There is no refuge here
because we refuse
to have them here
oh!
it's we is it?
I never signed that contract

First contact
a young man from Addis Ababa
had a drink with him
bought him a Guinness
because I thought he was thin
but he was bright
made the stars in the night
his own

Lancaster University
'71
and look ye now
how it has grown
some have not.

I have crumbs on my T-shirt and my fingers are numb,
one has nothing to do with the other,
no!
That would be dumb

I'm ecstatically happy he said quite dramatically
tomorrow I have a whole day free,

She tells me
that there's washing to be done
that the dogs need a run
and the cats need a bath
ha
that's a laugh
we don't have cats.

She pats me on the head
and says
be a good boy or
you'll
wish you were dead.

I wish
She'd stop talking about washing the dishes
but the Genie tells me
you've had your three wishes.

Jiminy whispers into my ear
that
I'm freer than I've ever been
but when you treat her like a Queen
you become the subject.

Push,
said, chef
I'm tired  
replied Jeff
who was a demi something or other

the ****** in the kitchen
couldn't spell
but could recite Pushkin.

Bishbosh the potwash was Polish
or Presbyterian
but he never said much.

Sat down in Alice's
with Guthrie
he trusts me
don't know why,
but
it's a nice place
and Alice serves up
good food
when she's in a mood to,

Arlo was rabbitting on about
some sort of a song
which was more
like spoken word
to the sound of a guitar

and then the cop car pulled up.

Another day to ****** away
work is okay so they say
but what use to me

never mind it's only a moan
not to mention that intention
of being good and not whining
one more resolution fails.

I dine on the past as if each moment is my last
always saving a memory just in case it might not be
and in that, I will never go hungry.

how far, you ask, does a willow bend
and what makes it weep?

Monday came on the same day
so
that's another bet that I lose
but
I win when I wake
and
take a look at her face

She sleeps on.

Only the shadows change
so being naked and
using that as an excuse
is,
well it is being what it is
that makes us unique,

I prefer antique
but
I just wanted to let you know
that classic will do.

She said,
Hot,
but she was talking about the
saucepan
I, as a man misconstrued
ah
you can't choose who you are
only what you will become.

She and I first said
Hello
a dozen years ago
today.

the future
is being written.

The first day was the worst  because we never knew
and when we knew the first day was through and we got through to the second day which was in no way better than the first day, we became better at knowing how bad it became.

it goes along at a pace
and we face the future
as the future recedes,

I'm tired now
She'll say
not so
but I know
that
I am.

This is sent to test me
tomorrow is no rest day
I have to work
and work becomes my punishment
for a lifetime of enjoyment
and I'm locked into employment
until the day I die.

She says
and She says
be brave
but
I'm scared now
how will it turn out?

not last orders at the
Barley Mow
they barred me years ago.

those who've passed
look in on me
and
one of them laughs
at me,
that's ok
I miss them all anyway
even the comedians.

Living and dying
it's all very trying
but
we're all surviving
so quit with the moaning.

I remember when
the nurse said cough
I said,
ahem
your hands are cold,
but that was before I got old
when cold is a constant reminder
that the summer has gone.

Deaf to the voices
and
blind to the stares
everyone's out there
hawking their wares
could be
Shakespearian
but
more likely
Dickensian

here we go again
smallpox
cholera
diphtheria
it gets eerier,

seen it in
the London Illustrated News
so
it must be true
just like Facebook is.

She'll see what
She wants to see
I said
it's me
me
me
me
but
She'll see
what I could be
because
She sees what She
wants to see.

She took my heart
broke it apart
she said and that's
not all I'll do
I'll break your bones
turn them to glue
and then she said
what will you do

bang
bang
she took me down
bang
bang
my baby took....

you know the rest of the song,
make your own words up
I did.

Friday
and though not on a desert isle with Crusoe
with the sun beating down on me,
I could be,
but no
here I am on a carton of land being led by the hand to who knows where and I swear on the book of who gives a... shucks! is that the time?

Coffee.

I began
then I was a man
what happened to childhood?

I can't remember when
the years passed and then
I can't remember when.

I dried my tears
on the pillows of years
and as my fears cascaded
I faded away.

While they're looking for parallel worlds we can't even get it right on this one,

..'oh, go on..' said the duckling turned into a beautiful swan.

it's all songs and fairy tales
the things that we believe in.

we're taking a hiatus
so you
can hate us
even more,
but
closing the door quietly
and giving society
what they need.

Politeness will **** us
they're indifferent to deference
they'll have us swabbing decks
before they stretch our necks.

Happy?
if you say so,
I don't know
although
things
could be a lot worse.

Sleep plays hide and seek
but keeping my cool, I
found it underneath the stars
reflected in a midnight pool.

and today I wondered where I was
because I didn't know.

Night again, the same refrain,
owls that hoot at me
there's no escape however late
and that's how things will be

Oh good
I don't have a psychosis
wrong diagnosis
Doctors
are red in the face.

There is always interference
low ceilings
little clearance
but perseverance gets us through
even when we think we're through
we're not.

She tells me
to keep taking the pills and to
make the tea.
She tells me lots of things and
I usually agree.

With a name like Victor
I thought he would have been braver,

today was pretty much like working in the geriatric unit
all that moaning and coughing and begging Jesus to save him
and he's only got a touch of the 'flu
but what could I do?
well
I gave him a tissue and said bless you
about a million times,

I'm off to drown my sorrows in *****
and tomorrow's another day.

The shipping forecast
me
at half mast
sailing into port.

Behave,
it's Tuesday and
not a day I'd choose day
but beggars can't be
choosers
some are not even losers,
only lost.

I wonder what wonders of the modern age
will fill me full of rage today,
the best?
the greatest?
the latest in a long line?
seems funny to me that the greatest thing since sliced bread
is bread that isn't sliced.

Crepes and a vape, but
carrots and such are all the same shape
regulation size and win a prize for trying.

fifteen minutes of my life I'll never see again
I leave them all to you.

*** in the..
...pity it was only a dream
because I live in a small town
where nothing ever goes down
unless it's the miners
going down the pits.

Dangling over those pits of desire,
eyes like red coals and body on fire

do you think you'll ever get there to
the other side or is the chasm that you
opened just a bit too wide?

and if it is what will you do
who will you cry to?

***?
On the last day
when you put the last sea shell
to your ear
the only thing that you will hear
are the grains of sand.

Rainbows we danced on
crosses we hung from
dreams that we clung to
are all a piece of you.

and we outlived them
grew old and shelved them
and what remains
are the aches and pains
which nobody wants
but everyone gains,

it's a circus ring and we all bring
our lions and clowns
smiles and frowns
to put on a show
and then we go.

when everything stops
except for clocks that still tick.

we're being picked off like flies
and all you say is
everyone dies
but that's lies
nobody dies
it's a summer holiday
in a heavenly hideaway
that lasts longer than forever.

I've imagined nothing before
it's like
footprints filled in
by a million years wide
so
as long as
I belong as
a part of it all
and not sat alone
on the celestial wall
I'm happy.

Skip the intro?
I've ******* been the intro
and it's
not where you want to go.

Show and tell?
hell
has a handcart for you.

Relaxing
finally
because
work has in it for me,

a day off
is like a liferaft
to a drowning man.

Scratch the surface and what have you got?
a scratched surface.

Another Sunday working
this bible's getting pretty thin
I may survive this onslaught
but the chance is looking slim

She said be brave
I'll save you
from yourself if not from me.

If this is really my journey
why didn't they tell me?
were they scared of who I'd
become, where I'd run to,
who I'd tell it to?

secrets,

nothing to say to
those who have gone through
because I have been there too,
why didn't they tell me?

I have been busy but now?

work has several things going for it,
I'm not one of them.

Sat with the Captain
who offers me a glass
and who am I to say
pass?

other privateers
vie for the top spot
but good old Henry
has another tot
and
sends them to swing
on the gallows.

The spirits of when they were
walk among us, breathe our air
because no one truly goes
they're still here
in our gestures
in their clothes
it's just that sometimes
grief's so strong
and blinds us
to what we knew all along

no one truly goes.

He looked like he could have been
that man we thought he should have been
but it wasn't him at all.

A case of mistaken identity is
not as useful as a case of wine.

Saturday dressed in black and it's early
so she might go back
and change into something
a bit lighter.

Seek and you will find
or maybe life's unkind
and you'll go blindly on
never finding the one.

But one is out there
and usually where you
least expect.

Postscript.

Some who are living do not know
that life thrills you before it kills you,
there's no escaping fate and her hand.

I've been here before
the last day of the first month
in the new year,
yes
I've been here before.

Different but the same
or possibly the same
but a bit different,
or
I'm getting older
and my
eyesight weaker,
but
mentally stronger
I hunger no more
for those things
not meant to be
and
not meant for me,

so
different in a good way
and today is a good day
to be alive.

..and then
I did the dance
you know
the one
where you think you're dead
you know

but it was She
showing me what
life could be
you know
and now I do too.

All of the things I could be
and here I am
looking back to the
future
where I was me,

time's *****
one minute you're
bathed in the morning
light
and then
the night comes along.

I'll get over it
or
go under with it,

it's no problem
at all.

I walk off the ache in these old bones
and smell the oranges hanging from
the trees.

early morning workers
talking in hushed whispers,
two cyclists that **** right by me
clearly
they're not bothered by me.

Coffee from a sleepy waiter?
no!
I think I'll see you later
and on my way I go.

Magic in the streetlights
that seem to glare at me,
perhaps my sight needs
readjusting, but
I think I'll wait and see.

We are trying too
but
that doesn't get through
to you,

Mozart continues composing.

I have my clothes in the dryer
which are taking some time
so I try a
higher setting,
is
that getting through?

Wednesday evening
I'm thinking of leaving
it soon,
remembering
that the Moon and I
are old friends.

Almost vegetative
hoping something will give
wondering how I will live
almost vegetative.

The mind
has a mind of its own
which smuggles itself in
under the cover of darkness,

but there are
flashes of light
tunnels that end
bridges to build
friendships to tend

and so
we go
on.

Seen the movie
got the shirt
and
read the book
by Kurt Vonnegut.

I've read lots of books
escaped into
lascivious looks
by beautiful females
and to be honest
by males too.

Been wooed chapter and verse
the curse of the old
the cure for the young.

Saw Ben Gunn
heard him tell of Billy Bones
chatted **** with
Davy Jones
and
all in the reading
leading me to a merry dance.

I used to watch people but now I watch walls, walls are solid and walls seldom move,
walls don't give you funny looks and walls don't give two flying ***** about who you are.

I count bricks too which is another one of the tricks I do.

Peculiar?
maybe I'm just regular when I should have been a medium,
but I got sick of seeing ghosts so regular I am.

Sunday,
said it before and I'll say it again, Sunday is the same as any other day and if people want to get down on their knees to pray so be it.

I might stay in tonight, I said to myself because I know that I will stay in tonight which gives me the illusion that I could have gone out, I'm getting too old for this malarkey and believe me malarkey was my middle name in the olden days,

just juddering now and somehow still doing.

No one's fault it is Baltic outside
just the weather and the Winter
enough to make your blood freeze
and your bones splinter
but no one to blame
no one to scream at

disappointed that you can't point a finger?
you
may be entitled to compensation.

yeah!
but it's never
Wind stopped work is it

oh no!
we have to battle the elements
trudge through the snow
walk on the wild side,
I don't want to go

what then would I do
stay home with you?
you'd find me lots to do
I may as well be at work.

It's not funny because it's not Friday
and even if it is funny or Friday I have to work through the weekend.

I can never decide whether to go out and seek or to hide,
always in the middle, in a huddle or in some trouble,

Luckily I can count on some things
things like fingers or if it's more than ten,
toes too.

She says,
stop squawking
I do the talking
go back to your writing

I've counted to ten already.

Thinking I'd stay awake
but
these years caught up on me
and
now I'm between the devil
and what he has planned for me.

Well
*** my boots
the bank I use
went bust today
but I trust in the
FSCS

and sometimes God too.

It's not the way because it works this way
it's because
it works.

Character building
is like
house building
you have to cement the bricks
in place.

we get distracted
girls or boys
who are
very attractive

and where does it end?

We put children's toys away
because
we're told that we are too old
to play
with childhood games

in many cases that is probably true
but
once we lose that fuse
that burnt through
our youth
we might as well give up
and that is the truth,

Snap
Happy Families
Old Maid
Ludo
Cluedo
and you all know
Blind Man's Buff

this is the stuff
we were
young for.

So
you can't pour a drink
from
a fibre optic,

easy mistake to
make mine a double.

Out on a limb and listening to Cohen wondering to myself, do I know him?

and the answer came to me through the words which he sang to me, words of melancholy, words of God above, words which invoked in me a feeling akin to love.

So I knew him
but
too late now
to tell him
that I knew him
perhaps
I'll tell Marianne.