The pain isn't as bad as I assumed it would be, living alone with my thoughts dancing around like a waltz in my head. I have survived many battles, the ones I have given to myself. Oh, the insidious insanity that it would be different this time, I held on for as long as I could. I wish for others not to undertake such a problem but rather live in the solution. It's so much better to have a good attitude about things than try to control every situation there is. Wishing all that I am to be is a reflection of the man that holds values in his blood.

Beauty is light bound
No darkness can smother it
It floats above everything else
There is always hope
Like a candle flickering in a breeze
The flame doesn't go out
The darkness can't breath
It has no choice but to disappear
Vanquished from the beauty

Beauty is majestic
It can't be anything else
No hate is in it's vocabulary
It's full of love and kindness
Glory flourishes in abundance
Finding our smiles as expressions of God
Giving life to the lifeless
Compelling to withstand all destructive forces

Into the stormy night I go
Lost for words to and fro
Getting a piece of the pie
Longing for someone to bring
Me to life.

How can I stand upright
When all other motives seem
Oblivious to each side?

I walk the path less traveled
Weary of death around each corner
I see the beauty only for a glimpse
Then it's off trudging again and again

Here I awake to blossom aknew
Trying to find myself in the mirror
I long for happiness to come true
Instead of things that aren't clear

I make no sense out of contemplation
It only resorts to a flame igniting
Buried myself in observation
Hurried along with each striving

Easy does it but find my niche
Ask mother nature how I will exist
The latter will always appear
If my motives are perfectly clear

Sinking faster and faster into the mire
Dirt and grime covered my hands
No beauty to look upon, no dawn
No hope of ever leaving this place
The dark corners in this mind of mine
So many secrets I have hidden
Don't want them to see the light of day
I have ran away for far too long
It's time to stand on my own two feet
And stop with the lies that are bringing me down
I pay no attention to my gut feeling
Probably should, I wouldn't fall to pieces
If I put my trust in the direction of intuition
So much has to be unlearned for me to survive
I don't do life very well and haven't since I can remember
I need the help others or I'm going to sink
Deep down in the pit of despair that wants to **** me
I try to climb my way out from this dark hole
But I can't see what the hell I'm doing
There is no light shining on me
No burning bush I can see
Society wants me to behave in a certain way
But I'm so ******* tired of being someone I'm not
It's like leading a double life
I act one way to please you
And behind your back I'm someone else
The real person I should be
But I don't want to go there out in public
I'm more shy than anything else
But get to know me I can never shut the **** up
So why do I feel the need for your ******* approval
I beat myself up if I don't get liked
But what is it that makes me so insecure
Is it that I don't want to be an *******
Don't want to come off as a ******* *******
But in the end I pretty much bow down to you
And that's not how I want to live my life anymore
I try so hard to get away from the mire
I hold onto the truth things will be better off tomorrow
If I do what's right everything will fall into place
But I must not drift into obsessing  over your approval
It will all makes sense when the time comes
I'll be okay once the feelings are done
And I can seriously just drift away

The real me is a long way off, I've spent countless vain attempts to prove myself was macho or hero but honestly I was just saying to the world poor little me. I want your ******* sympathy for the way my life is, the only thing wrong with that is I caused all my ******* problems. There wasn't a day in the past that went by I was causing mayhem and destroying people's lives, making them believe I'm sobody when in reality I was just trying to hold on for dear life. I ended up almost homeless, not to mention the heartache I caused my mother, wondering if I was okay. She was dying of cancer and all she was concerned about if there was anything she could do to help me. Talk about unconditional love. Though I was an extremely selfish person, all I cared about was how I was going to get drunk. I have wasted so many years away that one more debauchel could finally be my ruin. I wish I could go back and fix my mistakes but I can't and that's the brutal truth. The idea that I can ever return to those times and change the things that happened has to be abandoned, the only hope I have is that I don't repeat the misery and havoc I caused, that in me there is a chance for survival and victory over this disease. I'm not saying I have been sober for years upon end, nor even a month if I want to be honest about it. But what I do hope is that I can live a life without hurting others, including myself. That I can finally grow the **** up and be the man God sees me as, not a coward trying to escape from life and causing misfortune along my way. That I can finally be the real me, without any additives.

Searching for the truth,
A man is ****** and timid.
A woman strong and sweet,
Like the scent of a rose;
We hold hands, poised effortlessly
Together we will find common ground,
If only we stay connected to our Source
Does it matter who wins the battle,
The war has gone on for way too long?
Each one bellowing to one another
Who's right? Who's wrong?
The day lingers on and on,
The sun sadly offers it's warmth.
The heartaches are futile,
No giving of one self, no longing
It matters nothing about status quo,
But all is better when love enters in,
And quelch the flames burning inside.

I don't know myself
Do I even care?
I hope that I do
Nobody is going to care for me
No one is going to take my hand
And lead me where I need to go
Nobody is going to tell me I'm
Making the wrong choices
And I need to to make better decisions
I try to do the opposite of what
I've always done but that in itself is difficult
My first instinct is to make a mess out of things
Hurt the ones who really mean a lot to me
I don't even know if I appreciate life
That it would better if I just die
But I trudge the road of confusion
Because I don't know how to live right
Would it be better if I gave in
Surrendered to a better source?
I believe it would help my thinking head
Always racing thoughts of past mistakes I've done and said
Not only that, it's delusional most of the time
All I want to do is to be able to feel fine
Someone told me to have self respect
Hell, I don't even know what that is
I have too much contempt for people
Not a good place to be in my mind
Though nobody is going to help me live right
And take my hand during the day and night
And show me a better way to live then what I've been doing
No, I better start caring or I am a dead man
I don't want to die and people say he was an *******

The time is now,
If not now, when?
So slothful,
No motivation whatsoever.
So proud,
But he hasn't done much of anything.
What is he proud of?
His life is in shambles,
Shouldn't he be working on himself,
Trying to get his head above water?
No, he'd rather lay around and stay lazy,
It has never worked out all the times before.
All it has done is cause trouble,
His mind races and he finds the trouble.
He sinks deep into it and revels in it.
Oh, wouldn't he be better if he stayed straight?

Sick of it all
The demons inside my head
I run away from heaven
Searching for my own way
But I always end up broken
Stagnant cause of my self-will
The reaper is calling me
I understand my fate
There are days that go by
That I'm lost in the way
Well, more days than need to be
Cause I get in my own way
Trying to do things myself
To figure this crap out
But I have to admit
That I'm really not made to be alone
God is always there
Others are reaching out their hands
Wanting me to give in
And surrender the things that need to be
Surrendered but of course I hold on
Same song over and over again
Same **** I am so used to
To give them up what will I do?
I probably feel a hell of a lot better
Why must I cause myself so much hurt

The world suffices
And i get along
Trying with my crushes
To be a carrier of meaningless thought
I stare at the cross
Wondering if I know what it is
I see the man in the mirror
And I don't like what I see
I condemn myself
Can you provide judgement be more extreme
Hell arises
Heaven is just a myth
I stare at the trees
The wind must be extreme
I laugh as I cry
I must be mortaly insane