There I am
Pretending
Forever lost
Forever confused

I hear the words that you speak
And it all sounds good to me
But I am the critical one
The cynic

I want what you got
I am the envious one
I see the glow on your face
The twinkle in your eyes
It is working out for you
I am so glad

But I am enslaved to the darkness
No beauty where I go inside my head
It's hard to let go of the voices
Telling me to join the dark prism
Where rainbows turn into nothingness
But maybe there is beauty in the dark hole
In my soul. Just maybe even the song being
Sung ignites a power that is forever beautiful

Just maybe the black rose being laid by the altar
Will never wilt and die because in the darkness there is beauty.

I have felt the pain from others
Does that mean I whine
I have felt the wringer and sting
Does that mean I've cried
My dreams have sunken in the soil
And it does make my blood boil
Who do I come to trust
To listen to and make a fuss
If all is out for number one
That they really don't care about me
They would rather me burn up in the sun
And cross over in the never regions
Should I waste my time on them
Should I give a ******* ****
I feel I shouldn't care anymore
Start locking my door
Get my shotgun and wait by the window
Because they're going to try to break in
There's no more love out there
Everything is superficial
They're coming
They're coming
They don't want my things
They want my soul
I'm not giving it up so easily

I don't remember
Hurting you this bad
I must done a wallop to your heart for you not to return my calls or text messages.
I must of made you cry for hours on end and days to come.
It could of happened that way
But I totally doubt it.
Oh. Hurting your heart is a possibility cause we have a daughter together and to get back at me is to not return my calls and text messages for months on end. You know how
Much that bothers me and it does ****** me off but there's nothing
I can do about it if you want to act like a little baby. All I want is to talk to my daughter. Why is it that the children are the ones who suffers and the more one tries not to make that happen the more it seems like everything is just gets lost in the wind.  And I can't remember everything that made you angry about me. Apparently you was taking notes.

Beauty is worth seeing and there is a lot of beauty out there to see. A lot of ugliness too and I have been through stages of feeling so depressed I just felt like I didn't want to exist anymore. But closing my eyes and thinking about my daughter definitely put me in a better mood. What is that but beauty in a nutshell

My mind is cluttered
And I feel like ****
All I want is to feel better
But everyday is a struggle
Struggle to get up in the morning
And stay awake
All I want to do is sleep my life away
My depression has me in its grips
Wanting to cloud everything
And make it dark
I want to break free
And smile once again
Even faith as tiny as a mustard seed can be a spark
But most days I plug along
Hurting inside with these dark emotions
Wishing I could just disappear
Be forever lost in the nothingness
Though I know the Universe isn't out to get me
I need good vibes to win me over to the lighter side
I have to stay focus on what is right
And that's love will conquer all
Love of life
Love of family
Love of a pet even
Love.

I stare out at the sun
And the sun smiling at me
Agreeing how beautiful a sunset can be
I look out in the distance
The sky so blue and pink
I smile from the view
What a beautiful view it is
No one can take that away
Steal the precious feeling I have
They may bombard me with obstacles
But that view is etched in the heart of my being
And I can bring it back, all I have to do is close
My eyes and there it is in my memory

Why is it when you call someone
And they tell you they'll call you
Right back and they don't?
Apparently they think their lives
Are so important and mine isn't
That they think they're so much better
Than me and their **** don't stink
Why do I get blown off like that?
Am I too nice to people and need to
Become a *******, maybe then they'll pay
Some attention to me and actually call me back
When they say they do. I don't know but it seems
To me that females are attracted to badasses
And I'm sorry I'm not one of them but I can be
I can treat them like dirt and not care about them
I can show them no respect and spit in their face
Maybe then I will be respected and treated good
Cause apparently treating them like they matter
Isn't good enough. I just want one woman have
The decent courtesy to show me some respect.

Most of the time
I feel like a nobody
Isolated in my words to others
They seem like they don't get me
How much I want them to
But it's never going to happen
Because they think they're better than me
I get no calls from others
I have to be the one to call
I'm just existing, invisible to others

My consciousness seem to float away
With no effort of mine
It wants to think morbid thoughts
Like the snake
It doesn't want to awake
Rather it wants to stay in limbo
How does it know?
Where did it come from?
I feel things will never be so
I feel the pressures of being undone
I want to sprout skyward
Into the realm of the eagles
Peace and love alludes me
But I want to feel the peace like a warm breeze
And find true love like Mother Earth provides
How can we all get along when all we want is more?
More of everything. More materialistic than anything else
I want to search the heavens, touch the Stars
Maybe then my consciousness will come alive
And break free from all chaos

It's funny how life can be
With all the confusion and chaos
It throws obstacles at us
Trying to see how strong we are
Is the Universe on our side
Or does it even matter
Is karma out to make things better
Or does it even matter
Is God providing our well-being
Or does it even matter
Is it all part of our fate
Destined to reach the Stars
Or fall down deep in the mud
Can we pick ourselves up
And start anew
Is it our will power that makes it right
Or is it just all a dream
And when it's all over
We'll float away into nothingness
And never even remember our existence
Can we give all we can to others
And hope it's some form of penance
That it will matter in the end
And all the confusion and chaos
Will fall by the wayside
And we all can find freedom
Freedom from hate
That love does matter
And it's all part of a great play
That the Author will finally let us know
The greater good in the script
Because all this fighting and killings
Doesn't make sense and has to stop
I feel it starts with us
That we have to let others know
There is a greater good in life
And it's not about wars and triumph
But in peace and love

These times are difficult
For getting by is a struggle
I wonder how to stay afloat
For hitting bottom is easy
But I think of how truly blessed I am, the great people in my life. That I wake up sober and clean, spent too much time in that kind of a life and now I'm free. So the struggles and pains of the day cannot compare to the hell I put others
Through and myself. So I'm grateful for the life I'm leading today, it isn't exactly where I wanted to be at but the Universe has its sway.

What is the truth?
The answer is in the heavens
It wants to be heard
It wants to share it's abundance

The loving energy searches the earth
Hoping to find people with heart
Kindness goes a long way
It pours out it's kindness like the rivers
It flows exactly where it is needed

Finding this power isn't easy
A lot find only negativity and live in it
They wallow from day to day
Bringing the people who are at heaven's door down
They stab their negative mouths into others affairs
Trying so hard to make these people give up
And return to old behaviors

Is it going to happen to you?
It's already has happened to me
And it keeps happening
But I trudge along
Keeping heaven in my mind
And trying to share my kindness
The Universe has done so much for me
It's the least I can do
Without such
I would have no kindness to give away
Nothing.

You ever get the feeling of erasing everything you
Ever wrote and start all over again?
Your world changes and something enters in
And lets you know whatever was bothering you
At that time doesn't really matter in light of things
So much importance on loving the ones that matter
And try to let others in even for a brief moment
And experience the essence of life and love
Hatred does no good, it only rots the spirit
I've spent too much time on expressing my anger
Maybe that's not the way to go, there is no reward
Just suffocating my heart and I can't catch any air
I want to toss all the anger aside and focus my
Attention on the principles of life; like love, honesty
Purity, and unselfishness. The world would be a
Much peaceful place if others stopped with the
Fighting, whether on the streets or in the home,
It would be a much brighter arena if others just
Really truly understood that we are all connected.

It is a peaceful feeling to be able to just to listen
To the female without wanting to get into her pants
Don't get me wrong the thought crossed my mind
But I didn't act on it by being preverted by feeling her up
It was a beautiful moment

It's hard to say goodbye
Just to detach from the mess
It's hard to look you in the eyes
And not coward before my words
Letting you go like the wind
Once it brought you just as quick in my life
Like magic being seen on stage
I looked into your heart and liked what I saw
Then things were brought to my attention
And I thought then to end it but didnt
Then I failed at keeping up to my end of the deal
And you should of ended it but didn't
So through years of ups and downs
It has come to the bitter end
Too much negativity
And I can't deal with it anymore
You pushed me away
And maybe you had every right
But now there's more than just us
Another life is involved
And I pray there's no goodbye
But a very warm welcome throughout her life

It's strange.
So ******* weird.
I'm 43 years old
And am still getting bullied
People are ****** up
Especially my neighbor's upstairs
They have three kids
There are three adults
And all of them live in a one bedroom apartment
There is so much ******* noise it's not even funny
No one can make that much noise on accident
I understand kids will be kids
But there's stomping on the floor done on purpose
I went to her first and asked for them to tone it down
She gave me attitude and told me she has a freakin' one year old
Then I went to the landlord and the noise got worse
I called the cops on them and the noise diffently got worse
So I have to bend over and take it up the ******* ***
Why they ******* care I'm living down here and they're trying
To get my goat and make my life miserable
But the joke is on ******* them
For the most part I look the other way
They think it really bothers me, they are mistaken
I have dealt with ******* like these throughout my life
They're not ******* happy unless they make others unhappy
They're trying to get a rise out of me and I'm through with them
They can make all the noise they want
Their not my problem. They're so ******* pathetic it's funny
Maybe they want my apartment, I don't know
Or maybe they're just so ******* miserable they can't find
Anything constructive other than causing trouble
So I say **** them. They're nothing but dooshbags
And I laugh at ******* dooshbags.

You ever feel like the world is crashing upon you
I surely do. It seems like I can't do anything right,
Say the right words to make things okay.
It seems like everywhere I go people aren't kind
They have their own agendas and they want to
**** any happiness I have and make me feel
Miserable likes they do. Well, **** that! They
All can eat **** and die! They ain't taking away
What I have worked o for seven months being
Clean and sober, not an ounce of alcohol or any
Drug. I'm taking classes to learn about myself
And the way I tick, most my problems come from
Past trama. So much anger built up inside of
Me from being molested when I was eight. It only
Happened once, a lot of people have deals with it
For years but it still happened nevertheless and
Really ****** with my head. The person who did
It was a family member and he is now a minister
Go ******* figure. Now that diffently ***** with
My head when it comes to religion and someone
Talking about God. But where I'm at right at the
Present time is a place I was pushed to. My
Girlfriend wouldn't give up her mom and move
Her to some place where she could get the help
Needed. She chose her over me, for two months
I kept telling her that if she doesn't choose I was
Going to move out. Well, needless to say she didn't
Quite choose anything but even not choosing is a
Decision. So I moved out and she can have her mom
The bad part about it is me and my girlfriend have
A daughter together. I tried every means to fix what
Was broken but my girlfriend just thought everything
Was fine. So I made the choice to move to clear my
Head. Though I miss my daughter tremendously.
I wish life was simple and everything could go my
Way but that ain't life and I'm not God. Now since
Moving here I have neighbors upstairs who are so
Loud it's affecting my serenity. Now I have to move
Out and find a better place where this **** doesn't
Happen. So here I am life, take me as I am cause
Apparently you want to **** with me.

This world is not kind by no means
It is full of stupid people
Everywhere I go I seem like I
Have to bend over and take it up
The ******* ***.
Boy I must like to get ****** that way
People are not nice not kind
They are all full of ****
I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots
But I guess that's the way it goes
I try to be kind but people think
That's just a way to weakness
Where I'm at, you have to play the badass
And that's seems like the story of my life
I don't want no ******* pity nor feelings is sorrow
I just would like to know why the universe
Seems like it's not aligned with me
That it wants me to experience these things
Well, I don't want to
I want peace of mind
But karma wants to **** with me
Well, **** karma!
I'm tired of dooshbags that want to **** with me
Is that all the world is made up of- troublemakers
Well **** that!
I'm on the verge of going beserk
And take all these ******* out of here
I feel a lot of people don't even need to be breathing
I feel the world would be a better place if they were dead
Thank the Heavenly Stars I'm not God
There would be a select few

I walked around the city I'm new in
Looking for the post office
So I could get a money order
For my new landlord
Here and there people I did see
But most the traffic was on the streets
I had to pay close attention to walking across a street
Lest I get run down by a speeding vehicle
So many people in their cars and trucks
Racing to a destination that will still be there
Even if they slowed down a little bit
But who am I? Not a person with driver's license
My means of transportation are my feet
And it's been that way for a long time
Do I want to drive? Sure I do, who wouldn't?
I've been told it's a freedom like no other
To be able to get up and go
And go anywhere in this great Country of ours
I would be a fool to not want to experience that
But I have always known no other way
Could it be I'm just scared of change
Scared of the unknown
Scared to take a risk
Just maybe everything will turn out okay
And I can begin to know the freedom of what they talk about

It's really hard to open up
Share the most personal thing going on
Then to find the one to trust
Others will use it against me
Try to make me look weak
Try to dominate me
And think they're so much above me
They can't see themselves
They're not aware
They don't know what makes them tick
They don't even care
They're out there to get theirs
And they'll stomp on people's toes
To let them know to get out of their way

Is that how I should be, an *******?
Is that how I should act, with no consideration?
My mom taught me from right and wrong
And church set me on a good direction
Now I'm not religious by no means
And can't tell you how things work
But I'm not a ******* by no means
I can act like a ****
I can act like an *******
Everyone has that temptation
I try to think good thoughts about people
But most of the time I have lost faith in humanity
I haven't lost faith in the Universe
But when it comes to the behaviors of others
I'm kind of lost for words
I can't be too ******* others
Because I have acted out in one time or another
And I'm still learning how to tame my ego
But when people just don't care about someone else
And doing all their power to make trouble
That's where I lose faith
Isn't there any hope in humanity
Or are we just ****** up individuals trying to make a name?
A good reputation is good
And a bad one is good
Just depending on how the person views it
It's still attention
And I feel that's all people care about
They want that attention
It should be on them
Good or bad
It's still attention
I know I was that way at a time
It's called being a child

So all the ones that are troublemakers
Go **** yourselves
You're nothing to me
Just a **** in the wind
We're all going to return to dust
Skeletons buried in the ground
Or taken to the fire
Either way
What should it matter?
Go **** yourselves
All the attention seekers
Grow the **** up
And leave me out of the drama

Who are people trying to please
Is it themselves
Thinking they know about something
When they really don't
I should know
I know not much about anything
Am not good with my hands
Don't know how to build anything
Not an electrician
Don't know how to wire anything
I'm not a computer genius
Hardly can get into my emails
Not know what's a good remedy for anything
Don't know about any wives tails
Am not a geographical genius
I can get lost walking out my door in a heartbeat
No one should dare ask me for direction
I'll have them end up in the river
I'm really not a poet
Just someone spouts off some words
I can make them sound nasty
Or I can make them sound good
But honestly, what the **** do I know
I can't be famous, that will never happen
I have to look at it realistically
Words I write are simple
Not much poetry in that
They are direct and to the ******* point
Much about my experiences in life
They are not extravagant words
So poetically aligned like the Universe set it up that way
No. Just me in a nutshell and my ****** up life
So, where do I go from here?
Just kind of floating through life
Get blown around this way and that
Cause that's where the wind ******* blows

So many people think they know everything
They'll open their mouths and say I know how to do this
And most of the time they do
They have know humility
And they'll make you feel like ****
They are one of those jack of all trades
They know quite a bit about everything
They're architects
They're craftsmen
They're doctors
And lawyers
And mechanics
And electricians
And writers
And lawmen
And just about much of everything
They know how to do it
And they do it well
Well, I'm not one of those people
I take great pride in not knowing much about nothing

Sometimes I think the Universe is out to get me
Sometimes I think
Most days it's okay
I feel a connection with God
Now I know I cuss way too much
Say things that aren't very politically correct
Really, my words are totally ****** up
But I believe God doesn't judge
And if I feel His love then I'm doing pretty **** good
Even if the Universe throws me some curve *****

Most days I don't want to be an adult
I find it difficult to act the role
Wouldn't it be nice to be a child again
Innocent, not confined to anything
Playful, always wrapped around mother's arms
Feeling protected and secure of everything
But as a grown up it's not easy to be mindful
So many people try to push your buttons
How do you really act when others are being inconsiderate
When they don't even care about it either?
They think it's funny to be *******
They can care less about their actions
It's like life is one big party to them
Oh, well. They're going to do what they're going to do
And there is nothing I can say or do to make them stop
So I'm *******. I might as well come to grips with that

There wasn't much more to say

I had to go no matter what

You couldn't make a decision

You wanted everything to remain the same

But my heart had to leave

Because there was no way of killing my spirit

I had to soar above and beyond

Away from all of the chaos