Without


I never wanted to fight you
Never wanted to see you cry.
Never wanted to leave you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

Starting off, we seemed so happy.
Even enjoying the silence
Working on our projects
Protected by your presence.

When did it begin to change?
When did the cracks first appear?
Did we try to say something?
Did we simply not hear?

I never wanted to leave you
Never wanted you to see me cry.
Never wanted to lose you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

I cannot remember what was said.
I cannot remember who yelled first.
I suppose it doesn't matter.
We dared each other to our worst.

You said that you didn't love me.
I know you said it just to see me cry.
You no longer wanted to live with me.
When we both knew that was a lie.

I never wanted to fight you
Never wanted to see you cry.
Never wanted to leave you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

You watched as I packed my suitcase.
Glaring at me with narrowed eyes.
Using your anger to sustain you.
Trying to hurt me with lies.

You said you'd call a lawyer.
End this thing once and for all.
As I opened the front door
Both our facades began to fall.

Anger fueled by ego.
Ego fueled by pride.
Hurt by something we didn't remember.
Hurt by something from outside.

I never wanted you to fight me
Never wanted you to see me cry.
Never wanted to leave you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

I tried to think of life without you.
Without your smell, without you laugh.
Without your love I knew I had nothing.
But it hurt too much to look back.


I climb into the taxi
And started to pull away
I muttered to myself
"Does it have to end this way?"

I lean forward to tell the driver
I've changed my mind,  please stop!
Flinging open the car door
I step onto the sidewalk

Looking back to see you
Confusion on your face
Measured steps are forgotten
And become a desperate race.

You're running down the steps
Sprinting hard at me
You've run it through your mind
And you've seen how it would be.
You do not want to do it
Don't want to live without me.

We do not want to do it.
On that our love agrees.
We will not live apart.
Will not try . . .

Without.

You fix in me what is broken
What was stolen by those I trusted
What was lost at the ******'s hand
A hand that was his ****
A pain so carefully hidden and nurtured that I thought the pain was me.
You let me use your eyes and then I could finally see.
I wasn't to blame. I wasn't insane.
It wasn't a bad dream or a fantasy gone astray.
It was ****. That's the totality of what was done.
No softer word, no kinder thought.
They ***** me. For a time I thought it was my fault.
I drifted. Lost without a tether.
Through the darkest space and deepest valleys.
Sometimes I would chance upon a stream and see my reflection.
The boy who caused it, who deserved it, who must have liked it.
Otherwise why would they have done it? Again and again
And again and again and again again again again.
No fun to read, but try having lived it.
Sometimes I would find someone to cling to.
But I couldn't explain and they couldn't understand
Because I didn't understand. So they left.
And alone I would wonder, untethered.
My soul hiding, curled in a ball. Afraid of everyone
Especially those I loved. The ones who ***** me
The ones who didn't stop it.
Broken. Broken as a child. Broken as a boy.
Broken as a man. So broken I couldn't be a man.
Locked in pain. Locked in fear. With my broken pieces.
But you.
You fix what is broken inside me.