i couldn't help but realize that whenever i get mad over something,
i'd scream until my lungs give up,
i'd rage until my blood boils to a hundred degrees,
i'd slowly inflict self harm to calm myself down.

i couldn't help but hurt myself,
i couldn't help but blame myself for every single thing,
even the things that i didn't do,
trust me, i blame myself for it.

i feel like, i will never be capable of being happy.
i feel like, everyone would come and ruin me.
i feel like, only a few people would bear with me at first
but in the end, they'd all give up.

is it my fault that i'm this difficult to handle?
or do i not just deserve anyone to stay in my life?
do i really not deserve anything?
am i that unworthy?


i'm mad at everyone who mistreated me.
but i can't help to be more mad at myself.
i can't help but accept that this is the person i have become.

people always told me that our lives are just like books,
we start with an introduction,
and as we go on, page by page, you’d realize your value, your worth
but like a character in a story, we’ve got our own sets of struggles, we’ve got our own sets of dilemmas,
and it’s always up to you, the decision always lies still in your hands,
do you go against the plot of your story?
do you go against your fate? or do you just stay still and let your stupid decisions succumb upon your life?
i’m a character of my own story. and i chose to end mine in a bad note.

to my love,
this has taken me a lot to write.
because this has taken me a lot of time to admit
that home could not just be a place.
home is in the shape of you.
home is you.
and i'm here to tell you why.

i think it's safe to say that i have found a home in you,
in the way you look at me,
in the way you speak of love,
in the way you smell,
in the way you hold me,
and in the softest of your touches.

i have found a home in the laughter that we share with one another,
in the stories we tell of each other,
in the couches we sit on wherever we go.
and even in moments wherein we don't understand each other,
i still find a home in you.

i think,
you are more than capable of making
any place, a home.
this is when i realized that a home is not just the confinement of the house that holds a roof over my head,
home is where i truly find myself in.
and i honestly cannot find straying too far away from you,
because you are home.

your fingertips trail against my skin,
you looked me straight into my eyes,
and told me you love me,
more than you could ever love another.

i could remember my lips curving into a smile.
i could remember falling for it.
i could remember begging for it every single day.
i could remember telling myself that i've finally found the one.

bad thing is, i could only remember.
i could only remember what we used to be.
i could only remember how sweet our love was.
i could only remember how much you used to cherish me.

it's no longer the same.
it's all just memories now.

if the world could grant me this moment,
to take in all the pain the universe has frowned upon me,
i would gladly say “no, thanks.”
i have no time to deal with the pain inflicted upon my being
nor do i have the time to face my reality.

that’s what i’m good at, anyway.
constantly running away from the reality that whenever i face it,
i’d crumble down like a cookie.
the truth is,
i have made myself believe that my comfort zone is a place away from my reality.

it’s ironic,
how my comfort zone is just a fantasy created by myself
when it should be the truth that i need to face.

i guess i’m a coward,
for making myself believe that
this is supposed to be my safe place
when it clearly isn’t.

i am a person who deserves a lot that the world can offer.
but, i am also my own enemy
for making myself believe that i deserve nothing more than the pain and tragedy i’ve constantly faced.
i’m the enemy of myself for depriving myself of all the good that the world has to offer.

i didn't know that loving someone could hurt this bad,
like you're being held on the neck,
like you're getting shot by multiple bullets,
like you suddenly can't breathe because somehow
just somehow, you're drowning.
slowly submerging into the seeping pain you're feeling.

the warmth of your embrace, soothes my inner being
like as if i don't wanna let you go
like as if i don't wanna lose a grasp of you.
but i know this won't last, i know it won't.

the touch of your hand, makes me feel calm.
like as if you have superseded my heart.
like as if i want you to make me yours.
but i know you no longer feel the same about me, i know you don't.

the skies went purple today,
and somehow it made me think of you.
how you once said you liked the color purple on skies,
how you once said you get engulfed while watching the sun set.

you were right about how soothing it is to watch the sky turn into a different hue.
on how skies don’t remain constant in color,
on how skies get so beautiful even  when it’s storming.

i thought about you,
thought about how your smile could be compared to the sun rising up to the sky,
on how your smile could instantly brighten my day up,
but unlike the sun, your smile won’t fade when it sets.

people won't understand how much you mean to me,
they won't be able to comprehend why i love you this much,
they wouldn't be able to push through behind their common perception of someone like you,
that you're nothing but a mere house pet.

to me, you're my family.
to me, you're my safe place.
to me, you're the one who takes all the pain away.
you're my baby and i'd do anything for you.

please don't leave me too soon.
i have so many things planned for the both of us.
we're still going to have a blast on your first birthday, right?
so hold on, please hold on for a very long time, my dear tootsie.

i know this is too much to ask, probably way too selfish of me to ask.
but, i hope i'm enough reason for you to stick around.
i'm not the best fur parent but, do know i try my hardest.
i have one thing to ask of you, try your hardest to stay alive and breathing.