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Apr 2014 · 377
On My Own
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
I've been wandering
On my own again.
I've been following this lonely road
Hoping to find home again

Where did all the people go?
The ones I knew and loved
Dissipated like doves
Perturbed by a bitter sequence
Of insanity in the air
That came in
And hit them like a hurricane

The ones who remain
Are few and far between
None of whom are perfect
But they are here

They may not always have my back
But I seldom have anyone else's.
I know better than to expect people
To look out for me
It has become a lost cause.

I don't need
Any knight in shining armor
Any superman
As I will only be his kryptonite.

I'm not a damsel in distress
No Louis Lane
No Cinderella
Not today.
No,
Today I am my own hero
And  I am all I need to survive.
Apr 2014 · 477
Remember to Forget
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Don't take things so personally
Don't harm yourself over nothing
Stop thinking
And remember to breathe
My brain rattles off a list of
Therapy terms in times like these

I'm going crazy
For the sake of saving face.
I've never been more insane
I just need to survive, day by day.

But how am I expected to forget you so easily?
He was a beautiful human being
One of the only ones I knew.
Why do the wonderful ones
Have to die first
Or suddenly?

How I am I expected to forget him so easily?
Everything he did to me
Seeing him everyday
Feeling the fear travel up my spine
Into my neck until my head cannot bear it.

So I repeat one more phrase
To myself in the silence
Remember
Remember to forget.
Apr 2014 · 352
The Haunting
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
I promised myself
I would not say a word until I am 18
In 1 year 4 months and 8 days from now
But who's counting?
Then I would be able
To make my own decisions
About prosecution
About who to tell.
When we're all off
In our independent fantasy worlds
Everyone's at a different school
So the focus will not be on me.
He will probably still be living in his mother's basement
Talking to girls online
Propositioning them for ***
Meeting them in a stairwell
Bullying them into doing what he wants
And leaving if he doesn't get it
Or once he's been satisfied.
Keeping them awake at night
Beating themselves up over questions like
"Can I even do anything about it?"
Causing them to panic
At the sight of his face
When he still has the audacity to
Say hi to them in the hallways.
Wondering how to classify
Some of the darker things he did.
Were they assault, exploitation, coercion
Or a mix of all three?
And when their friend starts dating him
She heeds warning to her.
The friend doesn't listen the first time
And gets hurt.
Two months later,
She wants to get back with him
The young girl again warns against it
But she doesn't tell her friend why
Because she is protecting herself.
She gets backlash for this
Harassed for being insensitive and horrible.
That came like a slap in the face.
So what will she do now?
Will she speak out to prove herself
Or keep it under lock and key
As she had planned?
What will I do now?
I thought I was getting better
But now it's haunting me
As the situation gets more and more potent
And someone gets hurt either way.
Apr 2014 · 258
Stop!
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Stop trying to make me feel better
With all of the
"I'm sorry for your loss" crap
Maybe you mean it
Maybe you just do not know what else to say
But neither do I.

Is it possible, perhaps
Just not to bring it up
Until I ask?
What if I am not ready to talk?

Anyways, don't be sorry for me.
This is all my fault
That everyone is upset
That my mom is in pain.

I told her things would be just fine
When she was crying on the phone
The night he was admitted

I said
Don't worry,
He's probably just dehydrated.

I'm sure he'll be better in the morning.

I went to bed that night
Truly believing things would be okay.
He was this strong force
This army man
He wasn't allowed to die, right?
That kind of thing doesn't happen that quickly
Does it?

Well, apparently it does
Because he died the next day.
And I am such a ******* liar
For telling her it would be okay.

Stop asking about why
I don't want you to be with him.
No, it's not because I'm bitter
Or because he broke my heart
(Neither of which are the case, by the way)

He assaulted me.
He did not hurt me the way you think he did
Emotionally
He mentally and sexually abused me

No one knows, or ever will.
I refuse to deal with it.
A lot of the time,
It's not even on my mind
Unless I see him face to face
And my body goes into survival mode.

Then there is the question of
Was it assault?
There is too much of a grey area
For me to do anything about it.

I learned from the first time
That the law generally doesn't work in your favor
If you wait this long to bring it up.

Stop telling me I'll be okay.
Stop calling me pessimistic:
Stop saying I brought it upon myself.

Stop judging situations
That you know nothing about.
Apr 2014 · 433
Dear Dad... Letter #3
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Daddy, I never asked to see you cry
It is unsettling
Because I have tried to convince myself
That this isn't happening.
You make it harder.

Daddy, we never got along
But suddenly, you are not taking advantage
Of my vulnerability.
You aren't using this as an opportunity
To berate me.
Something must be wrong.

For the first few days,
You allowed me to cry.
Now, once mom returned
Our relationship seems to be
"Business as usual" once again.

We nag, we fight, we ignore
The underlying issues.
But we seldom forget
The words that have seeped through
The cracks of our broken sidewalk at hand.

Daddy, I just want to be coddled
And yet, I want nothing of the sort
Because that would mean that this is all real.

Daddy, I just want to be a child again
But somehow, I seek my independence
Pushing boundaries as I go.

Daddy, I just want things
To be okay once again.
Apr 2014 · 575
Dear Mom... Letter #2
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Mama, there is no question
That you love me
With every particle of your being.
Mama, I'm sorry I told you
That things would be okay.

Mama, I'm sorry I said
That he would be just fine.
I really believed it too.
I lied, unintentionally
And now this is all my fault.

Mama, I should not have to be strong for you
As you would never ask that of me.
But I cannot stop myself from trying
*And failing.
Apr 2014 · 377
Dear Friend... Letter #1
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
You have hurt me
By judging how I grieve.
Still, I should not have lashed out.
My heart has been a dark abyss
I find myself loveless
Both in giving and in receiving it.
It is not fair how I am acting
But neither is what is happening.
My life has crumbled before my eyes
He was not supposed to die
And I cling to guilt and sadness
Like bitter friends
As they are all I have left.
This is not meant to be
A wasted apology
But I am sorry
For acting so selfishly
And for simply
Becoming a new, more sinister
Lonelier version of me.
Apr 2014 · 222
Now
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Now
Before, you were here.
Before, you sang the "Eerie Canal Song"
Every time we were together.
Before, you always called me stretch
Which is ironic
Because I have never been tall.
Before, when you smiled at me
And I knew exactly what it meant.
Before, when I was sick
You always were there to take care of me.
Before, even when you snapped at me
I knew we would be joking around fifteen minute later.
Before, I wanted to keep your view of me
Immaculate and squeaky clean.
Before, even when I didn't know anything
I knew you would be there, cheering me on
Even when you were hundreds of miles away.
Before, I knew you would never leave.

That was then
This is now.
Now, you're gone.
And I don't know anything anymore.

Now, you're not around
Now, I feel so guilty because we're here
And you're somewhere drifting in some other atmosphere
That some people call Heaven.
Before, I used to believe that Heaven was somewhere
Way beyond the space we know
And that the streets were lined with gold
Because that's what I was told.
Now, I just don't know.

Now, we're living our lives on Earth
Now, we have this unquenchable pain
And some days, we don't know why.
Now, we wonder
If when you look down at us
You're proud.
Now, there's all this uncertainty
Since you're up there and we're over here
What would you say if you
Were alive and healthy
The way I remember you
The way you should be?

Now,
I'm broken.
Now,
Everything is different
And it's not for the better.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Think about the happy times.
You're lucky you had sixteen years with him
I never got that.
Stop isolating yourself and move on.
You're so pessimistic.
It's better that he didn't suffer.
Everybody grieves differently.*
Then why can't you just let me
Grieve my way?
Apr 2014 · 332
Simple Man (song)
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Simple man, where'd you go?
You were always there for me
As quintessential as anyone could be
I'm on the edge and I'm missing you tonight

You were my hero
You are my star
Your name will never leave my lips
Thank you, simple angel
I cannot wait to see you again

Lovely man, where'd you fly to?
Everyone adored you
As a mentor, a father, a friend
Could I ask for anyone better?
Why must these things end?

You were my cheerleader
You are my rock
Your name will never leave my lips
Thank you, lovely angel
I cannot wait to see you again

I fall apart so rigidly
And the pieces of my heart
Are causing me to bleed
Do you see us hurting for your return?
I'm sorry for disappointing you
I'm sorry I told her you would be just
Fine

You are my protector
You see me through
Your name will never leave my lips
Thank you, beautiful angel
I cannot wait to see you again

You entered this world so simply
And you went out with a bang
Hoping to surprise my grandma with this at my grandpa's funeral, thoughts?
Apr 2014 · 685
Artistry
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
They tell me I should draw my feelings
As a means of coping.
They do not realize
How scared I am
Of what my hand may scribble.
My art would be too dark
As I still have thoughts of relapse
And worse.
If I drew
They would send me to the hospital
Once again.
But why?
I have not acted on these impulses.
The drawings would show
The demons that lurk inside of me.
Apr 2014 · 433
I've Been Hurting
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
I've been hurting recently
In every way imaginable.
My heart shatters within my chest
And the pieces splinter painfully.
My mind has been pushed until
It can take no more.
It does not want to be strong anymore
How long will it take
Before it finally breaks?
My hands, they shake violently
I cannot keep them still.
My legs lug themselves along
As my feet become cinderblocks without a cause.
My core meets its volatile friend, Anxiety
Shooting knives into my stomach
With every movement.
She makes my breathing shallow
And saturates my body
In buckets of sweat.
Why must this happen now?
It's ******* the life from me
Day by day
Minute by minute
Every second
I cannot talk
I cannot move
I cannot *be.
Apr 2014 · 272
Where is she?
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
This isn't me
Or is it?
Could it be
A newer version
Of me?
I really am
Not its hugest fan.
I miss
The old me
The one who
Was all smiles
All the time.
The girl who could
Cheer anybody up
Even when her own life
Was left in shambles.
That person
Who rarely let
Her personal and professional lives
Intertwine themselves
Within one another.
That lovely almost woman
Who stood for everything
Even when
It was too big for her to
Take on alone.
Where is she?
Where did she go?
She left when you
*Left her.
I have not been the same since my grandpa passed away.  I wish I could say that it had not affected me as much as it has.
Apr 2014 · 551
Unbelievable
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Fall to the floor and scream
Seems to be some form
Of my coping mechanism.
It happens when
People die
I am assaulted
I am discovered
For what I truly am
A liar and a fraud
I don't cry anymore
I just shout at the top of my lungs
No longer do I care about
Who hears me
My mind and my trembling body yell
"This cannot be happening!"
This has to be a mirage
It's too unbelievable
To be real (my) life.
Apr 2014 · 301
Memories
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Late night kisses
Sneaking around
Hiding from our parents
Driving lessons
Cheating on each other
Cheating with each other
Heartbreaking
Love making
In the worst places.
How we fought
Getting caught
And having
The toxicity of our romance
Boil over
And reveal itself
To the world we thought we knew.
These are my
Horrible
       Wonderful
Tragic
        Beautiful
Memories
     Of
        You.
Apr 2014 · 7.2k
Victory
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Every time I see you
I want to scream.
My body trembles
From my head down to my feet.
My stomach dissolves
Within my stocky shape
I try my best to avoid you
But it seems as if there is no escape.
I miss the days
That you were not around
You claimed
To be receiving "help" for yourself.
*******
But I was okay with it
Because your face did not curse me with its presence.
You treat me
Like I am ten inches tall
It makes me angry
To think about what you did to me.
I feel the sickness
Creep from my stomach
Up through my throat.
Every particle of my body
Wants to explode.
Deny the laws of science
It will.
And yet,
Nobody knows
That your perverted hands and mind
Explored my skin and my brain
When consent was not an option.
You would not let me change my mind
So am I to blame?
You make me wants to purge
But I will not
You make me want to scream
But I cannot
Sometimes,
You even make me feel like leaving this life
And never looking back.
But I do not.
After all,
That would be giving you
Too much satisfaction.
I will never grant you that victory.
*******, *******.
Apr 2014 · 2.0k
A Remedy for Sleeplessness
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
The amount of nicotine I ingest
Is more than enough
To send a small child
Into a lengthy coma.

Although it helps me relax
For but a moment
As I take them by the pack
Chain smoking just has a way
Of sending a person down.

Passing out is a means of sleep
But when all you do is shake
And your heart may as well burst
Is it worth the risk
And the headache that forms shortly after
The buzz wears off?

Absolutely.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
The disparity between the rich and the poor in New York is severe.  People in business suits and people wearing rags walk the same streets, but do not even look each other in the eye.  Generally, judgment flows both ways.  The wealthy believe that the poor bring it upon themselves, that they are *****, and that they are nothing more than charity cases.  The destitute criticize those who have money to be stuck-up and hypocritical.  I have had the unique chance to break these characterizations that, in many cases, could not be farther from the truth.  Many people on the streets have taken wrong turns on the road of life, are addicted, and have made their own bed in some respect.  However, many have struggled with broken homes, have a mental illness or have a hard time speaking English.  They did not choose this life for themselves; their circumstances placed them into it.
Take Herman for example.  As an immigrant from Guatemala, his family seldom had much money.  As an adult, he was in an accident and injured his leg, leaving him unable to work.  After being incapable of supporting himself for many years, he lost his small apartment and became homeless.  He is one of the people who came out the Relief Bus nearly every time I was in that spot.  The Relief Bus is an organization that my dad found through my church.  They go to several spots in New York City and Newark to feed soup to the passersby out of a hollowed out school bus.  It was a chilly night in Port Authority when I was talking to Herman.  What struck me about him was that he was wearing shorts in forty degree weather.  He had several scarves and a hat on, and all of his belongings were in a shopping cart that he carried around with him.  I get cold pretty quickly, so I was bundled up in a few layers of sweatshirts but I was still shaking.  He handed me a scarf and my friend Sam a hat, both of which looked nearly new.  I began to tear up and did not know what to say.  This man who literally had nothing was giving us articles of his clothing.  That night, I had almost stayed home, as I was tired and still grieving over my grandpa, who had passed away suddenly a week and a half earlier.  For a moment, I forgot that I was suffering.  For a moment, I could focus on giving love and compassion, as well as receiving it.  For a moment, I was at peace.
Coincidentally, that night I slept for the first time since my grandpa passed away.  Prior to this, I had fallen asleep in the theatre and passed out in a parking lot after chain smoking a pack of Marlboros.  I still had nightmares and woke up several times that night, but it was a start.  Maybe this was because I knew my grandpa was proud of me, or maybe it was because for the first time in years, I was proud of myself.
Apr 2014 · 886
Something Dreamlike
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
I think I'm going crazy
From torturing myself with pictures
From reading your emails until I can no longer breathe.
For last night I ran away in my sleep
I was fast and went far and seldom looked back.

It started when I went for a walk
And turned my phone off
To escape reality.
And yet, these misconfigured beings
They chased me all the while.
My body started talking
How badly am I hallucinating?

My legs told me
"I don't want to run anymore."
My hands told me
"I don't want to fight anymore."
My brain told me
"I don't want to think anymore."
Therefore
I allowed myself to give up.

And it didn't feel so bad after all.
I was on my own
No one knew where I was
No one cared either.
I took a bus straight out of Hell
To some mysterious land.

Suddenly,
I realized I was seeing spots
Light peaked through the darkness
But I was not gone.
I was lying in the middle of a parking lot
Trying to get some sleep
And trying to avoid the fact
That maybe crazy isn't a big enough word
To describe what I have become.
Apr 2014 · 474
Different World
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
My body shakes
Bones break
People are dying
But nobody's crying
I just want to know
Why?
Muscles are ripped off my bones
I have never felt more alone
Migraines make a home in my head
Can't I just go back to bed?
It is the strangest feeling
When you no longer hope for healing
But to tear off your skin
Your mentality is wearing thin
Where do I go now, sweet tragedy?
This planet has no place for me.
However, I do not hope for death
Only a space in which to catch my breath.
Is there any magic wand that can twirl
Me down the path into a different world?
Apr 2014 · 509
All of a Sudden
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
All of a sudden
My life came crashing down
All of a sudden
I was broken on the ground
All of a sudden
You were gone before my eyes
All of a sudden
I broke down my walls and cried
All of a sudden
My happiness was no longer there
All of a sudden
This dream became a nightmare
Apr 2014 · 244
Regrets on regrets
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
I'm tired of losing control
I'm exhausted from spinning my wheels
And always getting stuck in the mud
I'm getting sick from looking at pictures
From reading every email exchange
That I know
Can never happen again.
So why didn't I appreciate them
When they did?
I cannot bring myself to accept that
You are gone.
And I am brought to my knees
With how regretful I am
Of the fact that I never appreciated you
When I had the chance.
Apr 2014 · 1.1k
Grieving
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Your death
Is transforming my life.
My health is down the drain
My body is in pain
And my mind is in a far worse state
I'm depressed and a wreck
I don't sleep or eat
At least not the way I used to.
These bloodshot eyes are tired of leaking
My chest wishes to rest
And the only time I'm not shaking
Is when my lips
Are curled around a cigarette
And smoke abundant in my lungs.
Some may call it a mental breakdown
I call it grieving.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
NO*
This
Can't
Be
Real
I still can't believe you're gone Grandpa, I never imagined I could miss anyone so much
Mar 2014 · 275
Church Talk
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
It's funny
how when a person passes
all of there sins are forgiven
and forgotten.
not just by god
but by those who loved them
as well.
you never here
anyone talking about negative memories
they have with this person.
maybe this is one step closer
to becoming the godlike people
that he supposedly intended
for us to become.
Mar 2014 · 394
Shake
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I can't stop my hands from shaking
My mind won't stop spinning
My head is relentlessly pounding
And my heart is breaking.

Can I deliver myself
From such a curse that I can't control?
You have my body aching
And not only that
But you also have my soul.
Mar 2014 · 700
Acceptance (10 Words)
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Can't I just keep pretending
Like you are only *sleeping?
Mar 2014 · 256
Walking Ghost
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I am nothing but a lowly ghost
Floating through life like a stranger
As brackish tears sting my chapped lips
I try to wrap my mind around the fact
That you're gone
That you had a chance at survival
But for some unknown reason
Didn't.
That even had you been able
To partially recover
You would never be the same person.
How do I move on?
Family dinners
Birthdays
Vacations
Will be anything but ordinary.
Won't you just give up and come home?
Or maybe you are,
But all I know
Is that my home
Will never be one again.
Still writing for my grandpa, he was probably the closest male to me in my life second to my dad. I miss you Gramps, the last 24 have been excruciating.
Mar 2014 · 487
Hazel Eyes (15 W)
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
It gets me every time
When they say to me
"You have your grandpa's eyes."
Mar 2014 · 342
Planning a funeral
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Am I supposed to cry?
Or should I hold it together?
Would it make me look heartless
If I didn't shed a tear?
My body is breaking down to the bone
My mind is numbed by various events
Is it sickness or sadness
That is wearing me thin?
I tried to write you a song
But I couldn't get past the first verse.
What can I do to honor you now?
I wish I knew what to feel
And how to express it all.
Rest in peace Grandpa. I love you.
Mar 2014 · 276
Death in 20 Words
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
The worst part
Isn't that you're dying.
It is
The fact that I can't forget it
*It's everywhere I go
Mar 2014 · 451
Staring at the Sun
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I've never felt so helpless.
Watching people who seemed indestructible
Break down before my eyes
Is no easy fleet
Being ****** into situations
In which I have no control
Has never been this hard
Will things be okay?
Can anything defuse this chaos?
I'm stuck between
Being the protector and holding it together
And
Completely falling apart.
I feel like a child
Who wants nothing more than comfort
My only relief
Comes from the cigarette between my curled lips
The sweet release of smoke
Is close enough to total bliss.
For now, I guess
I'll keep ingesting more of this tobacco cocktail
Looking for answers
And staring at the sun.
Mar 2014 · 522
Without You
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Last night i almost lost you
and i remembered everything.
The songs you taught me to sing
every joke we annoyed mom with
how you knew everyone we ran into on the street.
I realized
that i cannot imagine what it will be like
if you miss
my high school graduation
my first day of college
my wedding day...
and i know that you might not make it
long enough to experience
all of those things.
but i can simply not imagine my life
without you here.
For Gramps, whose pulse stopped in surgery last night.  He is more stable now (thank God) but I am terrified to lose him.
Mar 2014 · 328
Beyond Broken
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Take me away
So I can silently break
Let me shatter
Away from all of this clatter
I can't stand the sound
Of a life going down
I allow myself to sink
And before I can blink
I am at the bottom of the sea.
Won't someone save me?
They think I'm pure as snow
Not that I am boiling and smoking
And they will never know
That I am beyond broken
Mar 2014 · 377
Anatomy of a Facade
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Don't show your scars
They say
You're doing better on your own.*
But life's waves consume you
And the brokenness enthralls you
Bit by terrified bit
Is it possible
To just "fake it til you make it"?

So you try to just move on
But you're doing everything wrong
No one can hold you back
Because it feels like your world
Is under attack.
Deception is not your intention
But face it, you're fake
Soon enough you're bound to break.

You can't do this any longer
It's not going to make you stronger
So darling, let it go
Let the ink and the tears begin to flow
You don't have to be heroic
When it's making you so stoic
You can fight this emotional plague
Once you realize
That you don't need to be okay.
Mar 2014 · 442
Nowhere to Hide
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
My sins have been exposed
I've been stripped bare of all my
Lost and misguided masks
That kept me feeling
Like maybe I could be okay.
But now
No one is there for me
I am faltering, struggling
With a knife pointed at the jugular vein
I cannot die
But I cannot do this alone
Do I even have a choice ?
Of course I don't
After all,
Making choices was never my forte
So why should now be any different?
They've left me
**** and frightened
Bruised and tender
And yet I'm so calloused?
Who am I
That I can barely escape
This pile of rubble and pain that is my
Perilous past
Or could it be
My paralyzing present
That continues to puncture
This putty-like membrane
That we call skin.
This is a relapse
With no one to talk to.
This is a war
With nowhere to hide.
Mar 2014 · 758
Judgmental(ity)
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
You judge them
Based on their clothing
Their coping methods
If they have a lot of ***
If they don't get any at all
Their religion
Their sexuality
Their background
Their appearance
Their reputation

But what if
We looked inside their souls for a moment
And saw the broken pieces
That long to be mended?
We could start looking at them
And stop looking through them
What if
We saw their hearts
Instead of their facades?

I wish
We could stop criticizing people
Based on our own warped ideas of them
And start
Loving people for who they **are.
Mar 2014 · 373
Betrayal (10 w)
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I said
"No."
So why didn't you
Leave me
*alone?
Thanks for nothing, *******.
Mar 2014 · 386
Beautiful Fool
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Floods of the unforgiving tide
rush in to captivate our feet.
Knee-deep in this hateful sand
we stand, our feet planted firm.
But it was always easier to fall
than to be thrown to the ground.
You were the first one who taught me
just how to be a beautiful fool.

I pretend I do not know what it's like
to grow up with two people
who hurl words like knives
who use their daughter as the scapegoat
for the problems they do not wish to deal with.
They have taught her to conform
but as she refuses
and so, she is tortured emotionally.

For then she hits thirteen
and she is awestruck by some devilish boy
who takes her on her first trip that she experiences
while intoxicated by love.
One of the side effects is blindness.

He knows exactly what she wants to hear
and he sings it to her, ever so delicately.
She will never want to let him go.
As he wraps her around his finger
she begins to see the danger
but she wants nothing more than to indulge.
She loves him, forever and always
and desires, hopes and wants nothing more
than to be his
*beautiful fool.
Inspired by a quote from The Great Gastby.  This is how it relates to my life.
Mar 2014 · 1.7k
Social Status
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Hey pretty girl,
Who asked you
To take on the world?
They don't know what you've been through
That you had a child
When you were one yourself
You grew up so seamlessly
Even when you got little help.
You work two jobs
Care for the homeless
In the most extreme way.
I have learned more from you
Than I can ever repay.
Still, you never consider yourself
Unlucky or unfortunate.
Just because we are different
Does not mean a thing
People seem to think
That you're beer and I'm champagne
That isn't how it works at all.
My parents say
You've made questionable choices
Like they haven't?
I don't understand
Why money is so important
Just because we come from
Separate sectors of the financial latter
Does not mean
We lack a friendship that matters
For Kelly
Mar 2014 · 450
Holding Cell
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I can't break out
Of these chains that bind my brokenness
In a straightjacket, I stand
Just waiting for a prognosis.
I cling to anything, everything
I possibly can
As the pieces of my once perfect life
Fall down around me.
Who am I to believe
That I am good enough?
Who am I to believe
That I will make it out of here alive?
So I sit, and I wait, and wait
Staring at the blank wall
I think I am going crazy
But really
I am simply trapped and unmoved
By the holding cell of mental illness.
Mar 2014 · 507
Doctor
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
My heart is
an empty compilation
of veins and arteries.
It is black and cold
and yearns to be healed
but by whom?
I'll tell you the answer
to that secret and unkempt
hole within my chest:
I need you
*to fix me up
Mar 2014 · 447
The Inner Battle
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Dear me,
It's all your fault.
Stop panicking
About things you can't change.
You're a **** up.
Let the past mistakes be
A map for your future
Not a hindrance.
You'll never be good enough.
You are wonderful
And your eyes shine
More brilliantly than any star.
Your eating disorder has become who you are.
Your name is not bulimia
And addiction is not your address.
You will always be bound to this.
You will overcome all adversity
And live to tell your beautiful story.

From
the real you

Love
The real you
Mar 2014 · 661
Wasted Potential
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
You tell me
"you can be anything you want to
you have come such a long way
i am so proud of you."
If only you knew the real me.
if only you knew the nights spent
hunched over the toilet, gagging  
curled up in the bath tub, bawling
hacking away
at the skin i wish i could shed.
wavering between
trying everything life has to offer
and completely giving up.
You don't know where i am
or where i have been.
I am wasting that potential
that you have always known
was there.
It is rotting away within me.
Based on something my manager said to me today, about how much I have matured and how I have so much potential. This is my reaction to it.
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I
Am
About
To

  C
       R
    U
         M
       B
        L
  *    E
Mar 2014 · 1.4k
Soap Opera
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Life*
is just a larger
dirtier version
of high school...

(No one really gets ahead)
Mar 2014 · 257
Six Months
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
I wish I knew
The reason you stopped trying
To find any remains
Of the body you left behind
Your beautiful soul still lingers
Could I be the reason?
I should have noticed, right?
I was always there for you
Oh, how I wish you knew
You do not go away
And I miss you day by day.
Six months is a long time
It feels like I got the news yesterday
My mind is jumbled with questions
Like
Why is it always the ones that everybody loves
That have to leave too soon?
I miss you, forever
But somehow
Over this last half a year
I have discovered more about myself
Than I ever could have imagined.
Thank you for giving me that opportunity
Even if it was painful for everyone.
But we all embraced each other's agony
And you taught us that lesson.
I may never stop missing you
But I will also
Never stop thanking you.
For Colin, tomorrow it will be six months since you left us. I have never known someone like you.  You were and are one of my greatest role models. Keep resting in peace sweet angel.
Mar 2014 · 253
Home (10 w)
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
You
   fell
      apart

            right
                in
                   front
                  of
                my
         young
   *eyes
Mar 2014 · 1.5k
I'm just too damn funny.
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
That cynical sense of humor
That sarcastic disposition
Yet, a certain sadness infects
The "I don't give a ****" attitude
Are you reading me yet?
There's something ironic
Something insane
About how someone who is that insecure
Could be so ridiculously vain.
Mar 2014 · 512
Growing Up
Jordan Frances Mar 2014
Childhood**
What was it?
At first glance
It may be an innocent depiction
Of playing in the streets
Until way past dusk

Running anywhere and everywhere
Scraped knees
Bicycle races
Talent shows
Swimming pools

Is that my childhood?
Perhaps
But that is not what I remember.

I recall
Being violated
Humiliated
Shamed into eating less than the other kids
Or eating nothing at all.

Being told I'm fat
Being bullied at school and at home
Holding onto secrets
That literally made me sick
With headaches and stomaches.
I was predisposed to extreme stress
And all of it's physical symptoms.

All of that innocence
Was taken from my ***** little fingers
I was forced to take accountability
For things that were done to me

I learned about things
That no child should know
And yet
They wonder why I blame myself?
I guess these are just the perks
Of growing up.
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