This is a list of the times I allowed myself to collapse.
These are the reasons I tried to drown myself in a bathtub filled with thick crimson and cheap liquor.
This is my final suicide note.

1. Today in science class my teacher brought out the human skeleton and I wished it was me.
2. I've never drank whiskey, but when my blood turns to Bourbon, I need to open the bottle.
3. I cannot count the times I've created spines on the mirror. I need to kiss the white lines.
4. The cats are meowing, they're hungry. I am so focused on not feeding myself that I have forgotten to feed them.
5. I'm a lot like cigarettes. I light easily. Burn out quickly. Focused on destroying you-always destroying myself.
6. I've got poison in my veins-I unzip myself daily. When I kissed you- I infected you. We have poison in our veins. Addicted to destroying ourselves. The Devil will watch and be envious.
7. I am 17. I have attempted suicide too many times to count. Every time in a different way.
          a. cliche; slit my wrist open and let flowers spill.
          b. drowned myself in a handful of pills and a bottle of *****.
          c. hung myself with my bedsheet.
          d. decayed my stomach lining with bleach
          e. starved the ugly out of me-let my bony knuckles callus.  
This time I am going to fling myself from a building, call my friends, and hope they'll catch me.

Because I never truly wanted to die.
I want to be saved from myself. I want someone to zip me back up. I want to look at the sun and not think about burning. I want to be able to sit in a bathtub with clear water. I want to eat a candy bar, and not taste it twice. I want someone to look at me and see flowers-not blades.
I wish I had green thread to sew my veins back together. I wish I had a syringe, i'd **** the poison from my blood. I wish I knew what love felt like, maybe I could perfect the practice.

This is not a poem.
This is not written with the intent to explain myself because I don't know myself well enough to explain.
This is a suicide note.
This is my last suicide note.

one.
i saw you standing by the tree at her funeral. nobody knew you were the reason.


two.
she used to talk about you all the time. your laugh, your eyes, oh she was infatuated with your eyes. the night she walked in on you and her-she was completely silent.


three.
nobody knew if that was the reason she killed herself. but in her note it was the only thing she left out.

half past 9 the sun just went down. the burning of the stars reminded me of her.
i found her in the bathtub.
as soon as i walked in i knew something was wrong; the curtain was closed.
i open it.
oh my god

the water was red
her wrist; displayed on the edge of the tub
you could see her veins
*oh my god

Everyone talks about how the night is beautiful. In our poems, we compare it to love, we compare it to existence. We compare it to eternity.
But night, it's not beautiful
1. it's cracking under the pressure. You're gonna fail your exam, you're gonna let everyone down. Your thoughts turn grey-no one will love me, I'll never graduate, I'll turn to turning tricks for my income.
2.It's silent it's so ******* silent you can hear the voices whispering they tell you your not good enough. They tell you to drown yourself they tell you to drink the bleach, take the pills, make a noose, cut deep.
3. Remember the night the night you attempted to end your own life? And how your mother didn't even cry when you ended up in the hospital drinking charcoal to soak up her pills
It's so dark.
4. There are monsters that surround you,but your walls are made of mirrors. You're only fearing yourself.

I'm ruining my insides so you can see my bones.

Sun will scream mercy
And the fire spreads quickly
Blood will drip from skies

I was in a psychiatric hospital when I was 17, I swallowed a bottle of pills
I get there, I realize, i'm the least ****** up one
I'm the loser, at the mental hospital
          (Or are we all equally ******? Do we have the same manifestation, the same disease?)

Destruction's the name of the game, and here, we all seem to be winning

Beth cries all day because she thinks her mothers dead
     although she calls her every morning and before bed
Destiny kicked her mom unconscious, she's only ten
      who knows what her destiny will become
Ryan is eight, he crashed the car, broke the windows, lit a match

And Ariel is only fourteen, but this is the fifth time she's been in here!
  She swallowed a bottle of pills, five times.
      Her liver, is it stable?
        (She got out three days after me, overdosed again. This time it was fatal.)

And Alex took a gun to his head. Almost pulled the trigger.
       Jenna cooked a little too much, shot the needle to far in her dying vein

It seems like suicides the latest trend
Everyone wants a taste
Of the crazy, the ******; the broken

We're like animals in a zoo, the doctors stop and stare
          Examining our behavior, researching warped minds

But we're not animals, your pills cannot cure us!
      Mother, why don't you hold my hand anymore? Are you afraid i'll grasp too tight?
  Afraid you'll let go too soon?

I have borderline personality disorder. My doctor told me. I take pills
They **** me up, I don't know who I was before them
But I wish i could meet her
         Wish i could see the things she sees, know once again what it's like to feel overwhelmed
With happiness. sadness. Anything really would be nice.

         When my grandmother died, I didn't cry.
I didn't have sorrow.
I don't have the same empathy I used to
       But all my parents see is that I don't have the same pain I used to
They think i'm better
I'm not better i'm just numb!

All the pills in the world couldn't heal my yearn for destruction
Of anything really, preferably myself

I am attracted to cigarettes. Drugs. *****, bones. ***.
   Flowers don't suit my needs, unless they can be crushed and snorted
Butterfly's are ******, they don't even bleed red!
     And my medication can't make me happy, if it doesn't make me high!

My head has become hell a razor the only release.
   It helps me feel. Helps me know I'm real.

I know it's all in my head.
I know this thirst for danger is artificial
  Because when I faced death, I saw his face.
I looked him in the eyes
And i called for my mother told her I've done something terrible!

    I backed down to what I've always wanted and that's how I know
My pain  is not real

why am i so tired? have i completely given up? has the river stopped flowing? have you turned it into mud?
are you happy? or do you think of death? do you still dream? is the terror coming back?
can you see my heart? can you feel the grave? do you understand? is it time?

time for the parade? are you broken? can you fix it?
will you kiss me? can you feel it?

can you tell me the reason you shake?
whats your favorite song? favorite lyric? does it represent who you are?
do you know who you are? will you show me?
if not, can i help you find out?

can you feel the heat? or is temperature dropped cold?

is heaven just a place? or a feeling? is the devil coming close? can you feel his heart beating? do you reach out? who is it you trust?
why are your eyes so swollen? have you been crying? do you see the world in grey? is it black and white and blue? bruised like your thighs? cut like your wrist?

why do your eyes spill? is the universe so cruel?

do you love yourself? do you even like yourself? do you know who you are? do you know who you are? do you know who you are? do you know who i am? can you help me find out?