill the space in my head
Over filling it to capacity, the cabinet lady quit
This is not the adult life i envisioned long ago for me
How to make sense of disappointment after disappointment
Slinging you to the mat again and again and again
Relentlessly beating you into submission claiming it is good for you
The life drain from your eyes
Without warning the fire for life flares up and scorch all touching it
Just to die down and simmer under ground
The few moments of freedom lived in oblivion is sacred
Reluctant to leave I have little choice
Dragged back to a life I despise at most
Surrounded by empty vessels
Always wanting never able to give
What a horrible existence it must be to be never able to connect with living souls
Being surrounded by walls impossible to be climbed and no bridges build
Oblivion exist with only open space
Space for the mind to run free over, under and among hills

raised on words of Jesus's bible
given examples to follow from street bible
people in fancy clothes and houses
we were the joneses
the Lords word flowed like spit
with hearts black and cold like real street gangster
raised with loyalty to i am my brothers keeper
together we die
together we ride
together we carry the cross
knew no other way and i believed it to be righteous, the path
joke was on me
what a fool i was
i truly believed, " i am my brothers keeper and they were mine"
believed with my life, soul, blood and, heart
i believed, i believed
walked straight into a trap
was lucky when i fell
i fell on  my knees
God carried me out of the misty,cold, dark woods
psalm 23, hallelujah

now i have been blamen daddy for this drama
lets for once put blame were blame belongs
both papa and mamma had mothers, both alive and well
he matriarch of each family
they stood and watch as i was fed to wolves
torn apart i was left to die
of course they had to wait for mamma to die
11/01/2013 God caled her home and open season was declared
God, I never knew i was the trophy

2 years later
i have succeeded in leaving behind the street life
still got mammas husband
a father who love his daughter, but a love i can't take to the bank
i finally got to know the author of the bible and know i'm not alone
i realise in silent moments, to my despair
i may not have made mamma proud
i dropped the code
and i am no longer my brothers keeper
pray for me
please

niemand behalwe ek ken die krag van jou hartklop van binne. dus die eerste ding wat ek gehoor het. dit het my gekalmeer en gese moenie bekommerd wees nie ek is hier, altyd. gevolg deur 'n rustige stem wat die wind kalmeer. die het gesing en gebid oor my. gesondheid was die meeste gevra. die stem het baie gepraat. dit was goeie tye vir my. al wat ek graag vergeet is die tye wat jy en die ander stem gestry het. dan het jou stem verander na hartseer en bedroef. trane het jou wange gevul terwyl jou arms my omvou het. al stywer en stywer. so belangrik was ek.

die groot dag, jy het gese jy gaan jou hare eers was, maar toe versnel die hartklop en dinge gebeur wat ek nie begryp het nie. jy het ernstig siek geword en nog alleen by die huis. jou arm om my hospitaal toe. ek is gebore saterdag 25 mei 1985.

skielik was ek alleen en weg van my geliefde klop. jy was in 'n diep slaap. mense gehardloop om ons om als weer reg te maak. ai opwindende oomblik. Maar geen arms wat omvou en rustige stem wat bekend is nie. net vreemdheid.

why do I keep wanting what I cant have?!
my every action is being taken over by this desire
my actions are no longer my own
my thoughts, my thinking, my future
all swallowed up and devoured by the constant empty feeling in my chest
my human chest no longer filled with a heart and lungs
just-a-void
always hungry needing to be fed
but nothing can ever reach the bottom
it is an endless cilinder
the bottom of a bottle
the end of a needle
the warmth of tobacco
sure looks good
will silence the voices

like the girl said
wake-up,
wash,
get dressed,
eat,
work,
home,
eat,
wash,
sleep,
next day repeat
in between find time of music, poetry and chats
hi, hud, im gud and you, wud, jc, l2m,
endless routine stuck in endless crap
is this all there is to the 21 century

everyday i am among people
talking, sharing, helping,laughing, chatting
i wonder how many have ever seen behind my perfect mask
an seen
seen the scared woman
who never looks in a mirror from believe how ugly she is
not wanting a constant reminder of how imperfect god made me
not wanting to relive the disappointment that i don't look like the "beautiful" women
people will often tell me i have a good heart
no one notices the scares on my shoulder from a heavy load
deep lashes on each shoulder running down my back
fresh and old wounds mixed together

i am tired of the same struggle
now i understand why honor for father and mother is obligated
god knew why it should be a commandment
the soul is resilliant bur respect, trust and love is not
takes long to create, easy to brake

for better or for worst
once i was blessed to know the wonder of love, acceptance and complete trust. the trio loosened, watered and nurtured my fertile soil and the future harvest took root and grew strong and wild always reaching to the skies. the farmer never got to see the harvest only the green carpet slowly hinting to change.
who is willing to take over the farmers work and tend to the lush green carpet bulging with potential? many has come forward but with hidden agendas bend on enriching the self camouflaged in the "greater good". these over time do and did and will do more damage than nature ever can inflict. despite all this the land is still present, still fertile, still growing and still hoping for a good farmer. imagining that the true owner has just gotten lost and took a few wrong turns but faith will be the morning star and lead wandering feet home. to the land in time to rejuvenate life and bring in a golden brown ripe harvest that will leave eyes wet and breathless with disbelieve at the abundance and riches despite all the hardship and pain

the veil
me, captivated from 1st introduction
expression of character
extension of the wearer
women forced to express, communicate, and develop new communication methods
limited with resources reveal, the eyes
they reveal what the mouth dare not speak
deviance, love, hate, pain, or dead soul
they connect between souls effortlessly
only seconds needed to be edged into my mind
to echo eternity
often forgetting the owner, remembering the moment
piercing eyes revealing life lived, dreams forgotten and compromised made

on the other side
i long to see the smile or grin belonging to the eyes
long to connect verbally to know what created the captivating eyes
walking down the street i long, search for :
the thing that makes us human
how we recognise each other
how species compare

the face

a storm raging in my chest cavity
refusing to yield
relentlessly battering my convictions
my one great weakness
immoral conduct of a "community leader"
my self-destructive vice
my Christian duty compel me to fight my vice
my conscience keeping score
my one enemy i cannot destroy
deliverance!

meeting by boy and girl through mutual acquaintance
invisible threading to souls
step by step, bit by bit, inch by inch
love grow slow. this is not a race for the finish line
a slow walk till breath leaves
the stars will forever tell our story
we will search for each other after every reincarnation
a key and a lock perfectly match

completely present in the moment
i am with you
no more doubt, no fear, no more questions
rather love with fire than having not lived and loved, an half breathed life

finally i give way
a deep low moan
my arching back relaxes
satisfaction flushes over me
sealed with a warm passionate kiss
a new moon begun
a dash of color added daily
new hair style, off with the old
accessories a must, compliments my manicure
dark short and eye catching
all i need is the perfect pair of shoes

a women matured
savored for my chosen
the nape of my neck
small of my back
the tip of my *****
a knowledgeable lover
brings fire to my belly
stopping only at sight of satisfaction
the kind young girls fantasize about
old women relive in memories gone by
stories and poems inspired

my words covered in lace
awakens passion
my lovers eyes burn at the thought of me

:) :) the mind a powerful gift

A lullaby remembered
Remnance of night Conversation between the piano n a flute
Mother and daughter duet
Floads my being with memories
How could I have forgotten
It's what I needed to make do with brokenness
A bravado to fend off, to show strength
Truth is brokenness, exist reaffirmed by a lost lullaby

Takes me back before time made sense
When mum was my universe and I was hers
I love her all my life, she loves me my lifetime

what should be rejoice filled days
have become my most controversial and agony filled
to i comply with the charade,
do i withdrew from judgemental eyes,
since becoming an adult this decision has brought me more discomfort than poverty
i tried and could not find one compliment to give my dad
his parenting is overshadowed by mum's on every level
mean while the unseen battle continues for my soul
Jesus vs logic
love and forgiveness vs fruits from past actions

in my mind i will always be 25
that year my life rocked to a shattered stop
the anniversary of my arrival is no longer celebrated
my loss, agreed

what to do? oh what to do?
usually i put my head in the sand and pray the day to end
while wearing one of my best masks
that is the cowards way, i should behave like an adult, right

i wandered for a long time
among thorns, disease and death
no glimmer to see
feel the walls, feel the cave,it leads you out
i found many Christian doors
locked with big heavy chains
you preach "come Ye weary"
to locked door?!
Christian followers preach beautiful
words divinely chosen for impact
no temperature ever checked
walk among bibles, oil and cloths
dance in praise
blow the battle horn
But But But
who sees those wandering in the dark standing before closed doors for help

closed doors mean" banishment to the Barron out field
red sin covered land
mercy irrelevant
demanding cruel deity
pleased with nothing
pushes self destruction
cries are stamp on
more pain more glory
damage soul the goal
your pleadings are laughed and spit upon
the glorious hellish Barron outfield

do you allow this dear reader?
do you have closed doors?
i lived in the outfields now i'm home thank God
my Guardian through prayer opened a door for me
now i know, now i know
follow the true Christ

stop fronten
yes you the boys i once fancied
we all know you missed out
let a good thing slip by
all in the name of swag
swag + hood status + reputation + ego
you sleep alone
liven with mom's
no queen to defend the king
check-mate
we all grow old and alone
not all with regret
dyeing young is a myth
a blessing for few
stop fronten

Courage does not answer every call with a roar
But with sincere heart
That knows pain and disappointment
That says tomorrow we will try again
Don’t worry i am here to help
I will hold your hand

you judge and sentence my actions
one swift move erasing the cause
easily forgetting your actions
there can be no reaction without an action

take away the emotion and the kicked up dust
left a spoiled brat beyond reform
wrapped in foil to reflect what i wanted to see
what i was desperate to see
in a blessed action from heaven
you broke contact with me
no it was not long
just long enough
to brake the ties around me

once free
i realized your abusive ways
hiding behind social media
dancing the cycle
honeymoon to outburst back to honeymoon
blocked you still try and find my ears
the audience no longer exist
you question the integrity of my character
camouflaging the real issue
telling your family you are an unwanted bachelor
owning up to your actions

from a distance i view the kicked up dust cloud
it reads the integrity of your character
thank god i can walk away

Why does the moth flutter around the flame?
Why does the river flow to the sea?
Why does the moon kiss the earth each dawn?
Why does the sea tease the shore?

So many questions with one single answer

Once I as young and very impressionable
Ii became part of the hip and happening movement
Loving revered to as youth
What a sham, no-one has the resolve to speak the truth
Being youthful and energetic is tough
Too much responsibility rest on my meagre shoulders
Eyes and mind demand change by my soft un-scaved hands
Half the time I don’t know what I am doing how are my soft hands to bring change
Feelings of betrayal and anger from unrighteous treatment
Grow in my veins toward the elders
They followed their own corrupt greedy souls
They dare to blame my dramatic future on their ambition
No one asked what I wanted they just shipped me off to school
As an adult i inherited a land ripe for a new sun
To be achieved with ******* young people
Who soak their sins in strong alcohol and smoke their ideas away
It’s easier to muffle the pain and internalise the screams
South Africa is democratic but no freedom is lived
Yes no one can disappear without a trace
Yes you can no longer just be beaten without recourse
But the soul is tied down with inhumane heavy chains
No moral fibre left to hold on to
No moral light to follow
The head of state is leading example for all
I end with words of wisdom
Evil triumphs when good men do nothing

broken heart mended from outside
hiding terrified inhabitants
staring, watching from one way windows
afraid to venture beyond the door
a heart remake into illusions from impractical pinterest
to hide the truth of pain
pulling people closer, desire love and friendship
push way for fear of destruction when leased expected
overspend budget on security
life inproper but needed for survival

i can Imagen the endless potential of my world
free of knowing "my place"
no boring old broken time machines
just open white space
hungry for fresh ideas and experiments
this is my dream, my desire, my hope
me rid of this stupid wrong labelled box
just me, Karin, just Karin

i don't like this world i was born into
it praised cowards and anoint liars
crucify truth speakers and freedom fighters
real leaders are played down and ridiculed
they promote brainless followers, zombies
all for love of money and power
" see i can squash you"
just try and breath without permission

my box is labeled ******, gull-able  joke, incapable, stupid, unteachable, bad writer and much much more

i want to be free of this box
it's killing me slowly, ******* my bones dry
i peek out
  - blue swollen eyes
  - broken bones
  - crushed soul

someday. . . .