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i don't want to love
you  i  just  want  to
sleep   next  to   you
i  haven't  yet  figured  out   if
these things are synonymous.
******* how did you
make me never want
to be touched touched
touched please do not
look at me please do
not breathe near me i
used to crave hands
like they were homes
and i was traveling the
country but now i can't
imagine someone ever
putting their palms on
me or near me i've
been stopping to make
sure all the air intended
for my lungs has been
making it there but i'm
struggling with it every
day when will i be okay
when will i look at another
person and not try to find
you in their laugh lines
and unshaved face when
will i be sewn up from
the inside out i think you
ripped out all of my
stitching a long time ago
this is a disgusting mess but i'm not sorry
i have let you keep me up at night for
too long. there used to be a limit to what i
would allow myself to do- how much i would
allow myself to think of you, to remember your
temperaments and the sound of your footsteps-
but i think i've forgotten what and where that
line was. lately i've been scared to be another
placeholder, scared to get attached to someone
new, scared to understand someone else's hand
gestures. i used to love the way you could paint
our future with your fingertips across the air,
across my skin, across my skin.
I miss you.

Yours,
Megan
i slipped so comfortably
into your world. god, i
would have let you drown
me if you had needed
my breath for yourself.
722
eleven months later and i am
still getting my **** kicked
in by thoughts of you.
but i am hanging in there,
i am hanging in there.
i used to wish i could plant
you in my backyard- grow
a whole field of you to have
for myself. now i'd like to
plant myself there to see
what i'll grow into instead.
it's a very odd/uncomfortable/weirdly
satisfying feeling to know that a whole
section of my life- my whole story with
you- is over.
in the ripped  up
r  u  n     o  v  e  r
shards of   who i
had    wanted  to
be  i  found  only
someone   i  d i d
not      recognize.
h o w   do  i    go
back    to feeling
h   u  m   a   n   ?
from my old journal
how  weird    that   i  could
miss  something  as simple
as   your   odd    habit     of
saying "zoom zoom zoom"
any time you're  in motion
had it really been three weeks?
There’s broken glass in my foot
clear symmetrical triangles
dangling off my foot
like a dazzling chandelier.
But pain.
like a dragons claw,
like a witches fingernail
cut deep
and the oozing, dripping,
thick scarlet liquid
seeping over the bathroom tiles,
reflects my dazed face.
Where am I?
My pale, white, finger
extends and dips into the
red
and now the lines on my hands are all
red
and my eyes blur with the color
red.
I walk down stairs.
Isn't everything romanticized?
Red flowers,
      red skin,
              red lips,
                            red breath.
But the eyes,
the eyes are red
and I suppose that is
what really impales me.
cut by what?
interested to know how this is interpreted
to the humans with the glassy eyes,
i know they've been hurt before
(your eyes,
thrown against the wall,
like a jar filled with rotten marbles)
cauliflower-clouded mind
red-scented sleep
& i pray to God
those pills dissolve in your
sanitized hands.
don't cry when it's over; cry now
i can see milky white
stars in your eyes
and soft pink
bubble gum-flavored clouds
and lazy green rivers
and violent violet nights
and a deep howl in you
when you think you can't go on.
and you burn yourself
with empty looks
and break yourself
by lying down
and **** yourself
by forgetting that the lightning storm
ever came.
flying doesn't always set people free.
remember that.
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