The times are very hard
I try to press onward but
Don't get very far
The days are long and weary
So many anvenues blocked
And my eyes are very teary
I cry because of the pain
It seems like it won't go away
I search out for an answer
Like it ever had the key
So lonely inside and
Heartbroken that I wish
Someone would come
And rescue me

I want to scream
everything is falling to pieces
The world weighs on me
And half the battle is never over
Never will be

Someone ruscue my tortured heart
It's been falling apart
For years I have ran away
And nothing saves me today
I'm still hurting from the pain
It won't subside
I look in the mirror
And want to cry
Smash it with my fist
Cause I'm the only one
On my **** list

Why do I feel the way I do
All I have ever asked for is some peace
But nothing seems like it does the trick
No distraction for this cracked up heart of mine
All has been chaos in my life
Years of hitting my knees
Praying for the heavens to ignite a fire within me
But all I see is the devil chasing after what I believe
The temptation is too strong and I fall to pieces

The nighttime is such a lonely place to be
Inside this crazy mind of mine
Searching for the answers but coming up empty
I want to scream and shout
I'll never know what life is all about
I have so many doubts
Why I feel the way I do
Not knowing if I ever knew
What was true
Can't you see
It's written on my face
This ****** life puts me in place

And I tried giving you my love

But all you wanted was my

Money

Poor little old me
Can't anyone see
That I am unique
And differently
If I only had a glass
Filled it up with wine
I would be a winey ***
****** up in my own mind
It ain't politically correct
To think more of one self
But I do it all the time
Not very humble
I say ***** being humble
I'm just trying to live life
If that means I'm not asking
You for help then don't get mad
I've taken hard knocks to
Learn that I'm just bad
I've buried my emotions
Deep down in my soul
Not to let you see all the commotion
And to think you know me
Is hard to believe
I'm just ******* human
Can't anyone see
...that...
Human
Not unique
To think beyond that point
Is beyond me
I bleed
Smoked a joint or two
Drank to oblivion
On more than one occasion
And now you want to control
My life
I don't ******* think so
I've made many mistakes
I'll make many more
But the one mistake I won't make
Is to give you reign over me

And now I feel like a *******,
Called you up because I thought we were friends,
And now it seems like your belittling will never end.
I don't know if that was your attention,
To berate me like you were my dad,
But now I'm the one who is sad,
Wondering what gave you the right to
Think you can ever give advice on life?
I can't stand people who think they know
It all, they know Jack **** about nothing,
Always getting involved with my life,
Thinking they can control every aspect
Of what I say and do. They would rather
Look into my heart instead of their own,
It displeases them when I am content, it
Makes them sick to think I'm getting along
Without them. So, what the hell is going on
Here, I can't swallow your truth, or what you
Believe is true. I have my own beliefs and it
Sure as **** doesn't involve you.

Two souls aloft these river bends
Crossing thresholds of purity water
Jaded by the love of longing friends
Into the night of lasting moments

Hollowness benign to the very end
Not delicate but much farther
Crashing together the nature of sins
Testimonials of how there became a dent

A little pin ***** upon the mind
Splitting open a scruptuleous mold
Diverted to a higher platform in time
Jaded love can't save these souls

**** this and **** that
It's all ******* anyway
I would like this and that
But we all have to pay
Wouldn't it be nice
If there were no killings
No wars to fight in
No murders on the streets
But that's not the way it is
Have to be ******* politically correct
Or get shot for using your imagination
The times are hard, so ******* scary
Will there be any brootherhood among us?
So much hatred, so very little peace
Too many people along the sidelines not to trust
But that's the way it goes, it time to get used to it
Make the most out of it, carry a ******* gun
I'll protect my family before I'll protect you
I'll **** someone ******* with them and
Not even think twice, does that make me
A madman or is it self-preservation?
So it's a matter of survival than anything else
It is the times, get ******* used to it!

The worse is love
Deadened by time
Wishing it was over
And the look is in our eyes
Finding excuses to run
No more fun
Just two lonely hearts
Becoming undone
All twisted up inside
The feeling is in our gut
Can't escape this rut
So it's time to call it quits
And move apart from here
Go our separate ways
Make time come clear
For it's better to be alone
Than to be together in misery

It was nothing I ******* said really
Just an excuse for you to *****
I hear what you're saying but don't mind
It's all ******* most of the time

I feel like punching you in the worse way
I can't believe you and what you say
There's no reason why you can't stop
The way down is a huge drop

I'll take you out to the shed
Show you what's inside this head
It will get ugly because I've had enough
Why can't you ever shut the **** up!

The day has turned to ****
What is there for me to do
My attitude isn't a pleasant one
And I seem to take it out on you
Why don't you tell me to kiss your ***
It would stop me in my tracks
Tell me I'm being an *******
And I need to stop getting on your back
Just because I choose to be rotten
Doesn't mean I should take it out on someone
Tell me to go **** myself
Maybe that will get my attention

I heard so many things
Don't know what's what
I was suppose stand by your side
But I chose to run away
And change my life all over again
I can do that now
But I choose not to
It's better to face my fears
Than to split town
Something I've done
Throughout my life
When it gets too hard
I turn out to be a *******

The grudge scene is where I found music.

Light up that joint
And let's get high
Get behind the wheel
And let's ride
Listen to some Alice in chains
That "would," song is really nice
Let's try to get lost
And find ourselves in New Philadelphia
What the hell was that road we took?
We tried to find it later and couldn't
Was it because we were so high
And found ourselves in a different light

Getting too close
To you is like
Touching hot coals,
I want to take a step
Back and tell you
I'm not worth all this
Attention.
It's hard for me
To describe, how far
Do we have to go
Until the walls come
Crashing down?
I'm so confused of
Which way to go that
It's driving me crazy,
I love you so much that
I want to strangle you.

What the hell am I searching for,
it seems like everything takes a back door?
I try things but things are too bleak,
what the hell is wrong with me?
I try to look at the beauty of things
but most of the time I'm thinking negative.
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun,
and my attitude is **** poor.

Is this what I have to contend with,
marching along to a different beat?
Looking at things from the dark side,
wondering if it will ever be right with my life.
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun.

I have everything to be grateful for,
but I truly don't know for sure,
what the hell am I after,
when the days seems like a lonely road to travel?
Where is all the support,
or did I make them all go away?
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun,
and my attitude is **** poor.

I looked into your eyes,
wishing I could take away your pain.
I never truly knew how you felt inside,
just guessing in a way.
Here you were going to the restroom,
at first I only had a thought,
an incling of what was wrong with you,
but there you ***** what you bought.
The days were rough on your heart,
I couldn't image the hurt you had,
the depression tearing you apart,
hours of loneliness made you sad.
.
I loved you for being you,
not because of your image,
but it was I who had no clue,
just waiting for the dawn to rise,
and there was nothing for me to do,
you told me it was your fight,
so I had to continue to be there for you,
holding your hand and saying the right words,
making the days count for something.

Why all the pain and misery,
Can't you find anything to be happy over?
You woke up and are able to walk on your feet,
You have the love of your family.
Why do you insist on being depressed,
There is a lot to be grateful for?
It doesn't have to be a lonely road,
You can get right with others;
All you have to do is surrender,
let the joy flow into you.
It will be a better way of life,
So many happier thoughts,
And a life that is true.

Seeing my reflection was hard to reflect,
The pain I caused others I wanted to object,
But it was a reality just as breathing,
This hollow face that I was seeing.
The tears flowed from my eyes,
To think I was the one to cause the pain,
It wasn't much to forget about life,
And try really hard to run away.
But now I have to face my sins,
And try really hard not to do it again,
To do a 180 and find a different ninche,
It's shouldn't be that hard to find meaning and purpose.
I have taken so much out of life,
Reaching deep down in my heart is about time,
And find the courage to change my ways.

The time has come,
to find a better way,
don't want to feel undone,
don't want to run away.

It's been a life of beautiful experiences,
a life full of chaos and fears,
so many difficult obstacles,
the days has turned into years.

Finding a different course to take,
it has been a road filled with love,
making memories happen everyday,
this is a life dreamed of.

Dead to the world, nothing matters anymore,
trying to find the keys to unlock these doors;
to my mind, to my heart, to the missing parts-
Of this life that has been misplace,
not knowing what's written on my face,
Is it love that brings me back,
trying hard to get on track,
and find the courage to open up,
And let these wounds heal?

Seeing my reflection is hard to take,
trying to come to terms with myself.
It all falls away, so lonely and afraid-
Conjuring up enough nerve to pray.
What or who am I praying to?
But by this time I just don't want the pain,
the heartache I feel so deep inside,
I want it all to go away, so far away-
feel some peace in my life some day.

It hurts to finally realize,
all that I do does not matter.
     You still want more and more,
you want it all from me;
     My pride!
     My dignity!
Everything I hold dear,
     You don't treasure none of it.
I'd rather see you go,
        then to put up with this nonsense.

Born in a world of guilt and shame
wondering if it is all worth while
Longing for a better way
but it's been hard to smile

Grieving over lost loves
I wasn't ready to commit
It wasn't by no means what I dreamed of
being so uninvolved and worthless

Sacrificed everything I had
my dignity went down the drain
It's no wonder why I felt so bad
cause I treated you with restraint

Drowning my sorrows with the drink
just an excuse to run away
Not hard for me to sink
to the bottom is where I stayed

Good people losing hope in me
praying for my return to health
They exclaimed this wasn't what they wanted to see
slowly killing myself is what I felt

Open up these wounds
and let the power flow in
I want to break free of this soon
and find purpose in life again

Too many lies I've told
just because I wanted to be liked
I wanted your friendship
or I wanted to get into your pants
I wanted that ***** really bad
and then I wanted the next *****
I never knew how to love
nor be respectful of any kind
one after another
it was just one big lie
I was never capable to stay
commitment? **** that!
I always ran away
Just spread those legs
and then get out
I never knew what a
relationship was all about
I told sweet promises
only to pull down those *******
What a ******* ******* I was
What a ******* joke I became

Wouldn't it be nice if I could change you
You could change everything about Me
We can meet in the middle and finally agree on something

Your weapon cuts like a knife,
deep and sure, a piercing through the heart
I am your victim, a casualty  of words
they go flying, straight to my head
Mean and unjustifiably wrong
Now I wish myself dead

Can I cry into my pillow,
the emotions I have are great?
I just want to blow,
and be rid of the heaviness in my chest.
Days are filled with hatred,
each one wondering why.
The more I hear I want to ****,
**** the person wanting to wreck my life.

This is the end of you,
the more I see your face I want to destroy;
break **** and tear **** apart,
but I would rather take these hands of mine around your neck,
and choke the very breath out from your eyes.
You are the one setting the course,
creating a death sentence of your life.

Rumors,
How do they get started?
They cause a lot of pain.
The truth gets blurred,
And gossip devolops.
These people aren't happy
Unless they lie about what
You have said and done.
They can't said it that you're happy
It makes their lives
miserable
Because you're not.

Monkey business
lazy atmosphere
Romping around
giddy inside

Time to be serious
a time not to be
Words are hard
difficult to say

Breaming with gratitude
It's flowing
growing
taking stalk of blessings

wonderful!

Nobody is what I feel like
just a nobody
Somebody all alone
all alone inside my head

There's a void inside my gut
no rhyme or reason
My heart is closed shut
and I can feel the changing seasons

Looking for something real
it isn't as easy as I thought
The past lays waste to how I feel
and the hollowness is my cross

I bear it...

To the ones I have hurt, I apologize for my transgressions
What a ******* fool I was, so ******* clueless about life
I bulldozed the ones I loved, causing so much oppression
Just because of the ******* selfishness I had inside
What a waste my life has been, turning away so many friends
Proving to others that I'm not to be trusted
I would steal your wallet and help you look for it
I would smile at you and then stab you in the ******* back
There was nothing meaningful in my world
just everything you owned and had
And then I wondered why I felt so ******* bad
I thought my life cursed but I set the ball rolling
choosing the darkness instead of the light
And then I wondered why I felt so ******* bad inside

There is a moment, something ******* stopping me
Some kind of a ******* force, I can't ******* explain it
What I want to say and do, which would cause me turmoil
Isn't so hard not to say and do these things, like a few seconds
has been added to rescue me from ******* stupidity
I want to punch my co-worker, such a *******
the way he treats me is that I'm his ******* *****
these few seconds are very precious, I hold my tongue
and ball up my fist. I take it up the *** instead of making
matters worse and winding up in prison
This guy needs to be ******* punched, some people just ******* deserve it. This guy surely does. But wherever this force comes from I'm not going to question it because it saves me from the anger within

Looking for the answers, the truth within
Praying to the heavens, searching from without
The secrets that I told myself, the attitude to destroy
Scars of ashes all up and down my arm
I wanted to feel the physical
I wanted no emotional
The actions I caused because of self-harm
I couldn't see anything beautiful
only the darkness plagued my senses
I spent years of self-doubt
killing any hope of a normal life
Now there is only the insane
and still I feel my own self-pain

Peace searches for the one who tries to find it;
radical thoughts triumphantly plaguing the
mirror's glare, not comprehending the circle
of fiends beguiled by the heart's stare, longing
for  standards to uproot the consciousness and
let go the busyness of the times.

The words are hard to say
but it seems like that's all I've been saying
since I could walk and talk
How many times have I said them
without even knowing what they mean?
My actions speak volumes
and my mouth is a viper
I could not do it again
or I can tell you off
and make matters worse
But once I give in and surrender
to the fact I hurt you where these words
have to be said, trying to make right what
became wrong.

Slowly killing yourself
the pain seems inevitable
like clouds hiding the sun
you want to be somewhere else
but life had felt undone
You want the world
but the world doesn't want you
Life seems like it's falling to pieces
and there isn't much left to do
then to accept the inevitable
Pain, misery, it's all for you
you don't want anything else
then to feel so sorry for yourself
and cut deeply, making these wounds real

I can't see clearly now,
my eyes have blinders on.
I tried loving you,
but expectations got in the way.
I expected so much out of you,
you expected so much out of me,
how the hell can we be together-
when the front door is looking pretty good.

You've said your peace,
letting me know your love came piece by piece,
there was always something to disagree,
and you made me feel alone in this relationship.
You wanted to change me to fit your own selfish needs,
all it seemed like you cared about was to get high.
All  I ever wanted was a little honesty,
but you wouldn't open up to me and share.

I tried being your friend,
but you wouldn't let me in,
and I get so upset for the way I cared.

I can see clearly now,
you never loved me the way I loved you.
There was always a stipulation-
for the way you felt about me.
Sorry, but now I have to leave-
only to save my sanity.

It seems pointless to say what ever comes to mind,
I've uprooted people's lives, hoping to get ahead in life.
But what I really got was a slap in the face, what a disgrace-
the path I chose was misplaced and chaos judged me by my
ways, hurting so many throughout days and days, causing
pain in their hearts, I took part, crushing their spirits and
laughing inside because I got what I wanted. Selfish and self-
centered, not caring about others' souls, creating hell in their
lives. What a shame I've been, what a sin, a ******* fool withering
away in the wind.

What a complete ******* I have been, treating the one I loved the most like ****, hurting her in a way that is inexcusable, taking away the place she called home and we were united under one breath. Too many things went on, another person came along and I chose to uproot her life by cheating on her with this person. Why did I choose such a path? Did it come down to ***? I can't pin-point my sin or sins but nevertheless it was wrong, the road I chose lead me to hell and back to hell again. Karma has a funny way of finding me when I'm doing wrong, when I'm doing things that aren't right to the universe. I wrote this woman a nasty letter while she was away for a little while, paragraphs of **** spewing onto paper just because I had a belief of a life not going right with her but it went okay when we were together. The other person was a mistake, lead me straight to handcuffs and a life of complete turmoil. Why did I go that route, only God can explain it to me because I sure as **** can't.

If I could turn back time and change everything I said or did I wouldn't. Life today has meaning and purpose. The past has taught me a valuable lesson, that we all need each to survive. I can't do life without any help, that's why I need you to be a part of it. I need all the help I can get, that's why I firmly believe there were and still are people praying for me. I'm not alone today. I feel the presence of others' love flowing from their hearts. And most importantly, I feel the presence of God as I understand Him saving me from my own destructive self.

I'm all for a new order of things, hoping it will all turn out okay. If I surrender to God as I understand Him then the days will surmount and a whole brand new life will appear.

It's what I know,
pain and misery.
I've given it to myself,
****** myself over,
trying to be someone I'm not.
I've hurt so many,
a path of destruction in my wake.
I reach out to you,
but there is no forgiveness in your eyes,
just bitterness and hate.
I can't back down,
I want to break free,
find a better way
and live life peacefully.
But that's only a wish,
and wishing are for fools.
I've been a fool for so long,
I don't even know what's real.
I know others like to **** with me
and that's okay because they're
leaving someone else alone.

I'm ******* myself,
trying to adjust.
I can't turn back now,
in God I trust.
it might not be the way you want it
but that's just how it is.
I realize you don't like it
or you wouldn't of said anything.
You want me to act a certain way,
and are angry when I don't give in.

But here I am,
take me as I am,
or just leave me be.
I can't please everyone,
nor do I wish to.
Finding hope in something,
It's what matters today.
I don't have to put on an act,
and leave this place and run away.
I can honestly stay,
and face whatever comes my way.

I can't stop the madness,
the sickness inside my head.
there is just way too much sadness,
so much fear and dread.
I don't want to be an adult today,
I'd rather hide or run away.
I don't want to play games
so much responsibility driving me insane.
I happened to blink,
years have passed by,
nothing for sure in my life,
except a handful of loved ones,
making me accountable to do what's right.
And there in the midst of it all I find
the courage to stand tall,
and break down these walls.

The night is beckoning for me to give in,
waiting to curse me with these temptations.
I try not to open the door and let these demons in
but it's easier said then done, and hope is a sin.
I wish upon love, knowing it comes to everyone
sooner or later but it seems like it won't venture
into this heart of mine.  I want this love to reach
deep down in my soul and expel the evil inside.
I pray like hell, trying to keep alert, knowing
I don't want to go backwards and cause more hurt.
Righteousness is just a dream for this man,
not knowing which way is up and always looking
down into the depth of this broken canvas.

Turning away from the darkness,
the negativity that had me down for a long, long time.
Trying hard to do what is right,
and make some sense of why;
why did I hurt the ones I love?
now they don't even trust me,
and I don't blame them
because most of the time I don't even trust myself.
But now it's totally different,
I'm a working process.
Not am the man I used to be,
and all the credit goes to God Himself.
Though I still like to cuss,
that's something I'm working on.
I smoke way too much,
and drink coffee like there isn't going
to be anymore when I wake up.
Don't be too upset reading my poems,
vulgarity just comes with the territory.
I just pray down this road of life
I will change some more.

The day withers away
like paper to a flame
soon non-existence
and only the fire remains
Being enlightened isn't just a dream
trying so hard to find some serenity
years fade pass so rapidly
Can't forget about love meant to be
Holding onto one another forever in arms
knowing full well life has its harm
but togetherness protects the hopeful mind
and comfort comes to all in time

to much fightin'
to much lootin'
I fear the worse
images of a hearse
heading down the highway
and I wonder who's dead today
The pressure explodes inside my head
reality is what I dread
Can't seem to face the ******* fact
to many people want to kiss ******* ***
They want to please everyone
they want to shine brighter than the sun
I'm not one to ******* care
I'd rather be somewhere else than there
I watch the news with a smoke in my mouth
giving the t.v. the finger cause I can't figure it out
wondering why this and that person had to die
I've taken chances all throughout the rainy nights
I should of been dead a long time ago
but now it's time to take it slow
and get on with life as it suppose to be
being grateful that it's not ******* me

The world weighs heavy on my shoulders,
I can't seem to cut a break.
Everywhere I turn I come to a stand still,
and the course I take is a place I hate.
I try to jump through hoops to get ahead,
but the rope for me is way too ******* high.
I want to reach for the stars, that's as far as I will go,
trying to find a better ******* way, it just takes so slow.
I want to get rid of the heaviness on my mind,
it seems like the world has my number.
I feel like running the **** away,
I'm a wizard when it comes to disappearing,
try to cactch up with me now world,
I'll change my address again and again,
just to let everyone know I ******* hate being played with.

I have been ******* drained
all my wants just went away
entering into a state of lesser value
trying to grasp what is true
i see the limelight and i want it to see me
i hear the voices beckoning me into depravity
i cast doubt in the face of higher learning
but it all comes to a stop as there i am yearning
yearning for you
yearning for this
yearning for that
yearning just to yearn
and my face has a blank stare
no one can save what isn't there
just a lonely heart crying for relief
trying to escape the hustle
and yearn for some ******* peace

These are the tears I've cried,
The temptation to lie,
Awake at night and trying to sleep,
it's hard to find the courage,
To recognize the hurt inside,
I've caused others and myself.

It's funny, oh, such a tragedy
The mind is in a horrible disbelief
The pain greets me at the door
And I'm forever lost some more
It shakes my hand and smiles so deviously
Breaking the boundaries of insecurity
Bedeviled by so many emotions
It's hard to find the key
And open up the beauty inside of me
Not so much worried with impression
But longing for the right expression
And cast magic upon the road unseen