I wanted it to be me there sitting beside you
I wanted that so very badly and part of me still does
I miss our friendship and how we spent our time together
I just could not tell you that I miss us and think
Like about when you told me you wanted to take me to Disney World after graduation
Because I have never been there
Or the talk of waking up next to each other and having breakfast in our kitchen
We made so many beautiful plans for a beautiful life
But life works around our plans
It careens and twists around all that we want
And decides what is best without concern of breaking our hearts
I am only a product of my environment
I am lost because I haven't found the map

There's something scarier about graduating
Than going to college,
Moving out,
Starting a life,
Studying,
Independence,
Or freedom,
My biggest fear about leaving this place
*Is leaving you behind

You are living, breathing poetry
When I'm around you, I can't help but think in rhymes
I imagine synonyms for your style
And enjoy every minute of our times

Your touch, to me, just sparkles
Like tiny diamond rings
It flowers, blossoms, and it blooms
With every wave your passion brings

Your smile warms and cools me
Just like a secret summer night
The kind spent on back porches
Where talks last until the light

Oh, and the way you turn back and look at me
Turns me into a cliche
Because my arms and spine shiver
And my knees start to give way

Like I said, you're living poetry
Even though you can't see how
And when your poem is read you're still humble
You don't need to take a bow

I fear a day
When you'll sit next to me
And my phone will vibrate
A message from you asking what's for lunch?

I fear a day
When talented beings
Educated with graduate degrees
Will work in MacDonalds
For minimum wage

I fear a day
Where I'll need to take out a mortgage
For a parking fee
Daylight robbery

I fear a day
Where kids will no longer
Play at the park
No one ever heard of jigsaws
And wooden train sets

I fear a day
When strangers would be able to see
My every post
People I don't even know
Will know all about me

I fear a day
When people will drive to the gym
To run on the treadmill
And we'll all forget
The luminous glow of the moon

I fear a day
We'll forget about stars
And handwritten cards
When we'll care more about cars
Than our counterparts

I fear a day
When the world will all speak English
And read shakespeare
Wear the same high street gear
And eat KFC

I fear a day
Where honour and dignity
Respect and modesty
Will be a thing of the past
And those who hold steadfast
To their culture and traditions
Ways of life
Will be mocked and ridiculed as backwards

I fear a day
When all my fears
Come true
And that day a part of me will die inside
I'll lose the sound of your voice
And mums special home-made recipes with secret ingredients
I'll lose the way your letters felt
Slanted and joined so rounded together
The way the cross on the t and the dot on the i's leaned to hug one another
I'll lose the rush of the wind
As I felt how it was to fly on a swing
The reassuring touch on my back as you pushed and held me back then helped me to stop
I fear a day
I will breathe but cease to exist
Lost in mere memories of a past
Where I was meant to be

That space I have set up for you is getting harder and harder to maintain
The roof has begun to leak
The floorboards squeak
And there is a clog in the drain

I keep investing time and effort into caring for your place
That I neglect myself
I lose sleep and happiness over your chipping paint exterior
And wonder if it all even matters

But why do I even care if it won't be used
The doorbell has never been rung to that place
That I have set up in my heart
You never checked to see if I was home

You maybe drove by casually on the street
Or tiptoed up the walkway to see if you could see the lights on
But you never once told me you needed me
Or wanted to be that close to visit the place I set up for you

Does it matter that I fixed the roof?
No more rain will seep through its cracks
And did you notice the new floor?
Now it doesn't make a sound when you walk on it

And I repainted the outside
So you would have something pretty to look at
So you could stand back and say
"Wow, this is my place that she built just for me"

The house has become so massive though
It has taken up so much more than I intended
You seep into so many aspects of my life that you don't need to
You are overwhelming me

So maybe one day, I'll just take a sledge hammer
And rip apart the mansion I built
Piece by piece, brick by brick
So you know that it meant something

Talking to you answered some questions
But left more unanswered
Do you still read my poems?
I write to you
Hoping you would know that there is so much confusion
That I am not just leading you to believe that I am someone who does this sort of thing often
You're where it all started
I can't just let go
It's been so hard for so very long
To try not to look at you
And try to say to myself that you don't think of me even if I think of you
To try to believe that maybe it is just me who feels like this
But when you told me you loved me, something was there
Something that was missing was half filled
Not the whole way completed because all I find from you are empty promises
Nothing felt real
Because of the way you talked to me after you said it
I wanted you to tell me nice things you used to tell me
That's what I wanted when you asked
But I couldn't say it because it wouldn't be fair
I would have wanted too much
The complete love of two people
And he knows all of this, he knows about how I feel
That's why I feel guilty and bad for all of this
But he knows I will always have feelings for you
It's something about the first love that you have
It's just so confusing when you talk to me
If you missed me, missed us, you didn't talk to me like you loved me
It was  like I was some tattoo that meant something, and now you regret getting, but it won't go away
And whenever I see you, you just look at anything other than me
Because I think you're afraid I can see right through you
Well, I'm looking at you, knowing that you can see straight through me
I'm tired of putting up layers and disguises to hide how I feel
And I'd like to believe that you still love me too
That you are even reading this
But I don't know anymore