It isn't that I don't love them, because often I do.
It isn't that I don't care, because I do that too.

I guess its just that I don't think someone can love someone like me.
I build my garden walls so high that they are impossible to break down.
I'm moody, depressed, and a hot mess.

I'm a blazing fire that will never be put out, and people always get burned playing with fire.
I am an emotional wreck of shattered pieces, and it is easy to get cut on the glass.

Yet, when those class pieces hurt others, it is never because I don't love them, its because I'm a girl that can't handle being hurt again.
I push them away so I can't break anymore.

I'm tired of being like this.
It's just kind of sad that they don't try to fight when I push them away.

Reason burns the prime
leaves in their cinders no solace
for one likely answer are a hundred questions
where crumbling bones can’t have the will
to climb anymore the rungs endless.

Finds beneath feet a resting ground
that in glimmer of hope abound
a tunnel light an emerging design
to craft from chaos a face divine.

Utters a prayer that’s never too late
succumbs blissfully to the savior the faith.

To whom it may concern,
He is prodigious and amicable. He is without fault, in a sense that his faults are the very thing that makes him flawless.
He is compassionate and sympathetic. When words flow from his lips, it makes you weak at the knees and it makes you forget about your anxiousness.

He makes my heart beat to a pulp and race a million miles pure second. It's odd though, his track record isn't the best.
He doesn't seem to stay with any one person. He is afraid of losing the people he loves, I guess. (We have that in common)

So, no, he doesn't stick around, and, no, he won't be staying with me.
Yet, he deserves a chance at a little piece of heaven.
I pray to God one day he'll find that person that makes him happy because sometimes you meet someone and they do this thing called falling in love. That's what he and I did, but I know we weren't meant to be.

We were just two sparrows who met in the middle of flying in opposite directions, but - to whoever this may concern - you found him next, and I loved him once, odds are you will too. He was my first, and my only first true love, so take care of him, because when he falls in love, somewhere deep in his heart even when you're gone, he will always love you too.

And when you find out that he won't stay, and you ask me if he is worth it my answer will always be - you could live a hundred years, but only have one here and now. If even just for a moment you really do love him you'll stay until he leaves because it isn't very often in a life time that something or someone comes around and it is worth getting your heart broken for.

I promise you, I will always have a place in his heart and he will always be in mine, but you will hold a new place in a whole new part of him that I had yet to unlock. Thank you for loving him and wish you all the best. Maybe you'll be the one that sticks, but if it doesn't come find me - I know what it is like to watch him walk away.


With sorrow and love,
His former beloved

Conforming to the wicked ways that we have been told to shape into.

Told to mold ourselves to who they want us to be, then insisting our dreams are to big.

Don't be that person who listens to society's every beckon call.

You are not defined by like on a picture or a comment on a status, or the words whispered behind your back.

You are defined only as you define yourself and if your dreams seem possible than they aren't big enough.

I search frantically for the eyes of which I loved.

I swing my arm uncontrollably reaching for the grasp that is no longer there.

Long for the bed that we used to sleep in.

My heart aches for the breath that used to tickle my neck.

I loved you and only you, but you walked away from me.

I'll admit,  I was scared to trust again.
To love whom had human nature to guide there selfish ambitions.
But you looked at me and realized I was not who I hid behind - I am so much more.

If you ask me if I'm okay, I'll tell you that I'm perfectly fine.
I stand in a sea filled with people, how could I not be fine?
I'm fine. Its a word that crumbles into its very existence.
It's a word that means something it was never intended to be.

If you ask me if I'm okay, I'll tell you I'm fine.
Yet - I wonder what would happen if I told you the truth.
I stand in a sea filled with people, but the one who doesn't like me rips me to shreds.
I'm fine. Its a word that means I'm crumbling into pieces.

I hate nights like this. When you want drink so you can drown your sorrows. Make life disappear. Make it all go away. Yet, it won’t last. Joy never does, but that wouldn’t even be joy. It would just be numb. No feeling. No perception of pain. No perception of right or wrong. Just numb.


All of the drinking, cutting and the running away is temporary. It eases the pain for a while but what happened when you wake up. When you can’t get ahold of a drink and the cuts get deeper with every pacing razor. You can only run for so long before your legs just give out. So, then where do you turn?


People tell me to find someone to talk to but people are human. Intentional or not I end up hurt. They are backstabbing, lying, cheating humans who cannot keep their own self preservation and if these people where to ask “what was wrong” I could not answer. I have no answer because I don’t know. I have drowned out my feelings to where I have become so numb I cannot remember why I felt the need to do this to myself to begin with. 
Yet, it is no longer medication to make the pain lesson, it has become an addiction. I cannot stop myself anymore. I am a monster and I am uncontrollable.

I am alone not because I choose to be but because I don’t want to be hurt again. I am alone. I am broken. I am a monster. I don’t even remember what joy feels like.

So I medicate.